Your Relationships May Be the Key to Everything

Christians should be the absolute best people at relationships. There should be no doubt about it, no ability to argue, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.

But…

From where I see it, we don’t live much differently than anyone else regarding relationships. We pretty much go by how we feel. We build boundaries against those that hurt us, cut out those that disappoint us, and talk badly about anyone we have opinions about. (Whoops.)

Do you agree? Or no?

This past week, on the podcast, I shared the third thing we need to do to take The Adventure God has for us! (If you want to read the first two steps click here and here.) And the third and final thing we need to do is master our relationships. We absolutely must master how to live connected with God’s people.

It is our privilege and duty to not only be the church but to build the church. This “church” isn’t something we attend; it is relationships we build. This should absolutely be one of our greatest calls on this Earth, yet many of us don’t understand how much we are really missing it.

Our people are everything.

In our lives, we should have 3 types of connections.

First, we should have close relationships. These are the people who know everything. These are the people who walk with us through our darkest days and cheer us on in our greatest victories. We should all have a few close relationships. As Woody says in Toy Story, “If you don’t have one, GET ONE!” (He was talking about a moving buddy, but applies to close relationships as well!)

Second, we should have communities that we live among. In our communities, we may have the goal to serve, to bless, or to simply ENJOY! There are even seasons when God calls us to communities where the goal is to learn to endure. Our communities might be a local Christian church group or a workplace that God has called us to. Or, for many of us, our family is a community that we live in. They are people that we might spend a lot of time with but don’t walk deeply with us.

Communities are vital to find the Adventure God has for us!

Lastly, the final type of relationships you SHOULD be having in your life are difficult ones! (Yes, you read that right!) Every single one of us should have people in our life that are difficult to live with. These relationships are a gift. They allow us to exercise our ability to give grace, our willingness to forgive, our capability to love. They give us the opportunity to use our voice and have difficult conversations when needed. These people are valuable and should never be viewed as worthless just because they are hard to live with.

You see, God knows us. He knows how easily we could live life alone, cutting out people who betray us, and building boundaries against those who disappoint us, which is why I am convinced Jesus spent so much time teaching us how to live amongst people who were difficult.

Each of us should have many relationships that don’t just last years, but endure and ultimately thrive through the decades.

I love Jesus and I love his teaching and how he lived his life, but it isn’t a very natural way of living. In fact, from my experience, it often feels a whole lot like pain. It feels like rejection. It feels like being misunderstood. It feels like losing.

Living the life that Christ taught isn’t easy, but I am convinced the relationship piece is not an option. It should not be an afterthought, and it should not be an oversight.

How we handle our relationships absolutely should set us apart from the world.

We are forgiving endlessly, not counting the wrongs of those in our life, and believing the best in those that we walk life with. (Gulp.)

This is hard, yes. But this is the life you are not only called to but designed for.

Want to go deeper? Listen here…

The Worst Part about Love

I have always been a people person. I like friends. I like family. I can think of no better way to spend my life than investing in the people around me.

I love people.

I love the opportunity to experience new things. Laugh together. Cry together. Support one another. Cheer on one another. People. Love. Relationships. I love it all.

However, it is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

And people get hurt A LOT.

Have you ever been hurt by someone? (Insert sarcasm.) Of course, YOU HAVE! From the time we were young, we were getting hurt by people. Friends, family, peers on the playground, there are an endless amount of opportunities to get hurt in this life.

We all have people in our life that have disappointed us. Not just the acquaintance we work with, but people close to us. Times when we found out something hurtful a friend said about us or when we needed support but failed to receive it.

I have some of the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for, but that doesn’t mean my relationships come with no cost. There are so many opportunities for misunderstandings.

I believe this is something that should be talked about more. Don’t get me wrong, I am not cynical, but I do consider myself very practical.

Sometimes misunderstandings happen that seem completely innocent and then there are times when the pain seems deliberate. These experiences make us second guess having people in our life at all.

This is when the rubber meets the road and love can seem like one horrible idea.

We have done ourselves a disservice because we don’t have a good understanding of what love is or the power that it beholds. Somewhere along the way, we have told ourselves that if we love big, then we will be loved big.

Truth is, if we Love big, we will Hurt big.

So many of us expect our love to be returned to us at the measure it is given. Love is not given to the measure it is received. Love is given to the measure of capacity.

I can love big, but not because I have people in my life who don’t make mistakes, but because I have worked for years on growing my capacity to love.

Love isn’t about receiving what you give.

Love is about giving all that you have.

Love is about stretching you to become a beautiful person, no matter if someone else chooses to do the same.

Are You Being Taken Advantage Of? Here’s the Solution.

Have you ever felt taken advantage of? I’m not talking about being lied to or stolen from, I’m talking about situations when we helped someone out and felt they expected more than they should or they seemed ungrateful for how much we did for them.

Whether by a friend, family member, spouse, or coworker, most of us have felt like we have been taken advantage of at one point or another. These situations can be quite frustrating to experience, but I have discovered the solution.

Time and time again, I have realized being taken advantage of is simply a need for two things:

boundaries

and

communication.

It is an opportunity for us to use our words and set appropriate boundaries.

But let’s be clear, If we offer to help someone out, we should do so without the expectation they will pay you back for it. If we expect them to pay us back, we must be clear from the start of our expectations.

We should never expect payment for our kindness.

If we are expecting something in return we need to understand this is not a gift.

This is a debt.

Secondly, we need to understand how situations change. Maybe we offered to help someone out by babysitting, paying a bill, house sitting, helping them at work, assisting them financially, or any other assistance, and when we agreed, we were happy to help.

We offered our assistance with a pure heart, no strings attached, but then, at some point something changed. Our once kind offer changed into something we resent the person for.

We need to understand this does not necessarily mean this person has done anything wrong. It simply means that it is time for us to have a conversation about the agreement moving forward.

It is time to set a boundary.

Unfortunately, many people really suck at having conversations and setting new boundaries. This is a vital skill we all need to learn if we don’t want to feel taken advantage of.

You see, it is simple to never be taken advantage of again:

First, don’t expect payment for helping someone out.

Second, whenever someone is expecting you to give more than you are willing to give, reassess the agreement and have a conversation.

Lastly, don’t help if you aren’t actually wanting to help.

It really is as simple as that.

As humans, we like to blame people. We like for our problems to be other people’s fault. Sometimes our problems are caused by other people; however, when it comes to being taken advantage of this is not the problem of someone else. If we have been taken advantage of there is only one person to blame.

Ourselves.

Because we were unwilling to say “no” or “not anymore”.

I invite you to never feel taken advantage of again. I invite you to say these words,

“No, I will not do that for you.”

You see my friends, we hold the key to so many of our frustrations and annoyances in life, the question is will we do anything about it?

What Is Love?

Love is surprisingly exciting and exceptionally mundane. It is found in traveling around the world together, but also sitting on the couch.

Love is dreaming big plans, but living on a budget. Love is joining your hopes together and knowing the risk. Love is taking a chance.

Love is living in the moment, but sticking through the years.

Love is not having to wonder what they say when you’re not there. Love is being valued. Love is feeling safe.

Love is being chosen.

Love is being listened to even when they’re tired. Love is being encouraged, lifted up, and held high. Love is being heard.

Love is being told the truth. Love is forgiving.

Love is telling the truth. Love is being forgiven.

Love is laughing together, but also wiping one another’s tears. Love is being broken, but finding the path to wholeness, hand in hand.

Love is not only about saying the sweet things, but being willing to say the hard things, too.

Love is butterflies, hugs, and kisses. Love is special dinner dates and boring Tuesdays. Love is evening walks and late night talks. Love is dancing in the kitchen and dreaming on the porch.

Love is finding freedom. Love is having self-control.

Love is against all odds.

Love is you. Love is me. Love is us. Together Forever. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary.

-Your Gal

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Love Sucks

I made a choice long ago to be a person who loves. Over the years, I have slowly grown my capacity to love much like exercising a muscle to gain strength. Loving big is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life.

But let me let you in on something I have learned…

Love sucks.

Yep, there. I said it.

When I casually hear the word “love” I think about hugs and kisses, rainbows and butterflies, and people singing Kumbaya while holding hands. However, living a life of love is so far from roses and rainbows.

Living a life of love looks more like a warzone than a Hallmark card.

Unfortunately, love is filled with so many things that aren’t warm and fuzzy. Love is filled with misunderstandings and love is filled with disappointments.

Loving big means opening up and creating vulnerability within your life.

The more vulnerable you become, the more likely you are to experience pain.

Love also opens the door to experience one of the most painful things that exist, rejection.

Love hurts.

I am not talking about drama. I am talking about the inevitable experience of pain if you choose to be a person who loves big. No question. No doubt about it.

“Love”

It sounds really simple.

But it’s not.

It’s not easy to love people when they disappoint you. It is not easy to love people when they don’t show up for you. It’s not easy to love people who have hurt you. It is not easy to love people who have betrayed you. It is not easy to love people who have rejected you. It is not easy to love people who disagree with you.

To put it simply, it is not easy to love people.

It is complex and messy and all twisted up like a tangled necklace with a really small chain.

Do I really want to love people? What about the people who haven’t supported me as I expected? Do I love those people? Do I choose to love even the people who aren’t loving me?

Years ago, I settled something in myself. I decided to go down a path of love. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever go back. I was choosing love. The end.

I will choose to love despite the decision made by the person on the other side. I will bless. Period. Even for those who reject me, I will choose to value.

I will not sway from this belief.

I will not falter from this regard.

I have cried many tears over my choice to love, but what better way to spend my tears than experiencing the depth of something that always produces beauty in my life?

Love sucks, but love is worth it every time.

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How to Deal with Angry People

I used to think people were pretty simple. I thought we all wanted to get along and be happy, but sometimes life simply got in the way. As I have gotten older, I realize that may be true for me, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Not everyone feels the need to live peacefully.

I am now convinced, some people actually enjoy creating chaos particularly during times they feel chaos inside of themselves.

Some people crave the tension.

They relish the push back.

They enjoy the storm.

They aren’t scared for things to get messy.

Yelling can be fun.

Screaming, no problem.

They are great at making sense of their arguments and justifying everything they do or say… no matter how absurd. You might even find them switch sides or topics in the middle of an argument which can become quite confusing to engage with.

That is because the topic at hand is not the point.

The conflict is.

There is a sense of comfort found for them in the storm.

Even though they may look out of control, they feel powerful during these moments of chaos. It feels calming when the situations and people around them match the turmoil they feel within themselves.

If you are in relationship with someone who has anger issues, they will try to start fights with you when they are feeling stressed. If they can get you to explode, it validates they are not the only ones who can’t control themselves. If you choose not to, this will no doubt make them angry perhaps even angrier than if you engage.

Many people with anger issues have the ability to get over an argument quickly and expect others to as well.

They don’t understand why people hold on to the things that were said in anger because they no longer feel the tension within themselves.

They feel better after they explode, no matter the destruction that is left behind.

They find injustice in many places, including work, friends, and family and you will be expected to agree with them.

They want you to validate their experiences, their perceptions, their emotions, and ultimately their anger. They believe how they feel is very important, so if you do not support them in their feelings they will not feel loved and you will quickly find yourself as a target.

They don’t enjoy being viewed as a victim because that makes them feel weak. However, much of their mindset is based upon the belief they are often mistreated. After an argument, they will commonly convince people to feel sorry for them.

People do not choose behavior repeatedly unless it works for them on some level.

When someone has embraced anger as an outlet they essentially use it as a release to cope with frustrations in life.

If you have someone in your life that has anger tendencies, you cannot change them. You cannot talk them out of their anger or “manage” their emotions for them. You need to understand that ultimately, they are the only one who can change how they handle the chaos inside of themselves.

They get to make their choices. Just like you get to make yours.

Anyone can change.

Anyone can grow.

Anyone can heal.

But it is important to remember, the only people changing, growing, or healing, are the people acknowledging they need to.

Blessings,

Haley

Why Do People Lie?

Living an honest, genuine life comes at a cost and I have found not everyone is willing to pay the price.

It can feel so natural to tell a simple lie to avoid difficulty or awkwardness in our life. There are many reasons we choose to lie, here are six that I have come across…

1- To avoid conflict

One of the most common reasons people lie is to avoid conflict. Many of us view conflict as a negative experience and struggle to say difficult things. During times of conflict or disagreement, it can seem simpler to answer dishonestly while keeping our true feelings to ourselves.

Unfortunately, people who choose to avoid facing conflict are also people who will end up walking away from a lot of relationships.

You cannot have meaningful, long-lasting relationships without choosing to face conflict.

2- To avoid accountability

In my opinion, the second most common reason people lie is to avoid accountability. It is simple, we want to do what we want to do. We know if we share the truth people will try to stop us, so we don’t share.

3- Not ready to discuss a topic or don’t believe you have a right to the truth

There are times we are not ready to discuss a certain topic or someone asks us something that is, well frankly, none of their business. When we have this happen, many of us choose a simple lie to avoid the topic.

4- In the moment, we believe what we are saying

Some lies aren’t as much planned deceit but actually more of an inability to follow through.

Meaning, if I tell Carter today, “I love you and I want to be with you forever.” But, tomorrow, he makes me mad and I no longer want to be with him, so I tell him, “I don’t love you anymore. I want to leave you.”

Perhaps I believe both statements to be true when I say them, but I have an inability to follow through long-term. I have given my emotions too much control over my life.

As adults, we should be capable of following through with our words even when we don’t feel like it.

5- To create an alternate reality

I think when many of us hear the word “liar” we think of this type of lying. When people choose to live secret lives and lie to cover their tracks. This kind of lifestyle requires that we not only avoid topics, but we create “stories” to keep our secret life flourishing. The longer we do this, the more stories we will have to create to cover our tracks.

When it all comes crashing down (it always does… eventually) we will cause a lot of hurt to the people who trusted us.

6- For fun

There are people in this world that simply lie for the fun of it. They like to manipulate people and it makes them feel powerful to convince people that their lies are in fact truth. These people are master manipulators and are often difficult to detect.

Each and every one of us gets to choose the level of honesty we live in our life.

I believe it is powerful to own the truth and speak the truth even when it is difficult or awkward.

I believe the relationships in my life are worth confronting and I believe it is my job to follow through on what I say even when I no longer feel like following through.

I do not believe in living a life of pretend where I make up an alternate reality that doesn’t actually exist.

I believe in owning who I am and being honest about my intentions in life.

These are the things I believe…

What about you?

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Not Every Relationship Is Safe... And That's Ok

When I was younger, I thought every relationship was created equal. Of course, as I got older, I realized not every relationship I had was a place for me to be loved, accepted, and appreciated.

For years of my life, I tried to keep track of who I could trust and who I couldn’t. If I found out you did or said something disrespectful about me, I pushed you away. If I believed I could trust you, I brought you close.

It was a constant game of trying to figure out who could be trusted. It was exhausting and left me a bit paranoid that no one could be.

I used to often feel betrayed. I was constantly surprised by the fact that people were not returning the love and effort I was giving them. It made me feel confused, angry, and resentful.

Let me explain to you something I have learned through the years…

Every relationship that you have in your life will fall under one of two categories:

A relationship that offers you a safe place to heal

Or

A relationship that offers you an opportunity to grow.

I used to think that every relationship in my life was intended to be a place for me to find acceptance and love, but this is not the case. We will have very few people in our life that can be trusted to love, honor and value us consistently and unconditionally.

It is silly and naïve for me to expect people to love me as I love them.

Who I am and how I love are decisions I am making for my OWN life. It is not and should not be dependent on the choices that people around me are making. These two things have nothing to do with one another.

The way I love is because of the choices I have made in my life. It has cost me a lot to learn how to be the friend that I am. It has been hard and incredibly disappointing.

If it is so difficult, why do it? Because it is important to me.

It is important to me to be a loving person. It is important to me to be a kind person. It is important to me to be a thoughtful friend. It is important to me to be a safe place for the people in my life and a place that offers unconditional love.

This doesn’t mean everyone in my life believes the same.

Don’t get me wrong, I have relationships that I receive acceptance, love, respect, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, and kindness. I do. These relationships love me no matter what. They give me a safe place to fail and to be broken. However, not every relationship will be this for me.

How well a person can love me determines how open I am with them, but it will not determine how much I value them.

It is imperative we learn not all of our relationships are in our lives for the same reason. Some of our relationships offer a safe place to heal and some of our relationships offer us an experience to grow our love. Both of these things can be equally valuable to our life.

Not every relationship in our life should be about what we are receiving, but sometimes it is about who it can teach us to be.

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The Truth about Unconditional Love

Growing up, I heard the term “unconditional love” a lot. Honestly, I had the mindset unconditional love was everywhere. I thought every friend and family member I had would love me, value me, and honor me without condition.

Of course, it didn’t take me long to learn the harsh reality that unconditional love wasn’t as common as I thought. In reality, there are a whole lot of conditions to the relationships we live, some spoken and some unspoken.

For years of my life, I tried really hard to “prove” my worthiness to my friends and family. I did this by trying to be the “perfect” daughter, sister, friend, and wife. Of course, I was nowhere near perfect and this left me exhausted.

I was constantly afraid I wasn’t going to measure up and in the end, they would figure out I wasn’t worthy of their love.

In my early twenties, I became a bit obsessed with trying to be “perfect”, had a minor life breakdown, and demanded I find a new way for myself to live.

I will never forget, standing in front of my bed, crying to my husband that I was exhausted, broken, and completely discouraged. I felt like I was failing at being who everyone wanted me to be.

I felt like a failure… and I was.

I was a failure at reading everyone’s mind. I was a failure at being perfect. I was a failure at being sure no one would ever reject me.

You see, I was extremely afraid my friends and family expected me to be perfect and I knew the truth.

I wasn’t.

I was so afraid once everyone figured it out they would leave me.

And I was afraid to be alone.

This breakdown led me to one of the best journeys of my life. I decided to stop trying to be perfect. I chose to stop trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I decided to stop trying to control everyone else and their choice to love me or not to.

I looked at my life and realized there were a few people I really did think loved me unconditionally. I chose to talk to them about what I was going through.

I had conversations with them and explained how much I had been afraid of failing them. I talked to them and owned it. This wasn’t their problem to fix. It was mine. I didn’t tell them so they could treat me with care. I told them so they could encourage me to find healing.

And they did.

Year by year, I learned I did have people in my life who loved me unconditionally.

I learned not everyone, but some people are willing to look at the worst parts of me and say,

“That’s ok, I love you”.

I learned it was ok to be the failure that I was.

I became obsessed with getting real with my crap. I didn’t tell everyone everything, but I made sure to at least tell someone everything.

I started feeling free for the very first time in my life.

No secrets.

Nothing left to be afraid of.

I began to understand not everyone in my life is even called to love me unconditionally and I don’t even need that anymore.

I have learned I have been given unconditional love from a few so I can now give unconditional love to many.

And maybe in the end, that’s what it has always been about.

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I’m Offended {And I’m Missing the Point}

In recent weeks, I have been obsessing over the experience of being offended. I’ve been studying it. Listening. Watching. Questioning.

Offense is beyond interesting.

Offense feels like passion.

It feels righteous.

It feels justified.

Being offended makes us feel powerful and productive. When we get offended, it feels very important. It almost feels as if we are getting something accomplished. Which is quite intriguing.

Offense happens when someone disrespects us, devalues us, or disagrees with us.

We also take offense when someone does not respect our pain or validate a loss that we have experienced.

When we are offended, we feel justified to say, feel, or do, whatever we want.

Free pass.

Perhaps we don’t say whatever we want to the person, but we will undoubtedly find someone to express our outrage.  We want to be told that we are right in everything that we feel and justified in everything that we said.

Our offense keeps us laser focused on them and their failure. It frees us of any responsibility to own our reactions, emotions or perceptions.

Being offended is centered on the priority to blame them for everything, including the emotions that have risen within us.

When we are offended, grace and compassion are not necessary. We are not looking for a different perspective. We are looking for validation. We want every emotion that we feel to be respected.

Being offended feels powerful, but it’s not. It is actually void of power. We are not valiant. We are emotional.

It is not hard to follow our emotions. It is hard to challenge them.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about changing viewpoints to what the opposing side is saying. I am talking about taking responsibility for the extreme passion, anger or hurt that we allow to go unchecked and unresolved.

We must take responsibility for ourselves.

Our emotions. Our words. Our actions.

We must own them. We should prioritize understanding them. We should be dedicated to maturing them.

Being offended feels productive, but it is only truly productive if we use the experience as an opportunity to grow.

There is so much to learn about ourselves when we are offended.

Why do we feel the way we feel? Why are we so upset? Why are we unable to disagree respectfully? Why did what they said bother or hurt us so much? Why is it important that they agree with us?

Next time we find ourselves offended let’s try to resist the urge to blame.

Next time, let’s embrace the opportunity to grow.

Surprising enough, our job in this life is not to change them.

It is to grow ourselves.

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Learning to Let Go and Live Free

I used to have a hard time letting go of things.  I would hold on to my bitterness, hurt, anger, and disappointments.  I carried them around with me long after they had happened and I prided myself with my ability to do so.

I felt like if someone told me to let go of these things, it meant they didn’t value how hard the experience was for me. I actually felt it was almost offensive for them to suggest.

“How dare you tell me to forgive someone who hurt me so deeply. You obviously don’t care about the pain that they caused me.”

“How dare you tell me that I should just let something go.”

It wasn’t just my disappointment of others that I held onto. I would hold on to my own mistakes. I feared that if I let them go, then I might make that same one again. This scared me, because I was afraid of failure.

I didn't only carry my past with me. I also carried my future. You may be wondering, how could I hold on to something that hasn’t even happened yet?

Simple.

My expectations.

I used to hold on to my expectations and my plans as if they were glued to me. I had no plans of letting go.

Carrying all of these things made me feel powerful. Honestly, I used to think that letting go was for weak people. It was for those people who just couldn’t handle the stresses of life.

I loved control.

It made me feel safe. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I felt as if I simply controlled enough things that I would never be disappointed. That makes sense, right?

Except for one little problem.

I was so impressed with how much I was carrying that I never realized how much it was holding me back.

My past was turning me bitter and my future was filling me with fear.

All the time that I thought I was in control over it all, my past, my present and my future, I was actually not in control at all. Everything I was carrying had me trapped. It weighed me down.

I was a slave to it.

The past several years, I have dedicated my life to letting go. Letting go is not something that has come naturally for me in the slightest. It is a learned behavior.

Some things in life are simple and this is one of them.

Hold on or let go.

If we choose to hold onto our disappointments and fears in life, it will hold us back. Make no mistake about it, the very thing we think we are controlling will end up controlling us.

If we choose to own our brokenness and choose to forgive, release, and heal then we get to walk free.

There is no way around it. It is simple. Not easy, but simple. And beyond worth it.

I challenge you today to release the heavy load that you are carrying around. Only in letting go have I been able to find myself.

You may just find the same to be true.

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Our Intentions Matter... A Lot

Have you ever done the right thing for the wrong reason?

I have.

Growing up, I was taught that my intentions were just as important, if not more, than my actions.  However, I did not fully embrace this teaching.

It was easy for me to convince people, including myself, that my motivations in life were pure. However, my intentions were often fueled by more than I was willing to admit.

I was filled with the need to prove something to the world, but ultimately, I wanted to prove something to myself.

I was scared. I was scared of making a mistake. I was scared of failure. I was scared of rejection. I was scared of losing control. And to top it all off, I was ashamed of all of these things.

I felt like I should be more than I was.

And I was afraid that someone would find out.

It was not natural for me to question my own intentions. That is until one day, I decided to walk away from the façade and reconcile my internal motivations with the outward perception I had created.

The last several years, I have been on a journey to purify my intentions. I now live in a constant place of evaluating my motivations daily.

Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I saying what I am saying?Am I feeling ashamed? Am I feeling hurt? Am I being dishonest? Am I being hurtful?

Am I looking for people to accept me? Am I looking for someone to validate my worth? Am I looking for people to approve of my choices?

Am I afraid of possible conflict? Am I afraid I may disappoint someone?

I am no longer trying to prove anything, but trying to understand myself.

I am dedicated to understanding who I am and what motivates me in this life. 

The reason why we do the things we do is of utmost importance. Our intentions are the very thing that is fueling our choices. What would happen if we were all honest about our intentions?

Perhaps we should start with being honest with ourselves.

Our why matters. It matters a lot.

Are we being fueled by jealousy, insecurity, fear, anger, hate, comparison, or shame? What is our motivation? What is our intent?

Doing good things in this life is wonderful, but better than doing good things is doing them for the right reason. If we want to truly find freedom, we will have to come face to face with our real intentions.

 It is our responsibility to own our intentions.

No one can choose this journey for us. We have to demand ourselves to be honest with who we are, motivations and all. Not to feel ashamed, but to grow.

Whether we want to change them or not, we must face our intentions and own them. Make no mistake about it, if we do not own them, they will, in fact, own us.

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A Letter to my {Not So} Romantic Husband on this Romantic Holiday

Babe,

Here we are again. This is our 17th Valentine’s Day together and I would say we have the swing of it at this point.

I love that I know there is a 99% chance there are no surprises coming. (Although those two times you surprised me were pretty fun!)

I love that we both laughed this morning when I asked if you had a surprise get-a-way to the Bahamas planned for today. I love that I asked you if I should pick up my own chocolate covered strawberries or if you had it covered.

I love that at some point I know I will probably receive a card from you that looks like it was painted by Bob Ross and I will roll my eyes and laugh at your card picking skills. I love that I won’t be surprised by anything you say in the card because I know exactly how you feel about me.

I love that I don’t need a card.

 I love that you helped get the kiddos ready this morning and gave each of us a hug and kiss before you left. And I love that it is no different than any other morning.

I love that we may do a romantic date night this weekend or we may stay home and make pizzas with the kids. I love that either way I know we will have a great time.

I love that I no longer need you to prove anything to me on this particular day. I love that I have zero expectations.

I don’t need you to prove your love for me today because you prove your love for me every day.

Of course, we have had holidays that I did have expectations and felt very disappointed. But through the years, I think I have learned what love is really about.

Love isn’t about celebrating on the big days. Love is about appreciating the normal days.

Love is not about big acts, but small ones.

Every time you come home and the house is a wreck and you don’t say a thing.

Every time you help me fold and put away the mountain of laundry that I have gotten behind on.

Every time you do the dishes at the end of a long day and don’t mind if I sit.

Every time you get up with the kids in the night without me asking you to do it.

Every time you answer a call or text from me and listen to me rant about something I am frustrated by.

Every time you encourage me to keep moving forward in my hopes. Every time you listen to me share my fears. Every time you give me grace when I fail.

Every time you accept me right where I am, but encourage me to keep moving forward.

Days like these make me sit back and think about how blessed I am that I no longer need you to prove your love for me because you really have done that well.

I love you, babe.

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Learning to Be a Bully

I have been working on my ability to be a bully. I know what you are thinking, “Haley, it is not good to be a bully.” And for the most part, I agree with you.

I don’t believe in bullying people. Ever. I don’t believe in demeaning people and I believe that all people deserve to be valued.

However, this is an exception to that rule. In my opinion, this guy is the biggest bully I know and he deserves to be bullied in return.

In fact, he has probably tried to bully you too.

Do you know him?

His name is Fear.

To be honest, we weren’t always enemies. There was a time in my life that I actually thought we were friends. I trusted him to help guide me in my life. He would tell me what I should and shouldn’t do and I would obey. 

I thought he was protecting me.

I thought he was watching out for me and my best interest. I heard his concerns and I obeyed his commands. He ruled me.

Fear was the god of my life that I never realized I had.

I thought we were partners making decisions together until I recognized that I was never allowed to disagree with him. It was always his way or the highway.

The partnership I thought we had was actually a dictatorship.

He controlled me and he began to turn me into someone I never wanted to be. My life began to feel like it was slipping from my fingers. I was losing myself.

I had to take a stand.

So I did.

I put him in his place and told him how I felt. I wasn’t going to take his crap anymore. When I started walking away, he got mean. He began to taunt me and tell me that I wouldn’t make it without him.

He began to bully me.

How could I have ever thought this jerk was my friend?

He was not my friend.

As I continued to defy him, I was able to see his true intentions. All this time, I thought he was holding me back from death and he was actually holding me back from life.

His intentions were to take everything from me without me even knowing he had.

I was done with his manipulation. However, it wasn’t that simple. I was unable to get his voice completely out of my life, so I had to learn how to make choices for my life without considering his input.

To this day, when he tries to invite himself back into my life, I put him right back where he belongs.

In the corner. Out of my way.

We have a mutual understanding. He taunts me and I taunt him right back. He belittles me and I belittle him. We bully one another, yet I have learned that I hold all of the cards.

Every time he attempts to interfere with my plans, I look him in the eye and remind him that he resides in the corner of my life.

He is allowed to talk, but only because I haven’t quite figured out how to muzzle him yet.

To tell you the truth, I don’t even mind him in the corner so much. I like to look him in the face, tell him what I am going to do and then make him watch.

Fear is no longer my dictator, but he is merely a spectator to all of my awesomeness.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Want to join? Sign-up through email! CLICK HERE!!! 

Embracing My Brokenness

In my life, I was the person with the answers not the person with the problems. Don’t get me wrong, of course, I had problems, BUT I chose to avoid them if at all possible.

I hated moments of conflict, failure, and misunderstandings because those experiences had a way of highlighting my need for growth.

I trained in Jedi maneuvers to ensure that nothing ever came back and pinpointed to my brokenness. I was a master at making sure that you or they were always pinned with the “issues”.

Not me. I knew too much. I was too advanced for issues. Issues were for common folk.

The girl with the answers can’t be broken.

Right?

Except I was.

I was broken, but I didn’t know how to be.

Does that even make sense?? I don’t care if it does or not. That’s how I lived.

I wanted to be perfect.

It wasn’t about being better than you. It wasn’t about you at all. I didn’t want you to fail, but I would rather you fail than me. Not because I didn’t love you, but because so much of my life was centered on avoiding my need for improvement.

I did not know how to accept the things within myself that were not beautiful. I hated my jealousy. I avoided my insecurity. I resented my anxiety.

I did not enjoy feeling weak and to me, my brokenness made me feel very weak.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I acted like my brokenness didn’t exist. I created a LaLa Land that said that no matter what I felt I would just be *strong*.

Don’t be a broken person. Ever.

Somewhere along the way, I felt it was part of my identity to not be broken.

I see now that this was a major problem.  I was missing the point the whole time. Ignoring my brokenness was keeping me stuck. 

My brokenness is just as much a part of me as my strengths. My brokenness is part of my story.  It deserves to be understood.

All the time I prided myself in not needing to change, I was really robbing myself from my potential.

It has been the process of embracing my brokenness that has taught me my strength. I have faced who I am. The good. The bad. The ugly.

I finally know myself. 

I know that I am beautiful... a beautiful work in progress. 

So much better to be a work in progress than the girl who isn’t making any progress at all. 

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

My Major Misunderstanding of Love

I used to think that the words “relationship” and “love” could be defined as the same, but they are not the same at all. Understanding the difference between having a relationship and experiencing love has been life altering for me. 

Relationships are a mutual choice between two people to experience life together.

Love is the choice of one person to value another.

Relationships must be experienced by two.

Love is given by one.

I used to be a person of very conditional love. It was common for me to lower people’s value based on my perception of them and their choices. 

Which is quite interesting considering I have spent my entire life dedicated to a faith based on love.

For the past decade, I have been growing my capacity to love and I am quite pleased to say that I am now able to offer love to even the most frustrating of persons.

My ultimate goal?

Unconditional love.  

I have been through a lot with people through the years and I get it.

People suck.

They do.

People lie. People cheat. People steal. People can’t be trusted. People hurt us. People betray us.

I’m not here to tell you otherwise.

I’ve been there. Heck, I’m there today.

I get it.

But I am all in.

 I have two feet planted deep into the battle to love and I have the scars to prove it.

I am talking about loving bigger than feelings and experiencing something deeper than mere pleasantries.

I am talking about living in the trenches and fighting for a cause that I believe in.

I am talking about choosing to value those who have disappointed me, respecting those who disagree with me, blessing those who curse me, forgiving those who have betrayed me, and loving those people who have rejected me.

My decision to love has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. However, it is that very decision that has caused me the most pain and disappointment in my life. 

But no matter the cost, I will love. Period.

I love because I have been given love and it has changed my life.

Does that mean I have the same relationship with everyone? Absolutely not. Relationships require mutual admiration and respect. Love does not.

Despite popular belief, my ability or inability to value someone does not define them... but it does define me.

I now understand that love is not an easy way out.
Love is my only way free.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

Learning to Fail

Recently, I was talking to Carter and was anxiously telling him about a failure. You know those moments that you are face to face with the inevitable fact that you have failed something or someone?

Ugh! I HATE those moments.

I do.

I was worked up and nervously talking away. When all of the sudden Carter stopped me, put his arms around me, looked me in the eyes and said two amazingly perfect words.

“Be Free.”

He continued to tell me that it was fine, that I was fine and that I had to learn to let these things go.

It was fine.

I was fine.

For the past decade of my life, I have been trying to learn how to fail and after ten plus years, I still don’t know exactly how to do it. Of course, I can fail. Failing is inevitable, but I am still learning how to fail well.

How can I still be here after so many years of believing in grace?

How is it possible that I am still so affected by my failure? Why are my limitations, mistakes, and misunderstandings so scary to me? I have come so far, but I still have a long ways to go.

In the past, when I have failed, I felt the need to cover up my failure and hide my mistakes. At the same time, I would defend my value as if it was something that needed defending. 

During my failure, there was always a little voice taunting me... What if my fears are true? What if my fail is a sign that I not only failed, but I am a failure?? But worse, what if I am a failure who is destined to fail forever?

What if I not only got it wrong but what if I am wrong?  What if I don't just make mistakes. What if I am the mistake? 

(insert tear.)

Several years ago, I became quite aware that my fear of failure could have the potential to steal my entire life from me. I rallied myself, gathered some peeps around me to help me stay on track, and I went forth into the world determined not to let my fear of failure steal from my life. 

I really don't enjoy failure. I am more of an enjoyer of success. Success is fun, but I don’t believe that we learn jack squat during our successes. Now our failures are a different story... our failures are full of opportunities.

Our failures show us our fears.

Our failures show us our weaknesses.

Our failures give us an opportunity to experience grace.

Do not get me wrong, I still do not enjoy failing, but I have learned to value the process. Learning to fail has taught me a lot about who I am and the fears that are within me. I have and will continue to fail. And that's ok.

We must embrace the role that failure will play in our lives.

Our goal should not be to not fail.

Our goal should be to learn how.

My fails still bother me at times, but no matter how hard I fall on my face I choose to be kind to myself. I evaluate my intentions and determine if they need any correction. If they do, I own it. When I struggle to have grace for myself, I ask someone to help me move forward without shame.

Perhaps the greatest change I have made is that I no longer act like it isn't happening. I face it so that I can learn from it. I choose to grow instead of choosing to remain the same. I own my issues. I own my mistakes. 

I own my failure.

I choose to heal and move forward fully knowing that I will fail again, but no longer allowing it to keep me from living the life I was meant to live.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

If You Need to Judge Me Then Do What You Must

I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.

If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too.

You don’t know what I’ve been through. You do not understand why I am who I am. You don’t know what my journey has cost me. You don’t know the tears that I’ve cried or the fears that I’ve fought. You don’t understand all the times that I have chosen to grow and I have chosen to learn.

I used to feel so afraid of you and your disapproval.

It used to take my breath away and choke me as if it could kill me. I used to do things for you… so that you would approve of me… so that you would love me.

And then I stopped.

I had to.

I realized that even with the best of trying I couldn’t make you happy. I couldn’t be everything you wanted me to be.

I had to stop running after you and the disappearing vapors of your approval because I realized in the chase for your endorsement I was losing myself.

I believe you want the best for me and you feel you know what that is. Thank you, but it seems that you are incapable of loving me without very specific requirements of who I must be. Thanks for the offer, but I am gonna have to say “no thanks”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “no thanks” to you. I am saying “no thanks” to the burden of your expectations.

I would love for you to be a part of my journey, but I will not base my life choices on the critical words that I hear from you. I will not base my value on your sliding scale of interpretation.

I say that without hate or malice. I mean you no disrespect. I value you, but I can see clearly that you struggle to do the same for me.

So I release you.

I no longer need you to approve of me. I no longer need you to validate my worth.

Why?

Because I have found it for myself.

I know you feel it is your job to measure my performance and my worth, but I assure you, it is not. 

I release you from loving me in a way that you are unable to. I will no longer expect you to understand my heart.

I will no longer expect you to trust my intent.

 I will move forward with the understanding that at least for now, you are unable to love me without conditions. I will choose to love you right where you are despite your inability to do the same for me.

And that’s ok.

I have grace for you to be where you are. I give you grace not because of who you are, but because of who I am, because of the journey that I have taken…

the very journey that you fail to understand.

-Haley

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Ten Things to Know About Manipulators {From a Recovering, Insecure, Manipulative Control Freak}

 Many people do not realize that I am a recovering control freak who was born with a natural ability to manipulate people.

From the time I was little, I can remember watching people, listening, and learning how people reacted to certain things. From parents to teachers, to friends, I liked to read people and once I did, I learned how to give them what they wanted for one primary reason... so that I could get what I wanted. 

Being a manipulator means you are aware of how other people function and use it to your advantage.

 Here are a few ways to identify a manipulator
(from my experience of being one):

1- Manipulators are "givers". 

It is important to understand that a manipulative person is often a very giving person. Particularly in the beginning of a relationship. However, manipulators are very wise and thoughtful about what they give to others.

I don't mean only material gifts, although that certainly can be a way to manipulate. I mean things like time, attention, flattery and affection. Manipulators do not mind giving. They see it as tool to get what they want from you.

Remember this: They will only give you what you want as long as it doesn't compromise their primary goal... what they want.

2- Manipulators are selfish.

How can I make the blanket statement that ALL manipulators are selfish? Well, through the years, I have learned that manipulating someone I "love" without explaining to them what I am doing is not love.

When I choose to manipulate someone, I do so for only one person.

Myself.

Remember this: You will often hear manipulative people talk about how much they care about other people. 

3- Manipulators distance themselves from other manipulators.

Manipulative people will surround themselves with non-manipulative people. To be around other manipulators runs the risk of a power struggle and manipulators do not like to struggle for their power.

Remember this: Manipulators like to feel in control. They do NOT like it if someone else tries to manipulate them but hate it, even more, when someone tries to manipulate someone they felt they had control over.

4- Manipulators learn how to isolate people from one another.

If you begin a relationship with a manipulative person and they realize someone in your life who is not supportive of them, they will begin to cause tension between you and that person.

They will do this strategically. They will plant small seeds of frustration so that you believe it is actually your idea to distance yourself.

Remember this: They will often use ideas of "you deserve better". Of course, what they mean is that they are "better".

5- Manipulative people often present themselves as being "go with the flow" type people.

They will often say things like "I am really easygoing" or "I don't care". Manipulators use this tactic to keep targets off of their backs.

If a manipulator presents themselves as being easygoing, then it becomes very difficult for people to blame them for manipulation.

A "go with the flow" type of person doesn't care enough to try to control someone else. Right??

Remember this: Manipulative people can say they are laid back; however, manipulators have a very difficult time controlling themselves if their control begins to be challenged. Watch out for this.

6- Manipulators are always insecure.

This may seem like a reach, but let me tell you. It is true. The need to manipulate and the need to control people and circumstances comes from fear. They fear that if they aren't in control, then something may happen to them that they aren't prepared for. 

Remember this: The control gives them a false sense of security; however, it should never take controlling another person to make a person feel secure. 

7- Manipulators are master presenters. 

The best skill that a manipulator has is their presentation. A great manipulator has learned the *art* of presenting what they want people to know in a very specific manner.

Nothing is said without thought.

It is all part of the "presentation". Manipulators are very careful to not let people see ugly parts of themselves. 

Remember this: No one can be in *presenter* mode forever. The closer you get to a manipulator the more you will feel you need to be a part of the *show* that they present. You will find yourself defending them and even describing them in ways that aren't reality. 

8- Manipulators are afraid to be alone.

No one wants to be alone or rejected. Manipulators use their *gift* to ensure that they won't be. They will use their presentation skills to appear perfect so that people will love them. 

A manipulator will always have a response when someone rejects them. There most certainly will be a level of retaliation. They will use their skill to show others why that person is not worthy of love.

Remember this: When distancing yourself from a controlling relationship, be sure that you do so wisely and in a way that does not put you in harm. Reach out for help and support.

9- Manipulators Often seem very supportive of your choices. (But there is a catch.)

Surprisingly, one of the most common ways that manipulators manipulate is to convince people that a choice was their choice all along. 

A manipulator *masters* the ability to make decisions for other people before the other person even realizes there was a choice.

Manipulators can be some of the most supportive friends in the world... as long as you choose what they want you to choose.

A manipulator struggles when they feel out of control; even a simple change of course that they didn't see coming can cause them stress. 

Remember this: In a healthy relationship a true friend will support you to make your own choices. Even if they disagree with you, they should not try to control you..

10- The one thing that will GET a person to stop MANIPULATING

There is one thing and one thing only that can stop a person from manipulating other people.

They have to decide for THEMSELVES to stop.

No amount of vulnerability, begging, hoping, pleading can get a person to live an honest life. The only person who can choose to do so is them. It is hard to live an open and honest life and it is beyond scary to live vulnerably. Many people will never choose to do so. Many will forever use the buffer of presentation to protect themselves from rejection. 

And then, of course, there are those people who love the game of it all. They are not interested in experiencing real love, they just want control.

Remember this: Unfortunately, a manipulator has to be ready to do this for themselves. 

So what made me realize that manipulation was not how I wanted to live?

Simple.

I experienced love.

Real love.

With honesty, vulnerability, kindness, care, and respect. I slowly realized how incapable of love I was. I had used manipulation on some level in almost every relationship that I had. I began to take the journey of learning how to have healthy relationships. Relationships where I respect others’ right to make choices for themselves and I trust my friends enough to be honest about who I am.

I had to come face to face with the shame of my imperfections.

 I chose to embrace that other people’s choices were (or at least should be) out of my control, and I had to learn to confront the fear that people I love may leave me if/when I fail.

I had to learn to accept the broken, insecure, vulnerable, amazing person that I am.

Letting go of my skill to manipulate is maybe one of the proudest things I have done in my life. It has opened up my life to experiencing the kind of love that I have always longed for and always hoped to find. 

I can be me.

But most importantly I can support you to be you.

With no strings attached.

Much love and many blessings.

-Haley

I Betrayed Her... Now What?

What do you do when you fail someone that you love?

I could not turn back time.

I could not make it right.

I could not justify my actions or explain my failure.

It was what it was.

Betrayal.

I have a handful of moments that have shaped me as a person. This being one. I sat on my couch feeling quite defenseless and humble. I will never forget the moment that I was sitting in front of her.

I knew what I had to do.

I had to ask for forgiveness.

Why?

Because I had betrayed her.

My friend. That I loved.

I listened first. I agreed with everything she said. What had happened was wrong. To be honest, it was one of the only times of my life I had no justification and no explanation. No defense.

As she relived her experience it was as if her pain lived inside of each word.

I could feel her heartache within me.

And here I was.

Going to ask her for something.

Forgiveness.

It is a humbling experience to look someone in the eye and seek forgiveness. There was no reason that it should be given and no reason that it would be.

I hated that we were here, I wished that I could travel back into time and change what had happened, but I couldn’t. There was nothing left to do, but to seek mercy. This was not a mercy I had earned. No actions or words could take away the hurt.

As I listened, I understood the crossroads that we were at. She would decide if there would ever be an “us” again. The ball was in her court.

She had to decide if I was worth the risk.

I listened to her. She listened to me.

And through great sorrow, she said the words...

“I forgive you.”

She looked me in the eye and told me that she loved me. She was willing to offer me her love even though I had failed her. Even now, as I recall this experience I feel moved to tears. 

This moment changed me forever.

It quite literally changed who I was.

She gave me permission to move forward. Not without regret, but with mercy. Past the choice I had made and into growing from who I was into who I wanted to be.

I will always feel a certain amount of debt towards her. She gave me mercy that I am not sure I would have been able to offer myself without her permission. 

 The pain I caused her will forever be on my list of things I regret in my life.

I know my words of repentance did not nearly carry the power that her words of forgiveness carried. I understood that her choosing those words came at a high price for her. It cost her to release me from what I deserved.

The choice she made did not end that day. Her choice caused a ripple through my life.

 Relationships can suck because people fail us and people betray us, but I want to suggest that it is in these moments that we are given the opportunity to change the world. 

because I was forgiven.

And it changed my world.

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