REDEMPTION UNVEILED
What Is Love?
In honor of Carter and I celebrating our thirteenth wedding anniversary, I decided to write about love. What is love? Here is a bit of what love is to me. “Love is surprisingly exciting and exceptionally mundane. It is found in traveling around the world together, but also sitting on the couch…” What is love to you?
Love is surprisingly exciting and exceptionally mundane. It is found in traveling around the world together, but also sitting on the couch.
Love is dreaming big plans, but living on a budget. Love is joining your hopes together and knowing the risk. Love is taking a chance.
Love is living in the moment, but sticking through the years.
Love is not having to wonder what they say when you’re not there. Love is being valued. Love is feeling safe.
Love is being chosen.
Love is being listened to even when they’re tired. Love is being encouraged, lifted up, and held high. Love is being heard.
Love is being told the truth. Love is forgiving.
Love is telling the truth. Love is being forgiven.
Love is laughing together, but also wiping one another’s tears. Love is being broken, but finding the path to wholeness, hand in hand.
Love is not only about saying the sweet things, but being willing to say the hard things, too.
Love is butterflies, hugs, and kisses. Love is special dinner dates and boring Tuesdays. Love is evening walks and late night talks. Love is dancing in the kitchen and dreaming on the porch.
Love is finding freedom. Love is having self-control.
Love is against all odds.
Love is you. Love is me. Love is us. Together Forever. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary.
-Your Gal
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Love Sucks
(I was given the opportunity to be a guest on the "Inside Out" podcast. Check out the link at the end of this article.)
I made a choice long ago to be a person who loves. Over the years, I have slowly grown my capacity to love much like exercising a muscle to gain strength. Loving big is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life.
But let me let you in on something I have learned…
Love sucks.
I made a choice long ago to be a person who loves. Over the years, I have slowly grown my capacity to love much like exercising a muscle to gain strength. Loving big is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life.
But let me let you in on something I have learned…
Love sucks.
Yep, there. I said it.
When I casually hear the word “love” I think about hugs and kisses, rainbows and butterflies, and people singing Kumbaya while holding hands. However, living a life of love is so far from roses and rainbows.
Living a life of love looks more like a warzone than a Hallmark card.
Unfortunately, love is filled with so many things that aren’t warm and fuzzy. Love is filled with misunderstandings and love is filled with disappointments.
Loving big means opening up and creating vulnerability within your life.
The more vulnerable you become, the more likely you are to experience pain.
Love also opens the door to experience one of the most painful things that exist, rejection.
Love hurts.
I am not talking about drama. I am talking about the inevitable experience of pain if you choose to be a person who loves big. No question. No doubt about it.
“Love”
It sounds really simple.
But it’s not.
It’s not easy to love people when they disappoint you. It is not easy to love people when they don’t show up for you. It’s not easy to love people who have hurt you. It is not easy to love people who have betrayed you. It is not easy to love people who have rejected you. It is not easy to love people who disagree with you.
To put it simply, it is not easy to love people.
It is complex and messy and all twisted up like a tangled necklace with a really small chain.
Do I really want to love people? What about the people who haven’t supported me as I expected? Do I love those people? Do I choose to love even the people who aren’t loving me?
Years ago, I settled something in myself. I decided to go down a path of love. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever go back. I was choosing love. The end.
I will choose to love despite the decision made by the person on the other side. I will bless. Period. Even for those who reject me, I will choose to value.
I will not sway from this belief.
I will not falter from this regard.
I have cried many tears over my choice to love, but what better way to spend my tears than experiencing the depth of something that always produces beauty in my life?
Love sucks, but love is worth it every time.
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Is This a Time for Rage?
I just finished reading a nationally circulated article that told me that “this is a time for rage”. It was speaking on some of the recent events of the political landscape and the current sexual investigations that are taking place.
I am no stranger to the current world we live in and it is no great surprise for me to see rage, but this was something new. This was the first time that I had actually seen a writer not just speak in a state of rage, but recommend it as the best option as we move through these difficult situations.
I could not believe it.
Really? That is the best that we have?
With all of the tools, emotions and communication styles we have access to we are going to select our rage?
I just finished reading a nationally circulated article that told me that “this is a time for rage”. It was speaking on some of the recent events of the political landscape and the current sexual investigations that are taking place.
I am no stranger to the current world we live in and it is no great surprise for me to see rage, but this was something new. This was the first time that I had actually seen a writer not just speak in a state of rage, but recommend it as the best option as we move through these difficult situations.
I could not believe it.
Really? That is the best that we have?
With all of the tools, emotions and communication styles we have access to we are going to select our rage?
Is that what people really think?
That rage is going to get us through?
Rage is our savior?
Not for me.
I don’t have faith in my rage.
Rage is an emotion, it is not a solution.
When we feel enraged, we feel like we have a purpose. We see the path ahead and we have no doubt that we can conquer it. It makes us feel brave and important.
Our rage makes us feel powerful.
Our rage is an understandable emotion that arises as we journey through some of these difficult experiences, it makes us feel like we are seeing crystal clear, but it actually blinds us. We are unable to see anything else but our emotion and our perception. When we feel rage we are often incapable of listening well and uninterested in learning because we demand to be heard.
I do understand that rage can be quite productive. It can be a great influencer, communicator and motivator to get people in action, but let’s be clear, the action that rage will spark is not one that will bring beauty to this world.
While rage is easy to grow, it is not easily controlled and the more it spreads the harder it is to keep in check.
Rage is loyal to itself and not even the cause at hand.
Rage is not a superhuman power to get things done. It is an ineffective strategy for creating positive change.
We have leaders instructing their followers to take up anger as a tool to solve our problems.
Umm… no thanks.
Rage can ignite fiery passion and can cause intimidation, but is this really going to give us what we want? Is this going to create the environment that we want our children to grow up in?
If encouraged, our rage will produce hate, intolerance, and violence.
Rage has no peace to offer us.
Rage has no answers for us.
Rage is not the solution.
Being unable to control our temper is not our strength, this my friends is actually part of the problem. Rage may have to be a part of all of this, but to credit it as our strength would be a mistake.
Our bitterness, our rage, and our anger will never heal us or create peace in this world. The healing that we find after our rage will.
We will heal this problem by sharing and listening to the experiences that have occurred. We will heal as the stories of darkness get brought to the light. We will heal as people who have found healing share the way. We will heal in our understanding. We will heal as we connect and support one another. We will heal as we become equipped. We will heal as we forgive.
We will heal as we speak to our youth and educate them on these things that have gone unspoken in generations past.
We will heal as we teach people to do better.
We will begin to heal as we better understand the mindsets that have let these actions take place repeatedly while staying in the dark generationally.
We will not heal because of our rage. We will heal despite it.
We need to do better.
Not just with our sexual misbehaviors, but with our response to them as well. We must find a different way to navigate these difficult experiences.
Rage may be a step along the journey, but should not be the destination. Make no mistake about it, we want to keep moving forward.
We want a better world for every woman and every man. We want a better world for our children.
If we want better, then we all must do better.
Our culture needs an answer to this problem and I am sure that rage is not that answer.
No matter how we feel, our rage is not actually effective for us to get what we want.
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Ten Keys to Experiencing Long-Lasting Love
There is nothing simple or easy about love. If you want to find love that lasts through the years, you will need to be ready to experience a lot of ups and downs.
I have been in a relationship with the same man for 17 years.
No breaks.
No separations.
Let me tell you some of the things that I have learned about love after being with the same man for over half of my life.
There is nothing simple or easy about love. If you want to find love that lasts through the years, you will need to be ready to experience a lot of ups and downs.
I have been in a
relationship with the same man for 17 years.
No breaks.
No separations.
Let me tell you
some of the things that I have learned about love after being with the same man
for over half of my life.
Love doesn’t
always feel passionate.
I will never
forget the first time I looked at Carter and felt nothing. No passion. No
excitement. We were dating, and I almost broke up with him. By the next week my
feelings were back and felt stronger than ever.
Moral of the
story, it happens.
If you want to
be with someone long-term, understand that at times, it can feel quite mundane
and BORING!
To this day, if we are in a season that feels a tad dull, I almost get excited because I know with a little effort I can turn dull back into exciting passion. It’s like falling in love all over again, and I love it!
Make an effort.
In relationships
it is SO easy to be aware of everything your partner is NOT doing. But what are
you doing? Never stop making an effort to show them you love them.
Let’s be clear,
there is no magic formula that makes love fun. Your relationship will be what
you both decide it to be. It should not be any surprise that if you choose not
to prioritize your relationship it will show.
Your love will
be what you both choose to make it.
Find adventure
together.
What adventures
do you want to have in this life? Do you want to travel? Would you like to
start your own company? Do you want to have children? Do you want to adopt?
Talk about what
you want out of this life and then talk about it some more.
No matter what
adventures you choose, laugh and have fun as you live it.
Before you
commit to someone, be sure that you are on the same page on what you want out
of this adventurous life!
Don’t settle.
I never settled.
From the very beginning I knew what I wanted from a partner. I wouldn’t have
accepted anything less. I knew what my goals were for my life, and I
continually asked Carter if those would work for him.
Before you
commit to someone, it is very important to talk and talk A LOT. Do not
compromise too much because you may find that you resent them later for keeping
you from what you really wanted out of life.
Be honest.
In my opinion,
honesty is an absolute necessity for a relationship. Don’t want to live honest?
Not fair. Being in a relationship with a person who is not honest is like being
in a relationship with a shadow.
Choose to be
real. Be seen. Experience love.
Give them what
they need. Not what you need.
Find out what
makes your partner feel valued. Do that for them. Don’t love them how you want
to be loved, love them how they want to be loved.
Long lasting
love will involve heartbreak. Don’t be surprised, but don’t give up.
If you choose to
live life with another human for an extended amount of time, it will include
disappointment and heartbreak. We all have our issues and unfortunately, it is
not all that rare to find yourself feeling betrayed by someone you love.
You will never
find someone perfect. Choose to be with the person that is worth the hassle.
Believe in
Redemption. Believe in Restoration.
Value one
another.
Does this seem
like a stupid thing to put on the list?
Well, let me
tell you, it can be harder than you think to value someone after years
together. It is easy to get discouraged with the way your partner lives.
Honor your
partner.
Sure, they’ve
got their issues. I know. We all do. Find things that you love, respect and
admire and honor them for being who they are. Quirks and all.
Never stop
choosing one another.
Don’t stop
experiencing life together. Don’t stop talking about your hopes, goals and
fears.
Continue to
learn about yourself and continue to learn about one another.
Find enough
things to keep you connected. This doesn’t mean you do everything together, but
find a way that makes you both feel like you are on the same page and working
toward the same overall goals.
It take two to
tango.
Now this is
possibly the hardest part of a relationship. No matter what, it takes two.
Don’t get me
wrong, there will be times because of health, stress, or situations that one of
you may feel like you are putting in more effort than the other and that is
part of it.
However, no
matter the effort or desire of one person to make a relationship work, it truly
does take two. It doesn’t always have to be exactly equal or always fair, but
it does have to at least be two people who choose one another and choose to put
an effort into the relationship.
Love.
It is not what I
expected, but is way better than I ever could’ve hoped.
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I’m Offended {And I’m Missing the Point}
In recent weeks, I have been obsessing over the experience of being offended. I’ve been studying it. Listening. Watching. Questioning.
Offense is beyond interesting.
Offense feels like passion.
It feels righteous.
It feels justified.
Being offended makes us feel powerful and productive. When we get offended, it feels very important. It almost feels as if we are getting something accomplished. Which is quite intriguing.
Offense happens when someone disrespects us, devalues us, or disagrees with us. We also take offense when someone does not respect our pain or validate a loss that we have experienced.
When we are offended we feel justified to say, feel, or do, whatever we want.
Free pass.
In recent weeks, I have been obsessing over the experience of being offended. I’ve been studying it. Listening. Watching. Questioning.
Offense is beyond interesting.
Offense feels like passion.
It feels righteous.
It feels justified.
Being offended makes us feel powerful and productive. When we get offended, it feels very important. It almost feels as if we are getting something accomplished. Which is quite intriguing.
Offense happens when someone disrespects us, devalues us, or disagrees with us.
We also take offense when someone does not respect our pain or validate a loss that we have experienced.
When we are offended, we feel justified to say, feel, or do, whatever we want.
Free pass.
Perhaps we don’t say whatever we want to the person, but we will undoubtedly find someone to express our outrage. We want to be told that we are right in everything that we feel and justified in everything that we said.
Our offense keeps us laser focused on them and their failure. It frees us of any responsibility to own our reactions, emotions or perceptions.
Being offended is centered on the priority to blame them for everything, including the emotions that have risen within us.
When we are offended, grace and compassion are not necessary. We are not looking for a different perspective. We are looking for validation. We want every emotion that we feel to be respected.
Being offended feels powerful, but it’s not. It is actually void of power. We are not valiant. We are emotional.
It is not hard to follow our emotions. It is hard to challenge them.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about changing viewpoints to what the opposing side is saying. I am talking about taking responsibility for the extreme passion, anger or hurt that we allow to go unchecked and unresolved.
We must take responsibility for ourselves.
Our emotions. Our words. Our actions.
We must own them. We should prioritize understanding them. We should be dedicated to maturing them.
Being offended feels productive, but it is only truly productive if we use the experience as an opportunity to grow.
There is so much to learn about ourselves when we are offended.
Why do we feel the way we feel? Why are we so upset? Why are we unable to disagree respectfully? Why did what they said bother or hurt us so much? Why is it important that they agree with us?
Next time we find ourselves offended let’s try to resist the urge to blame.
Next time, let’s embrace the opportunity to grow.
Surprising enough, our job in this life is not to change them.
It is to grow ourselves.
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A Letter to my {Not So} Romantic Husband on this Romantic Holiday
Babe,
Here we are again. This is our 17th Valentine’s Day together and I would say we have the swing of it at this point.
I love that I know there is a 99% chance there are no surprises coming. (Although those two times you surprised me were pretty fun!)
I love that we both laughed this morning when I asked if you had a surprise get-a-way to the Bahamas planned for today. I love that I asked you if I should pick up my own chocolate covered strawberries or if you had it covered.
I love that at some point I know I will probably receive a card from you that looks like it was painted by Bob Ross and I will roll my eyes and laugh at your card picking skills. I love that I won’t be surprised by anything you say in the card because I know exactly how you feel about me...
Babe,
Here we are again. This is our 17th Valentine’s Day together and I would say we have the swing of it at this point.
I love that I know there is a 99% chance there are no surprises coming. (Although those two times you surprised me were pretty fun!)
I love that we both laughed this morning when I asked if you had a surprise get-a-way to the Bahamas planned for today. I love that I asked you if I should pick up my own chocolate covered strawberries or if you had it covered.
I love that at some point I know I will probably receive a card from you that looks like it was painted by Bob Ross and I will roll my eyes and laugh at your card picking skills. I love that I won’t be surprised by anything you say in the card because I know exactly how you feel about me.
I love that I don’t need a card.
I love that you helped get the kiddos ready this morning and gave each of us a hug and kiss before you left. And I love that it is no different than any other morning.
I love that we may do a romantic date night this weekend or we may stay home and make pizzas with the kids. I love that either way I know we will have a great time.
I love that I no longer need you to prove anything to me on this particular day. I love that I have zero expectations.
I don’t need you to prove your love for me today because you prove your love for me every day.
Of course, we have had holidays that I did have expectations and felt very disappointed. But through the years, I think I have learned what love is really about.
Love isn’t about celebrating on the big days. Love is about appreciating the normal days.
Love is not about big acts, but small ones.
Every time you come home and the house is a wreck and you don’t say a thing.
Every time you help me fold and put away the mountain of laundry that I have gotten behind on.
Every time you do the dishes at the end of a long day and don’t mind if I sit.
Every time you get up with the kids in the night without me asking you to do it.
Every time you answer a call or text from me and listen to me rant about something I am frustrated by.
Every time you encourage me to keep moving forward in my hopes. Every time you listen to me share my fears. Every time you give me grace when I fail.
Every time you accept me right where I am, but encourage me to keep moving forward.
Days like these make me sit back and think about how blessed I am that I no longer need you to prove your love for me because you really have done that well.
I love you, babe.
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My Major Misunderstanding of Love
I used to be a person of very conditional love. It was common for me to lower people’s value based on my perception of them and their choices.
Which is quite interesting considering I have spent my entire life dedicated to a faith based on love.
For the past decade, I have been growing my capacity to love and I am quite pleased to say that I am now able to offer love to even the most frustrating of persons.
My ultimate goal?
Unconditional love.
I have been through a lot with people through the years and I get it.
People suck...
I used to think that the words “relationship” and “love” could be defined as the same, but they are not the same at all. Understanding the difference between having a relationship and experiencing love has been life altering for me.
Relationships are a mutual choice between two people to experience life together.
Love is the choice of one person to value another.
Relationships must be experienced by two.
Love is given by one.
I used to be a person of very conditional love. It was common for me to lower people’s value based on my perception of them and their choices.
Which is quite interesting considering I have spent my entire life dedicated to a faith based on love.
For the past decade, I have been growing my capacity to love and I am quite pleased to say that I am now able to offer love to even the most frustrating of persons.
My ultimate goal?
Unconditional love.
I have been through a lot with people through the years and I get it.
People suck.
They do.
People lie. People cheat. People steal. People can’t be trusted. People hurt us. People betray us.
I’m not here to tell you otherwise.
I’ve been there. Heck, I’m there today.
I get it.
But I am all in.
I have two feet planted deep into the battle to love and I have the scars to prove it.
I am talking about loving bigger than feelings and experiencing something deeper than mere pleasantries.
I am talking about living in the trenches and fighting for a cause that I believe in.
I am talking about choosing to value those who have disappointed me, respecting those who disagree with me, blessing those who curse me, forgiving those who have betrayed me, and loving those people who have rejected me.
My decision to love has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. However, it is that very decision that has caused me the most pain and disappointment in my life.
But no matter the cost, I will love. Period.
I love because I have been given love and it has changed my life.
Does that mean I have the same relationship with everyone? Absolutely not. Relationships require mutual admiration and respect. Love does not.
Despite popular belief, my ability or inability to value someone does not define them... but it does define me.
I now understand that love is not an easy way out.
Love is my only way free.
Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me? CLICK HERE!!!
Learning to Fail
For the past decade of my life, I have been trying to learn how to fail and after ten plus years, I still don’t know exactly how to do it. Of course, I can fail. Failing is inevitable, but I am still learning how to fail well.
How can I still be here after so many years of believing in grace?
How is it possible that I am still so affected by my failure? Why are my limitations, mistakes, and misunderstandings so scary to me? I have come so far, but I still have a long ways to go.
In the past, when I have failed, I felt the need to cover up my failure and hide my mistakes. At the same time, I would defend my value as if it was something that needed defending.
During my failure, there was always a little voice taunting me... What if my fears are true? What if my fail is a sign that I not only failed, but I am a failure?? But worse, what if I am a failure who is destined to fail forever?
Recently, I was talking to Carter and was anxiously telling him about a failure. You know those moments that you are face to face with the inevitable fact that you have failed something or someone?
Ugh! I HATE those moments.
I do.
I was worked up and nervously talking away. When all of the sudden Carter stopped me, put his arms around me, looked me in the eyes and said two amazingly perfect words.
“Be Free.”
He continued to tell me that it was fine, that I was fine and that I had to learn to let these things go.
It was fine.
I was fine.
For the past decade of my life, I have been trying to learn how to fail and after ten plus years, I still don’t know exactly how to do it. Of course, I can fail. Failing is inevitable, but I am still learning how to fail well.
How can I still be here after so many years of believing in grace?
How is it possible that I am still so affected by my failure? Why are my limitations, mistakes, and misunderstandings so scary to me? I have come so far, but I still have a long ways to go.
In the past, when I have failed, I felt the need to cover up my failure and hide my mistakes. At the same time, I would defend my value as if it was something that needed defending.
During my failure, there was always a little voice taunting me... What if my fears are true? What if my fail is a sign that I not only failed, but I am a failure?? But worse, what if I am a failure who is destined to fail forever?
What if I not only got it wrong but what if I am wrong? What if I don't just make mistakes. What if I am the mistake?
(insert tear.)
Several years ago, I became quite aware that my fear of failure could have the potential to steal my entire life from me. I rallied myself, gathered some peeps around me to help me stay on track, and I went forth into the world determined not to let my fear of failure steal from my life.
I really don't enjoy failure. I am more of an enjoyer of success. Success is fun, but I don’t believe that we learn jack squat during our successes. Now our failures are a different story... our failures are full of opportunities.
Our failures show us our fears.
Our failures show us our weaknesses.
Our failures give us an opportunity to experience grace.
Do not get me wrong, I still do not enjoy failing, but I have learned to value the process. Learning to fail has taught me a lot about who I am and the fears that are within me. I have and will continue to fail. And that's ok.
We must embrace the role that failure will play in our lives.
Our goal should not be to not fail.
Our goal should be to learn how.
My fails still bother me at times, but no matter how hard I fall on my face I choose to be kind to myself. I evaluate my intentions and determine if they need any correction. If they do, I own it. When I struggle to have grace for myself, I ask someone to help me move forward without shame.
Perhaps the greatest change I have made is that I no longer act like it isn't happening. I face it so that I can learn from it. I choose to grow instead of choosing to remain the same. I own my issues. I own my mistakes.
I own my failure.
I choose to heal and move forward fully knowing that I will fail again, but no longer allowing it to keep me from living the life I was meant to live.
Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me? CLICK HERE!!!
If You Need to Judge Me Then Do What You Must
I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.
If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too...
I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.
If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too.
You don’t know what I’ve been through. You do not understand why I am who I am. You don’t know what my journey has cost me. You don’t know the tears that I’ve cried or the fears that I’ve fought. You don’t understand all the times that I have chosen to grow and I have chosen to learn.
I used to feel so afraid of you and your disapproval.
It used to take my breath away and choke me as if it could kill me. I used to do things for you… so that you would approve of me… so that you would love me.
And then I stopped.
I had to.
I realized that even with the best of trying I couldn’t make you happy. I couldn’t be everything you wanted me to be.
I had to stop running after you and the disappearing vapors of your approval because I realized in the chase for your endorsement I was losing myself.
I believe you want the best for me and you feel you know what that is. Thank you, but it seems that you are incapable of loving me without very specific requirements of who I must be. Thanks for the offer, but I am gonna have to say “no thanks”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “no thanks” to you. I am saying “no thanks” to the burden of your expectations.
I would love for you to be a part of my journey, but I will not base my life choices on the critical words that I hear from you. I will not base my value on your sliding scale of interpretation.
I say that without hate or malice. I mean you no disrespect. I value you, but I can see clearly that you struggle to do the same for me.
So I release you.
I no longer need you to approve of me. I no longer need you to validate my worth.
Why?
Because I have found it for myself.
I know you feel it is your job to measure my performance and my worth, but I assure you, it is not.
I release you from loving me in a way that you are unable to. I will no longer expect you to understand my heart.
I will no longer expect you to trust my intent.
I will move forward with the understanding that at least for now, you are unable to love me without conditions. I will choose to love you right where you are despite your inability to do the same for me.
And that’s ok.
I have grace for you to be where you are. I give you grace not because of who you are, but because of who I am, because of the journey that I have taken…
the very journey that you fail to understand.
-Haley
Changing the world by changing myself. You ready for change? CLICK HERE!!!
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Ruining My Life... One Expectation at a Time
Hopes. Dreams. Expectations. Plans. Goals. Desires.
They are all wonderfully beautiful things... until they aren’t.
There is an art to having expectations. The trick is to find the sweet spot. Right where they push you forward, but don’t hold you back.
I have always been a very positive person and I have never been short on hopes for my future. These hopes turned into plans and then I would then execute those plans. As I did, I expected everything to go exactly according to my very sunny expectations.
Expectations.
Such a simple word with a whole lot of implication.
I realized something interesting about my expectations… well… that they were ruining my life.
Hopes. Dreams. Expectations. Plans. Goals. Desires.
They are all wonderfully beautiful things... until they aren’t.
There is an art to having expectations. The trick is to find the sweet spot. Right where they push you forward, but don’t hold you back.
I have always been a very positive person and I have never been short on hopes for my future. These hopes turned into plans and then I would then execute those plans. As I did, I expected everything to go exactly according to my very sunny expectations.
Expectations.
Such a simple word with a whole lot of implication.
I realized something interesting about my expectations… well… that they were ruining my life.
I guess to be fair it wasn’t actually my expectations that were stealing from me, it was my inability to let go of them. I mean seriously, I would clinch those things in my hands until there was no life left in them at all. I didn’t want to let go.
I would hold on to them like some crazy lunatic who just could not get the message that things were not going to play out like she thought.
My expectations have affected every part of my life, but have probably affected my relationship with Carter the most. They almost functioned as a third person in our relationship.
I let my expectations call the shots far too often. I would ruin an entire experience because it went differently than I expected it to. It was so stinkin’ silly.
When things didn’t fall in line, I was not ok with it. I felt entitled to my expectations. I felt as if I was owed them. I wanted things to go perfectly, but when they didn’t, I couldn’t find a new “perfect”. I would waste so much time thinking about what “should have been”.
I was missing out on so many things because they were turning out different than I expected.
We should expect wonderful things in this life; however, we should not stop moving forward when things happen that are not expected. It isn’t easy, that’s for sure. But I want to be very clear about something that I discovered along the way.
My life was not the problem.
My husband was not the problem.
My problem was my inability to understand that this life is not lived out according to a pre-written script.
This life is organic and alive. This life is full of twists and turns more beautiful and gut-wrenching than anything that we can possibly imagine.
It is not so much our plans that will indicate what kind of life we have, but the ability to adapt to the change of plans that will define our life.
My sweet friends, aim yourself to the moon, but when you find your experiences falling short of what you hoped, don’t forget to enjoy the stars.
(Yes, that just happened. I referenced the "shoot for the moon" saying. Classic.)
Much love and many blessings, Haley
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Ten Things to Know About Manipulators {From a Recovering, Insecure, Manipulative Control Freak}
Many people do not realize that I am a recovering control freak who was born with a natural ability to manipulate people. From the time I was little, I can remember watching people, listening and learning how people reacted to certain things. From parents, to teachers, to friends, I liked to read people and once I did, I learned how to give them what they wanted for one primary reason... so that I could get what I wanted.
Many people do not realize that I am a recovering control freak who was born with a natural ability to manipulate people.
From the time I was little, I can remember watching people, listening, and learning how people reacted to certain things. From parents to teachers, to friends, I liked to read people and once I did, I learned how to give them what they wanted for one primary reason... so that I could get what I wanted.
Being a manipulator means you are aware of how other people function and use it to your advantage.
Here are a few ways to identify a manipulator
(from my experience of being one):
1- Manipulators are "givers".
It is important to understand that a manipulative person is often a very giving person. Particularly in the beginning of a relationship. However, manipulators are very wise and thoughtful about what they give to others.
I don't mean only material gifts, although that certainly can be a way to manipulate. I mean things like time, attention, flattery and affection. Manipulators do not mind giving. They see it as tool to get what they want from you.
Remember this: They will only give you what you want as long as it doesn't compromise their primary goal... what they want.
2- Manipulators are selfish.
How can I make the blanket statement that ALL manipulators are selfish? Well, through the years, I have learned that manipulating someone I "love" without explaining to them what I am doing is not love.
When I choose to manipulate someone, I do so for only one person.
Myself.
Remember this: You will often hear manipulative people talk about how much they care about other people.
3- Manipulators distance themselves from other manipulators.
Manipulative people will surround themselves with non-manipulative people. To be around other manipulators runs the risk of a power struggle and manipulators do not like to struggle for their power.
Remember this: Manipulators like to feel in control. They do NOT like it if someone else tries to manipulate them but hate it, even more, when someone tries to manipulate someone they felt they had control over.
4- Manipulators learn how to isolate people from one another.
If you begin a relationship with a manipulative person and they realize someone in your life who is not supportive of them, they will begin to cause tension between you and that person.
They will do this strategically. They will plant small seeds of frustration so that you believe it is actually your idea to distance yourself.
Remember this: They will often use ideas of "you deserve better". Of course, what they mean is that they are "better".
5- Manipulative people often present themselves as being "go with the flow" type people.
They will often say things like "I am really easygoing" or "I don't care". Manipulators use this tactic to keep targets off of their backs.
If a manipulator presents themselves as being easygoing, then it becomes very difficult for people to blame them for manipulation.
A "go with the flow" type of person doesn't care enough to try to control someone else. Right??
Remember this: Manipulative people can say they are laid back; however, manipulators have a very difficult time controlling themselves if their control begins to be challenged. Watch out for this.
6- Manipulators are always insecure.
This may seem like a reach, but let me tell you. It is true. The need to manipulate and the need to control people and circumstances comes from fear. They fear that if they aren't in control, then something may happen to them that they aren't prepared for.
Remember this: The control gives them a false sense of security; however, it should never take controlling another person to make a person feel secure.
7- Manipulators are master presenters.
The best skill that a manipulator has is their presentation. A great manipulator has learned the *art* of presenting what they want people to know in a very specific manner.
Nothing is said without thought.
It is all part of the "presentation". Manipulators are very careful to not let people see ugly parts of themselves.
Remember this: No one can be in *presenter* mode forever. The closer you get to a manipulator the more you will feel you need to be a part of the *show* that they present. You will find yourself defending them and even describing them in ways that aren't reality.
8- Manipulators are afraid to be alone.
No one wants to be alone or rejected. Manipulators use their *gift* to ensure that they won't be. They will use their presentation skills to appear perfect so that people will love them.
A manipulator will always have a response when someone rejects them. There most certainly will be a level of retaliation. They will use their skill to show others why that person is not worthy of love.
Remember this: When distancing yourself from a controlling relationship, be sure that you do so wisely and in a way that does not put you in harm. Reach out for help and support.
9- Manipulators Often seem very supportive of your choices. (But there is a catch.)
Surprisingly, one of the most common ways that manipulators manipulate is to convince people that a choice was their choice all along.
A manipulator *masters* the ability to make decisions for other people before the other person even realizes there was a choice.
Manipulators can be some of the most supportive friends in the world... as long as you choose what they want you to choose.
A manipulator struggles when they feel out of control; even a simple change of course that they didn't see coming can cause them stress.
Remember this: In a healthy relationship a true friend will support you to make your own choices. Even if they disagree with you, they should not try to control you..
10- The one thing that will GET a person to stop MANIPULATING
There is one thing and one thing only that can stop a person from manipulating other people.
They have to decide for THEMSELVES to stop.
No amount of vulnerability, begging, hoping, pleading can get a person to live an honest life. The only person who can choose to do so is them. It is hard to live an open and honest life and it is beyond scary to live vulnerably. Many people will never choose to do so. Many will forever use the buffer of presentation to protect themselves from rejection.
And then, of course, there are those people who love the game of it all. They are not interested in experiencing real love, they just want control.
Remember this: Unfortunately, a manipulator has to be ready to do this for themselves.
So what made me realize that manipulation was not how I wanted to live?
Simple.
I experienced love.
Real love.
With honesty, vulnerability, kindness, care, and respect. I slowly realized how incapable of love I was. I had used manipulation on some level in almost every relationship that I had. I began to take the journey of learning how to have healthy relationships. Relationships where I respect others’ right to make choices for themselves and I trust my friends enough to be honest about who I am.
I had to come face to face with the shame of my imperfections.
I chose to embrace that other people’s choices were (or at least should be) out of my control, and I had to learn to confront the fear that people I love may leave me if/when I fail.
I had to learn to accept the broken, insecure, vulnerable, amazing person that I am.
Letting go of my skill to manipulate is maybe one of the proudest things I have done in my life. It has opened up my life to experiencing the kind of love that I have always longed for and always hoped to find.
I can be me.
But most importantly I can support you to be you.
With no strings attached.
Much love and many blessings.
-Haley
Living the Dream, One Nightmare at a Time
Isn't crazy how life can turn out so different than we expect it to? I have found that even things go how I wanted them to go, the journey often looks quite different than I expected it to. Today on my blog I share a bit of how the very life that has brought to life our dreams, is the very life that has brought forth our nightmares. Enjoy...
If you would’ve asked me when we got married what our lives would look like in a decade I would’ve said something like this…
I saw Carter and I married with a handful of kiddos, both through pregnancy and adoption.
We would be living outside of a small town, with a bit of land and owning a pet or two.
We would have travelled the world.
I would be staying at home with my kids, possibly working a day or two outside the home. I thought Carter would be working in the finance world and I hoped that he would enjoy his job.
Of course, I planned on being more in love with my husband than ever.
You want to hear something crazy?
Every single one of the things that I hoped for my life is my reality.
However...
Even though so many wonderful things have happened, I can honestly say that in the past decade there have been so many things that I did not expect to be part of our journey.
I never expected to come home one day and find that someone had broken into our home. Stealing several thousands of dollars’ worth of memories.
I never expected to wake up one morning and realize my house was quickly becoming an island. We had minutes to get out of our house. One car already totaled from the water.
I never expected our house to catch on fire.
I never realized how many days would be dedicated to the broken appliances and a car that needs to go to the shop.
I never anticipated our dog getting hit by the car and the kitties running away.
I never expected Carter to lose his job after the recession hit.
I sure never saw the friendships that would be no longer.
I never expected to take it so brutally hard when we had our failed adoption.
I didn’t expect the whole parenting thing to be so challenging. I never expected so many tears to come with it, both from my children and myself.
I didn’t realize how many different seasons you experience as a married couple. The moments where you look into each other’s eyes and question one another’s actions, intentions or love. I never thought that I would have days where I really questioned the whole gig.
I never realized that there would not just be hard days… but there would be hard years.
You see, when I looked ahead at my life I saw all the moments of the mountaintops. I didn’t see the valleys.
I saw all of my dreams coming true… but I never realized that the same life that would make my dreams come true would be the very life that brought forth my nightmares.
My friends, life is both extremely wonderful and extremely difficult. We have moments on the mountaintops and moments on the valleys. I don’t think we need to fear the valleys, but I do think we need to understand that they will be part of our journey to the top.
If you find yourself in a valley today. Keep your head up. Try to find beauty right where you are. Where you are today, is not where you will always be, but where you are today is part of the journey to where you are going.
And that my friend, is a beautiful thing.
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I Betrayed Her... Now What?
I have a handful of moments that have shaped me as a person. This being one. I sat on my couch feeling quite defenseless and humble. I will never forget the moment that I was sitting in front of her.
I knew what I had to do.
I had to ask for forgiveness.
Why?
Because I had betrayed her.
What do you do when you fail someone that you love?
I could not turn back time.
I could not make it right.
I could not justify my actions or explain my failure.
It was what it was.
Betrayal.
I have a handful of moments that have shaped me as a person. This being one. I sat on my couch feeling quite defenseless and humble. I will never forget the moment that I was sitting in front of her.
I knew what I had to do.
I had to ask for forgiveness.
Why?
Because I had betrayed her.
My friend. That I loved.
I listened first. I agreed with everything she said. What had happened was wrong. To be honest, it was one of the only times of my life I had no justification and no explanation. No defense.
As she relived her experience it was as if her pain lived inside of each word.
I could feel her heartache within me.
And here I was.
Going to ask her for something.
Forgiveness.
It is a humbling experience to look someone in the eye and seek forgiveness. There was no reason that it should be given and no reason that it would be.
I hated that we were here, I wished that I could travel back into time and change what had happened, but I couldn’t. There was nothing left to do, but to seek mercy. This was not a mercy I had earned. No actions or words could take away the hurt.
As I listened, I understood the crossroads that we were at. She would decide if there would ever be an “us” again. The ball was in her court.
She had to decide if I was worth the risk.
I listened to her. She listened to me.
And through great sorrow, she said the words...
“I forgive you.”
She looked me in the eye and told me that she loved me. She was willing to offer me her love even though I had failed her. Even now, as I recall this experience I feel moved to tears.
This moment changed me forever.
It quite literally changed who I was.
She gave me permission to move forward. Not without regret, but with mercy. Past the choice I had made and into growing from who I was into who I wanted to be.
I will always feel a certain amount of debt towards her. She gave me mercy that I am not sure I would have been able to offer myself without her permission.
The pain I caused her will forever be on my list of things I regret in my life.
I know my words of repentance did not nearly carry the power that her words of forgiveness carried. I understood that her choosing those words came at a high price for her. It cost her to release me from what I deserved.
The choice she made did not end that day. Her choice caused a ripple through my life.
Relationships can suck because people fail us and people betray us, but I want to suggest that it is in these moments that we are given the opportunity to change the world.
because I was forgiven.
And it changed my world.
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A Few Words for the Girl In that White Dress
Get ready for your adventure to begin. You are beginning a long voyage and there is no way to prepare you for what lies ahead. Your life may turn out to be everything you expect or nothing that you predict, or perhaps it will be both, all rolled up into one glorious experience...
Get ready for your adventure to begin. You are beginning a long voyage and there is no way to prepare you for what lies ahead. Your life may turn out to be everything you expect or nothing that you predict, or perhaps it will be both, all rolled up into one glorious experience.
I would like to encourage you to let go of some of your expectations. You are predicting a fairy tale when your life will feel more like a rollercoaster.
You will have tough times ahead. It's ok. Every marriage does. Hold your head up. You are strong enough to do this.
Stop thinking you will do this perfect. You can’t. You will fail. It’s ok. Take a breath. Failure is full of opportunity if you let it unfold. Don’t hate your failure. Hate your fear.
Don’t listen to those who come only to tear you down, including those thoughts inside of yourself. They come only to keep you intimidated from unlocking your full potential.
People will look at you and judge how you live. Let them look. Let them judge. But don’t perform for them. Don’t try to be anything. Just be you.
You will doubt yourself but don’t for long.
Press on and don’t stop. Ever.
Stop looking around for other people to tell you that you are worthy. Stop it! You are worthy. It is not your husbands’, friends’, families’, or anyone else’s job to give you worth. You must find it yourself and own it. No one else can give it to you.
You are a wife now, you are not a trophy. You were not meant to be put on a shelf or in a box. You only need to be you. You are enough.
Remember to never compare your life to those around you. Your life will never look like “their” life. Ever. You can’t be them. You suck at being them. (Just trust me on this.) You, be you. It is the only person you can rock. So rock it.
Your life can be every bit of adventure that you predict; however, your adventure will be lived through the years of time. Your days may feel long, but your years will fly by.
Marriage is often entered with the thoughts of companionship, but there are days that marriage can feel very isolating. Don’t stay in isolation for long. Life must be lived with others. Don’t allow yourself to stay in seclusion. Reach out. Please. Seek support.
Be resolute in not living a life full of secrets. It is not worth it.
Marriage can feel beautiful, wonderful, exhausting, difficult, horrible, exciting and can be the absolute best experience in this life. If possible, don't give up.
I pray that your husband is a kind, respectful, honest partner for you to live beside. However, no matter who he chooses to be. Remember not to lose yourself in your partnership. Never allow yourself to disappear. You are essential to this world.
We need you to be you.
Much love and many blessings, Haley
Shame Is the Name of the Game
Have you ever been overwhelmed with shame? Have you ever felt shame for a choice or a mistake that you made? Maybe you have felt shame for not being the same as someone else? Or felt ashamed for being “you”? Have you ever felt like you aren't enough?...
Have you ever been overwhelmed with shame? Have you ever felt shame for a choice or a mistake that you made? Maybe you have felt shame for not being the same as someone else? Or felt ashamed for being “you”? Have you ever felt like you aren't enough?
Shame is interesting. When we are shaming someone else, we feel superior. We feel that we are better than them because “we would never do that” or “say that” or “be that”. When we experience shame within ourselves, it makes us feel inferior. “How can I struggle with this?” or “Why did I say that?” or “Why did I do that?”
Shame is woven into our culture. It is used in our marriages, friendships, parenting, religion, politics, workplaces… It is everywhere. I am particularly talking about how we use it to dishonor and disgrace people.
Shame has a strange way of connecting people together. Many people and cultures embrace the idea of shaming others. They value shame. Entire movements have been fueled by it. People love to join together and shame others for their choices.
Shame is one of the loudest voices in the world right now.
Why?
Because it works.
Shame is often used to manipulate people. It keeps people “in line” and is powerful enough to control behavior. When someone uses shame on us, it connects us to our deepest fear of being rejected.
“If I am not good enough, they will leave me.”
“If I don’t measure up, they will not love me.”
Shame is a mighty force, but shame can’t possibly compare to the power of love. Love gives grace and mercy to accept us in our current condition.
Love gives us security.
“I love you just as you are.”
Shame gives us a threat.
“If you don’t measure up, I will leave you.”
Shame is powerful, but let me warn you, it only has the power to put people in shackles. Shame loves to keep people enslaved with guilt. It keeps us afraid and confined. I wonder how many of us have been too afraid to be honest about our internal struggles because we are unsure if we will be loved once we are.
Shame keeps us in bondage.
Love gives us freedom.
Even if we decide we don’t want to live a life of shame, other people will try to give it to us. Some people don’t want to live without it. We cannot control the choices they make, but we can control the ones we make.
We must stop allowing shame to dictate our lives.
I have yet to meet a person who has arrived to the destination of “Perfection”. We must stop believing that we only have value if we are perfect. We must find a way to love the fact that we are a work in progress. Our value must not come from our degree of perfection, but from the fact that we are a human being.
It is vital that we get rid of the sliding scale that we use to measure people’s worth… including our own.
We are all on a journey, and this journey should not be treated with shame, but with appreciation. We should be grateful for the continual opportunity to learn, grow and become even more beautiful than we were yesterday.
We must not let the shame of who we have been keep us from the glory of who we are becoming.
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My Husband Is Not the Enemy
In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them...
In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them.
“Marriage is hard,” they said and “it takes a lot of work”.
Ok?
That seemed fairly straightforward.
Before I was married and someone told me this, I thought of marriage as a challenge. The odds were against us, but if we just stayed focused and worked hard, we would win.
Marriage is hard, yes, but I don’t think “hard” is the best description of marriage.
I think a better word for marriage is confusing.
Sure, during the difficult days, it can be hard to do the right thing. But, more often than that, I think the hard thing is figuring out what is the "right thing".
Do I stand up for myself? Do I need to let this go? Do I just lie and say that I am fine? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Am I over-reacting? Am I under-reacting? Is this normal? Do all spouses feel like this? Are we the only marriage going through this?
It can all be very unclear.
When we said our vows, we pledged to be on one another’s team, always and forever. It seemed so simple. I knew the world would bring difficulties, but I never thought I would question if Carter was for me or against me. We vowed to fight this fight together, but I didn’t anticipate how natural it would be to end up on opposite sides of the ring.
During difficult times, it is so easy to feel hurt and let down when our partner hasn’t stepped up in ways that we hoped they would. We thought they would be there to support us, protect us and care for us, but they weren’t. Most surprising, are the times when our spouse has not only disappointed us, but they have been the one’s to deliver the painful punch to our gut.
When we feel hurt by one another, it is natural to go on the defensive and start jabbing at one another. We know we shouldn’t, but it is easy not to care. We want to win and we want them to pay for hurting us. When we fight against one another, we both end up bloody and defeated. No one wins.
I wish someone would’ve told me that there would be moments that I wasn’t sure if Carter was for me or against me.
I wish someone would’ve told me that I would feel confused in my marriage.
I wish someone would’ve told me that I would doubt him and at times, I would doubt “us”.
There are an unlimited amount of things in this life that cause stress in a marriage, but I am convinced that nothing has the ability to tear us apart unless we begin to view one another as the enemy. If we want to make it through life with our marriage intact, the greatest challenge and utmost priority is to continually choose to be on one another’s team.
Marriage isn’t just about experiencing love. Marriage is about experiencing life and experiencing it all with a partner by your side. Carter is my person. He is the one I chose almost fifteen years ago and have continued to do so repeatedly.
So yes, marriage is hard, but the hardest part of marriage is how exhausting it can feel to make the same choice over and over…the choice to choose one another.
Some days that choice is easy, and some days that choice is hard, but every day that choice is worth it.
I Wasn't Lucky to Fall in Love
I love Carter more today than ever before, this is our fifteenth Valentine’s Day together and I still get excited to spend it with him. Our life together has been an adventure. We have traveled the world, had three children and are planning more, we laugh often, value one another, we have accomplished many of our dreams and have many more on the list! Life together is exciting.
People sometimes say how lucky we are to have such a great relationship. In one sense I understand that they are saying we are fortunate and blessed (which we are), but luck has nothing to do with the relationship that we have...
I love Carter more today than ever before, this is our fifteenth Valentine’s Day together and I still get excited to spend it with him. Our life together has been an adventure. We have traveled the world, had three children and are planning more, we laugh often, value one another, we have accomplished many of our dreams and have many more on the list! Life together is exciting.
People sometimes say how lucky we are to have such a great relationship. In one sense I understand that they are saying we are fortunate and blessed (which we are), but luck has nothing to do with the relationship that we have.
Carter asked me to be his girlfriend at fourteen, FOURTEEN!
We dated all through high school, we got serious and began to make choices to invest in our relationship. We missed out on a lot of things in high school because of our relationship. We got married at nineteen. I shouldn’t have to tell anyone that getting married at nineteen comes with a lot of sacrifices. I worked full time, so that Carter could finish his Accounting degree, which he did. Most days we were doing boring, married things while our friends were living it up at their universities. After graduating, Carter had a very stressful job which was a difficult time for us both. Five years after we got married we started having children, which was wonderful, but also required us to work harder on keeping our relationship connected. Later, we decided it would be a good time for him to take his CPA, which meant me handling the home more on my own as he studied and took tests over several months.
For the majority of moments in our relationship we do feel love for one another. Most moments are peaceful and joyous, but we also have moments where we feel anger, heartbreak, disappointment, betrayal, annoyance, inadequacy, frustration or a hundred other feelings that don’t feel like love.
The problem with believing that love is a feeling is that you will think that love has left you when the feeling leaves you.
Love isn’t a feeling. Love is a choice.
The last fifteen years have been filled with both of us sacrificing for and investing in one another. Fifteen years… and you know what? I see no end in sight. We will never come to a place that our relationship doesn’t take effort and focus. Ever.
Tomorrow if I wake up and decide to stop investing in us, there probably wouldn’t be an “us” by next Valentine’s Day.
We must get it out of our head that perfection is on the other side of marriage. Perfection is not on the other side of marriage, but investment is.
Finding love is great, but finding love doesn’t equal staying in love.
Long lasting love is not found.
it is learned
and it is chosen, over and over.
Carter and I have had a lot of great, easy and fun times in our life together, but when I look back at our journey, some of the most precious moments are the ones that weren’t the most enjoyable. I am most proud of the moments that we have looked into one another’s eyes and worked through a disagreement. I value the times that we have swallowed our pride and chosen to prioritize the other. I cherish the times we have discussed our greatest fears or our greatest regrets. I treasure the times that we have chose to listen, even when it hurts and we have forgiven, even when we didn’t want to.
Don’t believe the lie that you fall under the spell of love.
love isn’t a magical force, it is a deliberate choice.