How to Deal with Angry People

I used to think people were pretty simple. I thought we all wanted to get along and be happy, but sometimes life simply got in the way. As I have gotten older, I realize that may be true for me, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Not everyone feels the need to live peacefully.

I am now convinced, some people actually enjoy creating chaos particularly during times they feel chaos inside of themselves.

Some people crave the tension.

They relish the push back.

They enjoy the storm.

They aren’t scared for things to get messy.

Yelling can be fun.

Screaming, no problem.

They are great at making sense of their arguments and justifying everything they do or say… no matter how absurd. You might even find them switch sides or topics in the middle of an argument which can become quite confusing to engage with.

That is because the topic at hand is not the point.

The conflict is.

There is a sense of comfort found for them in the storm.

Even though they may look out of control, they feel powerful during these moments of chaos. It feels calming when the situations and people around them match the turmoil they feel within themselves.

If you are in relationship with someone who has anger issues, they will try to start fights with you when they are feeling stressed. If they can get you to explode, it validates they are not the only ones who can’t control themselves. If you choose not to, this will no doubt make them angry perhaps even angrier than if you engage.

Many people with anger issues have the ability to get over an argument quickly and expect others to as well.

They don’t understand why people hold on to the things that were said in anger because they no longer feel the tension within themselves.

They feel better after they explode, no matter the destruction that is left behind.

They find injustice in many places, including work, friends, and family and you will be expected to agree with them.

They want you to validate their experiences, their perceptions, their emotions, and ultimately their anger. They believe how they feel is very important, so if you do not support them in their feelings they will not feel loved and you will quickly find yourself as a target.

They don’t enjoy being viewed as a victim because that makes them feel weak. However, much of their mindset is based upon the belief they are often mistreated. After an argument, they will commonly convince people to feel sorry for them.

People do not choose behavior repeatedly unless it works for them on some level.

When someone has embraced anger as an outlet they essentially use it as a release to cope with frustrations in life.

If you have someone in your life that has anger tendencies, you cannot change them. You cannot talk them out of their anger or “manage” their emotions for them. You need to understand that ultimately, they are the only one who can change how they handle the chaos inside of themselves.

They get to make their choices. Just like you get to make yours.

Anyone can change.

Anyone can grow.

Anyone can heal.

But it is important to remember, the only people changing, growing, or healing, are the people acknowledging they need to.

Blessings,

Haley

Our Intentions Matter... A Lot

Have you ever done the right thing for the wrong reason?

I have.

Growing up, I was taught that my intentions were just as important, if not more, than my actions.  However, I did not fully embrace this teaching.

It was easy for me to convince people, including myself, that my motivations in life were pure. However, my intentions were often fueled by more than I was willing to admit.

I was filled with the need to prove something to the world, but ultimately, I wanted to prove something to myself.

I was scared. I was scared of making a mistake. I was scared of failure. I was scared of rejection. I was scared of losing control. And to top it all off, I was ashamed of all of these things.

I felt like I should be more than I was.

And I was afraid that someone would find out.

It was not natural for me to question my own intentions. That is until one day, I decided to walk away from the façade and reconcile my internal motivations with the outward perception I had created.

The last several years, I have been on a journey to purify my intentions. I now live in a constant place of evaluating my motivations daily.

Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I saying what I am saying?Am I feeling ashamed? Am I feeling hurt? Am I being dishonest? Am I being hurtful?

Am I looking for people to accept me? Am I looking for someone to validate my worth? Am I looking for people to approve of my choices?

Am I afraid of possible conflict? Am I afraid I may disappoint someone?

I am no longer trying to prove anything, but trying to understand myself.

I am dedicated to understanding who I am and what motivates me in this life. 

The reason why we do the things we do is of utmost importance. Our intentions are the very thing that is fueling our choices. What would happen if we were all honest about our intentions?

Perhaps we should start with being honest with ourselves.

Our why matters. It matters a lot.

Are we being fueled by jealousy, insecurity, fear, anger, hate, comparison, or shame? What is our motivation? What is our intent?

Doing good things in this life is wonderful, but better than doing good things is doing them for the right reason. If we want to truly find freedom, we will have to come face to face with our real intentions.

 It is our responsibility to own our intentions.

No one can choose this journey for us. We have to demand ourselves to be honest with who we are, motivations and all. Not to feel ashamed, but to grow.

Whether we want to change them or not, we must face our intentions and own them. Make no mistake about it, if we do not own them, they will, in fact, own us.

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Learning to Be a Bully

I have been working on my ability to be a bully. I know what you are thinking, “Haley, it is not good to be a bully.” And for the most part, I agree with you.

I don’t believe in bullying people. Ever. I don’t believe in demeaning people and I believe that all people deserve to be valued.

However, this is an exception to that rule. In my opinion, this guy is the biggest bully I know and he deserves to be bullied in return.

In fact, he has probably tried to bully you too.

Do you know him?

His name is Fear.

To be honest, we weren’t always enemies. There was a time in my life that I actually thought we were friends. I trusted him to help guide me in my life. He would tell me what I should and shouldn’t do and I would obey. 

I thought he was protecting me.

I thought he was watching out for me and my best interest. I heard his concerns and I obeyed his commands. He ruled me.

Fear was the god of my life that I never realized I had.

I thought we were partners making decisions together until I recognized that I was never allowed to disagree with him. It was always his way or the highway.

The partnership I thought we had was actually a dictatorship.

He controlled me and he began to turn me into someone I never wanted to be. My life began to feel like it was slipping from my fingers. I was losing myself.

I had to take a stand.

So I did.

I put him in his place and told him how I felt. I wasn’t going to take his crap anymore. When I started walking away, he got mean. He began to taunt me and tell me that I wouldn’t make it without him.

He began to bully me.

How could I have ever thought this jerk was my friend?

He was not my friend.

As I continued to defy him, I was able to see his true intentions. All this time, I thought he was holding me back from death and he was actually holding me back from life.

His intentions were to take everything from me without me even knowing he had.

I was done with his manipulation. However, it wasn’t that simple. I was unable to get his voice completely out of my life, so I had to learn how to make choices for my life without considering his input.

To this day, when he tries to invite himself back into my life, I put him right back where he belongs.

In the corner. Out of my way.

We have a mutual understanding. He taunts me and I taunt him right back. He belittles me and I belittle him. We bully one another, yet I have learned that I hold all of the cards.

Every time he attempts to interfere with my plans, I look him in the eye and remind him that he resides in the corner of my life.

He is allowed to talk, but only because I haven’t quite figured out how to muzzle him yet.

To tell you the truth, I don’t even mind him in the corner so much. I like to look him in the face, tell him what I am going to do and then make him watch.

Fear is no longer my dictator, but he is merely a spectator to all of my awesomeness.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Want to join? Sign-up through email! CLICK HERE!!! 

Embracing My Brokenness

In my life, I was the person with the answers not the person with the problems. Don’t get me wrong, of course, I had problems, BUT I chose to avoid them if at all possible.

I hated moments of conflict, failure, and misunderstandings because those experiences had a way of highlighting my need for growth.

I trained in Jedi maneuvers to ensure that nothing ever came back and pinpointed to my brokenness. I was a master at making sure that you or they were always pinned with the “issues”.

Not me. I knew too much. I was too advanced for issues. Issues were for common folk.

The girl with the answers can’t be broken.

Right?

Except I was.

I was broken, but I didn’t know how to be.

Does that even make sense?? I don’t care if it does or not. That’s how I lived.

I wanted to be perfect.

It wasn’t about being better than you. It wasn’t about you at all. I didn’t want you to fail, but I would rather you fail than me. Not because I didn’t love you, but because so much of my life was centered on avoiding my need for improvement.

I did not know how to accept the things within myself that were not beautiful. I hated my jealousy. I avoided my insecurity. I resented my anxiety.

I did not enjoy feeling weak and to me, my brokenness made me feel very weak.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I acted like my brokenness didn’t exist. I created a LaLa Land that said that no matter what I felt I would just be *strong*.

Don’t be a broken person. Ever.

Somewhere along the way, I felt it was part of my identity to not be broken.

I see now that this was a major problem.  I was missing the point the whole time. Ignoring my brokenness was keeping me stuck. 

My brokenness is just as much a part of me as my strengths. My brokenness is part of my story.  It deserves to be understood.

All the time I prided myself in not needing to change, I was really robbing myself from my potential.

It has been the process of embracing my brokenness that has taught me my strength. I have faced who I am. The good. The bad. The ugly.

I finally know myself. 

I know that I am beautiful... a beautiful work in progress. 

So much better to be a work in progress than the girl who isn’t making any progress at all. 

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

My Major Misunderstanding of Love

I used to think that the words “relationship” and “love” could be defined as the same, but they are not the same at all. Understanding the difference between having a relationship and experiencing love has been life altering for me. 

Relationships are a mutual choice between two people to experience life together.

Love is the choice of one person to value another.

Relationships must be experienced by two.

Love is given by one.

I used to be a person of very conditional love. It was common for me to lower people’s value based on my perception of them and their choices. 

Which is quite interesting considering I have spent my entire life dedicated to a faith based on love.

For the past decade, I have been growing my capacity to love and I am quite pleased to say that I am now able to offer love to even the most frustrating of persons.

My ultimate goal?

Unconditional love.  

I have been through a lot with people through the years and I get it.

People suck.

They do.

People lie. People cheat. People steal. People can’t be trusted. People hurt us. People betray us.

I’m not here to tell you otherwise.

I’ve been there. Heck, I’m there today.

I get it.

But I am all in.

 I have two feet planted deep into the battle to love and I have the scars to prove it.

I am talking about loving bigger than feelings and experiencing something deeper than mere pleasantries.

I am talking about living in the trenches and fighting for a cause that I believe in.

I am talking about choosing to value those who have disappointed me, respecting those who disagree with me, blessing those who curse me, forgiving those who have betrayed me, and loving those people who have rejected me.

My decision to love has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. However, it is that very decision that has caused me the most pain and disappointment in my life. 

But no matter the cost, I will love. Period.

I love because I have been given love and it has changed my life.

Does that mean I have the same relationship with everyone? Absolutely not. Relationships require mutual admiration and respect. Love does not.

Despite popular belief, my ability or inability to value someone does not define them... but it does define me.

I now understand that love is not an easy way out.
Love is my only way free.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

Dear 2016, You Were Rough.

Dear 2016, you were rough.

There is no way I could have predicted everything that you brought to my life. I’m not going to lie, you kind of exhausted me. In many ways I feel like you were a year filled with the time of ten years. I can hardly believe everything that I experienced in your mere twelve months of time.

You are a year that tested me in a unique way. You were filled with both exquisite gain and surprising loss. You brought with you moments of abundant laughter and deep sorrow. You brought many challenges that I didn’t expect. I didn’t enjoy those, but of course, it is in our most challenging days that we are given the greatest opportunity to learn and to grow.

I owe you a debt of gratitude. For who I am today is not who I was before you came to me.

You took a great deal from me, but you also gave me some things of immeasurable value. You have given me a new appreciation for my life and those whom I love. Actually, you have given me a great appreciation for everything in my life.

You reminded me just how silly it is to be attached to “things” and how vital it is to value the people I have in my life.

I have learned in the deepest part of me to stop waiting for tomorrow to live.

You offered me many moments to show people grace, forgiveness and love.  

You brought with you opportunities to be blessed in ways that I never expected to need a blessing.

You have taught me that even with the hardest work and effort, things sometimes just don’t work out.

You once again reminded me that life is not fair, and it is silly to focus on what is “fair” anyways.

You have shown me that joy truly does come in the morning; however, you also reminded me that the night can be long and very dark.

You gave me many opportunities to choose things that I didn’t feel but I believe to be true. You gave me opportunity to choose faith over doubt, hope over despair, and love over hate.

When I think back on you, I will look back at you with appreciation. You will always be a defining year of my life. You gave me many opportunities to determine who I really want to be in my life.

I am proud of the steps I have taken. I have walked many new places and tried many new things. I took risks. I didn’t “play it safe”. You gave me those chances, thank-you.

At times, I was not sure if you were my enemy or my friend, but you gave me the opportunity to live. Can I ever repay you for that?

So, 2016, I thank you. I am thankful for you, but it is time for you to go. It is now time to look forward to a new day.

Good-bye my friend,

Haley.

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