How to Deal with Angry People
I used to think people were pretty simple. I thought we all wanted to get along and be happy, but sometimes life simply got in the way. As I have gotten older, I realize that may be true for me, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.
Not everyone feels the need to live peacefully.
I am now convinced, some people actually enjoy creating chaos particularly during times they feel chaos inside of themselves.
Some people crave the tension.
They relish the push back.
They enjoy the storm.
They aren’t scared for things to get messy.
Yelling can be fun.
Screaming, no problem.
They are great at making sense of their arguments and justifying everything they do or say… no matter how absurd. You might even find them switch sides or topics in the middle of an argument which can become quite confusing to engage with.
That is because the topic at hand is not the point.
The conflict is.
There is a sense of comfort found for them in the storm.
Even though they may look out of control, they feel powerful during these moments of chaos. It feels calming when the situations and people around them match the turmoil they feel within themselves.
If you are in relationship with someone who has anger issues, they will try to start fights with you when they are feeling stressed. If they can get you to explode, it validates they are not the only ones who can’t control themselves. If you choose not to, this will no doubt make them angry perhaps even angrier than if you engage.
Many people with anger issues have the ability to get over an argument quickly and expect others to as well.
They don’t understand why people hold on to the things that were said in anger because they no longer feel the tension within themselves.
They feel better after they explode, no matter the destruction that is left behind.
They find injustice in many places, including work, friends, and family and you will be expected to agree with them.
They want you to validate their experiences, their perceptions, their emotions, and ultimately their anger. They believe how they feel is very important, so if you do not support them in their feelings they will not feel loved and you will quickly find yourself as a target.
They don’t enjoy being viewed as a victim because that makes them feel weak. However, much of their mindset is based upon the belief they are often mistreated. After an argument, they will commonly convince people to feel sorry for them.
People do not choose behavior repeatedly unless it works for them on some level.
When someone has embraced anger as an outlet they essentially use it as a release to cope with frustrations in life.
If you have someone in your life that has anger tendencies, you cannot change them. You cannot talk them out of their anger or “manage” their emotions for them. You need to understand that ultimately, they are the only one who can change how they handle the chaos inside of themselves.