How to Deal with Angry People

I used to think people were pretty simple. I thought we all wanted to get along and be happy, but sometimes life simply got in the way. As I have gotten older, I realize that may be true for me, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Not everyone feels the need to live peacefully.

I am now convinced, some people actually enjoy creating chaos particularly during times they feel chaos inside of themselves.

Some people crave the tension.

They relish the push back.

They enjoy the storm.

They aren’t scared for things to get messy.

Yelling can be fun.

Screaming, no problem.

They are great at making sense of their arguments and justifying everything they do or say… no matter how absurd. You might even find them switch sides or topics in the middle of an argument which can become quite confusing to engage with.

That is because the topic at hand is not the point.

The conflict is.

There is a sense of comfort found for them in the storm.

Even though they may look out of control, they feel powerful during these moments of chaos. It feels calming when the situations and people around them match the turmoil they feel within themselves.

If you are in relationship with someone who has anger issues, they will try to start fights with you when they are feeling stressed. If they can get you to explode, it validates they are not the only ones who can’t control themselves. If you choose not to, this will no doubt make them angry perhaps even angrier than if you engage.

Many people with anger issues have the ability to get over an argument quickly and expect others to as well.

They don’t understand why people hold on to the things that were said in anger because they no longer feel the tension within themselves.

They feel better after they explode, no matter the destruction that is left behind.

They find injustice in many places, including work, friends, and family and you will be expected to agree with them.

They want you to validate their experiences, their perceptions, their emotions, and ultimately their anger. They believe how they feel is very important, so if you do not support them in their feelings they will not feel loved and you will quickly find yourself as a target.

They don’t enjoy being viewed as a victim because that makes them feel weak. However, much of their mindset is based upon the belief they are often mistreated. After an argument, they will commonly convince people to feel sorry for them.

People do not choose behavior repeatedly unless it works for them on some level.

When someone has embraced anger as an outlet they essentially use it as a release to cope with frustrations in life.

If you have someone in your life that has anger tendencies, you cannot change them. You cannot talk them out of their anger or “manage” their emotions for them. You need to understand that ultimately, they are the only one who can change how they handle the chaos inside of themselves.

They get to make their choices. Just like you get to make yours.

Anyone can change.

Anyone can grow.

Anyone can heal.

But it is important to remember, the only people changing, growing, or healing, are the people acknowledging they need to.

Blessings,

Haley

The Place Where Healing Resides

Healing has been a theme of my life for many years now. I have learned so much about the process and the journey it truly takes to experience freedom in our life.

I am now convinced we miss out on so many moments to heal because we don't understand the cost and uncomfortable experience healing entails.

We have embraced the lie that healing looks like reading a good book or making a new habit.

That's not true. Those things are great and they can certainly lead to growth, but healing itself consists of facing our brokenness and finding the courage to own it as our responsibility.

Healing occurs when we start recognizing and owning our imperfections.

It involves us going into the darkest parts of ourselves with a small light and seeking answers to why we react the way we do, why we feel what we feel, and believe what we believe. It means no longer taking the “free pass” of blaming our frustrations, anger, bitterness, fear, and other emotions on everyone else.

As much as I hate to say this, the key to our healing is actually found in our failures, brokenness, and shortcomings. Which, unfortunately, most of us spend our lives trying to avoid.

We believe it is important not to make mistakes, so we spend more time trying to prove we don’t make them at all than learning why we do.

We all fall short. We all fail. We all get it wrong sometimes.

All of us.

Don't avoid your failure. Face it. Seek to understand who you are... Really.

And when you do find yourself in a situation of failure try this instead...

Let it Simmer.

Accept the failure.

Do not run from it. Don't act on your emotions. Do not pretend it isn't happening.

Be still.

See it. Own it.

Acknowledge your vulnerability. Share your failure with someone in your life.

Choose to find worth in yourself even though you failed, not despite it.

Embrace the process.

Choose to trust.

Seek truth, not validation. Seek to understand why you did what you did and why it seemed like the best choice at the time.

This is not about proving you didn't fail. This is about understanding why you did and understanding that it’s ok.

You are not perfect and you will never be.

Rest in grace.

This experience feels bad, but it is not bad. It is uncomfortable and necessary.

This is the place healing resides.

This is where you find redemption.

Don't run from this. Rest in it.

It is not bad to fail. It is not a bad thing to be vulnerable. This, in fact, is the very thing that makes you human.

Your redemption is not found in your perfection, but in how you handle your imperfection.

Did you enjoy the article? CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED! 

7 Things Holding Us Back in Life

What if there is more to my life than what I am living? With all of my heart, I want to live the life that I am supposed to live while I am on this earth, but what if I miss it? What if I get to the end of my life, look back and think,

“My God, what did I do?”

This thought haunts me at times, never enough to leave me paralyzed, but enough to keep me moving. I want this life to matter. I want my life to matter. I want to challenge myself. I want to challenge others to keep moving forward. This life does have a purpose and that purpose is unique for each of us. It is vital that we get our head in the game. We get no second chances. We only get today, we only get right now.

What is holding us back from living our fullest life?

Fear

Fear keeps us living in the future. Fear tells us that our present moment is for preparing for, or worrying about, our next one. We need to have a strong stance against our fear.

 Fear will keep us stuck in a future that often never comes.

Fear keeps us fixated on our nightmares titled “what-if”. Make no mistake about it, our fear will steal our lives from us if we let it.

To live in the most dreaded fantasies of our future is to forget to live our present moment and to forget to live our present moment is to not live at all…

Shame

  Fear keeps us stuck in the future, but our shame keeps us stuck in the past. We all have a relationship with shame, some more than others. Our shame keeps a close eye on us. It is always there to remind us that we have failed and that we most likely will again.

Our shame keeps us tiptoeing through life and intimidated to live free.

We all have moments that we fail and then we all have those moments that we fear we may be a failure. During our moments of failing, we must hold fast to the belief that despite our falling short, we are not a failure. We must learn to offer ourselves grace.

Secrets

 Our secrets keep us isolated. No matter how many people we have living around us we will always be alone if we can’t find a way to live openly and honestly. Our secrets stay in the darkness whispering to us that we should always keep them protected.

Of course, we don’t want to tell the people that we love that we have ugly things within ourselves, but we must. It is imperative that we find a way to invite people into our darkness. Not everyone, but someone.

If we truly want to live free, we must find a way to live an honest life, no matter how much it scares us.

Lack of Self-Awareness

I am a full believer in self-evaluation. We need to understand ourselves. We need to understand our strengths, our weakness, and our brokenness. We need to own that we are made up of both beauty and ugly and that it is our job to sort through it all and own it all. It is our job to grow, it is our job to heal.

Blaming our life on our circumstances

This is perhaps one of the most common, yet most unacknowledged thing that is holding us back from our life. We believe that our problems in life are caused by our circumstances. We think that our work, our marriage, our friends, or our parents are the problem. NO. They are not our problem. Our circumstances are not the problem.

Our problem is that we do not know how to thrive through our difficulty.

We want someone to blame so that we don’t have to take responsibility. Even when life or people disappoint us, it is ultimately our responsibility to decide how it will affect our life moving forward.

Distractions

Wow. Right now in life, this is a big one. Our technology gives us an endless supply of distractions. In a life that seems to constantly be bustling around me, I often turn to my phone for an escape. I am fully aware that I have missed precious moments while I was looking for a distraction that never seems to satisfy.

We must seek to live present. Have time on social media, sure, but do so on purpose and not accidentally wasting large amounts of our lives in little chunks of time.

Seeking Validation

We are living in such an interesting time because we are constantly able to receive instant validation. Feeling down? Post a cute pic and instantly start receiving likes to remind yourself that you are awesome… or not.

At some point, we have to own our worth for ourselves. We cannot rely on other people, online or in real life, to give us our self-confidence.

If you want to live confident there are steps you will have to take and none of those steps involve someone else doing it for you.

There are many things that can keep us from living our best life, but my advice is to get real, live present, and push forward.

Don’t ever give up on the life that you want to live and the person that you want to be.

Besides, what else do you have to do?

CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!

Feeling Betrayed by God

I was twenty-two years old the first time that I felt betrayed by God. Up until that point, I had heard other people talk about being betrayed by Him, but not me. I had known and worshiped my God since the beginning of my life and I never knew him to be anything but kind, trustworthy, and reliable. I had no reason to doubt him, but that changed in the spring of 2009 when something very bad happened to someone I love.

During this time, I remember being at my parents’ house, listening to a Christian teacher that had come into town. She was teaching on the faithfulness and goodness of God. I will never forget sitting in the corner, tears in my eyes, unable to listen to her fully because I was completely entangled in my anger.  Sure, a couple of weeks before I would’ve wholeheartedly agreed with everything she said, but not now. I couldn’t.

God had always been my safe place of refuge and now he felt like my ultimate betrayer. I wasn’t sure what our future together would hold and I was in shock.

I felt like a fool.

I felt betrayed.

I was filled with questions and wanted answers. I began to have some pretty blunt words with God about what in the world He was doing up there on that throne of His.

Through the following weeks, months, and years, I have found answers to my questions. Surprisingly, as I sought to hold God accountable, I found that my beliefs turned out to be partially to blame for my feelings of being betrayed.

Here are five misunderstandings that led me to blame my heartache on God.

1- I had a misunderstanding of pain.

Pain used to be my enemy. I constantly tried to avoid it. I had actually dedicated pain as something evil because I hated it so much.

What if I had it all wrong? What if this life wasn’t about avoiding pain?

There can be such purpose in our pain.

Our pain allows us to grow. Our pain offers us an opportunity to change. Our pain allows us to fight for what we believe. Our pain allows us to see inaccurate beliefs that we have about our self, others, or our God. 

God does not mind pain. I do not believe that He enjoys watching people suffer, but He does understand that sometimes to experience great healing it will feel like great pain.

If we want to live our life to the fullest, we must understand that some pain has a purpose. We must not run from our pain. We must face it and process it until it doesn’t have power anymore.

2- I believed that God could/should control people.

God loves free will. Free will means that there will be situations where people make the wrong choice. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes mistakenly, and sometimes because they choose evil.

God does not control me. God doesn’t control you.

I am given the opportunity to have him a part of my life or I can choose not to. I am not forced onto the path that He desires me to take and no one else is either.

To give God credit for the bad things that people do is utterly unfair.

3- I didn’t think I should have to go through hardship.

Truth is, I trusted him to keep me safe. I trusted him to keep them safe. That was the deal, right? I worship God and He offers me some level of protection from the bad things in this life, right? That was the agreement?

Or not?

Simply put, I had a warped view that my faith would protect me from difficulty.

My faith was never designed to remove difficulty from my life. My faith was designed to equip me to flourish during difficulty.

If we believe that our faith is supposed to make us invisible to hardship, we will never enter into the battles that we were designed to conquer. Don’t avoid hardship. Avoiding hardship will steal so much from us because there is much hardship on the path to victory.

4- I didn’t understand God’s love.

This was the biggest lesson that I learned. God loves me and God loves each person that was involved in my betrayal. There is no exception to this. There is nothing that can be done to remove his love. 

God loves.

Period.

I know this sounds like a really great thing, but to be honest, this was hard for me. I was always taught that God loves us unconditionally; however, deep down, I felt like He loved those who obeyed him more. 

I had to learn how to respect the fact that God loves the people that hurt me and that God gives grace to the people who betray me. This was a long journey for me, but ultimately one of the best lessons of my life. 

5- I did not understand God’s ability to redeem.

Because I had never endured such betrayal, I didn’t understand God’s redemption. I did not know that God can heal all things. I didn’t understand that He can actually bring me and everyone involved to complete healing and NOT just as we were before, but even better!

Our God is the greatest writer of success stories. No matter what despair has come our way, God has a path to heal it all.

The greatest sorrow gives way for the best redemption.

It took some time to get answers to all of my questions, but after it was all over I had learned a lot.

Life is hard. Situations can be utterly disappointing and heartbreaking. People will fail us.

But through it all, God is good.