Do You Feel Like Quitting?

When Carter and I were Juniors in high school, we had been dating for 2 years. We had a great relationship and had already begun planning a future together. But that winter something changed. I lost all feelings for him. It was the strangest thing because nothing had happened. We hadn’t been fighting and he hadn’t done anything wrong, but something changed for me. It just felt like I was no longer attracted to him or had feelings for him. This went on for a couple of weeks and I started seriously considering breaking up with him. I mean, why would I stay with someone I had no feelings for?

I’ll never forget, in January of 2003, sitting with him in his blue, Chevy truck at the Sonic, after a basketball game seriously contemplating ending our relationship. I mean, who wants to date someone they don’t feel attracted to? 

Carter, sensing that something seemed seriously wrong, asked me, “What’s wrong? You haven’t been acting normal. I know something is wrong. Please, just tell me.” 

I knew this was my chance. If I was going to do it, this was the perfect opportunity. But I thought about it again and I chose not to.

I didn’t break up with him for one reason and one reason only. I cared too much for him.

Sure, I didn’t feel “in love” with him, but we had spent 2 years together and I knew it would crush him. So, I made an agreement with myself, that I would give it another week. If I still wanted to break up with him next week, I would do it then. What was the rush? I thought to myself.  There wasn’t one, I decided. I could do it next week.

But guess what happened to my 17-year-old self the following week??? I was once again fully obsessed, attracted, and loving my hot, boyfriend. After this, I remember thinking how crazy real my emotions had felt the week before. How could I have been so close to ending something so important to me? Now, 20 years later, I have often remembered this very important lesson.

My feelings do not always line up with what I should do.

This has gone on to shape our relationship, and not just that, but many things I have done in life, including Redemption Unveiled. Over 7 years ago, I started the “Redemption Unveiled” blog. I felt confident that God was calling me to do it, so I did. I knew he had a message for me to share and I felt a deep knowing that I should step out and share it. I quickly ran into a pretty big problem though. 

Not only did I not know what I was doing, I didn’t know what Redemption Unveiled was really supposed to be.  I was confident that I had a message to share, but what was it?? 😄🙄😭

I cannot begin to tell you the roller coaster that I have taken when it comes to RU. Not only have I had hundreds of tag lines, mission statements, and plans to move forward, but I have also had countless hours of conversations with Carter and other people in my life trying to find the clarity of what I am called to share here.

This all changed this year. 

2023 I finally uncovered the mission that Redemption Unveiled was meant to bring into this world.

I am here to help you take the Adventure God has for you.

It has been such a breath of fresh air to finally have clarity to this thing that I thought would be so much easier to define when I began. Everything feels different now. I no longer feel like I am searching for something and working to make sense of what is within me. After 7 years of blogging, podcasting, talking, praying, planning, thinking, and trying, it finally feels like I know what Redemption Unveiled is.

So imagine my complete surprise when the past few months I have felt unmotivated and not that excited to launch it into the world. I always told myself, that if I only had clarity, I bust this thing out like no other. But here I am, clarity and all, and there has not been any “busting” to speak of. In fact, I have felt little motivation to dig in and do the work.

What in the world? After all this time, why am I not passionately, obsessed with this Adventure that I have worked so hard for??

I have felt very confused.

This week, I was talking to Carter about all of this, and I looked down, and suddenly had a major “aha” that I felt like God gave me. He reminded me of that time many years ago, back when Carter and I were in that Chevy truck at the Sonic.

I remember the feeling of “blah” that I felt. I remember how close I was to letting it all go, and then I was reminded of all the beauty that has come since.

And just like that, something was settled in me once again.

Redemption Unveiled will be an exciting adventure… just maybe not today.

Recently, RU has felt like a struggle. I am showing up and doing the work, but it hasn’t felt as passionate as expected. 

Turns out, no adventure is always fun and exciting. Marriage, parenting, careers, friendships, our calling, and even life itself, are all made up of many things. Sometimes they are exciting, sometimes difficult, and sometimes they just feel really boring.

This is a lesson we all must learn.

The Adventure that God calls us to are made up of highs and lows, but not just that. Sometimes, they are made of boring plateaus that can be even harder to stick through than the trials. I want to encourage you that if you want to experience all the Adventures that God has for you, you will have to push through the seasons of your life and choose the adventure, even when it doesn’t excite you.

Take it from me, you won’t always feel like you feel today and if you want God to give you the life you were born for, you will have to do a lot of things you don’t feel like doing.

Let’s do this.

Don’t forget, the Earth is waiting for you to show up. 🌎 -Haley

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Does your life feel boring? Do you struggle to see the Adventure you are on? I am excited to announce that I am bringing back GUEST to the podcast! Every other week, we will hear from someone about an adventure they took with God! I can’t wait to share these amazing stories with you!

Today’s podcast has one of the best stories I have ever heard!

Today, I have on my mom, Shelly, and she is sharing with you the story of when God called her to adopt… even though she already had 6 biological children! She faced a lot of problems along the way, it was NOT an easy Adventure for her to go on. But all along the way, God wrote himself into the story. This is one of the most inspiring stories I’ve ever heard, and it never gets old.

If you need to feel inspired this Holiday Season, listen to this podcast today!

When Your Marriage Is No Longer Worth the Fight

I will never forget the scariest moment of my marriage. We had been married a couple of years and I found myself feeling very frustrated about some of the things happening between us. I talked to Carter several times about it and he seemed to listen, but our conversations never seemed to bring about any change.

We had been having the same discussion on repeat for weeks.

He may have been listening, but I did not feel heard.

We were not on the same page.

One night, we were lying in bed discussing things and he once again said something that made me very aware he was not understanding the seriousness of how I felt. I laid there feeling defeated and overwhelmed. What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t I getting anywhere?

Prior to this night, there were many times in our relationship that I had been angry and chose to give Carter “the silent treatment”. While I do not recommend that as a healthy form of communication, this night was different.

I wasn’t giving Carter the silent treatment. I was simply done talking.

I was done trying to express myself.

I was done feeling like I was not a priority.

This night, I was simply ready to go to sleep.

I will never forget when I rolled over in bed and felt something scarier than I had ever felt before. Something much scarier than anger…

Indifference.

You see this night wasn’t me trying to prove something with my silence. This was the first time in our seven year relationship that it simply didn’t feel worth the fight.

We weren’t worth the fight. He wasn’t worth the fight.

This was the night I realized that there was, in fact, something worse in a relationship than arguing a lot and that is not caring enough about the relationship to argue at all.

This was about ten years ago and let me tell you, we have had MUCH harder things we have had to walk through in our marriage, but I don’t know if I have ever felt something scarier than this night.

I was in a marriage, but I felt so alone and I wasn’t sure why. I felt like my husband wasn’t there. And for the first time, I felt like I was ready not to be there too.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way inside of a marriage. Marriage is hard and confusing. If you want to stay married there is something you have to understand, marriage will consist of a fight.

Fighting to keep what you have and fighting for the marriage you want.

I know it can be so easy to become disengaged. It can be so easy to convince yourself to stop communicating things because you have already communicated them... but don’t stop.

Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to feel “indifferent”. While indifference is a nice break from arguing, it is the first step out the door.

Speak. Keep Speaking. Keep Fighting.

Not necessarily with your partner, but for them.

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Is This a Time for Rage?

I just finished reading a nationally circulated article that told me that “this is a time for rage”. It was speaking on some of the recent events of the political landscape and the current sexual investigations that are taking place.

I am no stranger to the current world we live in and it is no great surprise for me to see rage, but this was something new. This was the first time that I had actually seen a writer not just speak in a state of rage, but recommend it as the best option as we move through these difficult situations.

I could not believe it.

Really? That is the best that we have?

With all of the tools, emotions and communication styles we have access to we are going to select our rage?

Is that what people really think?

That rage is going to get us through?

Rage is our savior?

Not for me.

I don’t have faith in my rage.

Rage is an emotion, it is not a solution.

When we feel enraged, we feel like we have a purpose. We see the path ahead and we have no doubt that we can conquer it. It makes us feel brave and important.

Our rage makes us feel powerful.

Our rage is an understandable emotion that arises as we journey through some of these difficult experiences, it makes us feel like we are seeing crystal clear, but it actually blinds us. We are unable to see anything else but our emotion and our perception. When we feel rage we are often incapable of listening well and uninterested in learning because we demand to be heard.

I do understand that rage can be quite productive. It can be a great influencer, communicator and motivator to get people in action, but let’s be clear, the action that rage will spark is not one that will bring beauty to this world.

While rage is easy to grow, it is not easily controlled and the more it spreads the harder it is to keep in check.

Rage is loyal to itself and not even the cause at hand.

Rage is not a superhuman power to get things done. It is an ineffective strategy for creating positive change.

We have leaders instructing their followers to take up anger as a tool to solve our problems.

Umm… no thanks.

Rage can ignite fiery passion and can cause intimidation, but is this really going to give us what we want? Is this going to create the environment that we want our children to grow up in?

If encouraged, our rage will produce hate, intolerance, and violence.

Rage has no peace to offer us.

Rage has no answers for us.

Rage is not the solution.

Being unable to control our temper is not our strength, this my friends is actually part of the problem. Rage may have to be a part of all of this, but to credit it as our strength would be a mistake.

Our bitterness, our rage, and our anger will never heal us or create peace in this world. The healing that we find after our rage will.

We will heal this problem by sharing and listening to the experiences that have occurred. We will heal as the stories of darkness get brought to the light. We will heal as people who have found healing share the way. We will heal in our understanding. We will heal as we connect and support one another. We will heal as we become equipped. We will heal as we forgive.

We will heal as we speak to our youth and educate them on these things that have gone unspoken in generations past.

We will heal as we teach people to do better.

We will begin to heal as we better understand the mindsets that have let these actions take place repeatedly while staying in the dark generationally.

We will not heal because of our rage. We will heal despite it.

We need to do better.

Not just with our sexual misbehaviors, but with our response to them as well. We must find a different way to navigate these difficult experiences.

Rage may be a step along the journey, but should not be the destination. Make no mistake about it, we want to keep moving forward.

We want a better world for every woman and every man. We want a better world for our children.

If we want better, then we all must do better.

Our culture needs an answer to this problem and I am sure that rage is not that answer.

No matter how we feel, our rage is not actually effective for us to get what we want.

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7 Things Holding Us Back in Life

What if there is more to my life than what I am living? With all of my heart, I want to live the life that I am supposed to live while I am on this earth, but what if I miss it? What if I get to the end of my life, look back and think,

“My God, what did I do?”

This thought haunts me at times, never enough to leave me paralyzed, but enough to keep me moving. I want this life to matter. I want my life to matter. I want to challenge myself. I want to challenge others to keep moving forward. This life does have a purpose and that purpose is unique for each of us. It is vital that we get our head in the game. We get no second chances. We only get today, we only get right now.

What is holding us back from living our fullest life?

Fear

Fear keeps us living in the future. Fear tells us that our present moment is for preparing for, or worrying about, our next one. We need to have a strong stance against our fear.

 Fear will keep us stuck in a future that often never comes.

Fear keeps us fixated on our nightmares titled “what-if”. Make no mistake about it, our fear will steal our lives from us if we let it.

To live in the most dreaded fantasies of our future is to forget to live our present moment and to forget to live our present moment is to not live at all…

Shame

  Fear keeps us stuck in the future, but our shame keeps us stuck in the past. We all have a relationship with shame, some more than others. Our shame keeps a close eye on us. It is always there to remind us that we have failed and that we most likely will again.

Our shame keeps us tiptoeing through life and intimidated to live free.

We all have moments that we fail and then we all have those moments that we fear we may be a failure. During our moments of failing, we must hold fast to the belief that despite our falling short, we are not a failure. We must learn to offer ourselves grace.

Secrets

 Our secrets keep us isolated. No matter how many people we have living around us we will always be alone if we can’t find a way to live openly and honestly. Our secrets stay in the darkness whispering to us that we should always keep them protected.

Of course, we don’t want to tell the people that we love that we have ugly things within ourselves, but we must. It is imperative that we find a way to invite people into our darkness. Not everyone, but someone.

If we truly want to live free, we must find a way to live an honest life, no matter how much it scares us.

Lack of Self-Awareness

I am a full believer in self-evaluation. We need to understand ourselves. We need to understand our strengths, our weakness, and our brokenness. We need to own that we are made up of both beauty and ugly and that it is our job to sort through it all and own it all. It is our job to grow, it is our job to heal.

Blaming our life on our circumstances

This is perhaps one of the most common, yet most unacknowledged thing that is holding us back from our life. We believe that our problems in life are caused by our circumstances. We think that our work, our marriage, our friends, or our parents are the problem. NO. They are not our problem. Our circumstances are not the problem.

Our problem is that we do not know how to thrive through our difficulty.

We want someone to blame so that we don’t have to take responsibility. Even when life or people disappoint us, it is ultimately our responsibility to decide how it will affect our life moving forward.

Distractions

Wow. Right now in life, this is a big one. Our technology gives us an endless supply of distractions. In a life that seems to constantly be bustling around me, I often turn to my phone for an escape. I am fully aware that I have missed precious moments while I was looking for a distraction that never seems to satisfy.

We must seek to live present. Have time on social media, sure, but do so on purpose and not accidentally wasting large amounts of our lives in little chunks of time.

Seeking Validation

We are living in such an interesting time because we are constantly able to receive instant validation. Feeling down? Post a cute pic and instantly start receiving likes to remind yourself that you are awesome… or not.

At some point, we have to own our worth for ourselves. We cannot rely on other people, online or in real life, to give us our self-confidence.

If you want to live confident there are steps you will have to take and none of those steps involve someone else doing it for you.

There are many things that can keep us from living our best life, but my advice is to get real, live present, and push forward.

Don’t ever give up on the life that you want to live and the person that you want to be.

Besides, what else do you have to do?

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I Am Dedicated to Dying Without Bitterness

I have a lot of goals in this life. One of my goals is to die without bitterness.

Maybe you think this is a silly goal, but as I have gotten older, it is becoming more and more apparent how difficult this is going to be.

There are so many disappointing things that happen in this life.

As a child many of us believed that the sky was the limit. We looked at adulthood with longing, because we thought it would be filled with freedom. It seemed clear that our adult life would be the place that all of our dreams would magically come true.

We couldn’t wait to grow up.

However, as we enter into adulthood our hopes can quickly be met with a harsh dose of reality.

Adult life can feel quite monotonous and disappointing.

Our timeline for things like promotions, marriage or children is often different than we hoped. Our career can feel suffocating or stagnant. The money doesn’t always pour in like we expected. Married life is not always the honeymoon we thought it would be and parenting can often be more exhausting than we imagined.

Friendships can be difficult to maintain through the years. Unfortunately, some of our relationships become lost altogether.

And then there are the seasons of life that utterly break our heart and almost break us completely.

It is easy to become cynical.

Without even realizing it, our disappointment can lead us to embrace bitterness. Not all at once, but a little bit at a time.

The way I see it, I have two options:

to own my bitterness or refuse it.

To be clear, I know that bitterness comes with many benefits.

When I am hurt, I can use bitterness as an “off” switch. It allows me to hold onto my expectations and resent the way that things turned out. I can then move forward without processing my disappointment, grieving or forgiving anyone.

Bitterness can be quite comforting when I don’t want to walk through the healing process.

Becoming bitter can happen quite naturally, but it comes at a high cost.

Yes, it gives me a free pass not to heal, but it also keeps me stuck in the pain of my experience. My disappointments will forever have a hold on me until I choose to process them.

I am dedicated to living a life without bitterness.

The way I see it, it is a priority for me to master being disappointed. Not because I enjoy disappointment, but because I want to live free.

Freedom.

The freedom I sought as a child is the very thing I am longing to protect.

My freedom to dream.

My freedom to hope.

The freedom to be me genuinely and not hardened by life.

I will not take responsibility for everything that happens to me in my life, I will take full responsibility for what I do with it.

Bitterness is not for me, that is for sure.

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Letting Life’s Problems Change Me… For the Better

Recently, I was talking to a friend and mentioned to her that I am always looking to change. I hope to be a very different person in a year than I am today.

I said it without thinking a thing about it until she stopped me and asked,

“You want to change?”

Do you ever say things and not think about them until someone calls you out for saying it? I do all of the time. I thought about it for a minute and realized that I whole-heartedly believed and agreed with the statement I made.

I want to change.

 I want to constantly be growing, learning and becoming something more amazing than I was before.

This is a far cry from the way I used to live. Actually, it is a complete 180. I used to feel so attached to who I was. I didn’t want to change. In fact, the mere thought of it made me feel insecure. Heaven forbid, someone suggest it.

I was so utterly afraid of needing improvement that it kept me from growing.

This mindset kept me stuck. But not anymore.

I am now dedicated to learning who I am and facing it. Brokenness and all.

Everything in my life is now an opportunity for me to grow. I am learning to maneuver through my perceptions that have kept me from growing in the past

I now view conflict as an opportunity to learn about my brokenness instead of merely accusing the other person of being all of the problem.

I have learned to listen to the things that I say about other people when I am frustrated. I have realized that often times what comes out of my mouth says more about me than it says about them.

I no longer blame my unhappiness or frustrations on anyone else. I have chosen to take ownership and responsibility for my life.

I have embraced the very real fact that sometimes I am just flat wrong.

I give more grace, not just to others, but to myself.

 I allow my circumstances to grow me. I am embracing the true journey of this life. Not just a journey to my next achievement, but the journey of discovering who I am capable of being.

I am finding redemption.

I understand that I am beautiful, but I’ve got a lot of mess on top, around and within this beauty. I am dedicated to the process of unraveling, unveiling and redeeming this whole beautiful mess.

I want freedom and I don't want anything in this life to keep me from finding it.

Including myself.

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A Letter to the Broken-hearted

You find yourself today in a place that you never thought you would be. You never saw it coming. You weren’t prepared for this. Sure, you knew this life would have its challenges, but you never imagined it would look like this or feel like this.

You have discovered a whole new layer of pain that you didn’t know existed… and you wish you could go back. You didn’t ask for this and it has changed you in a way that you never wanted.

I know you are overwhelmed with your feelings. You feel like an empty shell and can hardly imagine your life before… without the pain. No matter how much sleep you have, it never seems to be enough. Exhausted would be an understatement.

I know you don’t want to be here, but here you are.

I am sorry.

Maybe no one knows what you’ve been through… or maybe everyone knows. It matters not. No one can fully understand. No one can feel what you feel.

Even in a crowd, loneliness seems to be all around you.

You feel alone because in many ways you are. Not that you don’t have people who will support you, you do. But words can’t possibly define the pain you feel… and only you have walked the journey to where you are today.

I wish that all the pain would just *magically* disappear, but it won’t.

And for that I am sorry.

Going back to who you were before is impossible because you are not the same person. The person you once were, no longer exists. You have been permanently changed through this painful experience and it is scary… and confusing… and overwhelming.

Now I want to tell you something that is very important…

 It matters.

It matters that you are here. It matters where you have been. It matters where you are going.

Your pain matters.

You matter.

The road before you looks long and hard because it is. There are many obstacles ahead that will be difficult to get through.  The journey ahead is long, yes. The journey ahead is hard, yes. But the journey ahead of you is worth it.

You are worth it.

You didn’t choose this, but you have choices now. You get to choose what your future holds. You can’t change your past, but you can define it. You can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin to walk again. Begin to move forward.

Please, choose to heal. Choose to hope. Choose to love.

Don’t allow yourself to give up. You are too valuable to this world. This world needs you.

This world needs you to hope.

This world needs you to heal.

This world needs you to live.

I beg you with everything that I have, fight for your healing. Don’t stop until you can stand tall once again. Don’t stop until you have your peace. Reach out to those who can help you heal. Be wise in how you spend the small amount of energy you have. Take the time that you need to rest, but don’t allow yourself to quit.

And if you choose the path to heal, there will be a surprise for you at the end of it…

The path before you leads to beauty.

It may take weeks, months or years, but beauty is ahead of you.

A person who has been healed of a broken heart is an extremely beautiful soul.

It is a soul filled with strength, courage and compassion. A soul that has known the darkness, but chose the light. It is a soul that has experienced the risk of vulnerability, but chooses it still.

If you choose, there is beauty ahead of you. A beauty that is more real and tangible than anything you have experienced in your life thus far.

I beg you… don’t let yourself die with a broken heart.

For a broken heart that is left unhealed will become a bitter heart, but a broken heart that is given the opportunity to heal will become the most beautiful of hearts. I promise.

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My Husband Is Not the Enemy

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In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them.

“Marriage is hard,” they said and “it takes a lot of work”.

Ok?

 That seemed fairly straightforward.

Before I was married and someone told me this, I thought of marriage as a challenge. The odds were against us, but if we just stayed focused and worked hard, we would win.

Marriage is hard, yes, but I don’t think “hard” is the best description of marriage.

I think a better word for marriage is confusing.

Sure, during the difficult days, it can be hard to do the right thing. But, more often than that, I think the hard thing is figuring out what is the "right thing".

Do I stand up for myself? Do I need to let this go? Do I just lie and say that I am fine? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Am I over-reacting? Am I under-reacting? Is this normal? Do all spouses feel like this? Are we the only marriage going through this?

It can all be very unclear.

When we said our vows, we pledged to be on one another’s team, always and forever. It seemed so simple. I knew the world would bring difficulties, but I never thought I would question if Carter was for me or against me. We vowed to fight this fight together, but I didn’t anticipate how natural it would be to end up on opposite sides of the ring.

During difficult times, it is so easy to feel hurt and let down when our partner hasn’t stepped up in ways that we hoped they would. We thought they would be there to support us, protect us and care for us, but they weren’t. Most surprising, are the times when our spouse has not only disappointed us, but they have been the one’s to deliver the painful punch to our gut.

When we feel hurt by one another, it is natural to go on the defensive and start jabbing at one another. We know we shouldn’t, but it is easy not to care. We want to win and we want them to pay for hurting us. When we fight against one another, we both end up bloody and defeated. No one wins.

I wish someone would’ve told me that there would be moments that I wasn’t sure if Carter was for me or against me.

I wish someone would’ve told me that I would feel confused in my marriage.

I wish someone would’ve told me that I would doubt him and at times, I would doubt “us”.

There are an unlimited amount of things in this life that cause stress in a marriage, but I am convinced that nothing has the ability to tear us apart unless we begin to view one another as the enemy.  If we want to make it through life with our marriage intact, the greatest challenge and utmost priority is to continually choose to be on one another’s team.

Marriage isn’t just about experiencing love. Marriage is about experiencing life and experiencing it all with a partner by your side. Carter is my person. He is the one I chose almost fifteen years ago and have continued to do so repeatedly.

So yes, marriage is hard, but the hardest part of marriage is how exhausting it can feel to make the same choice over and over…the choice to choose one another.  

Some days that choice is easy, and some days that choice is hard, but every day that choice is worth it.

Own Your Hate and Bitterness. They Are Yours.

This world can be a very difficult place to live. No matter how hard we try to keep ourselves from pain, it seems there is no way to escape from getting hurt in this life. There are times that it can seem simpler to overlook situations that cause us pain, but we must face them. It is essential that we understand our hurts and our brokenness.

In every situation, we are offered time to be wounded. It is necessary that we allow ourselves this time and the grace to be hurt and broken. However, our hurts won’t stay “hurts” forever, they change.

Our brokenness that is left unattended will become bitterness.

Our hurt that is left unaddressed will become hate.

One day, we will wake up and the opportunity to begin the healing process will present itself. At that moment, we will have a choice. If we choose not to begin the journey to be healed, we will begin the journey to hate.

None of us can escape the pain of this life. Sometimes pain comes as a huge defining moment of betrayal, and at other times, it is small repeated rejections. The principal is the same whether small or large. We have the choice to release and heal, or hold on and hate.

We do not choose our pain, but we do choose what we do with it. Once we are no longer hurting, but hating and no longer broken, but bitter we must own our current condition. This is the choice we make when we choose not to let go, but to hold on. This is the choice we make when we choose not to forgive. Hate and Bitterness are our consequence for not choosing to be healed from our pain.

When we choose to heal we aren’t saying that we are ok with how we were treated. We are saying that we are unwilling to let what happened to us define who we are.  

Sometimes it can feel like we have a right to our hate. That we have earned it because of what we have been through. But do we really want our hate and everything it will give us? You see, hate is not content to stay stagnate. Hate demands control. Our hate will change us. It will make us people we never intended to be.

Sometimes this life just sucks. We as people have the capacity to make both, horrible mistakes and horrible choices. We hurt one another both, unintentionally and intentionally.

People can hurt us and cause us pain, but no one has the ability to make us hateful or bitter. We hold the keys to our souls. What we do with the hurt, pain and brokenness is up to us. We get the final say. The days of blaming our hate on other people need to be over. We must own who we are.

I beg you, my friend, not because they deserve your forgiveness,

but because you deserve your healing.

Let it go.

Seek counsel, forgive and find healing.

Defining My Relationship with Self-Pity

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Taken by Crush Photography by Hannah Brown

For a multitude of reasons, I found myself discouraged this week. I had a sick baby, some disappointments, a touch of rejection and other routine life “stuff”. All week I had a nagging, unwelcome visit from a long-time frenemy, Self-Pity.

{Merriam-Webster defines a frenemy as one who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy.}

Self-Pity and I grew up together and became friends at a young age. I thought we had a true friendship, but the more time I spent with her, the more I realized that she wasn’t my friend.  

She has a way of masking her true intentions. 

Self-Pity always takes my side (which, of course, I love). She constantly says that she only has my interest in mind and that she cares for me and understands me more than anyone else. 

The more time I spend with her, the harder it is for me to be content with anything in my life. I am beyond blessed, but she tells me that I deserve more. What I have, is never enough. In this life, things often don’t go my way and when they don’t, Self-Pity tells me that it is unacceptable. She keeps track of every time that I am wronged and demands that everything in my life should be fair. She tells me that I deserve what I want when I want it. Her goal is to make me a self-centered person who throws a fit if I don’t get my way… every time.

Self-Pity is determined to make me a victim far more often than I actually am one.

She loves to whisper in my ear...

“Poor me, I didn’t get what I wanted.”

“Poor me, I don’t deserve this.”

“Poor me…”

I now respond right back to her…

“I refuse to live my life as a victim.

I am strong.

I am blessed.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for and I will choose to move forward and be appreciative.”

All of us have some level of relationship with Self-Pity. We must take a firm stand against her or she will isolate us. We will end up living in a world that revolves around one person, ourselves. Self-Pity’s ultimate goal is to produce a selfish perception of the world where everything is happening “to us”, even when the situation isn’t about “us” at all. We become blind to the needs of anyone else and lose our ability to love others well. 

This is the only life I get and I refuse to live it as a spoiled brat who is never happy with what I have. No matter how often she tries to tell me differently, Self-pity is not my friend. She is a thief who will take my joy, twist my perceptions and steal from my relationships. 

When she knocks on my door, I tell her to leave, but that doesn’t keep her from knocking again. 

She is relentless, but as am I. 

I take this life seriously and anything that tries to steal from it is not welcome. I will choose gratitude and tell her that I don’t have time for her shit. 

Your Life Is Now. Live It Today.

I would like you to do something right now, forget about your present circumstance and forget about your stress. Forget about the past few years that have not gone the way you expected. (Don’t worry we will come back to reality, just go with me for a minute.) Now, let’s go back to a simpler time, a time when you had your whole future ahead of you. You were filled with hope and excitement of the many possibilities ahead.

Stay here for a moment.

Who is this person? What dreams did they have? What kind of person were they to become? What kind of life would they live?

Ok, now come back.

This is it, this is your life.

Welcome to your future.

Are you the person that you always hoped to be? If so, CONGRATULATIONS! That is wonderful and I wish you the best! If not, why? What has kept you from being that person? Are you carrying the hurt from your past? Are you stuck in your history? Perhaps you keep planning to be that person "tomorrow"? Are you distracted? Are you waiting for others to make it happen?

I would like to formally invite you back into your life. I would like to give you the opportunity today to start fresh. It is simple enough to say, but how do we implement a new beginning?

I will leave you with three suggestions:

Forgive.

Nothing will steal your life from you like living in the past. The choice is yours, but I will always recommend forgiveness. Choose healing. Choose to move forward without the hurts of yesterday. At times, the person that is hardest to forgive is ourself. Today is a great day to begin the process.

Hope.

 Hope is costly, but hope is worth it. The moment we stop hoping is the moment that we stop dreaming. Please, don’t stop dreaming. This world needs what you have inside of you.

Be determined.

Be determined to get “unstuck”. Be determined to dream again. Be determined to live again. Stand up and decide that today is the day that you will no longer sit on the sidelines of your life, you are getting back in the game and you will never leave it again. Whether you become tired, sweaty or bloody you are determined to live every minute of this experience fully.

I speak not of a life without difficulty and disappointment. pain and struggling will be present, yet we let it rule us not. Having the life you want will cost you, but it is worth it. If you are expecting it to be easy, it isn’t.  If you are waiting for it to be given to you, you will wait forever because that gift is never coming. Don’t look to live a life without problems, but choose to live life despite them.

Today is the day you can choose to live again.

Make a change.

Decide to heal.

Decide to hope.

Welcome back my friend, how you’ve been missed.