REDEMPTION UNVEILED
When Your Marriage Is No Longer Worth the Fight
I will never forget the scariest moment of my marriage. We had been married a couple of years and I found myself feeling very frustrated about some happening between us. I talked to Carter several times about it and he seemed to listen, but our conversations never seemed to bring about any change.
We had been having the same discussion on repeat for weeks.
He may have been listening, but I did not feel heard.
We were not on the same page…
I will never forget the scariest moment of my marriage. We had been married a couple of years and I found myself feeling very frustrated about some of the things happening between us. I talked to Carter several times about it and he seemed to listen, but our conversations never seemed to bring about any change.
We had been having the same discussion on repeat for weeks.
He may have been listening, but I did not feel heard.
We were not on the same page.
One night, we were lying in bed discussing things and he once again said something that made me very aware he was not understanding the seriousness of how I felt. I laid there feeling defeated and overwhelmed. What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t I getting anywhere?
Prior to this night, there were many times in our relationship that I had been angry and chose to give Carter “the silent treatment”. While I do not recommend that as a healthy form of communication, this night was different.
I wasn’t giving Carter the silent treatment. I was simply done talking.
I was done trying to express myself.
I was done feeling like I was not a priority.
This night, I was simply ready to go to sleep.
I will never forget when I rolled over in bed and felt something scarier than I had ever felt before. Something much scarier than anger…
Indifference.
You see this night wasn’t me trying to prove something with my silence. This was the first time in our seven year relationship that it simply didn’t feel worth the fight.
We weren’t worth the fight. He wasn’t worth the fight.
This was the night I realized that there was, in fact, something worse in a relationship than arguing a lot and that is not caring enough about the relationship to argue at all.
This was about ten years ago and let me tell you, we have had MUCH harder things we have had to walk through in our marriage, but I don’t know if I have ever felt something scarier than this night.
I was in a marriage, but I felt so alone and I wasn’t sure why. I felt like my husband wasn’t there. And for the first time, I felt like I was ready not to be there too.
I know I am not alone in feeling this way inside of a marriage. Marriage is hard and confusing. If you want to stay married there is something you have to understand, marriage will consist of a fight.
Fighting to keep what you have and fighting for the marriage you want.
I know it can be so easy to become disengaged. It can be so easy to convince yourself to stop communicating things because you have already communicated them... but don’t stop.
Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to feel “indifferent”. While indifference is a nice break from arguing, it is the first step out the door.
Speak. Keep Speaking. Keep Fighting.
Not necessarily with your partner, but for them.
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I’m Offended {And I’m Missing the Point}
In recent weeks, I have been obsessing over the experience of being offended. I’ve been studying it. Listening. Watching. Questioning.
Offense is beyond interesting.
Offense feels like passion.
It feels righteous.
It feels justified.
Being offended makes us feel powerful and productive. When we get offended, it feels very important. It almost feels as if we are getting something accomplished. Which is quite intriguing.
Offense happens when someone disrespects us, devalues us, or disagrees with us. We also take offense when someone does not respect our pain or validate a loss that we have experienced.
When we are offended we feel justified to say, feel, or do, whatever we want.
Free pass.
In recent weeks, I have been obsessing over the experience of being offended. I’ve been studying it. Listening. Watching. Questioning.
Offense is beyond interesting.
Offense feels like passion.
It feels righteous.
It feels justified.
Being offended makes us feel powerful and productive. When we get offended, it feels very important. It almost feels as if we are getting something accomplished. Which is quite intriguing.
Offense happens when someone disrespects us, devalues us, or disagrees with us.
We also take offense when someone does not respect our pain or validate a loss that we have experienced.
When we are offended, we feel justified to say, feel, or do, whatever we want.
Free pass.
Perhaps we don’t say whatever we want to the person, but we will undoubtedly find someone to express our outrage. We want to be told that we are right in everything that we feel and justified in everything that we said.
Our offense keeps us laser focused on them and their failure. It frees us of any responsibility to own our reactions, emotions or perceptions.
Being offended is centered on the priority to blame them for everything, including the emotions that have risen within us.
When we are offended, grace and compassion are not necessary. We are not looking for a different perspective. We are looking for validation. We want every emotion that we feel to be respected.
Being offended feels powerful, but it’s not. It is actually void of power. We are not valiant. We are emotional.
It is not hard to follow our emotions. It is hard to challenge them.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about changing viewpoints to what the opposing side is saying. I am talking about taking responsibility for the extreme passion, anger or hurt that we allow to go unchecked and unresolved.
We must take responsibility for ourselves.
Our emotions. Our words. Our actions.
We must own them. We should prioritize understanding them. We should be dedicated to maturing them.
Being offended feels productive, but it is only truly productive if we use the experience as an opportunity to grow.
There is so much to learn about ourselves when we are offended.
Why do we feel the way we feel? Why are we so upset? Why are we unable to disagree respectfully? Why did what they said bother or hurt us so much? Why is it important that they agree with us?
Next time we find ourselves offended let’s try to resist the urge to blame.
Next time, let’s embrace the opportunity to grow.
Surprising enough, our job in this life is not to change them.
It is to grow ourselves.
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Letting Life’s Problems Change Me… For the Better
Recently, I was talking to a friend and mentioned to her that I am always looking to change. I hope to be a very different person in a year than I am today.
I said it without thinking a thing about it until she stopped me and asked,
“You want to change?”
Do you ever say things and not think about them until someone calls you out for saying it? I do all of the time. I thought about it for a minute and realized that I whole-heartedly believed and agreed with the statement I made.
I want to change...
Recently, I was talking to a friend and mentioned to her that I am always looking to change. I hope to be a very different person in a year than I am today.
I said it without thinking a thing about it until she stopped me and asked,
“You want to change?”
Do you ever say things and not think about them until someone calls you out for saying it? I do all of the time. I thought about it for a minute and realized that I whole-heartedly believed and agreed with the statement I made.
I want to change.
I want to constantly be growing, learning and becoming something more amazing than I was before.
This is a far cry from the way I used to live. Actually, it is a complete 180. I used to feel so attached to who I was. I didn’t want to change. In fact, the mere thought of it made me feel insecure. Heaven forbid, someone suggest it.
I was so utterly afraid of needing improvement that it kept me from growing.
This mindset kept me stuck. But not anymore.
I am now dedicated to learning who I am and facing it. Brokenness and all.
Everything in my life is now an opportunity for me to grow. I am learning to maneuver through my perceptions that have kept me from growing in the past
I now view conflict as an opportunity to learn about my brokenness instead of merely accusing the other person of being all of the problem.
I have learned to listen to the things that I say about other people when I am frustrated. I have realized that often times what comes out of my mouth says more about me than it says about them.
I no longer blame my unhappiness or frustrations on anyone else. I have chosen to take ownership and responsibility for my life.
I have embraced the very real fact that sometimes I am just flat wrong.
I give more grace, not just to others, but to myself.
I allow my circumstances to grow me. I am embracing the true journey of this life. Not just a journey to my next achievement, but the journey of discovering who I am capable of being.
I am finding redemption.
I understand that I am beautiful, but I’ve got a lot of mess on top, around and within this beauty. I am dedicated to the process of unraveling, unveiling and redeeming this whole beautiful mess.
I want freedom and I don't want anything in this life to keep me from finding it.
Including myself.
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Learning to Value Those I Disagree With
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions. That was then...
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions.
When I entered into an argument it felt personal. If you rejected my opinions, you rejected me, so I defended "us" with whatever it took. I had one goal and that was to come out as the “winner”. It was very important to me that I “win”.
I used to think that my opinions and I were like two peas in a sweet little pod of "right".
I became a different person during conflict. Arguments would reveal things within me that most of the time I could hide. I didn’t have the skills to remain respectful or kind during conflict. Honestly, I felt like if you were going to challenge me, you didn’t deserve my respect or my kindness… you should know better. (Yeah, I am aware of how horrible that sounds.)
I felt like if you disagreed with me, you didn’t value me. It was no longer about the disagreement.
It was about me and my worth.
I realize now that I used to be able to disregard people’s perceptions so easily because I had a lack of understanding what opinions really were. I used to think that opinions were simple. They were simply right or wrong, good or bad. Now I realize that opinions are as complex as the people that hold them.
Our opinions are wrapped up and filtered through every single experience we have ever had. They are more than just our knowledge. Our opinions give voice to our perception.
Our opinions give voice to our history.
All of us are on a tumultuous journey to try to make sense out of life. Our opinions place words to where we stand in the world today, but tomorrow we may be standing in a new place, with new opinions. Our views are ever changing, at least I hope so.
Our opinions are a product of how we have processed our experiences. For me to expect everyone to experience life the same is silly and for me to expect everyone to process life the same is just crazy.
I may disagree with you, but I should be able to value you regardless. If I cannot value a person, merely because I disagree with them, that is a problem. A big problem.
Now looking back it makes me blush to think about some of the things that I have said in my life, but worse is the attitude with which I would say them. By far, my greatest regrets are the hurtful words that have come out of my mouth. I have said horrible things to people I love over differing opinions. How is that for love?
It is so intriguing to me that I used to hold onto my idealistic ideas stronger than I would hold on to my love.
My opinions are not nearly as important as I used to believe. I no longer believe that every opinion I have is absolutely right or absolutely noble. And I no longer put that pressure on you.
I have now learned that my opinions don't make me special. They are not what make me a wonderful person. My choice to value your voice, even if it is saying something different than mine and my choice to listen to you, hear you and attempt to understand you, are what make me special.
My choice to place high worth on humanity is what makes me a wonderful person.
For me to say your opinions don’t matter is for me to say your experiences don’t matter, and if your experiences don’t matter than your life doesn’t matter. I’m no longer willing to say that. I will, with resolution, respect life.
Perhaps that is the key to why we all fight so hard for our opinions. We are not necessarily fighting for our views, we are fighting to say that our experiences matter, but ultimately we are fighting to say that our lives matter.
While I may not agree with your opinion. I can place value on the life that it has taken you to accumulate them.
Because your life matters… a lot.
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That Awkward Moment When... Someone Tells You They Don't Like You
How do you respond when someone tells you that they do not like you? Well... this has happened to me several times through my life and I finally have a solution for this awkward experience! Watch it here...
My Husband Is Not the Enemy
In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them...
In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them.
“Marriage is hard,” they said and “it takes a lot of work”.
Ok?
That seemed fairly straightforward.
Before I was married and someone told me this, I thought of marriage as a challenge. The odds were against us, but if we just stayed focused and worked hard, we would win.
Marriage is hard, yes, but I don’t think “hard” is the best description of marriage.
I think a better word for marriage is confusing.
Sure, during the difficult days, it can be hard to do the right thing. But, more often than that, I think the hard thing is figuring out what is the "right thing".
Do I stand up for myself? Do I need to let this go? Do I just lie and say that I am fine? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Am I over-reacting? Am I under-reacting? Is this normal? Do all spouses feel like this? Are we the only marriage going through this?
It can all be very unclear.
When we said our vows, we pledged to be on one another’s team, always and forever. It seemed so simple. I knew the world would bring difficulties, but I never thought I would question if Carter was for me or against me. We vowed to fight this fight together, but I didn’t anticipate how natural it would be to end up on opposite sides of the ring.
During difficult times, it is so easy to feel hurt and let down when our partner hasn’t stepped up in ways that we hoped they would. We thought they would be there to support us, protect us and care for us, but they weren’t. Most surprising, are the times when our spouse has not only disappointed us, but they have been the one’s to deliver the painful punch to our gut.
When we feel hurt by one another, it is natural to go on the defensive and start jabbing at one another. We know we shouldn’t, but it is easy not to care. We want to win and we want them to pay for hurting us. When we fight against one another, we both end up bloody and defeated. No one wins.
I wish someone would’ve told me that there would be moments that I wasn’t sure if Carter was for me or against me.
I wish someone would’ve told me that I would feel confused in my marriage.
I wish someone would’ve told me that I would doubt him and at times, I would doubt “us”.
There are an unlimited amount of things in this life that cause stress in a marriage, but I am convinced that nothing has the ability to tear us apart unless we begin to view one another as the enemy. If we want to make it through life with our marriage intact, the greatest challenge and utmost priority is to continually choose to be on one another’s team.
Marriage isn’t just about experiencing love. Marriage is about experiencing life and experiencing it all with a partner by your side. Carter is my person. He is the one I chose almost fifteen years ago and have continued to do so repeatedly.
So yes, marriage is hard, but the hardest part of marriage is how exhausting it can feel to make the same choice over and over…the choice to choose one another.
Some days that choice is easy, and some days that choice is hard, but every day that choice is worth it.
How Dare You Offend Me
In our world today, we have many outlets to share our views. With that comes many opportunities to feel offended by the opinions that we hear. When we are offended, it is easy to make the choice to treat others poorly.
How do we react when we find ourselves offended by the opinions and actions of others?...
In our world today, we have many outlets to share our views. With that comes many opportunities to feel offended by the opinions that we hear. When we are offended, it is easy to make the choice to treat others poorly.
How do we react when we find ourselves offended by the opinions and actions of others?
Have you ever sat back and watched an offended person speak their mind? An offended voice draws in two types of people, the people that strongly agree and strongly disagree. No one is looking to change their own opinion or learn from one another. It’s just two sides, looking to prove their points and for people to agree with them.
When we are offended, we aren’t concerned with finding a resolution. We only care about being right. Interestingly, it feels like we have accomplished something after we go on a rant, but what have we really accomplished? Being offended gives us a false sense of being productive.
We need to clear something up. Merely being offended does not make us right. Being offended simply makes us opinionated. Also, contrary to popular behavior, being offended does not justify us to say whatever we want. It is not noble to have opinions, it is quite easy actually. It is not hard to get defensive. It is not challenging to be angry.
When we are offended, we look down on others who don’t agree with us. May I ask, what makes us right all the time? Being offended isn’t a matter of opinion. Being offended is a matter of pride.
An offended heart says,
“How dare you have a different opinion than me and share it in my presence.”
An offended voice doesn’t bring peace, it brings chaos. Each voice is louder than the next, because that’s what offense does, it escalates emotions and situations.
When disagreeing, some people express themselves more effectively than others. Many people have great things to say but use a horrible delivery system. Some of the most beautiful causes are being lost because of an offended voice. May I suggest that when expressing ourselves, we use our words with kindness, hope, and love? May I suggest that using a tone of intolerance, frustration and annoyance will not bring the change that we are hoping for?
The way we treat people that we disagree with says a lot about our character, I would suggest that it says more about us than our opinions themselves.
The response of an offended man says more about the offended man than the offense.
Over and over, I am told that I should not value a company, a faith, a person, or an opinion because it is different than mine. I’m not suggesting that we stop having opinions. Actually, I believe we should embrace our opinions while respecting theirs.
There are many dividing lines that are being made in the world right now, and everyone is demanding that we pick a side. This is perfectly fine, but I will not stand on a side and call everyone else stupid. I refuse. We all have topics that we are very passionate about, but I believe that how we treat the people on the other side of that line matters.
We must choose to respect people, even if we cannot relate to them.
Our opinions tell a story of the life that we have lived. They tell of our relationships, our hopes, our hurts, our disappointments and our hardships. Our views are a product of our experiences. We all see the world differently, and that is a beautiful thing.
I want to be able to live alongside people who don’t agree with me. I want to choose to show kindness, even when it’s hard. I will show you respect not because you agree with me, but because I value you.
I have great friends that I completely disagree with on faith, politics, parenting, family, work and many other things in life.
You know what? I don’t care.
I don’t need them to agree with me.
I believe they are living what they think is best for them and their family. Even though I see things differently, I respect their experiences and views. I am not trying to manipulate them to believe the things I believe.
I value them for being them.
I am enjoying them, today, with all of our differences in the way we see the world. Giving them the grace to be where they are, as I hope they are giving to me.
Perhaps the greatest change we can bring to this world is not our opinions, but our love.
Who Are You? Only Conflict Will Tell.
My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.
Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….
My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.
Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….
I acted like it didn’t bother me.
At times, I have tried to push down my hurt and wait for my feelings to disappear. It seems like I should be able to “will” myself not to care, but I can’t because I do. We must understand that not dealing with conflict doesn’t mean we aren’t having any, it just means that we are living in denial. Don’t deny your pain, understand it. Hurt and pain that is left unaddressed will eventually change into bitterness, don’t let that happen.
Trying to avoid conflict will lead us to a very lonely place. Relationships with people come with conflict, if we can’t learn to navigate through it, we will find ourselves leaving a lot relationships.
I found someone who agreed with me.
I used to call a friend/s who would tell me that I was completely right in the situation and the other person was completely wrong. This conversation was always full of emotion and would always focus on the other person’s problems. Ultimately, I stopped dealing with conflict in this way because I realized it was not productive. I was avoiding the real issue, avoiding the person, talking behind their back and not getting anything resolved.
I confronted the conflict in my anger.
Unfortunately, there was a time in my life I confronted people in anger. I would pride myself that I had the balls to say what was “needed” and “I wasn’t scared.” I viewed this as a strength. The truth is that I wasn’t some valiant warrior fighting for truth and justice. I was an angry person, who was prideful and unable to control my emotions. Thank God, seriously, thank God that I no longer handle conflict in this way. This type of behavior is extremely selfish and self-centered. It comes from extreme insecurity masked by extreme confidence.
I used to be driven by the belief that there was right and there was wrong and my job was to stand for what was “right”; of course, I put myself as the judge. Interestingly, my opinion always seemed to be “right” and their opinion always seemed to be “wrong”.
So how do I handle conflict now?
First, I acknowledge that I am feeling hurt. I allow myself to be vulnerable. Some people run from vulnerability. My friends, I beg you, don’t run from your vulnerability, run to it. From my view, we need more vulnerability in this world.
Second, I decide if I even have the right to be angry. It is so easy for me to get pissed at things that are none of my business. I often have to tell myself to “just stop it”. I am not the boss of everyone and I do not always know best.
Thirdly, I talk it out with someone that will help ME work through MY emotions. Typically this person is Carter (poor guy, haha), but at times it is someone else. It is always someone who loves me and someone who I can trust with my heart. I tell them everything… I tell them what I am thinking and feeling. I talk about ME. My goal here is to find my peace again. My goal is not to be told that I am right. Actually, the people I go to rarely tell me that I am “right” or that I am “wrong”, most of the time they just listen and offer suggestions of why I may be experiencing these emotions.
Once I have found peace again, I go to the person and I talk, if I need to. Surprisingly, after working through my emotions I often find that I am fine with the situation and don’t need to.