Learning to Value Those I Disagree With
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions.
When I entered into an argument it felt personal. If you rejected my opinions, you rejected me, so I defended "us" with whatever it took. I had one goal and that was to come out as the “winner”. It was very important to me that I “win”.
I used to think that my opinions and I were like two peas in a sweet little pod of "right".
I became a different person during conflict. Arguments would reveal things within me that most of the time I could hide. I didn’t have the skills to remain respectful or kind during conflict. Honestly, I felt like if you were going to challenge me, you didn’t deserve my respect or my kindness… you should know better. (Yeah, I am aware of how horrible that sounds.)
I felt like if you disagreed with me, you didn’t value me. It was no longer about the disagreement.
It was about me and my worth.
I realize now that I used to be able to disregard people’s perceptions so easily because I had a lack of understanding what opinions really were. I used to think that opinions were simple. They were simply right or wrong, good or bad. Now I realize that opinions are as complex as the people that hold them.
Our opinions are wrapped up and filtered through every single experience we have ever had. They are more than just our knowledge. Our opinions give voice to our perception.
Our opinions give voice to our history.
All of us are on a tumultuous journey to try to make sense out of life. Our opinions place words to where we stand in the world today, but tomorrow we may be standing in a new place, with new opinions. Our views are ever changing, at least I hope so.
Our opinions are a product of how we have processed our experiences. For me to expect everyone to experience life the same is silly and for me to expect everyone to process life the same is just crazy.
I may disagree with you, but I should be able to value you regardless. If I cannot value a person, merely because I disagree with them, that is a problem. A big problem.
Now looking back it makes me blush to think about some of the things that I have said in my life, but worse is the attitude with which I would say them. By far, my greatest regrets are the hurtful words that have come out of my mouth. I have said horrible things to people I love over differing opinions. How is that for love?
It is so intriguing to me that I used to hold onto my idealistic ideas stronger than I would hold on to my love.
My opinions are not nearly as important as I used to believe. I no longer believe that every opinion I have is absolutely right or absolutely noble. And I no longer put that pressure on you.
I have now learned that my opinions don't make me special. They are not what make me a wonderful person. My choice to value your voice, even if it is saying something different than mine and my choice to listen to you, hear you and attempt to understand you, are what make me special.
My choice to place high worth on humanity is what makes me a wonderful person.
For me to say your opinions don’t matter is for me to say your experiences don’t matter, and if your experiences don’t matter than your life doesn’t matter. I’m no longer willing to say that. I will, with resolution, respect life.
Perhaps that is the key to why we all fight so hard for our opinions. We are not necessarily fighting for our views, we are fighting to say that our experiences matter, but ultimately we are fighting to say that our lives matter.
While I may not agree with your opinion. I can place value on the life that it has taken you to accumulate them.
Because your life matters… a lot.
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