REDEMPTION UNVEILED
Learning to Value Those I Disagree With
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions. That was then...
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions.
When I entered into an argument it felt personal. If you rejected my opinions, you rejected me, so I defended "us" with whatever it took. I had one goal and that was to come out as the “winner”. It was very important to me that I “win”.
I used to think that my opinions and I were like two peas in a sweet little pod of "right".
I became a different person during conflict. Arguments would reveal things within me that most of the time I could hide. I didn’t have the skills to remain respectful or kind during conflict. Honestly, I felt like if you were going to challenge me, you didn’t deserve my respect or my kindness… you should know better. (Yeah, I am aware of how horrible that sounds.)
I felt like if you disagreed with me, you didn’t value me. It was no longer about the disagreement.
It was about me and my worth.
I realize now that I used to be able to disregard people’s perceptions so easily because I had a lack of understanding what opinions really were. I used to think that opinions were simple. They were simply right or wrong, good or bad. Now I realize that opinions are as complex as the people that hold them.
Our opinions are wrapped up and filtered through every single experience we have ever had. They are more than just our knowledge. Our opinions give voice to our perception.
Our opinions give voice to our history.
All of us are on a tumultuous journey to try to make sense out of life. Our opinions place words to where we stand in the world today, but tomorrow we may be standing in a new place, with new opinions. Our views are ever changing, at least I hope so.
Our opinions are a product of how we have processed our experiences. For me to expect everyone to experience life the same is silly and for me to expect everyone to process life the same is just crazy.
I may disagree with you, but I should be able to value you regardless. If I cannot value a person, merely because I disagree with them, that is a problem. A big problem.
Now looking back it makes me blush to think about some of the things that I have said in my life, but worse is the attitude with which I would say them. By far, my greatest regrets are the hurtful words that have come out of my mouth. I have said horrible things to people I love over differing opinions. How is that for love?
It is so intriguing to me that I used to hold onto my idealistic ideas stronger than I would hold on to my love.
My opinions are not nearly as important as I used to believe. I no longer believe that every opinion I have is absolutely right or absolutely noble. And I no longer put that pressure on you.
I have now learned that my opinions don't make me special. They are not what make me a wonderful person. My choice to value your voice, even if it is saying something different than mine and my choice to listen to you, hear you and attempt to understand you, are what make me special.
My choice to place high worth on humanity is what makes me a wonderful person.
For me to say your opinions don’t matter is for me to say your experiences don’t matter, and if your experiences don’t matter than your life doesn’t matter. I’m no longer willing to say that. I will, with resolution, respect life.
Perhaps that is the key to why we all fight so hard for our opinions. We are not necessarily fighting for our views, we are fighting to say that our experiences matter, but ultimately we are fighting to say that our lives matter.
While I may not agree with your opinion. I can place value on the life that it has taken you to accumulate them.
Because your life matters… a lot.
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That Awkward Moment When... Someone Tells You They Don't Like You
How do you respond when someone tells you that they do not like you? Well... this has happened to me several times through my life and I finally have a solution for this awkward experience! Watch it here...
When Others "Cause" My Problems
When I have frustrations in my life, my first instinct is to look around and find the source of my frustration. This usually ends in me finding the person responsible. Someone must be at fault, right? And it isn’t me. I then put my frustration on that person, whether in secret or to their face.
Only recently have I realized how truly unproductive this process actually is. This way of handling things is focused primarily on one thing and that is…
blame.
When I have frustrations in my life, my first instinct is to look around and find the source of my frustration. This usually ends in me finding the person responsible. Someone must be at fault, right? (And it isn’t me.) I then put my frustration on that person, whether in secret or to their face.
Only recently have I realized how truly unproductive this process actually is. This way of handling things is focused primarily on one thing and that is…
blame.
You see, I don’t like to be frustrated. I don’t like it if things don’t go the way that I thought they would or should. I don’t like it if someone is mean to me or rude to me. I don’t like it when people disappoint me. And I don’t like it when I feel that I have been “wronged”.
“They made me mad.”
“They hurt my feelings.”
“They made me frustrated.”
If only they would change, I wouldn’t have these problems because... well...
they are the problem.
I’m sure some of you are thinking… "Gosh, this girl has issues." (Which is totally true.)
I naturally think I am right all the time. I understand myself and my opinions make sense to me. It is not natural for me to question my emotions.
But what if my frustration wasn’t all about them?
What if the reason I was mad had more to do with my history than our present? What if the reason that I was so hurt had more to do with my insecurities than their actions? What if I was so frustrated because somewhere within myself is a child that believes I should get everything I want when I want it?
When we are feeling upset, instead of placing blame on someone else, we should sit down in front of the mirror and look at the reflection in front of us. We should not avoid this person. We should try to understand this person.
This person matters.
Our most frustrated, broken moments often reveal the most precious, vulnerable, interesting, and difficult things about ourselves.
It is vital that we look at ourselves during the times that we feel upset. If we don't, we will miss out on so many opportunities to learn who we are.
Many times, my feelings have little to do with the current situation I am in, and I find myself surprised by what is really upsetting me. It is often my undealt with hurt from a situation in my past. I can be surprised by my hate, anger, hurts, emotions, opinions, and frustration. Instead of making it all about them, I now ask, “What does this say about me?”
I learn more about myself when I am upset than I ever could when I am not.
My life is no longer a battle to prove to anyone that I am right. Being right is no longer my goal. My goal now is to be in peace. I am now living my life to grow, to heal, and to change. I am living this life to learn.
I am no longer scared of my brokenness. I no longer run from it. I embrace it. I want to know who I am, I want to know why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I do. I am getting to know myself, in all of my strength and all of my weakness.
My frustrations in life are no longer a “problem”.
They are an opportunity.
Next time you find yourself upset, hurt or angry. I invite you to do something that feels really wrong. I invite you to pause. I invite you to resist the urge to blame others for your emotions. I invite you to get to know yourself in a new way. I invite you to learn.
I invite you, my friend, to heal.
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How Dare You Offend Me
In our world today, we have many outlets to share our views. With that comes many opportunities to feel offended by the opinions that we hear. When we are offended, it is easy to make the choice to treat others poorly.
How do we react when we find ourselves offended by the opinions and actions of others?...
In our world today, we have many outlets to share our views. With that comes many opportunities to feel offended by the opinions that we hear. When we are offended, it is easy to make the choice to treat others poorly.
How do we react when we find ourselves offended by the opinions and actions of others?
Have you ever sat back and watched an offended person speak their mind? An offended voice draws in two types of people, the people that strongly agree and strongly disagree. No one is looking to change their own opinion or learn from one another. It’s just two sides, looking to prove their points and for people to agree with them.
When we are offended, we aren’t concerned with finding a resolution. We only care about being right. Interestingly, it feels like we have accomplished something after we go on a rant, but what have we really accomplished? Being offended gives us a false sense of being productive.
We need to clear something up. Merely being offended does not make us right. Being offended simply makes us opinionated. Also, contrary to popular behavior, being offended does not justify us to say whatever we want. It is not noble to have opinions, it is quite easy actually. It is not hard to get defensive. It is not challenging to be angry.
When we are offended, we look down on others who don’t agree with us. May I ask, what makes us right all the time? Being offended isn’t a matter of opinion. Being offended is a matter of pride.
An offended heart says,
“How dare you have a different opinion than me and share it in my presence.”
An offended voice doesn’t bring peace, it brings chaos. Each voice is louder than the next, because that’s what offense does, it escalates emotions and situations.
When disagreeing, some people express themselves more effectively than others. Many people have great things to say but use a horrible delivery system. Some of the most beautiful causes are being lost because of an offended voice. May I suggest that when expressing ourselves, we use our words with kindness, hope, and love? May I suggest that using a tone of intolerance, frustration and annoyance will not bring the change that we are hoping for?
The way we treat people that we disagree with says a lot about our character, I would suggest that it says more about us than our opinions themselves.
The response of an offended man says more about the offended man than the offense.
Over and over, I am told that I should not value a company, a faith, a person, or an opinion because it is different than mine. I’m not suggesting that we stop having opinions. Actually, I believe we should embrace our opinions while respecting theirs.
There are many dividing lines that are being made in the world right now, and everyone is demanding that we pick a side. This is perfectly fine, but I will not stand on a side and call everyone else stupid. I refuse. We all have topics that we are very passionate about, but I believe that how we treat the people on the other side of that line matters.
We must choose to respect people, even if we cannot relate to them.
Our opinions tell a story of the life that we have lived. They tell of our relationships, our hopes, our hurts, our disappointments and our hardships. Our views are a product of our experiences. We all see the world differently, and that is a beautiful thing.
I want to be able to live alongside people who don’t agree with me. I want to choose to show kindness, even when it’s hard. I will show you respect not because you agree with me, but because I value you.
I have great friends that I completely disagree with on faith, politics, parenting, family, work and many other things in life.
You know what? I don’t care.
I don’t need them to agree with me.
I believe they are living what they think is best for them and their family. Even though I see things differently, I respect their experiences and views. I am not trying to manipulate them to believe the things I believe.
I value them for being them.
I am enjoying them, today, with all of our differences in the way we see the world. Giving them the grace to be where they are, as I hope they are giving to me.
Perhaps the greatest change we can bring to this world is not our opinions, but our love.
Who Are You? Only Conflict Will Tell.
My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.
Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….
My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.
Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….
I acted like it didn’t bother me.
At times, I have tried to push down my hurt and wait for my feelings to disappear. It seems like I should be able to “will” myself not to care, but I can’t because I do. We must understand that not dealing with conflict doesn’t mean we aren’t having any, it just means that we are living in denial. Don’t deny your pain, understand it. Hurt and pain that is left unaddressed will eventually change into bitterness, don’t let that happen.
Trying to avoid conflict will lead us to a very lonely place. Relationships with people come with conflict, if we can’t learn to navigate through it, we will find ourselves leaving a lot relationships.
I found someone who agreed with me.
I used to call a friend/s who would tell me that I was completely right in the situation and the other person was completely wrong. This conversation was always full of emotion and would always focus on the other person’s problems. Ultimately, I stopped dealing with conflict in this way because I realized it was not productive. I was avoiding the real issue, avoiding the person, talking behind their back and not getting anything resolved.
I confronted the conflict in my anger.
Unfortunately, there was a time in my life I confronted people in anger. I would pride myself that I had the balls to say what was “needed” and “I wasn’t scared.” I viewed this as a strength. The truth is that I wasn’t some valiant warrior fighting for truth and justice. I was an angry person, who was prideful and unable to control my emotions. Thank God, seriously, thank God that I no longer handle conflict in this way. This type of behavior is extremely selfish and self-centered. It comes from extreme insecurity masked by extreme confidence.
I used to be driven by the belief that there was right and there was wrong and my job was to stand for what was “right”; of course, I put myself as the judge. Interestingly, my opinion always seemed to be “right” and their opinion always seemed to be “wrong”.
So how do I handle conflict now?
First, I acknowledge that I am feeling hurt. I allow myself to be vulnerable. Some people run from vulnerability. My friends, I beg you, don’t run from your vulnerability, run to it. From my view, we need more vulnerability in this world.
Second, I decide if I even have the right to be angry. It is so easy for me to get pissed at things that are none of my business. I often have to tell myself to “just stop it”. I am not the boss of everyone and I do not always know best.
Thirdly, I talk it out with someone that will help ME work through MY emotions. Typically this person is Carter (poor guy, haha), but at times it is someone else. It is always someone who loves me and someone who I can trust with my heart. I tell them everything… I tell them what I am thinking and feeling. I talk about ME. My goal here is to find my peace again. My goal is not to be told that I am right. Actually, the people I go to rarely tell me that I am “right” or that I am “wrong”, most of the time they just listen and offer suggestions of why I may be experiencing these emotions.
Once I have found peace again, I go to the person and I talk, if I need to. Surprisingly, after working through my emotions I often find that I am fine with the situation and don’t need to.