Ten Things to Know About Manipulators {From a Recovering, Insecure, Manipulative Control Freak}

 Many people do not realize that I am a recovering control freak who was born with a natural ability to manipulate people.

From the time I was little, I can remember watching people, listening, and learning how people reacted to certain things. From parents to teachers, to friends, I liked to read people and once I did, I learned how to give them what they wanted for one primary reason... so that I could get what I wanted. 

Being a manipulator means you are aware of how other people function and use it to your advantage.

 Here are a few ways to identify a manipulator
(from my experience of being one):

1- Manipulators are "givers". 

It is important to understand that a manipulative person is often a very giving person. Particularly in the beginning of a relationship. However, manipulators are very wise and thoughtful about what they give to others.

I don't mean only material gifts, although that certainly can be a way to manipulate. I mean things like time, attention, flattery and affection. Manipulators do not mind giving. They see it as tool to get what they want from you.

Remember this: They will only give you what you want as long as it doesn't compromise their primary goal... what they want.

2- Manipulators are selfish.

How can I make the blanket statement that ALL manipulators are selfish? Well, through the years, I have learned that manipulating someone I "love" without explaining to them what I am doing is not love.

When I choose to manipulate someone, I do so for only one person.

Myself.

Remember this: You will often hear manipulative people talk about how much they care about other people. 

3- Manipulators distance themselves from other manipulators.

Manipulative people will surround themselves with non-manipulative people. To be around other manipulators runs the risk of a power struggle and manipulators do not like to struggle for their power.

Remember this: Manipulators like to feel in control. They do NOT like it if someone else tries to manipulate them but hate it, even more, when someone tries to manipulate someone they felt they had control over.

4- Manipulators learn how to isolate people from one another.

If you begin a relationship with a manipulative person and they realize someone in your life who is not supportive of them, they will begin to cause tension between you and that person.

They will do this strategically. They will plant small seeds of frustration so that you believe it is actually your idea to distance yourself.

Remember this: They will often use ideas of "you deserve better". Of course, what they mean is that they are "better".

5- Manipulative people often present themselves as being "go with the flow" type people.

They will often say things like "I am really easygoing" or "I don't care". Manipulators use this tactic to keep targets off of their backs.

If a manipulator presents themselves as being easygoing, then it becomes very difficult for people to blame them for manipulation.

A "go with the flow" type of person doesn't care enough to try to control someone else. Right??

Remember this: Manipulative people can say they are laid back; however, manipulators have a very difficult time controlling themselves if their control begins to be challenged. Watch out for this.

6- Manipulators are always insecure.

This may seem like a reach, but let me tell you. It is true. The need to manipulate and the need to control people and circumstances comes from fear. They fear that if they aren't in control, then something may happen to them that they aren't prepared for. 

Remember this: The control gives them a false sense of security; however, it should never take controlling another person to make a person feel secure. 

7- Manipulators are master presenters. 

The best skill that a manipulator has is their presentation. A great manipulator has learned the *art* of presenting what they want people to know in a very specific manner.

Nothing is said without thought.

It is all part of the "presentation". Manipulators are very careful to not let people see ugly parts of themselves. 

Remember this: No one can be in *presenter* mode forever. The closer you get to a manipulator the more you will feel you need to be a part of the *show* that they present. You will find yourself defending them and even describing them in ways that aren't reality. 

8- Manipulators are afraid to be alone.

No one wants to be alone or rejected. Manipulators use their *gift* to ensure that they won't be. They will use their presentation skills to appear perfect so that people will love them. 

A manipulator will always have a response when someone rejects them. There most certainly will be a level of retaliation. They will use their skill to show others why that person is not worthy of love.

Remember this: When distancing yourself from a controlling relationship, be sure that you do so wisely and in a way that does not put you in harm. Reach out for help and support.

9- Manipulators Often seem very supportive of your choices. (But there is a catch.)

Surprisingly, one of the most common ways that manipulators manipulate is to convince people that a choice was their choice all along. 

A manipulator *masters* the ability to make decisions for other people before the other person even realizes there was a choice.

Manipulators can be some of the most supportive friends in the world... as long as you choose what they want you to choose.

A manipulator struggles when they feel out of control; even a simple change of course that they didn't see coming can cause them stress. 

Remember this: In a healthy relationship a true friend will support you to make your own choices. Even if they disagree with you, they should not try to control you..

10- The one thing that will GET a person to stop MANIPULATING

There is one thing and one thing only that can stop a person from manipulating other people.

They have to decide for THEMSELVES to stop.

No amount of vulnerability, begging, hoping, pleading can get a person to live an honest life. The only person who can choose to do so is them. It is hard to live an open and honest life and it is beyond scary to live vulnerably. Many people will never choose to do so. Many will forever use the buffer of presentation to protect themselves from rejection. 

And then, of course, there are those people who love the game of it all. They are not interested in experiencing real love, they just want control.

Remember this: Unfortunately, a manipulator has to be ready to do this for themselves. 

So what made me realize that manipulation was not how I wanted to live?

Simple.

I experienced love.

Real love.

With honesty, vulnerability, kindness, care, and respect. I slowly realized how incapable of love I was. I had used manipulation on some level in almost every relationship that I had. I began to take the journey of learning how to have healthy relationships. Relationships where I respect others’ right to make choices for themselves and I trust my friends enough to be honest about who I am.

I had to come face to face with the shame of my imperfections.

 I chose to embrace that other people’s choices were (or at least should be) out of my control, and I had to learn to confront the fear that people I love may leave me if/when I fail.

I had to learn to accept the broken, insecure, vulnerable, amazing person that I am.

Letting go of my skill to manipulate is maybe one of the proudest things I have done in my life. It has opened up my life to experiencing the kind of love that I have always longed for and always hoped to find. 

I can be me.

But most importantly I can support you to be you.

With no strings attached.

Much love and many blessings.

-Haley

Losing Myself in the Performance

I was in sixth grade the first time that an acquaintance told me that she didn’t like me. Nothing had happened between us. Just me being “me” was enough to arouse in her a very strong feeling of frustration and annoyance, and she needed me to be aware of it.

I was eleven years old.

So, I guess I could tell you that it was also in sixth grade that I began to perform for the world to accept me. I began to try to be what other people wanted me to be.

This was the first time that I was told that I rubbed people the wrong way, but this wouldn’t be the last. I have heard this statement repeated, in many various forms, since then. Not only whispered through the grapevine, but straight to my face.

Don’t be so loud.

Be friendlier.

Smile more, but don’t come off fake.

Don’t be so happy all of the time, it is annoying.

Don’t come off too ‘judgy’.

Wave at more people.

Don’t walk like you walk.

Talk more.

Talk less.

Don’t be so opinionated.

When I ask for advice, don’t act like you know everything. Just listen.

Sometimes you rub people the wrong way. Don’t.

You need to change because you being “you” is annoying.

I wasn’t exactly sure what everyone was wanting, but I tried to listen and make myself more of who they expected me to be. I began to live my life for them. Despite my best effort, it seemed that no one was even recognizing all of the “wonderful” changes I was making.

No one seemed to be noticing my modifications, except I was detecting something very scary. The more I tried to be who I thought everyone wanted, the more I compromised who I was. I could feel it inside of me. I was losing my passion for life and it started to scare me.

I was beginning to lose myself.

I had been told that being “me” was wrong, but it seemed impossible for me to be anyone else. So what is a girl to do? If I could only be myself or be what everyone wanted me to me? I was going to have to make a choice…

I chose to be me.

It is so easy to feel like we should be able to make everyone happy with who we are. For some reason, it feels important to listen to negative feedback and make changes. In some cases, it is important. When people I love and people who love me come to me with something, it is vitally important that I listen to them. I must hear what they are saying and where they are coming from. The people who love me, love me. They want the best for me and will speak to me in a way that allows me an opportunity to grow, but not to compromise the love I have for myself.

I no longer entertain the hateful comments casually said about who I am and I no longer listen to people who choose to shame me for being me.

And you should not listen to those who choose to shame you for being you.

You are a living, breathing, quirky, funny, awkward being who is different than every other living being on this earth. You have a distinctive way of expressing the things inside of you. The unique things inside of you are the very things that should be treasured and protected, not hid.

We are all under an immense pressure to perform to what others believe we should be.  Let’s not live our life trying to please the people who just want us to be their puppet.

We are not meant to be a puppet.

I have lost myself at times in the performance. I have put forth way too much effort and time into performing for people that were never going to be happy with my dance. 

When we try to do the dance that others expect of us, it exhausts us.

People will look at us and judge how we live. Let them look. Let them judge, but let’s not perform for them. Let’s not try to be anything. Let's just be us.  I guarantee that some people will tell us that we are too much and some people will tell us that we are not enough; however, I am here to tell you differently.

You are just right.

Let them do their dance.

You do yours.

The world needs more people that are willing to live the life that they have inside of them.

We are waiting for you.

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When Others "Cause" My Problems

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When I have frustrations in my life, my first instinct is to look around and find the source of my frustration. This usually ends in me finding the person responsible. Someone must be at fault, right? (And it isn’t me.) I then put my frustration on that person, whether in secret or to their face.

Only recently have I realized how truly unproductive this process actually is. This way of handling things is focused primarily on one thing and that is…

blame.

You see, I don’t like to be frustrated. I don’t like it if things don’t go the way that I thought they would or should. I don’t like it if someone is mean to me or rude to me. I don’t like it when people disappoint me. And I don’t like it when I feel that I have been “wronged”.

“They made me mad.”

“They hurt my feelings.”

“They made me frustrated.”

If only they would change, I wouldn’t have these problems because... well... 

they are the problem.

I’m sure some of you are thinking… "Gosh, this girl has issues." (Which is totally true.)

I naturally think I am right all the time. I understand myself and my opinions make sense to me. It is not natural for me to question my emotions.

But what if my frustration wasn’t all about them?

What if the reason I was mad had more to do with my history than our present? What if the reason that I was so hurt had more to do with my insecurities than their actions? What if I was so frustrated because somewhere within myself is a child that believes I should get everything I want when I want it?

When we are feeling upset, instead of placing blame on someone else, we should sit down in front of the mirror and look at the reflection in front of us. We should not avoid this person. We should try to understand this person.

This person matters.

Our most frustrated, broken moments often reveal the most precious, vulnerable, interesting, and difficult things about ourselves.

It is vital that we look at ourselves during the times that we feel upset. If we don't, we will miss out on so many opportunities to learn who we are.

Many times, my feelings have little to do with the current situation I am in, and I find myself surprised by what is really upsetting me. It is often my undealt with hurt from a situation in my past. I can be surprised by my hate, anger, hurts, emotions, opinions, and frustration. Instead of making it all about them, I now ask, “What does this say about me?”

I learn more about myself when I am upset than I ever could when I am not.

My life is no longer a battle to prove to anyone that I am right. Being right is no longer my goal. My goal now is to be in peace. I am now living my life to grow, to heal, and to change. I am living this life to learn.

I am no longer scared of my brokenness. I no longer run from it. I embrace it. I want to know who I am, I want to know why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I do. I am getting to know myself, in all of my strength and all of my weakness.

My frustrations in life are no longer a “problem”.

They are an opportunity.

Next time you find yourself upset, hurt or angry. I invite you to do something that feels really wrong. I invite you to pause. I invite you to resist the urge to blame others for your emotions. I invite you to get to know yourself in a new way. I invite you to learn.

I invite you, my friend, to heal.

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My Search for Approval

Taken by Studio 951

After Carter and I got married, I remember being a tad disappointed. I thought that once we got married, it would be my final step in my journey of feeling love, acceptance and approval. But even after we got married, I still had plenty of days that I felt like I wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t pretty enough, funny enough, sexy enough… so on and so forth.

I remember talking to him and telling him that I needed him to tell me more often how beautiful I was or how great of a wife I was. Funny thing about Carter, he just doesn’t think like that. Don’t get me wrong. My husband is a wonderfully kind man, but he isn’t super “talkative” about how he feels all of the time.

He would try, but I began to have the realization that it was never going to be enough.

If he told me that I looked beautiful, I thought “why didn’t he say sexy?” If he told me in the morning, by the evening I wondered why he hadn’t said it again. If he told me twice, I needed to hear it three times.

The point is that no matter how many times he affirmed his love and attraction for me, I still questioned it.

I felt like I needed more from him.

One day I woke up and decided I was not going to depend on my husband (or anyone else) to give me my confidence. It wasn’t good for my marriage, and it wasn’t working anyway.

Since that day, I have been on a journey of realizing that no one else can give me love for myself. We, alone, hold the keys to appreciating who we are and what we look like. No one can give us self-confidence. We must choose to take that journey for ourselves.

Have you ever noticed that if someone tells you “great job” or “you are looking great today”, it feels so great? In that moment, you feel confident and happy with yourself. But then the next day comes and you feel like crap because no one has said anything positive about you? (OR, heaven forbid, they have said something NEGATIVE!)

No matter how wonderful our husband is, or our girlfriend, or our parents, or our friends, or our children, their words will never be enough to make us confident. Of course, it is wonderful to hear kind words spoken about who we are. But no matter how many kind words are spoken to us, it is never enough to give us lasting confidence.

I am a firm believer that this is because we are searching for outward words to cure an inward condition.

I am still on this journey of fully understanding and appreciating myself, but I am not where I once was and for that I am thankful. It has been so good for ALL of my relationships since I have released them from the responsibility of making me a confident person.

 It is not anyone else’s job to walk me on the journey to appreciating who I am. It is not fair (to any of us) to put my confidence in others’ hands. That’s not how it is supposed to work.

If you are still relying on others to give you confidence, I invite you to begin your own journey to confidence. We must choose to embrace who we are and move forward regardless of what others say, positive or negative.

We are not born with an unconditional love for our personality or our looks.

We must choose it.

Maybe you will be surprised to find that the love and appreciation you have been searching for begins with the person who has been there all along… yourself.

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I Am Insecure: Part Two {Avoid It and It Goes Away, Right?}

Welcome back to our “I Am Insecure” series! We are happy to have you here! If you are just now joining us, please be sure to check-out week one of our series, Find Your Person, before you read this! You will be glad that you did!

Week Two

 how do we react to our insecurities?

Once upon a time, I had a small leak under my faucet. I didn’t know how to fix it, so I decided to close the cabinet doors and not mess with it. Out of sight, out of mind. Later, I realized the water was beginning to leak out of the cabinet. So I found a rug and placed it in front of the cabinet to absorb the water. It instantly seemed better. Weeks later, I thought the floor might be becoming soft, but I figured it was fine. Months went by and one day, while standing at the sink, I fell through the floor completely. So what did I do? I found a bigger, thicker rug to lay over the hole. Then I stood in front of the sink to make sure that no one would ever come close enough to see the hole.

Growing up, this is how I handled my insecurities...

I avoided them.

If something inside of me made me feel uncomfortable, I tried to hide it. I pushed it down, and it would eventually go away… for a while. When it came back, I would find a new way to cover it.

I viewed my insecurities as a bad thing, because they made me feel vulnerable, and my vulnerability made me feel uncomfortable.

When I felt insecure, I handled it in a variety of ways… At times, I would ignore the feelings and just “wait it out” until I eventually stopped feeling upset. Or sometimes, I would try to convince people that I didn’t care. Other times, I would try to divert attention by getting angry and placing the blame on someone else. “If they would’ve just… I would not have…”  

Now I realize I was looking at it all wrong. I was spending all of my energy covering up my areas of imperfection, and nothing was actually being changed within me.

I have learned that the longer I ignore my insecurities, the larger they become.

I no longer try to hide my insecurities... instead, I challenge myself to deal with them. Whether we deal with them or not, our insecurities are a part of us. When we avoid them, we are missing out on opportunities to grow. It feels unnatural to look at the areas of ourselves that need work, but we must.

I believe that discovering my potential is worth the awkward experience of facing my imperfections. We must learn who we actually are, in all of our glory and in all of our mess.

It is difficult to face our insecurities but funny enough, our choice to accept and confront our insecurity is the very thing that will bring us to security.

WEEK TWO CHALLENGE:

Think about how you view your insecurities. Do you view your insecurities as failures? When you feel insecure, do you address it or deny it? In the past, how have you dealt with situations that have made you feel insecure? Who have you talked to about it?

If you happen to have a moment of insecurity this week, be sure to pay close attention to how you instinctually want to deal with the situation. Don’t forget to touch base with “your person” and discuss all of the things you are learning about yourself!

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