Ten Things to Know About Manipulators {From a Recovering, Insecure, Manipulative Control Freak}
Many people do not realize that I am a recovering control freak who was born with a natural ability to manipulate people.
From the time I was little, I can remember watching people, listening, and learning how people reacted to certain things. From parents to teachers, to friends, I liked to read people and once I did, I learned how to give them what they wanted for one primary reason... so that I could get what I wanted.
Being a manipulator means you are aware of how other people function and use it to your advantage.
Here are a few ways to identify a manipulator
(from my experience of being one):
1- Manipulators are "givers".
It is important to understand that a manipulative person is often a very giving person. Particularly in the beginning of a relationship. However, manipulators are very wise and thoughtful about what they give to others.
I don't mean only material gifts, although that certainly can be a way to manipulate. I mean things like time, attention, flattery and affection. Manipulators do not mind giving. They see it as tool to get what they want from you.
Remember this: They will only give you what you want as long as it doesn't compromise their primary goal... what they want.
2- Manipulators are selfish.
How can I make the blanket statement that ALL manipulators are selfish? Well, through the years, I have learned that manipulating someone I "love" without explaining to them what I am doing is not love.
When I choose to manipulate someone, I do so for only one person.
Myself.
Remember this: You will often hear manipulative people talk about how much they care about other people.
3- Manipulators distance themselves from other manipulators.
Manipulative people will surround themselves with non-manipulative people. To be around other manipulators runs the risk of a power struggle and manipulators do not like to struggle for their power.
Remember this: Manipulators like to feel in control. They do NOT like it if someone else tries to manipulate them but hate it, even more, when someone tries to manipulate someone they felt they had control over.
4- Manipulators learn how to isolate people from one another.
If you begin a relationship with a manipulative person and they realize someone in your life who is not supportive of them, they will begin to cause tension between you and that person.
They will do this strategically. They will plant small seeds of frustration so that you believe it is actually your idea to distance yourself.
Remember this: They will often use ideas of "you deserve better". Of course, what they mean is that they are "better".
5- Manipulative people often present themselves as being "go with the flow" type people.
They will often say things like "I am really easygoing" or "I don't care". Manipulators use this tactic to keep targets off of their backs.
If a manipulator presents themselves as being easygoing, then it becomes very difficult for people to blame them for manipulation.
A "go with the flow" type of person doesn't care enough to try to control someone else. Right??
Remember this: Manipulative people can say they are laid back; however, manipulators have a very difficult time controlling themselves if their control begins to be challenged. Watch out for this.
6- Manipulators are always insecure.
This may seem like a reach, but let me tell you. It is true. The need to manipulate and the need to control people and circumstances comes from fear. They fear that if they aren't in control, then something may happen to them that they aren't prepared for.
Remember this: The control gives them a false sense of security; however, it should never take controlling another person to make a person feel secure.
7- Manipulators are master presenters.
The best skill that a manipulator has is their presentation. A great manipulator has learned the *art* of presenting what they want people to know in a very specific manner.
Nothing is said without thought.
It is all part of the "presentation". Manipulators are very careful to not let people see ugly parts of themselves.
Remember this: No one can be in *presenter* mode forever. The closer you get to a manipulator the more you will feel you need to be a part of the *show* that they present. You will find yourself defending them and even describing them in ways that aren't reality.
8- Manipulators are afraid to be alone.
No one wants to be alone or rejected. Manipulators use their *gift* to ensure that they won't be. They will use their presentation skills to appear perfect so that people will love them.
A manipulator will always have a response when someone rejects them. There most certainly will be a level of retaliation. They will use their skill to show others why that person is not worthy of love.
Remember this: When distancing yourself from a controlling relationship, be sure that you do so wisely and in a way that does not put you in harm. Reach out for help and support.
9- Manipulators Often seem very supportive of your choices. (But there is a catch.)
Surprisingly, one of the most common ways that manipulators manipulate is to convince people that a choice was their choice all along.
A manipulator *masters* the ability to make decisions for other people before the other person even realizes there was a choice.
Manipulators can be some of the most supportive friends in the world... as long as you choose what they want you to choose.
A manipulator struggles when they feel out of control; even a simple change of course that they didn't see coming can cause them stress.
Remember this: In a healthy relationship a true friend will support you to make your own choices. Even if they disagree with you, they should not try to control you..
10- The one thing that will GET a person to stop MANIPULATING
There is one thing and one thing only that can stop a person from manipulating other people.
They have to decide for THEMSELVES to stop.
No amount of vulnerability, begging, hoping, pleading can get a person to live an honest life. The only person who can choose to do so is them. It is hard to live an open and honest life and it is beyond scary to live vulnerably. Many people will never choose to do so. Many will forever use the buffer of presentation to protect themselves from rejection.
And then, of course, there are those people who love the game of it all. They are not interested in experiencing real love, they just want control.
Remember this: Unfortunately, a manipulator has to be ready to do this for themselves.
So what made me realize that manipulation was not how I wanted to live?
Simple.
I experienced love.
Real love.
With honesty, vulnerability, kindness, care, and respect. I slowly realized how incapable of love I was. I had used manipulation on some level in almost every relationship that I had. I began to take the journey of learning how to have healthy relationships. Relationships where I respect others’ right to make choices for themselves and I trust my friends enough to be honest about who I am.
I had to come face to face with the shame of my imperfections.
I chose to embrace that other people’s choices were (or at least should be) out of my control, and I had to learn to confront the fear that people I love may leave me if/when I fail.
I had to learn to accept the broken, insecure, vulnerable, amazing person that I am.
Letting go of my skill to manipulate is maybe one of the proudest things I have done in my life. It has opened up my life to experiencing the kind of love that I have always longed for and always hoped to find.