Beauty from Ashes- A Redemption Story

This is a post that I wrote in 2016 after our house caught on fire. It is a beautiful thing to look back and see what God did through all of this horrible experience.

“Well… our house is on fire.”

Carter isn’t one for jokes and the statement seemed surprisingly calm. Too calm.

I heard him clearly, but still felt puzzled. Instinctively I replied,

“What? What did you say?”

 “Our house is on fire.”

Again calm, but a bit shakier. He didn’t have to explain. Somewhere in my gut I just knew… it was serious.

“Did you call 911?”

“Yes.” He stated.

“I’m coming.”

I was in my brother’s bathroom trying on some jeans at a rummage sale. It had been an uneventful day… until now. I ran outside and told my brother “I need you to drive me home. Now. Our house is on fire.”

It took me less than a minute to be on my way.  As we drove on the back country road I saw the fire trucks a couple of miles behind. It was then that I realized we would beat them to our house. I couldn’t help but wonder what I was going to see when I arrived.

My thoughts were interrupted by my brother’s statement,

“Oh shit.”

I looked up and saw it…

The smoke.

It was a lot of smoke.

I had seen this sight a hundred times before, a pillar of smoke in the distance. I can never help but wonder what is causing it. I didn’t wonder this time.

I knew.

This was my house.

This was the house that we bought only five months ago.

This was the house that I had spent every weekend and many weeknights of the past 20 weeks working on. This was the house that we had just painted… and trimmed… and replaced doors… countertops… fans… lighting… and flooring. I had finally chosen my curtains and bedding and was finalizing room décor. This was our fixer-upper… that we were almost done with.

As soon as I saw the smoke, I put my face in my hands and began to sob.

How can this be happening?

This can’t be happening.

But it was.

As we arrived at our home I saw my husband and three sweet babies in our front yard watching our house burn. The flames were pouring out of our children’s playroom.  

As my brother pulled into our front yard, I opened my door and had my foot on the ground before the truck had even stopped.

My babies. I needed to hold my babies.

I ran up to them, hugged them, and thanked God for their safety.

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The firefighters pulled in and we said a quick prayer for them as they began to work. We watched as they quickly got the flames under control and made sure the fire was extinguished. It all happened so fast and quickly it was over.

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The fire was out.

I had never been in a house that had been on fire before. From the outside, I thought the loss would be isolated to one room... but I was wrong. I have heard the term “smoke damage”, but could not have imagined the extent of destruction it caused so quickly.

Our house was destroyed.

As I walked through the house, I couldn’t even process what I saw. There is no way this could be my house. My house was filled with natural light, light-colored walls, and white trim.

It was like I had walked into a nightmare version of my home.

Our normally bright house was a pit of darkness. Even with a flashlight, I could hardly see. The air burned my throat and I had to leave after only a few minutes inside.

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We all stood around for a bit and talked about how thankful we were that everyone was safe and how we all knew everything would work out.

Then one by one everyone said their goodbyes and wished us the best.

Carter and I didn’t know what to do.

What are you supposed to do?

So we just sat in our front yard on a stump, baffled, at what had just happened.

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What had just happened?

This fire had just demolished the last five months of our lives. And we weren’t just starting over, we were starting farther back than ever before.  

How did we get here? We have never been those people that wanted a “fixer-upper”; in fact, because of our lack of skills we tried to avoid it. But after two years of looking, we decided this house had the greatest potential to give us what we dreamed of.

We bought our house hoping we could handle the adventure of a remodel. We had almost done it. It was far from perfect, but we were proud of it. We were proud of it because we had put so much time and effort into it. Of course we still had a ton of projects to do, but we had our final *big* project scheduled for the following week.

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We have never worked so hard on anything.

All of our hard work was wiped away in about 20 minutes. 

...

The next morning, I was lying in bed and a scripture I grew up hearing came to my mind.

“To give them beauty for ashes…”

I have always loved the sound of these words. Very poetic and they paint a beautiful picture of the redemptive process. It got me thinking… redemption is beautiful, but to be truthful, the process of bringing beauty out of ashes is not easy.

 I find myself today with a giant opportunity, I get to bring beauty from ashes… literally.

This process will not just happen. It will cost me. I have had, and will continue to have, many opportunities to not bring beauty from this situation.

I can choose not to make the most of it.

But I won’t.

I will not allow this situation to steal any more from me than it already has

I am headed to Redemption.

I do not worry about the destination, but the journey overwhelms me at times. I know how costly it is to go on this journey. It is not fun, but it is worth it. Even though I would not have chosen this. I can do this.

I will do this.

I will release my expectations.

I will stand on my faith.

I will hold on to my hope.

And I will choose to love.

And then I will wait. I will wait and watch it all unfold.

Beauty is coming.

Just wait and see.

Do you know of anyone who is also in an overwhelming time of their life? Forward this to them and let us make beauty together!

The Worst Part about Love

I have always been a people person. I like friends. I like family. I can think of no better way to spend my life than investing in the people around me.

I love people.

I love the opportunity to experience new things. Laugh together. Cry together. Support one another. Cheer on one another. People. Love. Relationships. I love it all.

However, it is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

And people get hurt A LOT.

Have you ever been hurt by someone? (Insert sarcasm.) Of course, YOU HAVE! From the time we were young, we were getting hurt by people. Friends, family, peers on the playground, there are an endless amount of opportunities to get hurt in this life.

We all have people in our life that have disappointed us. Not just the acquaintance we work with, but people close to us. Times when we found out something hurtful a friend said about us or when we needed support but failed to receive it.

I have some of the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for, but that doesn’t mean my relationships come with no cost. There are so many opportunities for misunderstandings.

I believe this is something that should be talked about more. Don’t get me wrong, I am not cynical, but I do consider myself very practical.

Sometimes misunderstandings happen that seem completely innocent and then there are times when the pain seems deliberate. These experiences make us second guess having people in our life at all.

This is when the rubber meets the road and love can seem like one horrible idea.

We have done ourselves a disservice because we don’t have a good understanding of what love is or the power that it beholds. Somewhere along the way, we have told ourselves that if we love big, then we will be loved big.

Truth is, if we Love big, we will Hurt big.

So many of us expect our love to be returned to us at the measure it is given. Love is not given to the measure it is received. Love is given to the measure of capacity.

I can love big, but not because I have people in my life who don’t make mistakes, but because I have worked for years on growing my capacity to love.

Love isn’t about receiving what you give.

Love is about giving all that you have.

Love is about stretching you to become a beautiful person, no matter if someone else chooses to do the same.

What Is Love?

Love is surprisingly exciting and exceptionally mundane. It is found in traveling around the world together, but also sitting on the couch.

Love is dreaming big plans, but living on a budget. Love is joining your hopes together and knowing the risk. Love is taking a chance.

Love is living in the moment, but sticking through the years.

Love is not having to wonder what they say when you’re not there. Love is being valued. Love is feeling safe.

Love is being chosen.

Love is being listened to even when they’re tired. Love is being encouraged, lifted up, and held high. Love is being heard.

Love is being told the truth. Love is forgiving.

Love is telling the truth. Love is being forgiven.

Love is laughing together, but also wiping one another’s tears. Love is being broken, but finding the path to wholeness, hand in hand.

Love is not only about saying the sweet things, but being willing to say the hard things, too.

Love is butterflies, hugs, and kisses. Love is special dinner dates and boring Tuesdays. Love is evening walks and late night talks. Love is dancing in the kitchen and dreaming on the porch.

Love is finding freedom. Love is having self-control.

Love is against all odds.

Love is you. Love is me. Love is us. Together Forever. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary.

-Your Gal

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Love Sucks

I made a choice long ago to be a person who loves. Over the years, I have slowly grown my capacity to love much like exercising a muscle to gain strength. Loving big is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life.

But let me let you in on something I have learned…

Love sucks.

Yep, there. I said it.

When I casually hear the word “love” I think about hugs and kisses, rainbows and butterflies, and people singing Kumbaya while holding hands. However, living a life of love is so far from roses and rainbows.

Living a life of love looks more like a warzone than a Hallmark card.

Unfortunately, love is filled with so many things that aren’t warm and fuzzy. Love is filled with misunderstandings and love is filled with disappointments.

Loving big means opening up and creating vulnerability within your life.

The more vulnerable you become, the more likely you are to experience pain.

Love also opens the door to experience one of the most painful things that exist, rejection.

Love hurts.

I am not talking about drama. I am talking about the inevitable experience of pain if you choose to be a person who loves big. No question. No doubt about it.

“Love”

It sounds really simple.

But it’s not.

It’s not easy to love people when they disappoint you. It is not easy to love people when they don’t show up for you. It’s not easy to love people who have hurt you. It is not easy to love people who have betrayed you. It is not easy to love people who have rejected you. It is not easy to love people who disagree with you.

To put it simply, it is not easy to love people.

It is complex and messy and all twisted up like a tangled necklace with a really small chain.

Do I really want to love people? What about the people who haven’t supported me as I expected? Do I love those people? Do I choose to love even the people who aren’t loving me?

Years ago, I settled something in myself. I decided to go down a path of love. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever go back. I was choosing love. The end.

I will choose to love despite the decision made by the person on the other side. I will bless. Period. Even for those who reject me, I will choose to value.

I will not sway from this belief.

I will not falter from this regard.

I have cried many tears over my choice to love, but what better way to spend my tears than experiencing the depth of something that always produces beauty in my life?

Love sucks, but love is worth it every time.

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When Your Marriage Is No Longer Worth the Fight

I will never forget the scariest moment of my marriage. We had been married a couple of years and I found myself feeling very frustrated about some of the things happening between us. I talked to Carter several times about it and he seemed to listen, but our conversations never seemed to bring about any change.

We had been having the same discussion on repeat for weeks.

He may have been listening, but I did not feel heard.

We were not on the same page.

One night, we were lying in bed discussing things and he once again said something that made me very aware he was not understanding the seriousness of how I felt. I laid there feeling defeated and overwhelmed. What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t I getting anywhere?

Prior to this night, there were many times in our relationship that I had been angry and chose to give Carter “the silent treatment”. While I do not recommend that as a healthy form of communication, this night was different.

I wasn’t giving Carter the silent treatment. I was simply done talking.

I was done trying to express myself.

I was done feeling like I was not a priority.

This night, I was simply ready to go to sleep.

I will never forget when I rolled over in bed and felt something scarier than I had ever felt before. Something much scarier than anger…

Indifference.

You see this night wasn’t me trying to prove something with my silence. This was the first time in our seven year relationship that it simply didn’t feel worth the fight.

We weren’t worth the fight. He wasn’t worth the fight.

This was the night I realized that there was, in fact, something worse in a relationship than arguing a lot and that is not caring enough about the relationship to argue at all.

This was about ten years ago and let me tell you, we have had MUCH harder things we have had to walk through in our marriage, but I don’t know if I have ever felt something scarier than this night.

I was in a marriage, but I felt so alone and I wasn’t sure why. I felt like my husband wasn’t there. And for the first time, I felt like I was ready not to be there too.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way inside of a marriage. Marriage is hard and confusing. If you want to stay married there is something you have to understand, marriage will consist of a fight.

Fighting to keep what you have and fighting for the marriage you want.

I know it can be so easy to become disengaged. It can be so easy to convince yourself to stop communicating things because you have already communicated them... but don’t stop.

Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to feel “indifferent”. While indifference is a nice break from arguing, it is the first step out the door.

Speak. Keep Speaking. Keep Fighting.

Not necessarily with your partner, but for them.

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Are You Measuring Up?

“Haley, I don’t think you see yourself very clearly,” a friend said to me.

I had just uttered a self-evaluation of my physical appearance. It wasn’t a particularly encouraging or positive utterance. This wasn’t the first time she told me she didn’t think I saw myself accurately.

She is the type of friend who will tell me when I am wrong but has always encouraged me in who I am.

This time her observation stuck with me.

Did I see myself clearly?

And if not, why?

I began to think back on times that I have struggled with who I am.

Whether it was something I was doing or the way I appeared. I have often felt negative about myself and been hard on myself for feeling like I should be more than I am.

At times, it felt so obvious that I was falling short of “the standard”.

What standard, you ask? I don’t even know. The unspoken standard of who I should be. The one that I have pressured on myself and the one that I have felt pressured by the world.

Why is it so hard to feel content with who we are and the choices we make?

Life is filled with a lot of intricate experiences that complicate our perception of who we are. We learn from a young age who we are “supposed” to be and the life we “should” live. We spend much of our early years learning rules and expectations to function in society. (Some of us embrace these expectations more than others.) We also learn quickly that if we perform “well” we get more praise and acceptance than when we fail.

We are taught a standard for social acceptance and these guidelines are easy to become our standard for self-acceptance.

It is easy to feel that when others accept us that means we are “good”, but when people disapprove of us than we are “bad”. Sadly, this is a very unreliable measuring tool of our value because everyone has such varying perceptions.

It is quite easy to lose ourselves while we try to meet everyone’s expectations.

It seems clear to me that most of us have inaccurate views of ourselves. We are often our own worst critic and spend too much time thinking about our failures. We hold on to the worst things that people have said to us and forget to remember the best.

For years, I have been on a journey of learning to live in grace for myself and release the expectations of how I thought everything would turn out… including myself.

I am learning how to look at my flaws and say, “Yep, that is not the most attractive feature I have, but that’s alright.”

I am not looking to create a mindset that says I am perfect.

I am looking to create a mindset that knows I am not perfect, but I am perfectly ok with it.

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The Truth about Unconditional Love

Growing up, I heard the term “unconditional love” a lot. Honestly, I had the mindset unconditional love was everywhere. I thought every friend and family member I had would love me, value me, and honor me without condition.

Of course, it didn’t take me long to learn the harsh reality that unconditional love wasn’t as common as I thought. In reality, there are a whole lot of conditions to the relationships we live, some spoken and some unspoken.

For years of my life, I tried really hard to “prove” my worthiness to my friends and family. I did this by trying to be the “perfect” daughter, sister, friend, and wife. Of course, I was nowhere near perfect and this left me exhausted.

I was constantly afraid I wasn’t going to measure up and in the end, they would figure out I wasn’t worthy of their love.

In my early twenties, I became a bit obsessed with trying to be “perfect”, had a minor life breakdown, and demanded I find a new way for myself to live.

I will never forget, standing in front of my bed, crying to my husband that I was exhausted, broken, and completely discouraged. I felt like I was failing at being who everyone wanted me to be.

I felt like a failure… and I was.

I was a failure at reading everyone’s mind. I was a failure at being perfect. I was a failure at being sure no one would ever reject me.

You see, I was extremely afraid my friends and family expected me to be perfect and I knew the truth.

I wasn’t.

I was so afraid once everyone figured it out they would leave me.

And I was afraid to be alone.

This breakdown led me to one of the best journeys of my life. I decided to stop trying to be perfect. I chose to stop trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I decided to stop trying to control everyone else and their choice to love me or not to.

I looked at my life and realized there were a few people I really did think loved me unconditionally. I chose to talk to them about what I was going through.

I had conversations with them and explained how much I had been afraid of failing them. I talked to them and owned it. This wasn’t their problem to fix. It was mine. I didn’t tell them so they could treat me with care. I told them so they could encourage me to find healing.

And they did.

Year by year, I learned I did have people in my life who loved me unconditionally.

I learned not everyone, but some people are willing to look at the worst parts of me and say,

“That’s ok, I love you”.

I learned it was ok to be the failure that I was.

I became obsessed with getting real with my crap. I didn’t tell everyone everything, but I made sure to at least tell someone everything.

I started feeling free for the very first time in my life.

No secrets.

Nothing left to be afraid of.

I began to understand not everyone in my life is even called to love me unconditionally and I don’t even need that anymore.

I have learned I have been given unconditional love from a few so I can now give unconditional love to many.

And maybe in the end, that’s what it has always been about.

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Is This a Time for Rage?

I just finished reading a nationally circulated article that told me that “this is a time for rage”. It was speaking on some of the recent events of the political landscape and the current sexual investigations that are taking place.

I am no stranger to the current world we live in and it is no great surprise for me to see rage, but this was something new. This was the first time that I had actually seen a writer not just speak in a state of rage, but recommend it as the best option as we move through these difficult situations.

I could not believe it.

Really? That is the best that we have?

With all of the tools, emotions and communication styles we have access to we are going to select our rage?

Is that what people really think?

That rage is going to get us through?

Rage is our savior?

Not for me.

I don’t have faith in my rage.

Rage is an emotion, it is not a solution.

When we feel enraged, we feel like we have a purpose. We see the path ahead and we have no doubt that we can conquer it. It makes us feel brave and important.

Our rage makes us feel powerful.

Our rage is an understandable emotion that arises as we journey through some of these difficult experiences, it makes us feel like we are seeing crystal clear, but it actually blinds us. We are unable to see anything else but our emotion and our perception. When we feel rage we are often incapable of listening well and uninterested in learning because we demand to be heard.

I do understand that rage can be quite productive. It can be a great influencer, communicator and motivator to get people in action, but let’s be clear, the action that rage will spark is not one that will bring beauty to this world.

While rage is easy to grow, it is not easily controlled and the more it spreads the harder it is to keep in check.

Rage is loyal to itself and not even the cause at hand.

Rage is not a superhuman power to get things done. It is an ineffective strategy for creating positive change.

We have leaders instructing their followers to take up anger as a tool to solve our problems.

Umm… no thanks.

Rage can ignite fiery passion and can cause intimidation, but is this really going to give us what we want? Is this going to create the environment that we want our children to grow up in?

If encouraged, our rage will produce hate, intolerance, and violence.

Rage has no peace to offer us.

Rage has no answers for us.

Rage is not the solution.

Being unable to control our temper is not our strength, this my friends is actually part of the problem. Rage may have to be a part of all of this, but to credit it as our strength would be a mistake.

Our bitterness, our rage, and our anger will never heal us or create peace in this world. The healing that we find after our rage will.

We will heal this problem by sharing and listening to the experiences that have occurred. We will heal as the stories of darkness get brought to the light. We will heal as people who have found healing share the way. We will heal in our understanding. We will heal as we connect and support one another. We will heal as we become equipped. We will heal as we forgive.

We will heal as we speak to our youth and educate them on these things that have gone unspoken in generations past.

We will heal as we teach people to do better.

We will begin to heal as we better understand the mindsets that have let these actions take place repeatedly while staying in the dark generationally.

We will not heal because of our rage. We will heal despite it.

We need to do better.

Not just with our sexual misbehaviors, but with our response to them as well. We must find a different way to navigate these difficult experiences.

Rage may be a step along the journey, but should not be the destination. Make no mistake about it, we want to keep moving forward.

We want a better world for every woman and every man. We want a better world for our children.

If we want better, then we all must do better.

Our culture needs an answer to this problem and I am sure that rage is not that answer.

No matter how we feel, our rage is not actually effective for us to get what we want.

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Ten Keys to Experiencing Long-Lasting Love

There is nothing simple or easy about love. If you want to find love that lasts through the years, you will need to be ready to experience a lot of ups and downs.

I have been in a
relationship with the same man for 17 years.

No breaks.

No separations.

Let me tell you
some of the things that I have learned about love after being with the same man
for over half of my life.

Love doesn’t
always feel passionate.

I will never
forget the first time I looked at Carter and felt nothing. No passion. No
excitement. We were dating, and I almost broke up with him. By the next week my
feelings were back and felt stronger than ever.

Moral of the
story, it happens.

If you want to
be with someone long-term, understand that at times, it can feel quite mundane
and BORING!

To this day, if we are in a season that feels a tad dull, I almost get excited because I know with a little effort I can turn dull back into exciting passion. It’s like falling in love all over again, and I love it!

Make an effort.

In relationships
it is SO easy to be aware of everything your partner is NOT doing. But what are
you doing? Never stop making an effort to show them you love them.

Let’s be clear,
there is no magic formula that makes love fun. Your relationship will be what
you both decide it to be. It should not be any surprise that if you choose not
to prioritize your relationship it will show.

Your love will
be what you both choose to make it.

Find adventure
together.

What adventures
do you want to have in this life? Do you want to travel? Would you like to
start your own company? Do you want to have children? Do you want to adopt?

Talk about what
you want out of this life and then talk about it some more.

No matter what
adventures you choose, laugh and have fun as you live it.

Before you
commit to someone, be sure that you are on the same page on what you want out
of this adventurous life!

Don’t settle.

I never settled.
From the very beginning I knew what I wanted from a partner. I wouldn’t have
accepted anything less. I knew what my goals were for my life, and I
continually asked Carter if those would work for him.

Before you
commit to someone, it is very important to talk and talk A LOT. Do not
compromise too much because you may find that you resent them later for keeping
you from what you really wanted out of life.

Be honest.

In my opinion,
honesty is an absolute necessity for a relationship. Don’t want to live honest?
Not fair. Being in a relationship with a person who is not honest is like being
in a relationship with a shadow.

Choose to be
real. Be seen. Experience love.

Give them what
they need. Not what you need.

Find out what
makes your partner feel valued. Do that for them. Don’t love them how you want
to be loved, love them how they want to be loved.

Long lasting
love will involve heartbreak. Don’t be surprised, but don’t give up.

If you choose to
live life with another human for an extended amount of time, it will include
disappointment and heartbreak. We all have our issues and unfortunately, it is
not all that rare to find yourself feeling betrayed by someone you love.

You will never
find someone perfect. Choose to be with the person that is worth the hassle.

Believe in
Redemption. Believe in Restoration.

Value one
another.

Does this seem
like a stupid thing to put on the list?

Well, let me
tell you, it can be harder than you think to value someone after years
together. It is easy to get discouraged with the way your partner lives.

Honor your
partner.

Sure, they’ve
got their issues. I know. We all do. Find things that you love, respect and
admire and honor them for being who they are. Quirks and all.

Never stop
choosing one another.

Don’t stop
experiencing life together. Don’t stop talking about your hopes, goals and
fears.

Continue to
learn about yourself and continue to learn about one another.

Find enough
things to keep you connected. This doesn’t mean you do everything together, but
find a way that makes you both feel like you are on the same page and working
toward the same overall goals.

It take two to
tango.

Now this is
possibly the hardest part of a relationship. No matter what, it takes two.

Don’t get me
wrong, there will be times because of health, stress, or situations that one of
you may feel like you are putting in more effort than the other and that is
part of it.

However, no
matter the effort or desire of one person to make a relationship work, it truly
does take two. It doesn’t always have to be exactly equal or always fair, but
it does have to at least be two people who choose one another and choose to put
an effort into the relationship.

Love.

It is not what I
expected, but is way better than I ever could’ve hoped.

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It Is Not Hard to Have Opinions

It is not hard to have opinions. It is not hard to be opinionated. It really isn't.

It is not hard to tell other people how they need to change. It is not hard to see the faults in other people. It is actually quite easy.

It is not hard to shame people for their failures. It is not hard to demean people for their beliefs.
It is not hard to sit back on our keypad and type from a place of superiority about how other people are getting life wrong.

These things are NOT hard.

What is hard, however, is to get out of our chairs, to look in the mirror and ask ourselves what we are REALLY bringing to the world... outside of our Facebook opinions.

Make no mistake that we are not taking a noble stand by voicing hateful thoughts.

It is not hard to stand in hate.
It is, however, hard to serve in love. 

It is not hard to judge someone based on their beliefs that we don't understand.

It is hard however to try to understand someone who believes differently than we do and it is even harder to choose to love someone that we don't understand. It is hard, but we should be able to do this. This is a skill vitally necessary in this world.

I understand that “their” politics, religion or other beliefs in life may be completely "wrong". I am sorry that they do not believe as you do. They will have to own the consequences of their beliefs, but we must own the consequences of ours.

It is so intriguing to me that we hold onto our idealistic ideas stronger than we hold on to our love.

It is really fascinating how we can say we are standing for love while spewing hate.

Let's stop thinking about "them" and let's start realizing that we have the ability to change the world.

Words have power.

We need to understand that power and own what we are producing with our words.

Our opinions do matter. They do. But what matters greater is how we use them and how we treat those with differing opinions than our own.

We have freedom of speech, but let's not get that confused with believing our words don't come at a cost.

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A Letter to my {Not So} Romantic Husband on this Romantic Holiday

Babe,

Here we are again. This is our 17th Valentine’s Day together and I would say we have the swing of it at this point.

I love that I know there is a 99% chance there are no surprises coming. (Although those two times you surprised me were pretty fun!)

I love that we both laughed this morning when I asked if you had a surprise get-a-way to the Bahamas planned for today. I love that I asked you if I should pick up my own chocolate covered strawberries or if you had it covered.

I love that at some point I know I will probably receive a card from you that looks like it was painted by Bob Ross and I will roll my eyes and laugh at your card picking skills. I love that I won’t be surprised by anything you say in the card because I know exactly how you feel about me.

I love that I don’t need a card.

 I love that you helped get the kiddos ready this morning and gave each of us a hug and kiss before you left. And I love that it is no different than any other morning.

I love that we may do a romantic date night this weekend or we may stay home and make pizzas with the kids. I love that either way I know we will have a great time.

I love that I no longer need you to prove anything to me on this particular day. I love that I have zero expectations.

I don’t need you to prove your love for me today because you prove your love for me every day.

Of course, we have had holidays that I did have expectations and felt very disappointed. But through the years, I think I have learned what love is really about.

Love isn’t about celebrating on the big days. Love is about appreciating the normal days.

Love is not about big acts, but small ones.

Every time you come home and the house is a wreck and you don’t say a thing.

Every time you help me fold and put away the mountain of laundry that I have gotten behind on.

Every time you do the dishes at the end of a long day and don’t mind if I sit.

Every time you get up with the kids in the night without me asking you to do it.

Every time you answer a call or text from me and listen to me rant about something I am frustrated by.

Every time you encourage me to keep moving forward in my hopes. Every time you listen to me share my fears. Every time you give me grace when I fail.

Every time you accept me right where I am, but encourage me to keep moving forward.

Days like these make me sit back and think about how blessed I am that I no longer need you to prove your love for me because you really have done that well.

I love you, babe.

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Embracing My Brokenness

In my life, I was the person with the answers not the person with the problems. Don’t get me wrong, of course, I had problems, BUT I chose to avoid them if at all possible.

I hated moments of conflict, failure, and misunderstandings because those experiences had a way of highlighting my need for growth.

I trained in Jedi maneuvers to ensure that nothing ever came back and pinpointed to my brokenness. I was a master at making sure that you or they were always pinned with the “issues”.

Not me. I knew too much. I was too advanced for issues. Issues were for common folk.

The girl with the answers can’t be broken.

Right?

Except I was.

I was broken, but I didn’t know how to be.

Does that even make sense?? I don’t care if it does or not. That’s how I lived.

I wanted to be perfect.

It wasn’t about being better than you. It wasn’t about you at all. I didn’t want you to fail, but I would rather you fail than me. Not because I didn’t love you, but because so much of my life was centered on avoiding my need for improvement.

I did not know how to accept the things within myself that were not beautiful. I hated my jealousy. I avoided my insecurity. I resented my anxiety.

I did not enjoy feeling weak and to me, my brokenness made me feel very weak.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I acted like my brokenness didn’t exist. I created a LaLa Land that said that no matter what I felt I would just be *strong*.

Don’t be a broken person. Ever.

Somewhere along the way, I felt it was part of my identity to not be broken.

I see now that this was a major problem.  I was missing the point the whole time. Ignoring my brokenness was keeping me stuck. 

My brokenness is just as much a part of me as my strengths. My brokenness is part of my story.  It deserves to be understood.

All the time I prided myself in not needing to change, I was really robbing myself from my potential.

It has been the process of embracing my brokenness that has taught me my strength. I have faced who I am. The good. The bad. The ugly.

I finally know myself. 

I know that I am beautiful... a beautiful work in progress. 

So much better to be a work in progress than the girl who isn’t making any progress at all. 

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

My Major Misunderstanding of Love

I used to think that the words “relationship” and “love” could be defined as the same, but they are not the same at all. Understanding the difference between having a relationship and experiencing love has been life altering for me. 

Relationships are a mutual choice between two people to experience life together.

Love is the choice of one person to value another.

Relationships must be experienced by two.

Love is given by one.

I used to be a person of very conditional love. It was common for me to lower people’s value based on my perception of them and their choices. 

Which is quite interesting considering I have spent my entire life dedicated to a faith based on love.

For the past decade, I have been growing my capacity to love and I am quite pleased to say that I am now able to offer love to even the most frustrating of persons.

My ultimate goal?

Unconditional love.  

I have been through a lot with people through the years and I get it.

People suck.

They do.

People lie. People cheat. People steal. People can’t be trusted. People hurt us. People betray us.

I’m not here to tell you otherwise.

I’ve been there. Heck, I’m there today.

I get it.

But I am all in.

 I have two feet planted deep into the battle to love and I have the scars to prove it.

I am talking about loving bigger than feelings and experiencing something deeper than mere pleasantries.

I am talking about living in the trenches and fighting for a cause that I believe in.

I am talking about choosing to value those who have disappointed me, respecting those who disagree with me, blessing those who curse me, forgiving those who have betrayed me, and loving those people who have rejected me.

My decision to love has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. However, it is that very decision that has caused me the most pain and disappointment in my life. 

But no matter the cost, I will love. Period.

I love because I have been given love and it has changed my life.

Does that mean I have the same relationship with everyone? Absolutely not. Relationships require mutual admiration and respect. Love does not.

Despite popular belief, my ability or inability to value someone does not define them... but it does define me.

I now understand that love is not an easy way out.
Love is my only way free.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

Learning to Fail

Recently, I was talking to Carter and was anxiously telling him about a failure. You know those moments that you are face to face with the inevitable fact that you have failed something or someone?

Ugh! I HATE those moments.

I do.

I was worked up and nervously talking away. When all of the sudden Carter stopped me, put his arms around me, looked me in the eyes and said two amazingly perfect words.

“Be Free.”

He continued to tell me that it was fine, that I was fine and that I had to learn to let these things go.

It was fine.

I was fine.

For the past decade of my life, I have been trying to learn how to fail and after ten plus years, I still don’t know exactly how to do it. Of course, I can fail. Failing is inevitable, but I am still learning how to fail well.

How can I still be here after so many years of believing in grace?

How is it possible that I am still so affected by my failure? Why are my limitations, mistakes, and misunderstandings so scary to me? I have come so far, but I still have a long ways to go.

In the past, when I have failed, I felt the need to cover up my failure and hide my mistakes. At the same time, I would defend my value as if it was something that needed defending. 

During my failure, there was always a little voice taunting me... What if my fears are true? What if my fail is a sign that I not only failed, but I am a failure?? But worse, what if I am a failure who is destined to fail forever?

What if I not only got it wrong but what if I am wrong?  What if I don't just make mistakes. What if I am the mistake? 

(insert tear.)

Several years ago, I became quite aware that my fear of failure could have the potential to steal my entire life from me. I rallied myself, gathered some peeps around me to help me stay on track, and I went forth into the world determined not to let my fear of failure steal from my life. 

I really don't enjoy failure. I am more of an enjoyer of success. Success is fun, but I don’t believe that we learn jack squat during our successes. Now our failures are a different story... our failures are full of opportunities.

Our failures show us our fears.

Our failures show us our weaknesses.

Our failures give us an opportunity to experience grace.

Do not get me wrong, I still do not enjoy failing, but I have learned to value the process. Learning to fail has taught me a lot about who I am and the fears that are within me. I have and will continue to fail. And that's ok.

We must embrace the role that failure will play in our lives.

Our goal should not be to not fail.

Our goal should be to learn how.

My fails still bother me at times, but no matter how hard I fall on my face I choose to be kind to myself. I evaluate my intentions and determine if they need any correction. If they do, I own it. When I struggle to have grace for myself, I ask someone to help me move forward without shame.

Perhaps the greatest change I have made is that I no longer act like it isn't happening. I face it so that I can learn from it. I choose to grow instead of choosing to remain the same. I own my issues. I own my mistakes. 

I own my failure.

I choose to heal and move forward fully knowing that I will fail again, but no longer allowing it to keep me from living the life I was meant to live.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

If You Need to Judge Me Then Do What You Must

I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.

If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too.

You don’t know what I’ve been through. You do not understand why I am who I am. You don’t know what my journey has cost me. You don’t know the tears that I’ve cried or the fears that I’ve fought. You don’t understand all the times that I have chosen to grow and I have chosen to learn.

I used to feel so afraid of you and your disapproval.

It used to take my breath away and choke me as if it could kill me. I used to do things for you… so that you would approve of me… so that you would love me.

And then I stopped.

I had to.

I realized that even with the best of trying I couldn’t make you happy. I couldn’t be everything you wanted me to be.

I had to stop running after you and the disappearing vapors of your approval because I realized in the chase for your endorsement I was losing myself.

I believe you want the best for me and you feel you know what that is. Thank you, but it seems that you are incapable of loving me without very specific requirements of who I must be. Thanks for the offer, but I am gonna have to say “no thanks”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “no thanks” to you. I am saying “no thanks” to the burden of your expectations.

I would love for you to be a part of my journey, but I will not base my life choices on the critical words that I hear from you. I will not base my value on your sliding scale of interpretation.

I say that without hate or malice. I mean you no disrespect. I value you, but I can see clearly that you struggle to do the same for me.

So I release you.

I no longer need you to approve of me. I no longer need you to validate my worth.

Why?

Because I have found it for myself.

I know you feel it is your job to measure my performance and my worth, but I assure you, it is not. 

I release you from loving me in a way that you are unable to. I will no longer expect you to understand my heart.

I will no longer expect you to trust my intent.

 I will move forward with the understanding that at least for now, you are unable to love me without conditions. I will choose to love you right where you are despite your inability to do the same for me.

And that’s ok.

I have grace for you to be where you are. I give you grace not because of who you are, but because of who I am, because of the journey that I have taken…

the very journey that you fail to understand.

-Haley

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Ten Things to Know About Manipulators {From a Recovering, Insecure, Manipulative Control Freak}

 Many people do not realize that I am a recovering control freak who was born with a natural ability to manipulate people.

From the time I was little, I can remember watching people, listening, and learning how people reacted to certain things. From parents to teachers, to friends, I liked to read people and once I did, I learned how to give them what they wanted for one primary reason... so that I could get what I wanted. 

Being a manipulator means you are aware of how other people function and use it to your advantage.

 Here are a few ways to identify a manipulator
(from my experience of being one):

1- Manipulators are "givers". 

It is important to understand that a manipulative person is often a very giving person. Particularly in the beginning of a relationship. However, manipulators are very wise and thoughtful about what they give to others.

I don't mean only material gifts, although that certainly can be a way to manipulate. I mean things like time, attention, flattery and affection. Manipulators do not mind giving. They see it as tool to get what they want from you.

Remember this: They will only give you what you want as long as it doesn't compromise their primary goal... what they want.

2- Manipulators are selfish.

How can I make the blanket statement that ALL manipulators are selfish? Well, through the years, I have learned that manipulating someone I "love" without explaining to them what I am doing is not love.

When I choose to manipulate someone, I do so for only one person.

Myself.

Remember this: You will often hear manipulative people talk about how much they care about other people. 

3- Manipulators distance themselves from other manipulators.

Manipulative people will surround themselves with non-manipulative people. To be around other manipulators runs the risk of a power struggle and manipulators do not like to struggle for their power.

Remember this: Manipulators like to feel in control. They do NOT like it if someone else tries to manipulate them but hate it, even more, when someone tries to manipulate someone they felt they had control over.

4- Manipulators learn how to isolate people from one another.

If you begin a relationship with a manipulative person and they realize someone in your life who is not supportive of them, they will begin to cause tension between you and that person.

They will do this strategically. They will plant small seeds of frustration so that you believe it is actually your idea to distance yourself.

Remember this: They will often use ideas of "you deserve better". Of course, what they mean is that they are "better".

5- Manipulative people often present themselves as being "go with the flow" type people.

They will often say things like "I am really easygoing" or "I don't care". Manipulators use this tactic to keep targets off of their backs.

If a manipulator presents themselves as being easygoing, then it becomes very difficult for people to blame them for manipulation.

A "go with the flow" type of person doesn't care enough to try to control someone else. Right??

Remember this: Manipulative people can say they are laid back; however, manipulators have a very difficult time controlling themselves if their control begins to be challenged. Watch out for this.

6- Manipulators are always insecure.

This may seem like a reach, but let me tell you. It is true. The need to manipulate and the need to control people and circumstances comes from fear. They fear that if they aren't in control, then something may happen to them that they aren't prepared for. 

Remember this: The control gives them a false sense of security; however, it should never take controlling another person to make a person feel secure. 

7- Manipulators are master presenters. 

The best skill that a manipulator has is their presentation. A great manipulator has learned the *art* of presenting what they want people to know in a very specific manner.

Nothing is said without thought.

It is all part of the "presentation". Manipulators are very careful to not let people see ugly parts of themselves. 

Remember this: No one can be in *presenter* mode forever. The closer you get to a manipulator the more you will feel you need to be a part of the *show* that they present. You will find yourself defending them and even describing them in ways that aren't reality. 

8- Manipulators are afraid to be alone.

No one wants to be alone or rejected. Manipulators use their *gift* to ensure that they won't be. They will use their presentation skills to appear perfect so that people will love them. 

A manipulator will always have a response when someone rejects them. There most certainly will be a level of retaliation. They will use their skill to show others why that person is not worthy of love.

Remember this: When distancing yourself from a controlling relationship, be sure that you do so wisely and in a way that does not put you in harm. Reach out for help and support.

9- Manipulators Often seem very supportive of your choices. (But there is a catch.)

Surprisingly, one of the most common ways that manipulators manipulate is to convince people that a choice was their choice all along. 

A manipulator *masters* the ability to make decisions for other people before the other person even realizes there was a choice.

Manipulators can be some of the most supportive friends in the world... as long as you choose what they want you to choose.

A manipulator struggles when they feel out of control; even a simple change of course that they didn't see coming can cause them stress. 

Remember this: In a healthy relationship a true friend will support you to make your own choices. Even if they disagree with you, they should not try to control you..

10- The one thing that will GET a person to stop MANIPULATING

There is one thing and one thing only that can stop a person from manipulating other people.

They have to decide for THEMSELVES to stop.

No amount of vulnerability, begging, hoping, pleading can get a person to live an honest life. The only person who can choose to do so is them. It is hard to live an open and honest life and it is beyond scary to live vulnerably. Many people will never choose to do so. Many will forever use the buffer of presentation to protect themselves from rejection. 

And then, of course, there are those people who love the game of it all. They are not interested in experiencing real love, they just want control.

Remember this: Unfortunately, a manipulator has to be ready to do this for themselves. 

So what made me realize that manipulation was not how I wanted to live?

Simple.

I experienced love.

Real love.

With honesty, vulnerability, kindness, care, and respect. I slowly realized how incapable of love I was. I had used manipulation on some level in almost every relationship that I had. I began to take the journey of learning how to have healthy relationships. Relationships where I respect others’ right to make choices for themselves and I trust my friends enough to be honest about who I am.

I had to come face to face with the shame of my imperfections.

 I chose to embrace that other people’s choices were (or at least should be) out of my control, and I had to learn to confront the fear that people I love may leave me if/when I fail.

I had to learn to accept the broken, insecure, vulnerable, amazing person that I am.

Letting go of my skill to manipulate is maybe one of the proudest things I have done in my life. It has opened up my life to experiencing the kind of love that I have always longed for and always hoped to find. 

I can be me.

But most importantly I can support you to be you.

With no strings attached.

Much love and many blessings.

-Haley

I Betrayed Her... Now What?

What do you do when you fail someone that you love?

I could not turn back time.

I could not make it right.

I could not justify my actions or explain my failure.

It was what it was.

Betrayal.

I have a handful of moments that have shaped me as a person. This being one. I sat on my couch feeling quite defenseless and humble. I will never forget the moment that I was sitting in front of her.

I knew what I had to do.

I had to ask for forgiveness.

Why?

Because I had betrayed her.

My friend. That I loved.

I listened first. I agreed with everything she said. What had happened was wrong. To be honest, it was one of the only times of my life I had no justification and no explanation. No defense.

As she relived her experience it was as if her pain lived inside of each word.

I could feel her heartache within me.

And here I was.

Going to ask her for something.

Forgiveness.

It is a humbling experience to look someone in the eye and seek forgiveness. There was no reason that it should be given and no reason that it would be.

I hated that we were here, I wished that I could travel back into time and change what had happened, but I couldn’t. There was nothing left to do, but to seek mercy. This was not a mercy I had earned. No actions or words could take away the hurt.

As I listened, I understood the crossroads that we were at. She would decide if there would ever be an “us” again. The ball was in her court.

She had to decide if I was worth the risk.

I listened to her. She listened to me.

And through great sorrow, she said the words...

“I forgive you.”

She looked me in the eye and told me that she loved me. She was willing to offer me her love even though I had failed her. Even now, as I recall this experience I feel moved to tears. 

This moment changed me forever.

It quite literally changed who I was.

She gave me permission to move forward. Not without regret, but with mercy. Past the choice I had made and into growing from who I was into who I wanted to be.

I will always feel a certain amount of debt towards her. She gave me mercy that I am not sure I would have been able to offer myself without her permission. 

 The pain I caused her will forever be on my list of things I regret in my life.

I know my words of repentance did not nearly carry the power that her words of forgiveness carried. I understood that her choosing those words came at a high price for her. It cost her to release me from what I deserved.

The choice she made did not end that day. Her choice caused a ripple through my life.

 Relationships can suck because people fail us and people betray us, but I want to suggest that it is in these moments that we are given the opportunity to change the world. 

because I was forgiven.

And it changed my world.

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Without Love...

Love is hard. 

Sure, there are times that love is easy.

Falling in love is easy. It is easy to love our children. And puppies. Puppies are easy to love. (If you aren't trying to train them! Haha.)

So, love isn't always hard. But, often times, it is. It can be hard to love our spouses, our friends, our families, our homes, our jobs... or our lives.

I have yet to meet a "lover" who has not also experienced the painful kiss of disappointment, betrayal, and heartache.

When we love, we will inevitably experience disappointment and feel pain. We can slowly determine that the cost of love is too high because it hurts so much. Through the many disappointments that we experience it is easy to choose to love less. 

Despite all of my experiences that have taught me that love is quite costly, I have determined that the cost of not loving is far greater.   

To lose my love is to lose my life.  

Love is hard, but we must continue to choose love no matter how difficult it may be. 

We can discover all of the mysteries on this earth, but if we don’t’ find love, we will still be lost.

We could find a family for every child in need of one, but if they are not shown love, there is no point.

We can possess all of the intellect of this world, but without love, it will lead us to isolation.

We can teach our children all of the lessons of life, but if they never learn that they are loved, then we have failed.

We could feed every starving person on this earth, but if they have not been treated with love, they will still be in need.

We can be on the “right” side of every argument, but if we can’t love the person on the other side, what does that say about us?

We can possess all of the power in the world, but without love, we cannot be trusted with it.

We can be married for the rest of our lives, but if it is void of love, it will be far from a fairy tale.

We can earn freedom for the entire world, but if there is no love, we will be enslaved by our hate.

We can have everything that money can buy, but without love, we will still be poor.

We can speak with beautifully eloquent words, but if they are not followed with love, our words will produce hate.

It is vital that we find a way to put love at the center of our cause, no matter what that may be.

Because without love my friends, we have nothing.

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A Few Words for the Girl In that White Dress

Get ready for your adventure to begin. You are beginning a long voyage and there is no way to prepare you for what lies ahead. Your life may turn out to be everything you expect or nothing that you predict, or perhaps it will be both, all rolled up into one glorious experience.

I would like to encourage you to let go of some of your expectations. You are predicting a fairy tale when your life will feel more like a rollercoaster.

You will have tough times ahead. It's ok. Every marriage does. Hold your head up. You are strong enough to do this.

Stop thinking you will do this perfect. You can’t. You will fail. It’s ok. Take a breath. Failure is full of opportunity if you let it unfold. Don’t hate your failure. Hate your fear.

Don’t listen to those who come only to tear you down, including those thoughts inside of yourself. They come only to keep you intimidated from unlocking your full potential.

People will look at you and judge how you live. Let them look. Let them judge. But don’t perform for them. Don’t try to be anything. Just be you.

You will doubt yourself but don’t for long. 

Press on and don’t stop. Ever. 

Stop looking around for other people to tell you that you are worthy. Stop it! You are worthy. It is not your husbands’, friends’, families’, or anyone else’s job to give you worth. You must find it yourself and own it. No one else can give it to you.

You are a wife now, you are not a trophy. You were not meant to be put on a shelf or in a box. You only need to be you. You are enough.

Remember to never compare your life to those around you. Your life will never look like “their” life. Ever. You can’t be them. You suck at being them. (Just trust me on this.) You, be you. It is the only person you can rock. So rock it.

Your life can be every bit of adventure that you predict; however, your adventure will be lived through the years of time. Your days may feel long, but your years will fly by.

Marriage is often entered with the thoughts of companionship, but there are days that marriage can feel very isolating. Don’t stay in isolation for long. Life must be lived with others. Don’t allow yourself to stay in seclusion. Reach out. Please. Seek support. 

Be resolute in not living a life full of secrets. It is not worth it.

Marriage can feel beautiful, wonderful, exhausting, difficult, horrible, exciting and can be the absolute best experience in this life. If possible, don't give up.

I pray that your husband is a kind, respectful, honest partner for you to live beside. However, no matter who he chooses to be. Remember not to lose yourself in your partnership. Never allow yourself to disappear. You are essential to this world.

We need you to be you.

Much love and many blessings, Haley

My Life As a Mom is Slowly Flying By

I was 38 weeks pregnant when a scheduled C-section made me a mom. It was a beautiful Thursday morning in the Ozarks. Although I had not quite carried her full term, I felt more than overdue. I was ready to be a mom. It seemed that my entire life had led up to this point. I was ready to hold my baby. Up to that moment, she had only resided within me, but with a quick spinal block and a full surgical team, they pulled her from my womb.

And just like *that* she changed my world.

I remember being surprised that the doctor held my child up like a baby kitten by the back of the neck. I looked at her and instantly fell in love with the screaming baby being held like Simba.

They wrapped her up and brought her close to my face. Although I could hardly see her through my tears, I knew she was perfect. We took our pictures and fully celebrated. When it was time for her to go they wheeled her out of the room with her daddy by her side.

I’m sure it took more than a few minutes for them to finish up my procedure, but I don’t remember being separated for long. They took me into the post-op room and quickly brought Epsie to me. I cried and cried as I held her for the first time. She was the most beautiful being I had ever laid eyes on.

After longing for years to be a mom, this child had quite literally made my dreams come true.

The drugs started kicking in, my words began to slur together, and it was time for her bath, so she went off again and I stayed to rest after the morning’s exciting events.

This day was over six years ago now and so much has happened since.

These years as a mom have changed me. Not only do I feel like I have aged, but I am such a different person than I was on that day six years ago when I held her for the first time.

I have heard stories of how fast time goes by with children, but to tell you the truth, it hasn’t always felt like time was flying by. In many ways, it kind of feels like the last six years of my life have been filled with the time of thirty years. I have lived days that have felt like months and weeks that have felt like years. Some days the last fifteen minutes before Carter gets home from work have felt like an eternity that I might not survive.

There have been plenty of days when I felt like I was quite possibly losing my mind.

When I look at my life, the days seem to have slowed since having kids; however, when I look at my children, I can’t believe how quickly it has went. I am continually shocked by how old my Epsie Marie is looking. With each passing year it seems to grow more surreal to look at pictures of her past. Where is my baby? Where is that little girl who came out of me so tiny, yet fierce? Ready to tell the world that she had arrived.

How can her little life seem to have started just yesterday, but I struggle to remember what my life was before she was in it? 

How can time seem to tick forward so slowly and speed by all at once?

This year, I sent my sweet Epsie marie to kindergarten.

How is that possible? As I prepared to send her to school for her first year, I spent some time thinking about my mothering journey up to this point. 

Life as a mom is hard. It is a daily struggle that can often feel like we are ten steps behind where we should be. The mundane events bring with it many small and large defeats that leave us feeling unsure if we are doing things right. Our days are filled with many tasks that are left undone and moments that didn’t turn out as we expected.

But our years… our years are a different story. As we look back at our years, we are filled with gratitude. Suddenly, the dishes that were left in the sink and the child that threw more tantrums than acceptable isn’t that important.

It is then that we realize that those big things weren’t so big and the small things were more important than we realized.

As we look back, it is so much easier to see the beauty in the journey. We see our growing children and realize we have obviously been doing something right. It is so much easier to feel pride in it all and suddenly those long days don’t seem so long. Somehow those horrible moments that left us feeling defeated and overwhelmed are the very moments that make us feel proud now.

We did it.

We survived. And somehow through all the difficult moments, we learned how to thrive. This whole parenting gig is quite the experience but one that is absolutely a privilege to have.  

Much love and many blessings.

-Haley

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