If You Need to Judge Me Then Do What You Must

I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.

If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too.

You don’t know what I’ve been through. You do not understand why I am who I am. You don’t know what my journey has cost me. You don’t know the tears that I’ve cried or the fears that I’ve fought. You don’t understand all the times that I have chosen to grow and I have chosen to learn.

I used to feel so afraid of you and your disapproval.

It used to take my breath away and choke me as if it could kill me. I used to do things for you… so that you would approve of me… so that you would love me.

And then I stopped.

I had to.

I realized that even with the best of trying I couldn’t make you happy. I couldn’t be everything you wanted me to be.

I had to stop running after you and the disappearing vapors of your approval because I realized in the chase for your endorsement I was losing myself.

I believe you want the best for me and you feel you know what that is. Thank you, but it seems that you are incapable of loving me without very specific requirements of who I must be. Thanks for the offer, but I am gonna have to say “no thanks”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “no thanks” to you. I am saying “no thanks” to the burden of your expectations.

I would love for you to be a part of my journey, but I will not base my life choices on the critical words that I hear from you. I will not base my value on your sliding scale of interpretation.

I say that without hate or malice. I mean you no disrespect. I value you, but I can see clearly that you struggle to do the same for me.

So I release you.

I no longer need you to approve of me. I no longer need you to validate my worth.

Why?

Because I have found it for myself.

I know you feel it is your job to measure my performance and my worth, but I assure you, it is not. 

I release you from loving me in a way that you are unable to. I will no longer expect you to understand my heart.

I will no longer expect you to trust my intent.

 I will move forward with the understanding that at least for now, you are unable to love me without conditions. I will choose to love you right where you are despite your inability to do the same for me.

And that’s ok.

I have grace for you to be where you are. I give you grace not because of who you are, but because of who I am, because of the journey that I have taken…

the very journey that you fail to understand.

-Haley

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Ruining My Life... One Expectation at a Time

Hopes. Dreams. Expectations. Plans. Goals. Desires.

They are all wonderfully beautiful things... until they aren’t.

There is an art to having expectations. The trick is to find the sweet spot. Right where they push you forward, but don’t hold you back.

I have always been a very positive person and I have never been short on hopes for my future. These hopes turned into plans and then I would then execute those plans. As I did, I expected everything to go exactly according to my very sunny expectations.

Expectations.

Such a simple word with a whole lot of implication.

I realized something interesting about my expectations… well… that they were ruining my life.

I guess to be fair it wasn’t actually my expectations that were stealing from me, it was my inability to let go of them. I mean seriously, I would clinch those things in my hands until there was no life left in them at all.  I didn’t want to let go.

I would hold on to them like some crazy lunatic who just could not get the message that things were not going to play out like she thought.

My expectations have affected every part of my life, but have probably affected my relationship with Carter the most. They almost functioned as a third person in our relationship. 

I let my expectations call the shots far too often. I would ruin an entire experience because it went differently than I expected it to. It was so stinkin’ silly.

When things didn’t fall in line, I was not ok with it. I felt entitled to my expectations. I felt as if I was owed them. I wanted things to go perfectly, but when they didn’t, I couldn’t find a new “perfect”. I would waste so much time thinking about what “should have been”.

I was missing out on so many things because they were turning out different than I expected.

We should expect wonderful things in this life; however, we should not stop moving forward when things happen that are not expected. It isn’t easy, that’s for sure. But I want to be very clear about something that I discovered along the way.

My life was not the problem.

My husband was not the problem.

My problem was my inability to understand that this life is not lived out according to a pre-written script.

This life is organic and alive. This life is full of twists and turns more beautiful and gut-wrenching than anything that we can possibly imagine.

It is not so much our plans that will indicate what kind of life we have, but the ability to adapt to the change of plans that will define our life.

My sweet friends, aim yourself to the moon, but when you find your experiences falling short of what you hoped, don’t forget to enjoy the stars.

(Yes, that just happened. I referenced the "shoot for the moon" saying. Classic.)

Much love and many blessings, Haley

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Living the Dream, One Nightmare at a Time

If you would’ve asked me when we got married what our lives would look like in a decade I would’ve said something like this…

I saw Carter and I married with a handful of kiddos, both through pregnancy and adoption.

We would be living outside of a small town, with a bit of land and owning a pet or two.

We would have travelled the world.

 I would be staying at home with my kids, possibly working a day or two outside the home. I thought Carter would be working in the finance world and I hoped that he would enjoy his job.

Of course, I planned on being more in love with my husband than ever.

You want to hear something crazy?

 Every single one of the things that I hoped for my life is my reality.

However...

Even though so many wonderful things have happened, I can honestly say that in the past decade there have been so many things that I did not expect to be part of our journey.

I never expected to come home one day and find that someone had broken into our home. Stealing several thousands of dollars’ worth of memories.

I never expected to wake up one morning and realize my house was quickly becoming an island. We had minutes to get out of our house. One car already totaled from the water.

I never expected our house to catch on fire.

I never realized how many days would be dedicated to the broken appliances and a car that needs to go to the shop.

I never anticipated our dog getting hit by the car and the kitties running away.

I never expected Carter to lose his job after the recession hit.

I sure never saw the friendships that would be no longer.

I never expected to take it so brutally hard when we had our failed adoption.

I didn’t expect the whole parenting thing to be so challenging. I never expected so many tears to come with it, both from my children and myself.

I didn’t realize how many different seasons you experience as a married couple. The moments where you look into each other’s eyes and question one another’s actions, intentions or love. I never thought that I would have days where I really questioned the whole gig.

I never realized that there would not just be hard days… but there would be hard years.

You see, when I looked ahead at my life I saw all the moments of the mountaintops. I didn’t see the valleys.

I saw all of my dreams coming true… but I never realized that the same life that would make my dreams come true would be the very life that brought forth my nightmares.

My friends, life is both extremely wonderful and extremely difficult. We have moments on the mountaintops and moments on the valleys. I don’t think we need to fear the valleys, but I do think we need to understand that they will be part of our journey to the top.

If you find yourself in a valley today. Keep your head up. Try to find beauty right where you are. Where you are today, is not where you will always be, but where you are today is part of the journey to where you are going.

And that my friend, is a beautiful thing.

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A Few Words for the Girl In that White Dress

Get ready for your adventure to begin. You are beginning a long voyage and there is no way to prepare you for what lies ahead. Your life may turn out to be everything you expect or nothing that you predict, or perhaps it will be both, all rolled up into one glorious experience.

I would like to encourage you to let go of some of your expectations. You are predicting a fairy tale when your life will feel more like a rollercoaster.

You will have tough times ahead. It's ok. Every marriage does. Hold your head up. You are strong enough to do this.

Stop thinking you will do this perfect. You can’t. You will fail. It’s ok. Take a breath. Failure is full of opportunity if you let it unfold. Don’t hate your failure. Hate your fear.

Don’t listen to those who come only to tear you down, including those thoughts inside of yourself. They come only to keep you intimidated from unlocking your full potential.

People will look at you and judge how you live. Let them look. Let them judge. But don’t perform for them. Don’t try to be anything. Just be you.

You will doubt yourself but don’t for long. 

Press on and don’t stop. Ever. 

Stop looking around for other people to tell you that you are worthy. Stop it! You are worthy. It is not your husbands’, friends’, families’, or anyone else’s job to give you worth. You must find it yourself and own it. No one else can give it to you.

You are a wife now, you are not a trophy. You were not meant to be put on a shelf or in a box. You only need to be you. You are enough.

Remember to never compare your life to those around you. Your life will never look like “their” life. Ever. You can’t be them. You suck at being them. (Just trust me on this.) You, be you. It is the only person you can rock. So rock it.

Your life can be every bit of adventure that you predict; however, your adventure will be lived through the years of time. Your days may feel long, but your years will fly by.

Marriage is often entered with the thoughts of companionship, but there are days that marriage can feel very isolating. Don’t stay in isolation for long. Life must be lived with others. Don’t allow yourself to stay in seclusion. Reach out. Please. Seek support. 

Be resolute in not living a life full of secrets. It is not worth it.

Marriage can feel beautiful, wonderful, exhausting, difficult, horrible, exciting and can be the absolute best experience in this life. If possible, don't give up.

I pray that your husband is a kind, respectful, honest partner for you to live beside. However, no matter who he chooses to be. Remember not to lose yourself in your partnership. Never allow yourself to disappear. You are essential to this world.

We need you to be you.

Much love and many blessings, Haley

My Life As a Mom is Slowly Flying By

I was 38 weeks pregnant when a scheduled C-section made me a mom. It was a beautiful Thursday morning in the Ozarks. Although I had not quite carried her full term, I felt more than overdue. I was ready to be a mom. It seemed that my entire life had led up to this point. I was ready to hold my baby. Up to that moment, she had only resided within me, but with a quick spinal block and a full surgical team, they pulled her from my womb.

And just like *that* she changed my world.

I remember being surprised that the doctor held my child up like a baby kitten by the back of the neck. I looked at her and instantly fell in love with the screaming baby being held like Simba.

They wrapped her up and brought her close to my face. Although I could hardly see her through my tears, I knew she was perfect. We took our pictures and fully celebrated. When it was time for her to go they wheeled her out of the room with her daddy by her side.

I’m sure it took more than a few minutes for them to finish up my procedure, but I don’t remember being separated for long. They took me into the post-op room and quickly brought Epsie to me. I cried and cried as I held her for the first time. She was the most beautiful being I had ever laid eyes on.

After longing for years to be a mom, this child had quite literally made my dreams come true.

The drugs started kicking in, my words began to slur together, and it was time for her bath, so she went off again and I stayed to rest after the morning’s exciting events.

This day was over six years ago now and so much has happened since.

These years as a mom have changed me. Not only do I feel like I have aged, but I am such a different person than I was on that day six years ago when I held her for the first time.

I have heard stories of how fast time goes by with children, but to tell you the truth, it hasn’t always felt like time was flying by. In many ways, it kind of feels like the last six years of my life have been filled with the time of thirty years. I have lived days that have felt like months and weeks that have felt like years. Some days the last fifteen minutes before Carter gets home from work have felt like an eternity that I might not survive.

There have been plenty of days when I felt like I was quite possibly losing my mind.

When I look at my life, the days seem to have slowed since having kids; however, when I look at my children, I can’t believe how quickly it has went. I am continually shocked by how old my Epsie Marie is looking. With each passing year it seems to grow more surreal to look at pictures of her past. Where is my baby? Where is that little girl who came out of me so tiny, yet fierce? Ready to tell the world that she had arrived.

How can her little life seem to have started just yesterday, but I struggle to remember what my life was before she was in it? 

How can time seem to tick forward so slowly and speed by all at once?

This year, I sent my sweet Epsie marie to kindergarten.

How is that possible? As I prepared to send her to school for her first year, I spent some time thinking about my mothering journey up to this point. 

Life as a mom is hard. It is a daily struggle that can often feel like we are ten steps behind where we should be. The mundane events bring with it many small and large defeats that leave us feeling unsure if we are doing things right. Our days are filled with many tasks that are left undone and moments that didn’t turn out as we expected.

But our years… our years are a different story. As we look back at our years, we are filled with gratitude. Suddenly, the dishes that were left in the sink and the child that threw more tantrums than acceptable isn’t that important.

It is then that we realize that those big things weren’t so big and the small things were more important than we realized.

As we look back, it is so much easier to see the beauty in the journey. We see our growing children and realize we have obviously been doing something right. It is so much easier to feel pride in it all and suddenly those long days don’t seem so long. Somehow those horrible moments that left us feeling defeated and overwhelmed are the very moments that make us feel proud now.

We did it.

We survived. And somehow through all the difficult moments, we learned how to thrive. This whole parenting gig is quite the experience but one that is absolutely a privilege to have.  

Much love and many blessings.

-Haley

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