You Were Born to Feel Alive.

We had our first child, Epsie, in June of 2011. While stepping into motherhood was amazing in most ways, I wouldn’t describe it as the “easiest” experience. Our daughter was so sweet, cuddly, and perfect; however, she cried much of the evenings and wasn’t too keen on sleeping much at night.

I found myself awake through the night for months after she was born. She liked to be held while she slept. I mean, who can blame her?? But if I laid her down, she cried, and I was nervous to sleep while holding her. So, we “compromised”. I stayed awake and held her so she could sleep. Randomly, I remember watching all the seasons of Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives. When I look back on this time, it has a bit of a weird vibe. No sleep and lots of “girly tv”.

I was doing my best to get through, but I would not say I was thriving.

I remember when my daughter was a few weeks old, sitting by the pool, zoning out as I stared into the water. There were people all around me, but I felt like I could just go to sleep. I was thinking to myself in a slow, tired rhythm, “How can I keep going like this? How do people do this? Is this just my life now? Forever tired? Dreading the nighttime?”

Motherhood was blissful, for sure.

But I was most definitely in survival mode. 

By the time December rolled around we had pushed through on getting her to sleep and by January, I was ready to start a new beginning. I felt like a new woman now that I was sleeping again.

So, I did what many of us do and I used the new year to focus on the things I was going to change. And I did. 

I made many changes, some for my physical health and others for my spiritual health. I wanted to feel different when the next year rolled around. 

I got a plan and moved toward that plan of action.

Working out. Journaling. Prayer time. Goals for my family and my marriage. Fasting. I really held nothing back. I can be a real go-getter when I’m in the mood…

This was one of those years that I did what I set out to do, and it was the start of a new season of my life.

I grabbed ahold of the realization that my life was full of possibilities, but I also knew it was going to take work on my part.

Most of us have had seasons in our lives where we feel out of order, but the question is what did we do about it? If we want to take the Adventure God made for us, then it is going to take a lot of effort on our part. No matter what we believe about “fate” or “destiny” it is important that we all understand our decision to live out the purpose God created us for must be chosen by us. 

God does not force any of us to pay the price of our destiny.

And there most certainly is a price.

Experiencing the life God has for us means that we are willing to get out of our comfort zone and do things that we feel anxious doing. We must live a life of being comfortable with the experience of being uncomfortable. 

We must learn to push ourselves.

We must learn to listen to what God is saying, get a plan to take action toward it, and most importantly, take the action!

Here in a couple weeks, I am going to be offering an opportunity to join my 10 Day Kickstart into the new year. I am going to help you get a plan for the year and figure out what God wants you to do. I don’t want any of us to end the 2024 feeling disappointed with it.

Our life with God must be deliberate. And it certainly cannot be limited to reading the Bible or listening to good sermons. Yuck. That’s only the beginning. As Christians, we must all be discovering the grand Adventure of becoming who God created us to become and doing what He created us to do.

It is the greatest call in our life to discover the purpose we were put on this Earth for and become the person God created us to be. 

We were created to live with God and fully come alive while we are here.

Do you feel alive?

-Haley

Ps. Remember, the Earth is waiting for you to show up. 

It Is Vital My Kids Learn This One Skill...

There are so many things I hope to teach my children. In many ways, teaching them all the things I hope to feels like an impossible task. However, there are a few skills that I focus heavily on to teach my kids. I believe one of the very best things I can do is teach my children…

Their choices matter.

A lot.

One way I teach them the power of their choices is to not remove all the possibilities to make wrong ones. I keep some temptation in reach so they get to choose for themselves.

For instance, when my daughter was three years old she got a makeup set. I put it in a drawer she could reach, but I told her she was only allowed to use the makeup when she asked and I approved. This proved to be a struggle for her. She loved her makeup and wanted to use it whenever she wanted. She didn’t want to ask and she didn’t want to have any rules with her makeup.

This provided her an opportunity to learn about choices and to practice self-control.

The first time she used it without asking, I told her she had lost the privilege of the makeup for a certain length of time but I kept it in the same drawer.

I didn’t remove the choice.

I gave her another opportunity to respect or disrespect the rule.

I explained if she used the makeup again without asking, I would put it in a place she couldn’t reach for a much longer time. Ultimately, if she wasn’t willing to respect the rules she wouldn’t get to keep the makeup and we could try again when she was older.

Through the years, she used restraint at times and other times not so much. She has lost the privilege of makeup for weeks at a time and kept it for months at a time.

The makeup has been up high and the makeup has been down low.

When she chose to ask BEFORE using it, I made a big deal out of how respectful SHE had chosen to be. I would always tell her I knew how hard it was for her to ask before using it. I always clarified that it was her choice and she had made a great, respectful choice.

I would celebrate her self-control because self-control is something to celebrate.

You may be asking yourself, why would I put myself through this? Why not put the makeup on the top shelf so I didn’t have to deal with the hassle?

Simple.

This has nothing to do with makeup.

This is about my job to prepare my children for the world. This is about raising human beings that can be around something they want and refrain from taking it. This is about learning they don’t always get to do whatever they want.

This is about learning respect. Both, respect for authority and respect for boundaries.

This is one example of hundreds of times I have given my children a choice to control themselves… or not to.

When I set a boundary, I hope they will respect it, but truthfully, when they don’t I am given a grand opportunity. I am given an opportunity to teach them I can be trusted when I speak and I will follow through on what I say. I am given the opportunity to teach them their choices matter and they will reap what they sow.

I am given the opportunity for them to fail and have to face it. I am given the opportunity to show them grace, speak truth to them, and forgive them. I am given the opportunity to give them another chance. Of course, after the consequence has been fulfilled.

I am not going to wait until my children are teenagers and I realize it is too late for me to teach them self-control and they have to learn it the hard way with much larger consequences.

I hope they can learn in these early years how much their choices matter. I hope they can understand how hard it can be to control themselves, but there is great pride in doing so.

My dream for my children is they can be adults who are capable of owning their choices and controlling themselves.

Even when it’s something as “tempting” as a brand new makeup set…

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Having One Child Was Harder than Having Four

Motherhood is hard. Period. Whether you have one, two, or twenty children you will feel stretched to the max. However, I recently had my fourth child and I have been surprised by how easily our life has transitioned with our most recent addition. I have been thinking back to what life was like as a new mom and I can’t help but feel it has been easier to have four children than it was to have one.

Let me explain…

I know how I like to parent.

When I had my first child I sought a lot of advice. I quickly learned what works great for someone else doesn’t necessarily work for me. It took a long time to find my groove, but in time, I did. Now, I understand all of us parent very differently. What works for you may or may not work for me and that is perfectly fine!

I understand none of it lasts forever… actually, it all goes fast.

Our first child was a happy baby, but she didn’t like to sleep. I will never forget living in a daze for months wondering if this was going to be the rest of my life. Is this motherhood? Feeling like a zombie?

How are all these other moms walking around looking like normal people?

I felt so overwhelmed. Now I know that no matter how hard a stage is, whether it is a sleepless baby or a tantrum throwing toddler, none of it lasts forever. Actually, looking back, it goes very quickly which helps me not get so overwhelmed by frustrating stages.

Zipper pajamas.

Pajamas that zip, gripe water for hiccups, and muslin blankets, these are just a few of the things that I rely heavily on for my life with a baby. Simply put, I know the products I like and the systems I use to take care of my babies.

My life has not been turned upside down.

My life before kids was free of the chaos that children bring. After we had our daughter, our world was turned upside down. Crying, sleepless nights, bath times, and so many other changes came roaring into my life. After one child, I had to learn how I wanted to deal with all of these things. Eight years later, our life is still crazy, but we are no longer surprised by it! Adding another baby doesn’t seem so different.

I’m not alone. I have three helpers.

With our most recent child, our older children have been so helpful! They all love to help take care of their little brother. If each of them help me with ten small things a day, like putting their brothers pacifier in or getting me a diaper, that is thirty things I DIDN’T have to do! My oldest daughter has even been getting her brother dressed before school. She loves it and it is such a blessing!

I’ve learned its ok to still do the things I like to do.

For months after we had our first child, I felt consumed by motherhood. I honestly felt like I lost myself for a while. I often felt bad if I did things outside of being a mom. Now, I don’t feel bad. I have learned that it is not only helpful, but necessary for me to be a good mom.

I have passions and while my children are one of my greatest passions, they are not my only one.

I’ve learned babies cry.

Spoiler alert: babies cry. When I was a new mom, I felt every time my baby fussed or cried something must be wrong. I’ve learned, sometimes babies just cry. We can do our best to soothe them and meet their needs, but even the happiest babies will have moments that are hard to comfort and this is ok. This doesn’t mean anything about my mothering or if I have a good baby or not. It simply means, babies cry.

I know I’m a good mom and I’m don’t have to prove it.

Becoming a mom is stressful. Of all the things to fail at, I really didn’t want to fail at raising humans. I felt like I had to prove I was a good mom. Now, I get it. I don’t have to prove anything. I now know I am the best mom for my kids and I am a great one. Do I fail? Absolutely! But at the end of the day, I am raising amazing human beings and I have a built a confidence through the years that I didn’t have at first.

I don’t need this kid to be anything for me.

When I was expecting my first child, I had so many hopes and dreams. I wanted to have the perfect nursery, the perfect outfits, and the perfect child. See anything that might prove to be a problem here? Yeah, all of it. (Actually, her nursery was pretty perfect.) Obviously, no matter how much I tried, perfection was not going to happen. With my first, I put so much pressure and expectation on the experience. Now, four kids later, I don’t feel pressure, I feel free to enjoy the experience without the expectation for it to be perfect. I have “been there done that” and carry so much less pressure for my fourth sweet baby.

I don’t feel the need to keep it all together.

Motherhood is hard. No matter how long I do it and no matter how many kids I have there are moments I simply need to have a breakdown. I have to reach out to other moms for advice and support. Motherhood isn’t meant to be conquered, it is meant to be experienced. And that experience includes a lot of tears.

Motherhood is a crazy ride. Each year, heck, each day is a brand new adventure! I am no longer surprised by the chaos of it all. I know that some nights go as planned and some don’t.

Having four kids has a lot of crazy moments, but so does having one…

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My Kids Don't Need a Perfect Mom

There I was, driving in my car, completely overwhelmed with mom guilt. I hadn’t handled everything perfectly and I felt bad.

I should have done it better. I should have been better.

I felt I should be a better mom and I began to devise a plan to never fail… ever again.

Because that’s what a good mom does, right?

Of all the things to be a failure at, we don’t want to fail at raising other human beings.

Motherhood is this big giant thing that none of us want to get wrong. There is so much that we handle, dinners, dressing our kids, school parties and activities, watching over their health, social interactions, friendship struggles, all the while trying to be sure we are raising kind, respectful, fun to be around human beings.

It’s kind of a lot of pressure.

And moms carry a lot of the load.

Sometimes as a mom it can all feel so heavy.

It is a huge undertaking to raise little humans. One big task that is built of a hundred small tasks in a day. We can easily begin to believe each of these small tasks is the breaking point to whether our children will succeed or not.

It can begin to feel like it all depends on us doing it right.

As I drove in the car that day, I had a realization. I was making a mistake, but not the one I thought I had made.

I was holding myself to an impossible standard.

Perfection.

Instead of allowing myself to be human, and simply give myself grace for the small failure. I was being too hard on myself.

As I thought about it, I realized this was a major problem.

First of all, I’m not perfect and never will be, so attempting to achieve perfection was always going to leave us all disappointed.

Second of all, even if I were, can you imagine how horrible that would be for my children?

I mean, really.

Can you imagine growing up and have a perfect person be your role model? As if, my children need an impossible bar they will never be able to reach?

My children don’t need me to be perfect. In fact, that’s the last thing they need.

They need me to fail, so they can see how I get back up. They need to see me get it wrong. They need to see me overreact, underreact, and react just right.

They don’t need me to be perfect. They need me to teach them how to be imperfect.

They need me to teach them how messy and imperfect life can be because that is the life they will have to face for themselves one day.

I do not want to raise my children in a bubble of perfection. Where nothing is ever out of place, ever forgotten, or ever mishandled.

I want to teach them about real life and lots of things to go imperfectly in life.

They don't needle to be a perfect mom. They need me to be the imperfect mom who falls on her face, owns it, gets back up, and tries again. All while giving myself grace and encouraging my kids to do the same.

What if failing is not the worst thing I could ever do as a mom, but one of the best?

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Five Crazy Things That I Learned From Mom

Most of us are blessed with amazing women as moms. I am no exception. I am one of seven children and each of us will tell you that our mom had a major role in shaping who we are today.

My mom is a straight shooter who tells it as she sees it. She goes against a lot of what the world says today is “good parenting” and let me tell you that I am forever grateful for that. She was very involved in each of our lives but challenged us each step of the way. She never viewed it as her job to make life easy for us, but to equip us for this life.

Without my mom, I would not be who I am today, here are a few of the lessons she has taught me through the years.

We are not what we do

My mom constantly told us that our achievements did not define us. She actually warned us that finding great success can confuse us to where our real value should be found. For instance, my older brother played sports from the time he was three through college. I heard her say his entire life. “You are not what you do.” She even encouraged my sister who got amazing grades not to put her value in it.

My mom firmly believes that our value will never be safe if we base it on our achievements. She constantly encouraged all of us not to take our achievements to our heart, but to find our value in who we are, not what we do.

The World doesn’t revolve around me

I am one of seven kids. My parents were often unable to make it to every activity or achievement of mine because my siblings had conflicting activities. I, of course, had moments that I wished they were there, but over time I really embraced the reality that the world did not revolve around me.

I learned to value the things that other people had going on in their lives.

All of us kids understood there were only two of our parents and seven of us. If any of us ever complained about my parents not being there, we received very little sympathy. My mom expected us to know that we were important even if they were unable to make it to each event we had. Many people may feel this is sad, but to be honest, it is one of the things I value most about growing up with many siblings.

Intentions Matter

When we were growing up, my mom constantly challenged our “why”. Why were we doing what we are doing? We were constantly confronted about our intentions, not our actions.

Good grades, behaving, and doing well in sports, didn’t cut it for my mom. Whenever my mom felt suspicious, she called us out on it. Even for our “good” behaviors, she asked us about our motives.

I often felt she was blowing things out of proportion. But as I have gotten older, I realized that she wasn’t blowing things out of proportion. She was hitting the nail on the head. I hated it at the time, but only because she was usually right.

Differences should be celebrated

My family is filled with strong, opinionated, talented people. We are all different heights, with different looks, different strengths, and different weaknesses. This gave each of us plenty of opportunities to feel inadequate. My parents were not shy about celebrating our strengths and being honest about our weaknesses.

My mom loved that we were all different and encouraged us to embrace it. She still often talks about how much she loves our differences.

Embrace truth

My mom has zero desire to live in a La La Land and tends to highly offend people who value that lifestyle. As I have gotten older, it is one of the things I absolutely love most about her.  She calls it like she sees it and she sees it differently than most.

Even when I disagree with her, I appreciate her perspective. She sees the world in a unique way and I have learned a lot from her view.

I love you, mom. Thank you so much for who you are and all of the things that you were determined to teach us. I hope to do just as good as you in my attempt to raise a handful of human beings.

Wish me luck.

 

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Breakdowns Often Lead to Breakthroughs

Breakdowns are not the most enjoyable experience, but they happen to us all. Well, at least they happen to me. Recently, I had quite the breakdown...

I had been feeling overwhelmed for months. I kept trying to find my way out of this feeling, but I couldn’t seem to.

It all felt confusing and slippery. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what was really bothering me. I tried to talk about it, but it didn’t seem to help. Until one night when my emotions collided with my circumstance and I finally felt the dam break loose. I sat on my couch, crying to my husband.

I cried and talked and cried some more.

As I talked, our kiddos were going wild, our doggie was ringing her potty bell and I was painfully aware that every hamper in our house was overflowing with dirty laundry.

I felt more overwhelmed as I seem to be unable to even have an uninterrupted breakdown.

My voice cracked and I closed my eyes.

I felt ashamed and I wanted to stop talking. I have said a lot of hard things to Carter in my life and these were by far not the most difficult. However, even after years of living vulnerably, it is still sometimes hard for me to share some of the intimate places within myself… especially when I feel like it sounds silly or overdramatic.

No matter how silly I felt, I knew I had to keep talking. As I continued, I finally felt I was uncovering the real reason I was feeling overwhelmed.

The fog felt like it was lifting and I felt like I could see clearly what was really happening within me.

I started to feel better.

 Relief.

I have spent years learning how to process through my experiences and emotions in order to move forward in my life. Putting words to my frustrations, fears, anger, and shame has been vitally important and most helpful.

When I speak my fears out loud it helps me put them in perspective. Talking them out helps me pinpoint thoughts and mindsets that need to be corrected.

Understanding who I am is a huge priority in my life. I want to understand my struggle, but ultimately I want to conquer it.

I am always looking to grow from who I am to who I could be and breakdowns are the perfect opportunity for self-evaluation. My unfiltered emotions reveal things within me that are typically buried deep. Stressful circumstances are a great opportunity to sit back and listen to myself.

From my experience, the biggest breakdowns have the potential to give way to the greatest breakthroughs. It doesn’t always feel the most pleasant, but can pay off big time.  

Don’t fear the breakdown. Find someone who is safe to breakdown with. Let them love you. Let them listen to you, but more importantly, listen to yourself. Say the things that you feel, even if they are ridiculous.

Not to give your emotions the power, but to take the power back from them.

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It’s Ok to Make Mistakes {But Not Really}

“It’s ok to make mistakes.”

This is something I have heard since I was a kid. As I have gotten older, I have become increasingly aware of how untrue this statement is.

When is the last time that you made a mistake? A real mistake. How was it handled? Were you given grace for your mistake? Shame? Consequence? Punishment? Retribution?

More often than not, I have seen people pay for the mistakes they have made. We don’t act like it is just “ok” to make a mistake. Small or large we like people to be held accountable for their missteps.

We like things to make sense and people paying for their mistakes makes sense.

There was a time in my life I became a little bit obsessed with trying not to make a mistake. Let’s say this a bit differently…

There was a time in my life that I tried to be perfect.

And I failed.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be perfect. (Big surprise.)

The more I tried not to make a mistake, the more aware I became of my mistakes, and the more I obsessed over them. I had no ability to offer myself grace because I felt so aware of my inadequacy. I felt like a failure.

My life became quite miserable.

I just didn’t know how to make mistakes and be ok with it. I did not have the skill to fail well. To be honest, I am still learning how to fail appropriately.

It is hard for me to feel it is simply “ok” to make a mistake. It doesn’t feel ok.

I often replay the experience over and over in my head. Each time a fresh wave of shame is there to make my face feel warm and shoulders feel tight. I do not like to say things I shouldn’t have said and do things I shouldn’t have done.

 I do not like to get things wrong. I like to get things right.

However, it seems that my mistakes are a part of my life that I am unable to remove. Maybe that is the point?

Maybe this life should be less about trying to strive for perfection and more about living in grace.

Abundant grace made available for any mistake that has been and that is yet to come. Grace for the mistakes and grace for the failures. Grace for others and grace for ourselves.

Instead of attempting to live in a façade of perfection, I will choose to embrace the messy reality of who I am. I own the fact that I am not perfect and I never will be. I embrace it and I will choose to be kind to myself as I do my best in this life.

I can guarantee that I will not do it perfectly, but that’s ok because…

“It’s ok to make mistakes.”

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Ruining My Life... One Expectation at a Time

Hopes. Dreams. Expectations. Plans. Goals. Desires.

They are all wonderfully beautiful things... until they aren’t.

There is an art to having expectations. The trick is to find the sweet spot. Right where they push you forward, but don’t hold you back.

I have always been a very positive person and I have never been short on hopes for my future. These hopes turned into plans and then I would then execute those plans. As I did, I expected everything to go exactly according to my very sunny expectations.

Expectations.

Such a simple word with a whole lot of implication.

I realized something interesting about my expectations… well… that they were ruining my life.

I guess to be fair it wasn’t actually my expectations that were stealing from me, it was my inability to let go of them. I mean seriously, I would clinch those things in my hands until there was no life left in them at all.  I didn’t want to let go.

I would hold on to them like some crazy lunatic who just could not get the message that things were not going to play out like she thought.

My expectations have affected every part of my life, but have probably affected my relationship with Carter the most. They almost functioned as a third person in our relationship. 

I let my expectations call the shots far too often. I would ruin an entire experience because it went differently than I expected it to. It was so stinkin’ silly.

When things didn’t fall in line, I was not ok with it. I felt entitled to my expectations. I felt as if I was owed them. I wanted things to go perfectly, but when they didn’t, I couldn’t find a new “perfect”. I would waste so much time thinking about what “should have been”.

I was missing out on so many things because they were turning out different than I expected.

We should expect wonderful things in this life; however, we should not stop moving forward when things happen that are not expected. It isn’t easy, that’s for sure. But I want to be very clear about something that I discovered along the way.

My life was not the problem.

My husband was not the problem.

My problem was my inability to understand that this life is not lived out according to a pre-written script.

This life is organic and alive. This life is full of twists and turns more beautiful and gut-wrenching than anything that we can possibly imagine.

It is not so much our plans that will indicate what kind of life we have, but the ability to adapt to the change of plans that will define our life.

My sweet friends, aim yourself to the moon, but when you find your experiences falling short of what you hoped, don’t forget to enjoy the stars.

(Yes, that just happened. I referenced the "shoot for the moon" saying. Classic.)

Much love and many blessings, Haley

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Living the Dream, One Nightmare at a Time

If you would’ve asked me when we got married what our lives would look like in a decade I would’ve said something like this…

I saw Carter and I married with a handful of kiddos, both through pregnancy and adoption.

We would be living outside of a small town, with a bit of land and owning a pet or two.

We would have travelled the world.

 I would be staying at home with my kids, possibly working a day or two outside the home. I thought Carter would be working in the finance world and I hoped that he would enjoy his job.

Of course, I planned on being more in love with my husband than ever.

You want to hear something crazy?

 Every single one of the things that I hoped for my life is my reality.

However...

Even though so many wonderful things have happened, I can honestly say that in the past decade there have been so many things that I did not expect to be part of our journey.

I never expected to come home one day and find that someone had broken into our home. Stealing several thousands of dollars’ worth of memories.

I never expected to wake up one morning and realize my house was quickly becoming an island. We had minutes to get out of our house. One car already totaled from the water.

I never expected our house to catch on fire.

I never realized how many days would be dedicated to the broken appliances and a car that needs to go to the shop.

I never anticipated our dog getting hit by the car and the kitties running away.

I never expected Carter to lose his job after the recession hit.

I sure never saw the friendships that would be no longer.

I never expected to take it so brutally hard when we had our failed adoption.

I didn’t expect the whole parenting thing to be so challenging. I never expected so many tears to come with it, both from my children and myself.

I didn’t realize how many different seasons you experience as a married couple. The moments where you look into each other’s eyes and question one another’s actions, intentions or love. I never thought that I would have days where I really questioned the whole gig.

I never realized that there would not just be hard days… but there would be hard years.

You see, when I looked ahead at my life I saw all the moments of the mountaintops. I didn’t see the valleys.

I saw all of my dreams coming true… but I never realized that the same life that would make my dreams come true would be the very life that brought forth my nightmares.

My friends, life is both extremely wonderful and extremely difficult. We have moments on the mountaintops and moments on the valleys. I don’t think we need to fear the valleys, but I do think we need to understand that they will be part of our journey to the top.

If you find yourself in a valley today. Keep your head up. Try to find beauty right where you are. Where you are today, is not where you will always be, but where you are today is part of the journey to where you are going.

And that my friend, is a beautiful thing.

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My Life As a Mom is Slowly Flying By

I was 38 weeks pregnant when a scheduled C-section made me a mom. It was a beautiful Thursday morning in the Ozarks. Although I had not quite carried her full term, I felt more than overdue. I was ready to be a mom. It seemed that my entire life had led up to this point. I was ready to hold my baby. Up to that moment, she had only resided within me, but with a quick spinal block and a full surgical team, they pulled her from my womb.

And just like *that* she changed my world.

I remember being surprised that the doctor held my child up like a baby kitten by the back of the neck. I looked at her and instantly fell in love with the screaming baby being held like Simba.

They wrapped her up and brought her close to my face. Although I could hardly see her through my tears, I knew she was perfect. We took our pictures and fully celebrated. When it was time for her to go they wheeled her out of the room with her daddy by her side.

I’m sure it took more than a few minutes for them to finish up my procedure, but I don’t remember being separated for long. They took me into the post-op room and quickly brought Epsie to me. I cried and cried as I held her for the first time. She was the most beautiful being I had ever laid eyes on.

After longing for years to be a mom, this child had quite literally made my dreams come true.

The drugs started kicking in, my words began to slur together, and it was time for her bath, so she went off again and I stayed to rest after the morning’s exciting events.

This day was over six years ago now and so much has happened since.

These years as a mom have changed me. Not only do I feel like I have aged, but I am such a different person than I was on that day six years ago when I held her for the first time.

I have heard stories of how fast time goes by with children, but to tell you the truth, it hasn’t always felt like time was flying by. In many ways, it kind of feels like the last six years of my life have been filled with the time of thirty years. I have lived days that have felt like months and weeks that have felt like years. Some days the last fifteen minutes before Carter gets home from work have felt like an eternity that I might not survive.

There have been plenty of days when I felt like I was quite possibly losing my mind.

When I look at my life, the days seem to have slowed since having kids; however, when I look at my children, I can’t believe how quickly it has went. I am continually shocked by how old my Epsie Marie is looking. With each passing year it seems to grow more surreal to look at pictures of her past. Where is my baby? Where is that little girl who came out of me so tiny, yet fierce? Ready to tell the world that she had arrived.

How can her little life seem to have started just yesterday, but I struggle to remember what my life was before she was in it? 

How can time seem to tick forward so slowly and speed by all at once?

This year, I sent my sweet Epsie marie to kindergarten.

How is that possible? As I prepared to send her to school for her first year, I spent some time thinking about my mothering journey up to this point. 

Life as a mom is hard. It is a daily struggle that can often feel like we are ten steps behind where we should be. The mundane events bring with it many small and large defeats that leave us feeling unsure if we are doing things right. Our days are filled with many tasks that are left undone and moments that didn’t turn out as we expected.

But our years… our years are a different story. As we look back at our years, we are filled with gratitude. Suddenly, the dishes that were left in the sink and the child that threw more tantrums than acceptable isn’t that important.

It is then that we realize that those big things weren’t so big and the small things were more important than we realized.

As we look back, it is so much easier to see the beauty in the journey. We see our growing children and realize we have obviously been doing something right. It is so much easier to feel pride in it all and suddenly those long days don’t seem so long. Somehow those horrible moments that left us feeling defeated and overwhelmed are the very moments that make us feel proud now.

We did it.

We survived. And somehow through all the difficult moments, we learned how to thrive. This whole parenting gig is quite the experience but one that is absolutely a privilege to have.  

Much love and many blessings.

-Haley

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Behind on Life

So at what point in life will I actually feel like I am able to accomplish everything that needs to be done?

Because I feel behind… a lot.

The “to-do” list never ends. I feel like I should be doing more things, better. Even right now, I am typing this during the evening. I don’t usually like to write in the evening, but here I am behind.

Most of the time I wake up feeling like I should’ve woken up earlier and I go to bed feeling like I should have gotten more done.

It isn’t just one thing in my life that I feel like I may be falling short on...

I have insurance papers that need to be filled out, mail to sort, calls to make and texts to return.

I need to go grocery shopping and should be cooking at home more.

I am behind on cleaning, dishes and laundry.

I am tired, but who has time to be tired ? I long to rest, but if I spend the kids’ naptime resting and doing nothing, I feel like I wasted the afternoon.

The thought of working out doesn’t even cross my mind anymore, considering I don’t even give the time to wash my hair if I can get by another day.

I have so many thoughts on things I want to write, but sit down and struggle to complete an entire piece. I have vlogs I need to shoot and guest posts I need to edit.

Don’t even get me started on the things left to do before Christmas.

I am doing my best, but my best is not getting everything done.

To be honest, this usually brings me a lot of stress and shame; however, I have been vigilant in not allowing my shame to control me. If I allow it, shame will tell me every single day of my life that I am a failure. No matter how much I accomplish shame will always be there to tell me it wasn’t enough.  Right now, I am focused on this process.

I am committed to telling my shame to shut up.

Tonight, I am going to write this and let it be what it is. I’m not going to be ashamed that it isn’t better. It is what it is and that is enough. I am not going to focus on all of the things that I should have done differently today.

I am not going to focus on the fact that I fell short, but I will choose to focus on the fact that I did my best.

Parenthood has taught me that the "to-do" list is never finished. Ever. EVER. So I must no longer be driven by it.

I must be driven by my desire to live this life, not just get it done.

We have got to stop allowing ourselves to believe that we are failing. We have to stop being ashamed of our lives. We have to stop being ashamed of ourselves. We can’t keep going like this. I know that this life is intense, but we have to start holding our head up. We are doing our best. We are moving forward.

This life should not be defined by how much we have checked off of our “to-do” list, but by how well we can live our life as we accomplish the things that need to be done.

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Dealing with Discouragement

Seriously, I have to do this again? I have to be here… again? I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be disappointed. I want to move on. I want to not care. But I do. I do care.

I am tired of feeling disappointed in this life.

I am tired of resenting my hope.

It is easy to resent hope because it is only after hope that I find myself disappointed. And shortly after disappointment comes discouragement. But I hate discouragement more than I hate disappointment. I hate being discouraged. I hate being overwhelmed.

I am a handler. I like to handle things, not to be handled by them.

I like to have strength, knowledge, and wisdom to deal with every obstacle that comes my way. I like to have a plan to proceed forward with finding success. And I enjoy having my to-do list that I can check off my small victories.

I like victories.

I don’t like to feel like I am losing. I don’t like to feel like I am falling behind. Isn’t it so easy to feel like we are falling behind? In a moment we can be hit with the revelation that we are lagging. We should be farther. We should be more. We should be better.

I hate these moments.

I hate the moments that tell me I should be more than I am.

That my life should be more than it is.

I hate the seconds of my life that discouragement tells me how to feel… and I listen. I hate it. I don’t want to listen to my discouragement, but at times it feels like the only voice I can hear. I try to quiet the voice and speak firm to my discouragement. Sometimes it happens so subtly that I fail to realize what is even happening. I fail to realize who I am listening to.

You see, discouragement tries to get me to sit down and stop. Discouragement tells me that I will never catch up and that in the end, I will lose anyway.

Discouragement tells me to quit.

I was telling Carter the other day that it is funny because I wouldn’t call myself a quitter; (I actually can’t think of anything at the moment that I have actually quit) however, I think about quitting things a lot.

One example of this is when I thought about starting a blog for years. Finally, last June I began to force myself to take action toward my goal. Funny enough, I “quit” my blog about six times before I even launched it. Haha! Carter would come home and I would tell him about the new thing that I was trying to learn, but I was pretty sure it was too hard and I needed to just quit. I would give myself a week or two and then get back at it to try again. It didn’t happen overnight, but six months later I launched myself a blog!

Even now, I will call Carter and tell him that I need to work on a blog post, but have come to the realization that I have nothing to say and don’t know why I have a blog. I give myself a moment… or a day and then I get back at it. Suddenly, I have something to say again and I wonder how I could have ever felt voiceless.

Truth is, quitting is not my style. It just doesn’t feel right to me. I guess I like breaks.

I am all about taking a break when things get tough.

Let’s not discount the very necessary experience of rest. Rest is perfect. If you are discouraged today, step back, breathe and rest.

Give yourself rest, but don’t quit.

Funny enough, discouragement often comes right before our greatest breakthroughs! Let’s not listen to the voice that tells us to quit because that voice cannot be trusted!

Let’s keep our heads up. We can do this!

-Haley

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Counting My Blessings

“The following is a guest blog by my mom, Shelly. My mom is an extraordinary woman. She has taught me how to fight for my life. Literally, everything good in my life would not have been possible if it weren’t for the things that she has taught me. I felt it very fitting to ask her to be a guest on my blog. I couldn’t help but be moved with tears when I read it. She is an inspirational fighter and I consider it my absolute privilege to have been raised by her. Enjoy. ”

— Haley

"Counting My Blessings"

The past five years of my life have been very difficult. I've been evaluating and asking myself how we've gotten through some of the hardest trials we've experienced. (Of course, besides the deaths of people we love that is a whole other category!) If I look over the past few years and focus on my disappointments I could come to the conclusion that life has really sucked. But the truth is, it hasn't.

Let me give you just a little background of where we've been...

I would consider us very blessed. I got married at 18 and my husband was 19. He stepped into a company that was started with family and it was very successful. Over the years, we acquired a lot… a lot of house, a lot of possessions and a lot of children. We had new cars and nice furniture, expensive clothes and a lifestyle of travel and fun. I never really had a budget… but probably should have!

I was able to be a stay at home mom and live the life of my dreams as I mothered my seven kids. We loved God, we were big givers and we were good people. I took care of my kids and we often opened up our home and took in other kids that needed a safe place.

Of course, in life there are many twist and turns so I will make this very long story short. Through many circumstances of life, family member deaths and a bad economy in February 2013 we lost pretty much everything we had acquired over 30 years of hard work and marriage.

Boom it was gone.

Our house, our company, our salary, our lifestyle was all taken from us. Our very hard fought fight to stay afloat had ended and we sat dumbfounded at what in the world was going to happen to us.

As I look back over that time I honestly don't know how we made it… but we did. It was absolutely overwhelming. I felt totally and completely unequipped to live this life with nothing. We felt too old to start over, but we actually had no other choice.

We live in a small town and everywhere I went I felt like literally all eyes were on me. It's quite the feeling when you are at your most vulnerable and you feel like everyone, real or imagined, is talking about your financial failures. 

Though, I didn't have much time to worry about that because my family was either going to sink or swim.

We still had a senior and sophomore in high school and a fourth grader living at home. My husband was exhausted and broken. There were days I felt like I was having to give him CPR on the boat deck while my kids were in deep water barely keeping their heads afloat. As I would breathe one breath into my husband on deck I would smile and yell overboard to my kids, "Don't worry, we're going to be fine, keep paddling, you're doing great!"

I felt gripped with panic and fear of what was going to happen to us.

I felt great pressure for me to be the stabilizing factor to all my family who looked to me to tell them everything was going to be ok. I had always played that roll in our family, but this time the stakes seemed really high. The truth is there were many times I was scared to death. It felt like the whole ship of this family would sink to the depths if I didn't keep myself together.

What do you do when you need to look brave, calm and in control, but you feel you are so ill-equipped and in the most uncharted territory of your lifetime?

For me, I only knew one thing to do. Pray. It wasn't like this was a new lifestyle for me. I am a praying woman, but it was a desperate kind of prayer.

 It was the kind of prayers that are whispered in the middle of the night and all through the day.

As always, my God was faithful to comfort me. In the beginning days I heard simple things like, "Breathe". I would simply stop and take a deep breath in. I would imagine I was breathing in peace and exhaling worry and fear. In the stillness of the night I would hear God say, "Everything is going to be all right".

I wrote the things that I had found out to be complete truths of God in my life.

1. God will never leave me or forsake me.

2. All things work together for good to those who love the Lord.

3. God has a plan for myself and my family.

4. God is faithful.

5. God loves us. (Even when we don't feel like circumstances are saying that.)

There were days I would have to read this list over and over just to get through the day. Each time, as I did this I found myself back at peace. It was the firm foundation I could come back to when I felt shaky. I felt like I had to be very diligent to do this daily and sometimes hourly.

Through this time, I learned some things from God and life that I believe are very foundational to help through times of crisis. After I became more stabilized I felt like I could begin to take some actions. These are some that helped me.

1. I had to purposely live in the moment.

Not just one day at a time, but literally one second at a time. No matter how hard it was I could not let myself be dragged from the moment I was living.  I could find peace there. There was no peace in the past of why or how this had happened. There was certainly no peace in the thinking of the future. How were we going to live with no income? Where were we going to live? How will we provide for our children? How will we get health insurance for our handicapped daughter? You know… those kind of “little” nagging questions that can weigh heavy on your mind!

2. I counted my blessings.

Every day I wrote down our blessings. That old hymn I was made to sing over and over in church came rushing back. "Please turn to hymn number 237, Count Your Blessings". So I did. Every single day I read over what blessing I had written down the day before. Then, I wrote down the new blessings that had come. Some days my blessings were big, miraculous and awe inspiring. Other days they were barely there… like, we were still alive!!

3. Lastly, I made an absolute choice to not feel sorry for myself. I would not allow myself to play the victim.

As I look back, I stand in amazement that we have always had what we needed as we needed it. We've had our needs met which is miraculous in itself, but more amazing to me is that we have not just survived we have thrived. It doesn't make sense, but that is just how God works!

 I have experienced joy on levels I have never experienced before. Peace is my companion in new ways that I have never had. Thankfulness and gratitude comes much more effortlessly.

Don't get me wrong, there are days when I call my close friends who have walked faithfully by my side through this dark, hard journey and I say overly dramatic statements that they know I don't mean.  I question how long this "blessed teaching moment" will continue and are tempted to throw a little temper tantrum.

Don't we all love these character building moments in this journey we call life? Not really.....except when I look at the person I've become and realize that God's plan really might be better than mine.

Who knew??

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