Counting My Blessings
“The following is a guest blog by my mom, Shelly. My mom is an extraordinary woman. She has taught me how to fight for my life. Literally, everything good in my life would not have been possible if it weren’t for the things that she has taught me. I felt it very fitting to ask her to be a guest on my blog. I couldn’t help but be moved with tears when I read it. She is an inspirational fighter and I consider it my absolute privilege to have been raised by her. Enjoy. ”
"Counting My Blessings"
The past five years of my life have been very difficult. I've been evaluating and asking myself how we've gotten through some of the hardest trials we've experienced. (Of course, besides the deaths of people we love that is a whole other category!) If I look over the past few years and focus on my disappointments I could come to the conclusion that life has really sucked. But the truth is, it hasn't.
Let me give you just a little background of where we've been...
I would consider us very blessed. I got married at 18 and my husband was 19. He stepped into a company that was started with family and it was very successful. Over the years, we acquired a lot… a lot of house, a lot of possessions and a lot of children. We had new cars and nice furniture, expensive clothes and a lifestyle of travel and fun. I never really had a budget… but probably should have!
I was able to be a stay at home mom and live the life of my dreams as I mothered my seven kids. We loved God, we were big givers and we were good people. I took care of my kids and we often opened up our home and took in other kids that needed a safe place.
Of course, in life there are many twist and turns so I will make this very long story short. Through many circumstances of life, family member deaths and a bad economy in February 2013 we lost pretty much everything we had acquired over 30 years of hard work and marriage.
Boom it was gone.
Our house, our company, our salary, our lifestyle was all taken from us. Our very hard fought fight to stay afloat had ended and we sat dumbfounded at what in the world was going to happen to us.
As I look back over that time I honestly don't know how we made it… but we did. It was absolutely overwhelming. I felt totally and completely unequipped to live this life with nothing. We felt too old to start over, but we actually had no other choice.
We live in a small town and everywhere I went I felt like literally all eyes were on me. It's quite the feeling when you are at your most vulnerable and you feel like everyone, real or imagined, is talking about your financial failures.
Though, I didn't have much time to worry about that because my family was either going to sink or swim.
We still had a senior and sophomore in high school and a fourth grader living at home. My husband was exhausted and broken. There were days I felt like I was having to give him CPR on the boat deck while my kids were in deep water barely keeping their heads afloat. As I would breathe one breath into my husband on deck I would smile and yell overboard to my kids, "Don't worry, we're going to be fine, keep paddling, you're doing great!"
I felt gripped with panic and fear of what was going to happen to us.
I felt great pressure for me to be the stabilizing factor to all my family who looked to me to tell them everything was going to be ok. I had always played that roll in our family, but this time the stakes seemed really high. The truth is there were many times I was scared to death. It felt like the whole ship of this family would sink to the depths if I didn't keep myself together.
What do you do when you need to look brave, calm and in control, but you feel you are so ill-equipped and in the most uncharted territory of your lifetime?
For me, I only knew one thing to do. Pray. It wasn't like this was a new lifestyle for me. I am a praying woman, but it was a desperate kind of prayer.
It was the kind of prayers that are whispered in the middle of the night and all through the day.
As always, my God was faithful to comfort me. In the beginning days I heard simple things like, "Breathe". I would simply stop and take a deep breath in. I would imagine I was breathing in peace and exhaling worry and fear. In the stillness of the night I would hear God say, "Everything is going to be all right".
I wrote the things that I had found out to be complete truths of God in my life.
1. God will never leave me or forsake me.
2. All things work together for good to those who love the Lord.
3. God has a plan for myself and my family.
4. God is faithful.
5. God loves us. (Even when we don't feel like circumstances are saying that.)
There were days I would have to read this list over and over just to get through the day. Each time, as I did this I found myself back at peace. It was the firm foundation I could come back to when I felt shaky. I felt like I had to be very diligent to do this daily and sometimes hourly.
Through this time, I learned some things from God and life that I believe are very foundational to help through times of crisis. After I became more stabilized I felt like I could begin to take some actions. These are some that helped me.
1. I had to purposely live in the moment.
Not just one day at a time, but literally one second at a time. No matter how hard it was I could not let myself be dragged from the moment I was living. I could find peace there. There was no peace in the past of why or how this had happened. There was certainly no peace in the thinking of the future. How were we going to live with no income? Where were we going to live? How will we provide for our children? How will we get health insurance for our handicapped daughter? You know… those kind of “little” nagging questions that can weigh heavy on your mind!
2. I counted my blessings.
Every day I wrote down our blessings. That old hymn I was made to sing over and over in church came rushing back. "Please turn to hymn number 237, Count Your Blessings". So I did. Every single day I read over what blessing I had written down the day before. Then, I wrote down the new blessings that had come. Some days my blessings were big, miraculous and awe inspiring. Other days they were barely there… like, we were still alive!!
3. Lastly, I made an absolute choice to not feel sorry for myself. I would not allow myself to play the victim.
As I look back, I stand in amazement that we have always had what we needed as we needed it. We've had our needs met which is miraculous in itself, but more amazing to me is that we have not just survived we have thrived. It doesn't make sense, but that is just how God works!
I have experienced joy on levels I have never experienced before. Peace is my companion in new ways that I have never had. Thankfulness and gratitude comes much more effortlessly.
Don't get me wrong, there are days when I call my close friends who have walked faithfully by my side through this dark, hard journey and I say overly dramatic statements that they know I don't mean. I question how long this "blessed teaching moment" will continue and are tempted to throw a little temper tantrum.