If You Need to Judge Me Then Do What You Must

I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.

If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too.

You don’t know what I’ve been through. You do not understand why I am who I am. You don’t know what my journey has cost me. You don’t know the tears that I’ve cried or the fears that I’ve fought. You don’t understand all the times that I have chosen to grow and I have chosen to learn.

I used to feel so afraid of you and your disapproval.

It used to take my breath away and choke me as if it could kill me. I used to do things for you… so that you would approve of me… so that you would love me.

And then I stopped.

I had to.

I realized that even with the best of trying I couldn’t make you happy. I couldn’t be everything you wanted me to be.

I had to stop running after you and the disappearing vapors of your approval because I realized in the chase for your endorsement I was losing myself.

I believe you want the best for me and you feel you know what that is. Thank you, but it seems that you are incapable of loving me without very specific requirements of who I must be. Thanks for the offer, but I am gonna have to say “no thanks”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “no thanks” to you. I am saying “no thanks” to the burden of your expectations.

I would love for you to be a part of my journey, but I will not base my life choices on the critical words that I hear from you. I will not base my value on your sliding scale of interpretation.

I say that without hate or malice. I mean you no disrespect. I value you, but I can see clearly that you struggle to do the same for me.

So I release you.

I no longer need you to approve of me. I no longer need you to validate my worth.

Why?

Because I have found it for myself.

I know you feel it is your job to measure my performance and my worth, but I assure you, it is not. 

I release you from loving me in a way that you are unable to. I will no longer expect you to understand my heart.

I will no longer expect you to trust my intent.

 I will move forward with the understanding that at least for now, you are unable to love me without conditions. I will choose to love you right where you are despite your inability to do the same for me.

And that’s ok.

I have grace for you to be where you are. I give you grace not because of who you are, but because of who I am, because of the journey that I have taken…

the very journey that you fail to understand.

-Haley

Changing the world by changing myself. You ready for change?  CLICK HERE!!! 

FOLLOW US ON Facebook AND Instagram!

I Betrayed Her... Now What?

What do you do when you fail someone that you love?

I could not turn back time.

I could not make it right.

I could not justify my actions or explain my failure.

It was what it was.

Betrayal.

I have a handful of moments that have shaped me as a person. This being one. I sat on my couch feeling quite defenseless and humble. I will never forget the moment that I was sitting in front of her.

I knew what I had to do.

I had to ask for forgiveness.

Why?

Because I had betrayed her.

My friend. That I loved.

I listened first. I agreed with everything she said. What had happened was wrong. To be honest, it was one of the only times of my life I had no justification and no explanation. No defense.

As she relived her experience it was as if her pain lived inside of each word.

I could feel her heartache within me.

And here I was.

Going to ask her for something.

Forgiveness.

It is a humbling experience to look someone in the eye and seek forgiveness. There was no reason that it should be given and no reason that it would be.

I hated that we were here, I wished that I could travel back into time and change what had happened, but I couldn’t. There was nothing left to do, but to seek mercy. This was not a mercy I had earned. No actions or words could take away the hurt.

As I listened, I understood the crossroads that we were at. She would decide if there would ever be an “us” again. The ball was in her court.

She had to decide if I was worth the risk.

I listened to her. She listened to me.

And through great sorrow, she said the words...

“I forgive you.”

She looked me in the eye and told me that she loved me. She was willing to offer me her love even though I had failed her. Even now, as I recall this experience I feel moved to tears. 

This moment changed me forever.

It quite literally changed who I was.

She gave me permission to move forward. Not without regret, but with mercy. Past the choice I had made and into growing from who I was into who I wanted to be.

I will always feel a certain amount of debt towards her. She gave me mercy that I am not sure I would have been able to offer myself without her permission. 

 The pain I caused her will forever be on my list of things I regret in my life.

I know my words of repentance did not nearly carry the power that her words of forgiveness carried. I understood that her choosing those words came at a high price for her. It cost her to release me from what I deserved.

The choice she made did not end that day. Her choice caused a ripple through my life.

 Relationships can suck because people fail us and people betray us, but I want to suggest that it is in these moments that we are given the opportunity to change the world. 

because I was forgiven.

And it changed my world.

Would you like to read more about my views on relationships? SUBSCRIBE here.

FOLLOW US ON Facebook AND Instagram!

I Am Insecure: Part Four {Embracing Who I Am}

Through my life, I have had different seasons that I have struggled with who I am. I will never forget a few years into our marriage, I got into a funk.

Carter and I were meeting monthly with a small group of married friends. It just so happened, that each of these couples was made up of quieter wives and more outspoken husbands.

I began to compare myself to the other women and I made the observation that I was much more outspoken than they were. At first, I didn’t think much of it. But, eventually, it started to really bother me. They seemed so sweet and beautifully humble.

A voice in my head began to tell me that they were “right” and I was “wrong”.

Not in our opinions, just in our existence.

This feeling continued to grow. I began to feel this way, not only when I was with this group, but all of the time. So, I decided within myself that I would change. I would learn to be someone else. I became determined to be more like them.

This was a really sad time of my life. I felt lonely. I felt like something was wrong with who I was. I felt ashamed.  Everyone around me seemed to have it all together. Why couldn’t I be like them?

I tried my hardest to change who I was, but after several months of failing miserably, I came to the realization that I couldn’t be “them”.

During this period, I learned a very real truth.

Who I am is who I am.

I cannot learn to be someone else.

I can either be me, or I will become absolutely nobody at all.

I made a promise to myself that I would never do this again.

I will not live in shame for being who I am.

I believe the ultimate journey to security begins with embracing who we are, today. We must embrace our brokenness, embrace our personality, embrace our experiences, embrace our failures, and embrace our strengths.

We must embrace who we are.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in personal growth. I believe in learning from our life experiences and becoming the best “me” that I can be.

But “me” is all there is.

I am never going to wake up and be one of those amazingly sweet, quiet, meek women. It’s just not gonna happen!

BUT, I have learned how to celebrate “them” while still celebrating “me”. There is a need for all of us in the world.

The funny thing is that now I would never choose to be anyone else but me. I appreciate who I am. I am quirky and I am unique. I see the world like no one sees it and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

I wouldn’t change any of my friends either. I absolutely love the differences that we all have. One of the greatest parts of living on this earth is experiencing all of our differences.

How boring would this life be if we were all the same?

Our differences are not something that should bring shame, but celebration.

DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!

When Being Me Feels Like It's Not Enough

View fullsize

My sisters from left to right. Sara (my bothers wife, 32), Ivy (24), Haven (12), Me, Hannah (30) and Chloe' (21). This picture is missing Carter's sister, Kristina (27)

From early on in life, we are compared to one another. It is amazing how we naturally begin to measure our value by the people around us.

Growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of very successful people, some of which were my sisters. I have four sisters and two sister-in-laws. They are all gorgeous and extremely talented. Through the years, my sisters have accomplished many wonderful things that I have not.

My older sister, Hannah, was very good at track in high school. She even medaled at state. Both she and my sister, Ivy, were the student body presidents. Ivy ran track in college. She achieved a 4.0 GPA all the way through graduating and is now finishing up her masters.  Chloe played basketball, received the 1,000 career point’s award, and made the All-District team. She made All-District, All-Conference, and All-Region for volleyball, and received a scholarship to play in college. My brother’s wife, Sara, high-jumped and placed nationally on the collegiate level. Carter’s sister, Kristina, is a breathtaking dancer. She started dancing at the age of four, completed a degree in Dance Performance, and continues to teach and choreograph. My youngest sister, Haven, is on the Paralympic emerging swim team and hopes to attend the 2020 Paralympics in Tokyo. 

Having a bunch of ridiculously talented sisters gave me a lot of opportunities to feel insecure. I had to choose how I was going to view their success. 

Was I going to measure my value based on my performance compared to theirs?

Truth is, it is all too easy to try to prove our worth by achieving more; however, measuring ourselves by other people’s accomplishments is problematic. We were never meant to be measured by the bar of their potential. The potential inside of them is completely different than the potential inside of me. It’s not greater or less than, just different. 

When we aren’t confident in who we are, it can suck to watch other people succeed. It can make us feel ashamed and like we have failed to measure up. We may appear confident, but we are actually struggling with our value internally. 

I decided to embrace the fact that my life was going to look different than all of my sisters. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have accomplished all the things they did because I realized that I wasn’t capable of doing what they could. I cannot do what everyone else can. I just can’t. I can do some things really well, but I suck at a whole lot of other things, and that’s ok.

Turns out I can’t be anyone else but me. But, I can be me pretty damn well. 

We all have to make a choice in our lives to embrace who we are and what we have. We can spend our lives trying to prove to the world that we are just as good as everyone else, but any moment spent trying to prove our value is a moment wasted. If we are trying to prove our value, that means we, ourselves, don’t know our worth. 

Our value doesn’t need to be proven, it just needs to be discovered.

It is ok if you have failed to accomplish the same things as those around you. It’s not just ok, it’s expected. You are you and they are them.  Let’s realize the beauty of that. Our differences should not bring shame, but pride. It isn’t in the things we all have in common, but our uniqueness, that will bring change to this world. 

If we cannot learn the beauty of our differences, we will spend our life trying to be something we aren’t. Let’s be determined to embrace ourselves, quirkiness and all.