Your Relationships May Be the Key to Everything

Christians should be the absolute best people at relationships. There should be no doubt about it, no ability to argue, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.

But…

From where I see it, we don’t live much differently than anyone else regarding relationships. We pretty much go by how we feel. We build boundaries against those that hurt us, cut out those that disappoint us, and talk badly about anyone we have opinions about. (Whoops.)

Do you agree? Or no?

This past week, on the podcast, I shared the third thing we need to do to take The Adventure God has for us! (If you want to read the first two steps click here and here.) And the third and final thing we need to do is master our relationships. We absolutely must master how to live connected with God’s people.

It is our privilege and duty to not only be the church but to build the church. This “church” isn’t something we attend; it is relationships we build. This should absolutely be one of our greatest calls on this Earth, yet many of us don’t understand how much we are really missing it.

Our people are everything.

In our lives, we should have 3 types of connections.

First, we should have close relationships. These are the people who know everything. These are the people who walk with us through our darkest days and cheer us on in our greatest victories. We should all have a few close relationships. As Woody says in Toy Story, “If you don’t have one, GET ONE!” (He was talking about a moving buddy, but applies to close relationships as well!)

Second, we should have communities that we live among. In our communities, we may have the goal to serve, to bless, or to simply ENJOY! There are even seasons when God calls us to communities where the goal is to learn to endure. Our communities might be a local Christian church group or a workplace that God has called us to. Or, for many of us, our family is a community that we live in. They are people that we might spend a lot of time with but don’t walk deeply with us.

Communities are vital to find the Adventure God has for us!

Lastly, the final type of relationships you SHOULD be having in your life are difficult ones! (Yes, you read that right!) Every single one of us should have people in our life that are difficult to live with. These relationships are a gift. They allow us to exercise our ability to give grace, our willingness to forgive, our capability to love. They give us the opportunity to use our voice and have difficult conversations when needed. These people are valuable and should never be viewed as worthless just because they are hard to live with.

You see, God knows us. He knows how easily we could live life alone, cutting out people who betray us, and building boundaries against those who disappoint us, which is why I am convinced Jesus spent so much time teaching us how to live amongst people who were difficult.

Each of us should have many relationships that don’t just last years, but endure and ultimately thrive through the decades.

I love Jesus and I love his teaching and how he lived his life, but it isn’t a very natural way of living. In fact, from my experience, it often feels a whole lot like pain. It feels like rejection. It feels like being misunderstood. It feels like losing.

Living the life that Christ taught isn’t easy, but I am convinced the relationship piece is not an option. It should not be an afterthought, and it should not be an oversight.

How we handle our relationships absolutely should set us apart from the world.

We are forgiving endlessly, not counting the wrongs of those in our life, and believing the best in those that we walk life with. (Gulp.)

This is hard, yes. But this is the life you are not only called to but designed for.

Want to go deeper? Listen here…

When You Feel Hopeless in Your Marriage

Before I got married, I would often hear the phrase “marriage is hard work”. It was always said as a cautionary statement to those of us unmarried people to prepare for the difficulty that lay ahead. Whenever I heard people say this, I always assumed what they meant by the statement is that marriage is hard work because it is hard to continue to prioritize one another throughout life.

Now, I know the truth.

I have been married for 16 years and through the years, I have not only had my own experiences with marital disappointment, but I have had a front-row seat as I have walked with many women through theirs.

So, I’m here to tell you that “yes, marriage is hard work”, but it’s more than that.

Marriage is confusing work.

Marriage is defeating work.

Marriage can even be heartbreaking work.

When we get married, we believe we have picked someone who would always be there for us, would always be safe for us, and would always be honest with us. Sure, we know life is stressful and marriage is hard. But we also know who we married. We believe that while life is hard certain things won’t change.

We know them.

We can trust them.

However, through the years things can become different.

One day, we can wake up and be living in a struggling marriage. We remember people telling us how hard it would be and while what we are experiencing is difficult, “hard” doesn’t feel like the word that best describes it. A better word would be defeating.

Marriage can be defeating.

Many women find themselves in marriages with men they don’t even recognize.

Men who have lied to them (and continue to do so).

Men who are no longer willing to do the work it takes.

Men who are having sex with other women.

Men who aren’t honest about how they are spending their time or their money.

You see, when us women hear that “marriage is hard” we think that we can handle it because we are strong, capable women who are willing to do the work. But it isn’t that simple.

Sometimes, it isn’t “work” that needs to be done, but betrayal that has to be dealt with.

Because surprisingly, marriage is filled with betrayal. Both kinds, Blindside Betrayal and Lifestyle Betrayal. Blindside betrayal is when we have no idea something is going on and one day everything comes crashing down and our world is upside down. Lifestyle betrayal is much less dramatic but no less defeating. It is a lifestyle of small betrayals where the man we married is no longer the safe, supportive, sincere person we thought we had beside us.

So while marriage is hard, yes, and it takes a lot of work, yes. It is so much more than “hard work”.

Many women are faced with the very real reality that their marriage has become so utterly disappointing and they are beyond exhausted from the work they have put into it.

It’s not that they are no longer willing to do “the work” it is that they have done the “work” and don’t know what else to do. What else can be done?

If you are reading this and feel defeated in your marriage, I want to encourage you that there is hope. There is hope for you to move forward through this deep experience of betrayal.

You need to be encouraged and you need a plan. Good thing. I have both for you.

I am hosting a FREE, 40 minute Masterclass that covers HOW and WHY betrayal happens. This class covers all types of betrayal, but is perfect for anyone who feels disappointed by their husband!

I Couldn't Believe What She Posted about Me...

I’ll never forget the moment.

I had woken up and was lying in bed. During this time of my life, I was trying to be more disciplined with being on Social Media. I had recognized the many downsides and certainly didn’t love the habit of hopping onto Social Media before my feet even hit the floor.

Before I picked up my phone, I felt a gentle reminder from the Holy Spirit of my goals. Despite that, I opened my phone, checked the weather, read my daily scripture, and thought to myself, what could it hurt? Just a little peak.

To my surprise, it turned out to hurt a lot.

As I was participating in the mindless scroll of Facebook that we all know and love. (Not really, we all know and hate it, but we love it, but we hate it too. UGH!) I continued to scroll and paused to read a friend of mine’s post from the night before & I was stopped in my tracks.

Before my eyes, one of my Christian “friends” had made a post… about me.

It wasn’t just about me, but it was about my ministry. It was how I had chosen to speak. It was about the choices I had made. It didn’t name be by name, but it didn’t need to.

I knew.

After reading it quickly. I read over it again slowly, and again just for good measure. I closed my eyes. I put down my phone and could feel the tears coming. I felt panicked. The world felt like it was closing in. I had to do something. I had to stand.

Carter was in the bathroom getting ready for work and I thought, I need to tell him. Now.

I climbed out of bed and walked toward him. With each step I took, I felt more panicked. I felt hot, short-breathed, & lightheaded. I thought to myself, I might faint.

I walked toward my husband who doesn’t have social media and had started his day like we all used to… just getting ready with his own thoughts and not the opinions of everyone in the world.

As I finally reached him, he looked into my face and said, “What’s wrong?” with a mixture of surprise and confusion. What could be wrong? I had just woken up, hadn’t I? What could’ve happened?

Turns out, a lot.

A lot can happen when you open yourself up to the opinions of others.

You see, this was the first time someone I knew had publicly shamed me and disagreed with me online about my stance in life.

This wasn’t a comment on my post. This was a post on her own page. Back in the day when we all simply posted statuses. It had no photo. No video. No trending audio and no cute reel.

It was simply words.

But it was enough. It was enough to make me feel ashamed. Alone. Embarrassed. Misunderstood.

I couldn’t decide which one bothered me more. Her words or that the first person who liked the post was a woman who I deeply respected. I felt even more embarrassed by their joint attack.

It hurt.

I had been putting myself out of my comfort zone for several years. I felt alone at times. I felt embarrassed often. I doubted myself but constantly went back to trying to be obedient to what God had been asking me to do. Day by day, I was learning humility and walking in obedience.

I knew not everyone agreed. I knew many didn’t care.

I knew that the path I was walking was hard, yet I also knew that the path I was walking was changing the world, not because it was changing anyone else, but because it was changing me.

Yet, here it was. One of my fears.

Being misunderstood by a friend.

Not just any “friend”, but a Christian sister.

Being attacked. Being shamed. I knew there were people who didn’t agree, but I didn’t expect to be so blatantly called out and shamed.

Betrayal sucks.

In the Christian world, I believe it should be non-existent.

But it is.

It is just as prevalent in the Christian Culture as it is outside. Except, I think we can all agree that it is worse. It is worse because we expect love. We expect safety. We expect support.

This was years ago, looking back I know I was immature in my expectations for complete safety & support in the internet world. However, I am a firm believer that Christians should be better. We should be much better at relationships.

In fact, I actually think we should be the rock stars of Relationships. We should be rocking our ability to love amazing while having boundaries that work, and processing our betrayals in the best way.

Because we have the best God ever who loves us unconditionally, with a lot of instructions on how to live, and the complete ability to redeem all things. (He is the best!)

So today, I am here to tell you, if you have been shamed by a fellow Christian friend. I’m sorry.

It hurts. I know.

It sucks. For sure.

However, no matter what, I want you to know that how you process this betrayal matters. What you believe is important. What you do is vital.

---

If this conversation meant anything to you, then you need to do two things:

First, listen to this podcast episode with my friend Chrysten Ferrell. It is so good and it will help you.

Second, download my FREE, personalized betrayal guide at www.yourbetrayalguide.com. You can choose the relationship that has betrayed you and you will receive a personalized guide on what to do.

The Worst Part about Love

I have always been a people person. I like friends. I like family. I can think of no better way to spend my life than investing in the people around me.

I love people.

I love the opportunity to experience new things. Laugh together. Cry together. Support one another. Cheer on one another. People. Love. Relationships. I love it all.

However, it is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

And people get hurt A LOT.

Have you ever been hurt by someone? (Insert sarcasm.) Of course, YOU HAVE! From the time we were young, we were getting hurt by people. Friends, family, peers on the playground, there are an endless amount of opportunities to get hurt in this life.

We all have people in our life that have disappointed us. Not just the acquaintance we work with, but people close to us. Times when we found out something hurtful a friend said about us or when we needed support but failed to receive it.

I have some of the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for, but that doesn’t mean my relationships come with no cost. There are so many opportunities for misunderstandings.

I believe this is something that should be talked about more. Don’t get me wrong, I am not cynical, but I do consider myself very practical.

Sometimes misunderstandings happen that seem completely innocent and then there are times when the pain seems deliberate. These experiences make us second guess having people in our life at all.

This is when the rubber meets the road and love can seem like one horrible idea.

We have done ourselves a disservice because we don’t have a good understanding of what love is or the power that it beholds. Somewhere along the way, we have told ourselves that if we love big, then we will be loved big.

Truth is, if we Love big, we will Hurt big.

So many of us expect our love to be returned to us at the measure it is given. Love is not given to the measure it is received. Love is given to the measure of capacity.

I can love big, but not because I have people in my life who don’t make mistakes, but because I have worked for years on growing my capacity to love.

Love isn’t about receiving what you give.

Love is about giving all that you have.

Love is about stretching you to become a beautiful person, no matter if someone else chooses to do the same.

Are You Being Taken Advantage Of? Here’s the Solution.

Have you ever felt taken advantage of? I’m not talking about being lied to or stolen from, I’m talking about situations when we helped someone out and felt they expected more than they should or they seemed ungrateful for how much we did for them.

Whether by a friend, family member, spouse, or coworker, most of us have felt like we have been taken advantage of at one point or another. These situations can be quite frustrating to experience, but I have discovered the solution.

Time and time again, I have realized being taken advantage of is simply a need for two things:

boundaries

and

communication.

It is an opportunity for us to use our words and set appropriate boundaries.

But let’s be clear, If we offer to help someone out, we should do so without the expectation they will pay you back for it. If we expect them to pay us back, we must be clear from the start of our expectations.

We should never expect payment for our kindness.

If we are expecting something in return we need to understand this is not a gift.

This is a debt.

Secondly, we need to understand how situations change. Maybe we offered to help someone out by babysitting, paying a bill, house sitting, helping them at work, assisting them financially, or any other assistance, and when we agreed, we were happy to help.

We offered our assistance with a pure heart, no strings attached, but then, at some point something changed. Our once kind offer changed into something we resent the person for.

We need to understand this does not necessarily mean this person has done anything wrong. It simply means that it is time for us to have a conversation about the agreement moving forward.

It is time to set a boundary.

Unfortunately, many people really suck at having conversations and setting new boundaries. This is a vital skill we all need to learn if we don’t want to feel taken advantage of.

You see, it is simple to never be taken advantage of again:

First, don’t expect payment for helping someone out.

Second, whenever someone is expecting you to give more than you are willing to give, reassess the agreement and have a conversation.

Lastly, don’t help if you aren’t actually wanting to help.

It really is as simple as that.

As humans, we like to blame people. We like for our problems to be other people’s fault. Sometimes our problems are caused by other people; however, when it comes to being taken advantage of this is not the problem of someone else. If we have been taken advantage of there is only one person to blame.

Ourselves.

Because we were unwilling to say “no” or “not anymore”.

I invite you to never feel taken advantage of again. I invite you to say these words,

“No, I will not do that for you.”

You see my friends, we hold the key to so many of our frustrations and annoyances in life, the question is will we do anything about it?

What Is Love?

Love is surprisingly exciting and exceptionally mundane. It is found in traveling around the world together, but also sitting on the couch.

Love is dreaming big plans, but living on a budget. Love is joining your hopes together and knowing the risk. Love is taking a chance.

Love is living in the moment, but sticking through the years.

Love is not having to wonder what they say when you’re not there. Love is being valued. Love is feeling safe.

Love is being chosen.

Love is being listened to even when they’re tired. Love is being encouraged, lifted up, and held high. Love is being heard.

Love is being told the truth. Love is forgiving.

Love is telling the truth. Love is being forgiven.

Love is laughing together, but also wiping one another’s tears. Love is being broken, but finding the path to wholeness, hand in hand.

Love is not only about saying the sweet things, but being willing to say the hard things, too.

Love is butterflies, hugs, and kisses. Love is special dinner dates and boring Tuesdays. Love is evening walks and late night talks. Love is dancing in the kitchen and dreaming on the porch.

Love is finding freedom. Love is having self-control.

Love is against all odds.

Love is you. Love is me. Love is us. Together Forever. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary.

-Your Gal

CHECK OUT MY GUEST SPOT ON THE “INSIDE OUT” PODCAST! Click HERE!

  Would you like to receive inspiring articles about relationships and life challenges straight to your e-mail? CLICK HERE!!!

FOLLOW US ON Facebook AND Instagram!

Comment below!

Love Sucks

I made a choice long ago to be a person who loves. Over the years, I have slowly grown my capacity to love much like exercising a muscle to gain strength. Loving big is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life.

But let me let you in on something I have learned…

Love sucks.

Yep, there. I said it.

When I casually hear the word “love” I think about hugs and kisses, rainbows and butterflies, and people singing Kumbaya while holding hands. However, living a life of love is so far from roses and rainbows.

Living a life of love looks more like a warzone than a Hallmark card.

Unfortunately, love is filled with so many things that aren’t warm and fuzzy. Love is filled with misunderstandings and love is filled with disappointments.

Loving big means opening up and creating vulnerability within your life.

The more vulnerable you become, the more likely you are to experience pain.

Love also opens the door to experience one of the most painful things that exist, rejection.

Love hurts.

I am not talking about drama. I am talking about the inevitable experience of pain if you choose to be a person who loves big. No question. No doubt about it.

“Love”

It sounds really simple.

But it’s not.

It’s not easy to love people when they disappoint you. It is not easy to love people when they don’t show up for you. It’s not easy to love people who have hurt you. It is not easy to love people who have betrayed you. It is not easy to love people who have rejected you. It is not easy to love people who disagree with you.

To put it simply, it is not easy to love people.

It is complex and messy and all twisted up like a tangled necklace with a really small chain.

Do I really want to love people? What about the people who haven’t supported me as I expected? Do I love those people? Do I choose to love even the people who aren’t loving me?

Years ago, I settled something in myself. I decided to go down a path of love. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever go back. I was choosing love. The end.

I will choose to love despite the decision made by the person on the other side. I will bless. Period. Even for those who reject me, I will choose to value.

I will not sway from this belief.

I will not falter from this regard.

I have cried many tears over my choice to love, but what better way to spend my tears than experiencing the depth of something that always produces beauty in my life?

Love sucks, but love is worth it every time.

CHECK OUT MY GUEST SPOT ON THE “INSIDE OUT” PODCAST! Click HERE!

  Would you like to receive inspiring articles about relationships and life challenges straight to your e-mail? CLICK HERE!!!

FOLLOW US ON Facebook AND Instagram!

Comment below!

How to Deal with Angry People

I used to think people were pretty simple. I thought we all wanted to get along and be happy, but sometimes life simply got in the way. As I have gotten older, I realize that may be true for me, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Not everyone feels the need to live peacefully.

I am now convinced, some people actually enjoy creating chaos particularly during times they feel chaos inside of themselves.

Some people crave the tension.

They relish the push back.

They enjoy the storm.

They aren’t scared for things to get messy.

Yelling can be fun.

Screaming, no problem.

They are great at making sense of their arguments and justifying everything they do or say… no matter how absurd. You might even find them switch sides or topics in the middle of an argument which can become quite confusing to engage with.

That is because the topic at hand is not the point.

The conflict is.

There is a sense of comfort found for them in the storm.

Even though they may look out of control, they feel powerful during these moments of chaos. It feels calming when the situations and people around them match the turmoil they feel within themselves.

If you are in relationship with someone who has anger issues, they will try to start fights with you when they are feeling stressed. If they can get you to explode, it validates they are not the only ones who can’t control themselves. If you choose not to, this will no doubt make them angry perhaps even angrier than if you engage.

Many people with anger issues have the ability to get over an argument quickly and expect others to as well.

They don’t understand why people hold on to the things that were said in anger because they no longer feel the tension within themselves.

They feel better after they explode, no matter the destruction that is left behind.

They find injustice in many places, including work, friends, and family and you will be expected to agree with them.

They want you to validate their experiences, their perceptions, their emotions, and ultimately their anger. They believe how they feel is very important, so if you do not support them in their feelings they will not feel loved and you will quickly find yourself as a target.

They don’t enjoy being viewed as a victim because that makes them feel weak. However, much of their mindset is based upon the belief they are often mistreated. After an argument, they will commonly convince people to feel sorry for them.

People do not choose behavior repeatedly unless it works for them on some level.

When someone has embraced anger as an outlet they essentially use it as a release to cope with frustrations in life.

If you have someone in your life that has anger tendencies, you cannot change them. You cannot talk them out of their anger or “manage” their emotions for them. You need to understand that ultimately, they are the only one who can change how they handle the chaos inside of themselves.

They get to make their choices. Just like you get to make yours.

Anyone can change.

Anyone can grow.

Anyone can heal.

But it is important to remember, the only people changing, growing, or healing, are the people acknowledging they need to.

Blessings,

Haley

Why Do People Lie?

Living an honest, genuine life comes at a cost and I have found not everyone is willing to pay the price.

It can feel so natural to tell a simple lie to avoid difficulty or awkwardness in our life. There are many reasons we choose to lie, here are six that I have come across…

1- To avoid conflict

One of the most common reasons people lie is to avoid conflict. Many of us view conflict as a negative experience and struggle to say difficult things. During times of conflict or disagreement, it can seem simpler to answer dishonestly while keeping our true feelings to ourselves.

Unfortunately, people who choose to avoid facing conflict are also people who will end up walking away from a lot of relationships.

You cannot have meaningful, long-lasting relationships without choosing to face conflict.

2- To avoid accountability

In my opinion, the second most common reason people lie is to avoid accountability. It is simple, we want to do what we want to do. We know if we share the truth people will try to stop us, so we don’t share.

3- Not ready to discuss a topic or don’t believe you have a right to the truth

There are times we are not ready to discuss a certain topic or someone asks us something that is, well frankly, none of their business. When we have this happen, many of us choose a simple lie to avoid the topic.

4- In the moment, we believe what we are saying

Some lies aren’t as much planned deceit but actually more of an inability to follow through.

Meaning, if I tell Carter today, “I love you and I want to be with you forever.” But, tomorrow, he makes me mad and I no longer want to be with him, so I tell him, “I don’t love you anymore. I want to leave you.”

Perhaps I believe both statements to be true when I say them, but I have an inability to follow through long-term. I have given my emotions too much control over my life.

As adults, we should be capable of following through with our words even when we don’t feel like it.

5- To create an alternate reality

I think when many of us hear the word “liar” we think of this type of lying. When people choose to live secret lives and lie to cover their tracks. This kind of lifestyle requires that we not only avoid topics, but we create “stories” to keep our secret life flourishing. The longer we do this, the more stories we will have to create to cover our tracks.

When it all comes crashing down (it always does… eventually) we will cause a lot of hurt to the people who trusted us.

6- For fun

There are people in this world that simply lie for the fun of it. They like to manipulate people and it makes them feel powerful to convince people that their lies are in fact truth. These people are master manipulators and are often difficult to detect.

Each and every one of us gets to choose the level of honesty we live in our life.

I believe it is powerful to own the truth and speak the truth even when it is difficult or awkward.

I believe the relationships in my life are worth confronting and I believe it is my job to follow through on what I say even when I no longer feel like following through.

I do not believe in living a life of pretend where I make up an alternate reality that doesn’t actually exist.

I believe in owning who I am and being honest about my intentions in life.

These are the things I believe…

What about you?

Did you enjoy the article? CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED! 

Sorry, I Cannot Be What You Want

I am sorry I cannot be what you want me to be. You seem to have such specific requirements for me and I have disappointed you.

I didn’t want to let you down, but here we are.

I have been so focused on how you felt about me and my choices that I lost sight of who I am and the life I want to live. And sadly, I even started to blame you for my unhappiness. This isn’t fair and I promise to do better. My happiness is not in your hands and I free you from that burden you never asked to carry.

This has taken me some time to understand, but I see things differently now. I now see that I have to let go of your approval.

I have to let go of you.

I understand now that seeking your approval will be a chase that will never end. I will always need to do more.

I just can’t be what you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry.

I only have one life to live and I cannot spend it trying to read your mind.

I will no longer try to do the dance that you expect me to do, but I will do the dance that I have inside of me. I will not allow myself to be controlled by you or your disapproval.

I will no longer make decisions for my life based on the fear that you will not love me because I have finally learned that perfect love casts out fear.

I have to move forward in the life that I feel I am called to live and I free you to do the same. I bless you, even if you can’t return the blessing. This doesn’t mean I don’t value you because I do. It simply means I value the experience of finding freedom more than I need your approval.

I choose to love you, without condition and I will choose to love myself without the pressure to perform for you.

Please know, this isn’t about me rejecting you. Actually, it is the opposite.

This is about me accepting you.

And I know this may be hard for you to understand and you may never give me your blessing, but that’s ok.

I give you the grace to disapprove of me.

But I am loyal to my path.

And your disapproval is no longer enough to keep me from moving forward.

Blessings.

Did you enjoy the article? CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED! 

Not Every Relationship Is Safe... And That's Ok

When I was younger, I thought every relationship was created equal. Of course, as I got older, I realized not every relationship I had was a place for me to be loved, accepted, and appreciated.

For years of my life, I tried to keep track of who I could trust and who I couldn’t. If I found out you did or said something disrespectful about me, I pushed you away. If I believed I could trust you, I brought you close.

It was a constant game of trying to figure out who could be trusted. It was exhausting and left me a bit paranoid that no one could be.

I used to often feel betrayed. I was constantly surprised by the fact that people were not returning the love and effort I was giving them. It made me feel confused, angry, and resentful.

Let me explain to you something I have learned through the years…

Every relationship that you have in your life will fall under one of two categories:

A relationship that offers you a safe place to heal

Or

A relationship that offers you an opportunity to grow.

I used to think that every relationship in my life was intended to be a place for me to find acceptance and love, but this is not the case. We will have very few people in our life that can be trusted to love, honor and value us consistently and unconditionally.

It is silly and naïve for me to expect people to love me as I love them.

Who I am and how I love are decisions I am making for my OWN life. It is not and should not be dependent on the choices that people around me are making. These two things have nothing to do with one another.

The way I love is because of the choices I have made in my life. It has cost me a lot to learn how to be the friend that I am. It has been hard and incredibly disappointing.

If it is so difficult, why do it? Because it is important to me.

It is important to me to be a loving person. It is important to me to be a kind person. It is important to me to be a thoughtful friend. It is important to me to be a safe place for the people in my life and a place that offers unconditional love.

This doesn’t mean everyone in my life believes the same.

Don’t get me wrong, I have relationships that I receive acceptance, love, respect, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, and kindness. I do. These relationships love me no matter what. They give me a safe place to fail and to be broken. However, not every relationship will be this for me.

How well a person can love me determines how open I am with them, but it will not determine how much I value them.

It is imperative we learn not all of our relationships are in our lives for the same reason. Some of our relationships offer a safe place to heal and some of our relationships offer us an experience to grow our love. Both of these things can be equally valuable to our life.

Not every relationship in our life should be about what we are receiving, but sometimes it is about who it can teach us to be.

CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED! 

The Truth about Unconditional Love

Growing up, I heard the term “unconditional love” a lot. Honestly, I had the mindset unconditional love was everywhere. I thought every friend and family member I had would love me, value me, and honor me without condition.

Of course, it didn’t take me long to learn the harsh reality that unconditional love wasn’t as common as I thought. In reality, there are a whole lot of conditions to the relationships we live, some spoken and some unspoken.

For years of my life, I tried really hard to “prove” my worthiness to my friends and family. I did this by trying to be the “perfect” daughter, sister, friend, and wife. Of course, I was nowhere near perfect and this left me exhausted.

I was constantly afraid I wasn’t going to measure up and in the end, they would figure out I wasn’t worthy of their love.

In my early twenties, I became a bit obsessed with trying to be “perfect”, had a minor life breakdown, and demanded I find a new way for myself to live.

I will never forget, standing in front of my bed, crying to my husband that I was exhausted, broken, and completely discouraged. I felt like I was failing at being who everyone wanted me to be.

I felt like a failure… and I was.

I was a failure at reading everyone’s mind. I was a failure at being perfect. I was a failure at being sure no one would ever reject me.

You see, I was extremely afraid my friends and family expected me to be perfect and I knew the truth.

I wasn’t.

I was so afraid once everyone figured it out they would leave me.

And I was afraid to be alone.

This breakdown led me to one of the best journeys of my life. I decided to stop trying to be perfect. I chose to stop trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I decided to stop trying to control everyone else and their choice to love me or not to.

I looked at my life and realized there were a few people I really did think loved me unconditionally. I chose to talk to them about what I was going through.

I had conversations with them and explained how much I had been afraid of failing them. I talked to them and owned it. This wasn’t their problem to fix. It was mine. I didn’t tell them so they could treat me with care. I told them so they could encourage me to find healing.

And they did.

Year by year, I learned I did have people in my life who loved me unconditionally.

I learned not everyone, but some people are willing to look at the worst parts of me and say,

“That’s ok, I love you”.

I learned it was ok to be the failure that I was.

I became obsessed with getting real with my crap. I didn’t tell everyone everything, but I made sure to at least tell someone everything.

I started feeling free for the very first time in my life.

No secrets.

Nothing left to be afraid of.

I began to understand not everyone in my life is even called to love me unconditionally and I don’t even need that anymore.

I have learned I have been given unconditional love from a few so I can now give unconditional love to many.

And maybe in the end, that’s what it has always been about.

CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!

Do You Feel Alone?

Do you feel alone? It is so easy to feel alone in this world. We can be in the middle of a crowded room, yet still feel alone. We may have hundreds or even thousands of “friends” and “followers”, yet feel completely isolated. We can talk with people, work with people, and live with people, yet no one knows what we are going through.

Why do so many people feel alone right now? Why do people feel so much anxiety, fear, and depression? Why are we so isolated? We have more ways to connect than ever before so how are we more disconnected than any other time in history?

I have had years of my life that I felt very isolated. There was so much going on within me that no one knew about.

I never intended to keep so much of myself a secret, it just happened

Most of the time, I felt great. I felt like a normal, connected person. A person that wasn’t alone until I would hit a struggle zone.

Maybe something had happened and it triggered anxiety. Maybe nothing had happened, but I felt anxious none the less.

I lived a life surrounded with people, but at times, felt completely alone.

The people in my life didn’t know the struggles I was going through because I was too afraid to tell them I was struggling. I hid it until it went away. It always went away… eventually.

I had learned to just wait it out.

I knew that if I opened up to someone, I might get rejected. They might say that what I felt was stupid or wrong. They might think I was a failure.

I didn’t want to be a failure. I liked to be a success.

I liked when people talked to me and saw that I had my shit together. And to be honest, most of the time, I did. But then sometimes, I felt so broken. I felt so discouraged. I felt so lost. And because I hadn’t ever told anyone about that part of myself, I felt so alone.

I am thankful to tell you that I haven’t felt alone for years.

Sincerely.

Don’t get me wrong, I have felt stressed, sad, anxious, and discouraged, but I don’t feel alone anymore. How is that possible?

Simple, I started letting people in.

Not people on my social media, real-life people.

I started to talk to my husband, I started being honest with my mom, I started sharing real life with my sisters, and I started being open with my friends.

Simply put, I started being honest and vulnerable.

When I was doing well, I was doing well. But when I wasn’t, I wasn’t.

I no longer just said, “I’m fine” whenever people asked and I no longer waited for them to ask.

I didn’t open up to everyone, just my people. The people that God had given me to find healing with.

To this day, when I am not doing well my people know. I will reach out to my husband if he doesn’t answer, my mom. If she can’t talk, my sister. If she is busy, a friend.

I do not joke around because I have found the amazing power of connection.

When I am struggling my people encourage me. They speak truth to me when all I can hear are the lies. They remind me who I am when I can’t seem to remember. They give me a direction when I feel lost.

My people pray for me. My people catch me when I fall. My people remind me that failing is ok. They encourage me when I am discouraged. They remind me that I have value even when I don’t perform well. They give me grace in a world that seems to be losing it. I love my people.

I do whatever it takes to feel connected. I call. I text. I email. I reach out until I find peace.

And don’t let anyone fool you because there is peace to be found in this world.

How do I know?

Because I have it.

I have found peace and much of that journey has come from learning to be real. Learning to risk being hurt in exchange for experiencing real relationships.

You see, I have finally found the key. As long as I was hiding my insecurities and my failures the people in my life could never fully love me.

Turns out, I was afraid that I wasn’t worthy to love if I had issues so I hid them.

News flash.

We all have issues.

However, our issues should not keep us from experiencing love.

Our fear of being rejected should not have the power to keep us alone.

If we don’t want to feel alone anymore it is quite simple. Start being honest about who you are. Stop letting fear tell you that you must keep your failures and your shortcomings a secret. Face your brokenness and invite someone into it.

Funny enough, my brokenness wasn’t actually the problem in my life. My brokenness was a gift for me to finally experience what I wanted all along.

Love.

CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!

Who Are You? Only Conflict Will Tell.

View fullsize

Taken by Crush Photography by Hannah Brown

My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.  

Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….

I acted like it didn’t bother me.

At times, I have tried to push down my hurt and wait for my feelings to disappear. It seems like I should be able to “will” myself not to care, but I can’t because I do. We must understand that not dealing with conflict doesn’t mean we aren’t having any, it just means that we are living in denial. Don’t deny your pain, understand it. Hurt and pain that is left unaddressed will eventually change into bitterness, don’t let that happen.

Trying to avoid conflict will lead us to a very lonely place. Relationships with people come with conflict, if we can’t learn to navigate through it, we will find ourselves leaving a lot relationships.

I found someone who agreed with me.

I used to call a friend/s who would tell me that I was completely right in the situation and the other person was completely wrong. This conversation was always full of emotion and would always focus on the other person’s problems. Ultimately, I stopped dealing with conflict in this way because I realized it was not productive. I was avoiding the real issue, avoiding the person, talking behind their back and not getting anything resolved.

I confronted the conflict in my anger.

 Unfortunately, there was a time in my life I confronted people in anger. I would pride myself that I had the balls to say what was “needed” and “I wasn’t scared.” I viewed this as a strength. The truth is that I wasn’t some valiant warrior fighting for truth and justice. I was an angry person, who was prideful and unable to control my emotions. Thank God, seriously, thank God that I no longer handle conflict in this way. This type of behavior is extremely selfish and self-centered. It comes from extreme insecurity masked by extreme confidence.

I used to be driven by the belief that there was right and there was wrong and my job was to stand for what was “right”; of course, I put myself as the judge. Interestingly, my opinion always seemed to be “right” and their opinion always seemed to be “wrong”.

So how do I handle conflict now?

First, I acknowledge that I am feeling hurt. I allow myself to be vulnerable. Some people run from vulnerability. My friends, I beg you, don’t run from your vulnerability, run to it. From my view, we need more vulnerability in this world.

Second, I decide if I even have the right to be angry. It is so easy for me to get pissed at things that are none of my business. I often have to tell myself to “just stop it”. I am not the boss of everyone and I do not always know best.

Thirdly, I talk it out with someone that will help ME work through MY emotions. Typically this person is Carter (poor guy, haha), but at times it is someone else. It is always someone who loves me and someone who I can trust with my heart. I tell them everything… I tell them what I am thinking and feeling. I talk about ME. My goal here is to find my peace again. My goal is not to be told that I am right. Actually, the people I go to rarely tell me that I am “right” or that I am “wrong”, most of the time they just listen and offer suggestions of why I may be experiencing these emotions.

Once I have found peace again, I go to the person and I talk, if I need to. Surprisingly, after working through my emotions I often find that I am fine with the situation and don’t need to.

Conflict is complicated. I understand that some of us have experienced extreme betrayal by those we love and for that, I am so sorry. I don’t want to oversimplify it, but I do want us to reflect on how we handle conflict overall. Make no mistake, we are all choosing to address conflict in some way. How are you handling it?

How you are handling conflict is drastically shaping your life.

Next time you get into a conflict with someone, instead of focusing on their flaws, take a moment to look at yourself. See yourself. You are worth seeing and You are worth understanding. Allow yourself the opportunity to be honest about why you are in pain so you can be healed from it. It is a journey worth taking my friend and you are worth getting to know.