When You Feel Hopeless in Your Marriage

Before I got married, I would often hear the phrase “marriage is hard work”. It was always said as a cautionary statement to those of us unmarried people to prepare for the difficulty that lay ahead. Whenever I heard people say this, I always assumed what they meant by the statement is that marriage is hard work because it is hard to continue to prioritize one another throughout life.

Now, I know the truth.

I have been married for 16 years and through the years, I have not only had my own experiences with marital disappointment, but I have had a front-row seat as I have walked with many women through theirs.

So, I’m here to tell you that “yes, marriage is hard work”, but it’s more than that.

Marriage is confusing work.

Marriage is defeating work.

Marriage can even be heartbreaking work.

When we get married, we believe we have picked someone who would always be there for us, would always be safe for us, and would always be honest with us. Sure, we know life is stressful and marriage is hard. But we also know who we married. We believe that while life is hard certain things won’t change.

We know them.

We can trust them.

However, through the years things can become different.

One day, we can wake up and be living in a struggling marriage. We remember people telling us how hard it would be and while what we are experiencing is difficult, “hard” doesn’t feel like the word that best describes it. A better word would be defeating.

Marriage can be defeating.

Many women find themselves in marriages with men they don’t even recognize.

Men who have lied to them (and continue to do so).

Men who are no longer willing to do the work it takes.

Men who are having sex with other women.

Men who aren’t honest about how they are spending their time or their money.

You see, when us women hear that “marriage is hard” we think that we can handle it because we are strong, capable women who are willing to do the work. But it isn’t that simple.

Sometimes, it isn’t “work” that needs to be done, but betrayal that has to be dealt with.

Because surprisingly, marriage is filled with betrayal. Both kinds, Blindside Betrayal and Lifestyle Betrayal. Blindside betrayal is when we have no idea something is going on and one day everything comes crashing down and our world is upside down. Lifestyle betrayal is much less dramatic but no less defeating. It is a lifestyle of small betrayals where the man we married is no longer the safe, supportive, sincere person we thought we had beside us.

So while marriage is hard, yes, and it takes a lot of work, yes. It is so much more than “hard work”.

Many women are faced with the very real reality that their marriage has become so utterly disappointing and they are beyond exhausted from the work they have put into it.

It’s not that they are no longer willing to do “the work” it is that they have done the “work” and don’t know what else to do. What else can be done?

If you are reading this and feel defeated in your marriage, I want to encourage you that there is hope. There is hope for you to move forward through this deep experience of betrayal.

You need to be encouraged and you need a plan. Good thing. I have both for you.

I am hosting a FREE, 40 minute Masterclass that covers HOW and WHY betrayal happens. This class covers all types of betrayal, but is perfect for anyone who feels disappointed by their husband!

I Couldn't Believe What She Posted about Me...

I’ll never forget the moment.

I had woken up and was lying in bed. During this time of my life, I was trying to be more disciplined with being on Social Media. I had recognized the many downsides and certainly didn’t love the habit of hopping onto Social Media before my feet even hit the floor.

Before I picked up my phone, I felt a gentle reminder from the Holy Spirit of my goals. Despite that, I opened my phone, checked the weather, read my daily scripture, and thought to myself, what could it hurt? Just a little peak.

To my surprise, it turned out to hurt a lot.

As I was participating in the mindless scroll of Facebook that we all know and love. (Not really, we all know and hate it, but we love it, but we hate it too. UGH!) I continued to scroll and paused to read a friend of mine’s post from the night before & I was stopped in my tracks.

Before my eyes, one of my Christian “friends” had made a post… about me.

It wasn’t just about me, but it was about my ministry. It was how I had chosen to speak. It was about the choices I had made. It didn’t name be by name, but it didn’t need to.

I knew.

After reading it quickly. I read over it again slowly, and again just for good measure. I closed my eyes. I put down my phone and could feel the tears coming. I felt panicked. The world felt like it was closing in. I had to do something. I had to stand.

Carter was in the bathroom getting ready for work and I thought, I need to tell him. Now.

I climbed out of bed and walked toward him. With each step I took, I felt more panicked. I felt hot, short-breathed, & lightheaded. I thought to myself, I might faint.

I walked toward my husband who doesn’t have social media and had started his day like we all used to… just getting ready with his own thoughts and not the opinions of everyone in the world.

As I finally reached him, he looked into my face and said, “What’s wrong?” with a mixture of surprise and confusion. What could be wrong? I had just woken up, hadn’t I? What could’ve happened?

Turns out, a lot.

A lot can happen when you open yourself up to the opinions of others.

You see, this was the first time someone I knew had publicly shamed me and disagreed with me online about my stance in life.

This wasn’t a comment on my post. This was a post on her own page. Back in the day when we all simply posted statuses. It had no photo. No video. No trending audio and no cute reel.

It was simply words.

But it was enough. It was enough to make me feel ashamed. Alone. Embarrassed. Misunderstood.

I couldn’t decide which one bothered me more. Her words or that the first person who liked the post was a woman who I deeply respected. I felt even more embarrassed by their joint attack.

It hurt.

I had been putting myself out of my comfort zone for several years. I felt alone at times. I felt embarrassed often. I doubted myself but constantly went back to trying to be obedient to what God had been asking me to do. Day by day, I was learning humility and walking in obedience.

I knew not everyone agreed. I knew many didn’t care.

I knew that the path I was walking was hard, yet I also knew that the path I was walking was changing the world, not because it was changing anyone else, but because it was changing me.

Yet, here it was. One of my fears.

Being misunderstood by a friend.

Not just any “friend”, but a Christian sister.

Being attacked. Being shamed. I knew there were people who didn’t agree, but I didn’t expect to be so blatantly called out and shamed.

Betrayal sucks.

In the Christian world, I believe it should be non-existent.

But it is.

It is just as prevalent in the Christian Culture as it is outside. Except, I think we can all agree that it is worse. It is worse because we expect love. We expect safety. We expect support.

This was years ago, looking back I know I was immature in my expectations for complete safety & support in the internet world. However, I am a firm believer that Christians should be better. We should be much better at relationships.

In fact, I actually think we should be the rock stars of Relationships. We should be rocking our ability to love amazing while having boundaries that work, and processing our betrayals in the best way.

Because we have the best God ever who loves us unconditionally, with a lot of instructions on how to live, and the complete ability to redeem all things. (He is the best!)

So today, I am here to tell you, if you have been shamed by a fellow Christian friend. I’m sorry.

It hurts. I know.

It sucks. For sure.

However, no matter what, I want you to know that how you process this betrayal matters. What you believe is important. What you do is vital.

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If this conversation meant anything to you, then you need to do two things:

First, listen to this podcast episode with my friend Chrysten Ferrell. It is so good and it will help you.

Second, download my FREE, personalized betrayal guide at www.yourbetrayalguide.com. You can choose the relationship that has betrayed you and you will receive a personalized guide on what to do.

Not Every Relationship Is Safe... And That's Ok

When I was younger, I thought every relationship was created equal. Of course, as I got older, I realized not every relationship I had was a place for me to be loved, accepted, and appreciated.

For years of my life, I tried to keep track of who I could trust and who I couldn’t. If I found out you did or said something disrespectful about me, I pushed you away. If I believed I could trust you, I brought you close.

It was a constant game of trying to figure out who could be trusted. It was exhausting and left me a bit paranoid that no one could be.

I used to often feel betrayed. I was constantly surprised by the fact that people were not returning the love and effort I was giving them. It made me feel confused, angry, and resentful.

Let me explain to you something I have learned through the years…

Every relationship that you have in your life will fall under one of two categories:

A relationship that offers you a safe place to heal

Or

A relationship that offers you an opportunity to grow.

I used to think that every relationship in my life was intended to be a place for me to find acceptance and love, but this is not the case. We will have very few people in our life that can be trusted to love, honor and value us consistently and unconditionally.

It is silly and naïve for me to expect people to love me as I love them.

Who I am and how I love are decisions I am making for my OWN life. It is not and should not be dependent on the choices that people around me are making. These two things have nothing to do with one another.

The way I love is because of the choices I have made in my life. It has cost me a lot to learn how to be the friend that I am. It has been hard and incredibly disappointing.

If it is so difficult, why do it? Because it is important to me.

It is important to me to be a loving person. It is important to me to be a kind person. It is important to me to be a thoughtful friend. It is important to me to be a safe place for the people in my life and a place that offers unconditional love.

This doesn’t mean everyone in my life believes the same.

Don’t get me wrong, I have relationships that I receive acceptance, love, respect, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, and kindness. I do. These relationships love me no matter what. They give me a safe place to fail and to be broken. However, not every relationship will be this for me.

How well a person can love me determines how open I am with them, but it will not determine how much I value them.

It is imperative we learn not all of our relationships are in our lives for the same reason. Some of our relationships offer a safe place to heal and some of our relationships offer us an experience to grow our love. Both of these things can be equally valuable to our life.

Not every relationship in our life should be about what we are receiving, but sometimes it is about who it can teach us to be.

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Feeling Betrayed by God

I was twenty-two years old the first time that I felt betrayed by God. Up until that point, I had heard other people talk about being betrayed by Him, but not me. I had known and worshiped my God since the beginning of my life and I never knew him to be anything but kind, trustworthy, and reliable. I had no reason to doubt him, but that changed in the spring of 2009 when something very bad happened to someone I love.

During this time, I remember being at my parents’ house, listening to a Christian teacher that had come into town. She was teaching on the faithfulness and goodness of God. I will never forget sitting in the corner, tears in my eyes, unable to listen to her fully because I was completely entangled in my anger.  Sure, a couple of weeks before I would’ve wholeheartedly agreed with everything she said, but not now. I couldn’t.

God had always been my safe place of refuge and now he felt like my ultimate betrayer. I wasn’t sure what our future together would hold and I was in shock.

I felt like a fool.

I felt betrayed.

I was filled with questions and wanted answers. I began to have some pretty blunt words with God about what in the world He was doing up there on that throne of His.

Through the following weeks, months, and years, I have found answers to my questions. Surprisingly, as I sought to hold God accountable, I found that my beliefs turned out to be partially to blame for my feelings of being betrayed.

Here are five misunderstandings that led me to blame my heartache on God.

1- I had a misunderstanding of pain.

Pain used to be my enemy. I constantly tried to avoid it. I had actually dedicated pain as something evil because I hated it so much.

What if I had it all wrong? What if this life wasn’t about avoiding pain?

There can be such purpose in our pain.

Our pain allows us to grow. Our pain offers us an opportunity to change. Our pain allows us to fight for what we believe. Our pain allows us to see inaccurate beliefs that we have about our self, others, or our God. 

God does not mind pain. I do not believe that He enjoys watching people suffer, but He does understand that sometimes to experience great healing it will feel like great pain.

If we want to live our life to the fullest, we must understand that some pain has a purpose. We must not run from our pain. We must face it and process it until it doesn’t have power anymore.

2- I believed that God could/should control people.

God loves free will. Free will means that there will be situations where people make the wrong choice. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes mistakenly, and sometimes because they choose evil.

God does not control me. God doesn’t control you.

I am given the opportunity to have him a part of my life or I can choose not to. I am not forced onto the path that He desires me to take and no one else is either.

To give God credit for the bad things that people do is utterly unfair.

3- I didn’t think I should have to go through hardship.

Truth is, I trusted him to keep me safe. I trusted him to keep them safe. That was the deal, right? I worship God and He offers me some level of protection from the bad things in this life, right? That was the agreement?

Or not?

Simply put, I had a warped view that my faith would protect me from difficulty.

My faith was never designed to remove difficulty from my life. My faith was designed to equip me to flourish during difficulty.

If we believe that our faith is supposed to make us invisible to hardship, we will never enter into the battles that we were designed to conquer. Don’t avoid hardship. Avoiding hardship will steal so much from us because there is much hardship on the path to victory.

4- I didn’t understand God’s love.

This was the biggest lesson that I learned. God loves me and God loves each person that was involved in my betrayal. There is no exception to this. There is nothing that can be done to remove his love. 

God loves.

Period.

I know this sounds like a really great thing, but to be honest, this was hard for me. I was always taught that God loves us unconditionally; however, deep down, I felt like He loved those who obeyed him more. 

I had to learn how to respect the fact that God loves the people that hurt me and that God gives grace to the people who betray me. This was a long journey for me, but ultimately one of the best lessons of my life. 

5- I did not understand God’s ability to redeem.

Because I had never endured such betrayal, I didn’t understand God’s redemption. I did not know that God can heal all things. I didn’t understand that He can actually bring me and everyone involved to complete healing and NOT just as we were before, but even better!

Our God is the greatest writer of success stories. No matter what despair has come our way, God has a path to heal it all.

The greatest sorrow gives way for the best redemption.

It took some time to get answers to all of my questions, but after it was all over I had learned a lot.

Life is hard. Situations can be utterly disappointing and heartbreaking. People will fail us.

But through it all, God is good.