I Am Dedicated to Dying Without Bitterness

I have a lot of goals in this life. One of my goals is to die without bitterness.

Maybe you think this is a silly goal, but as I have gotten older, it is becoming more and more apparent how difficult this is going to be.

There are so many disappointing things that happen in this life.

As a child many of us believed that the sky was the limit. We looked at adulthood with longing, because we thought it would be filled with freedom. It seemed clear that our adult life would be the place that all of our dreams would magically come true.

We couldn’t wait to grow up.

However, as we enter into adulthood our hopes can quickly be met with a harsh dose of reality.

Adult life can feel quite monotonous and disappointing.

Our timeline for things like promotions, marriage or children is often different than we hoped. Our career can feel suffocating or stagnant. The money doesn’t always pour in like we expected. Married life is not always the honeymoon we thought it would be and parenting can often be more exhausting than we imagined.

Friendships can be difficult to maintain through the years. Unfortunately, some of our relationships become lost altogether.

And then there are the seasons of life that utterly break our heart and almost break us completely.

It is easy to become cynical.

Without even realizing it, our disappointment can lead us to embrace bitterness. Not all at once, but a little bit at a time.

The way I see it, I have two options:

to own my bitterness or refuse it.

To be clear, I know that bitterness comes with many benefits.

When I am hurt, I can use bitterness as an “off” switch. It allows me to hold onto my expectations and resent the way that things turned out. I can then move forward without processing my disappointment, grieving or forgiving anyone.

Bitterness can be quite comforting when I don’t want to walk through the healing process.

Becoming bitter can happen quite naturally, but it comes at a high cost.

Yes, it gives me a free pass not to heal, but it also keeps me stuck in the pain of my experience. My disappointments will forever have a hold on me until I choose to process them.

I am dedicated to living a life without bitterness.

The way I see it, it is a priority for me to master being disappointed. Not because I enjoy disappointment, but because I want to live free.

Freedom.

The freedom I sought as a child is the very thing I am longing to protect.

My freedom to dream.

My freedom to hope.

The freedom to be me genuinely and not hardened by life.

I will not take responsibility for everything that happens to me in my life, I will take full responsibility for what I do with it.

Bitterness is not for me, that is for sure.

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Look at Me Go!!!.. And Watch Me Fall.

I used to be so afraid of failing. So much so that it actually kept me from trying new things.

Not anymore.

I now realize that failure is nothing to fear. What we should really be afraid of is listening to our fears.

Our fears are merely failures that have never happened and often never do.

Why should I spend my life fearing all of my possible failures when I could live my life to the fullest and learn to manage the ones that actually occur?

My fear tries to tell me to stop moving forward and that the risk isn’t worth the reward.

That’s ridiculous.

I now understand that I shouldn’t be afraid of the fall, but I should be deathly afraid of standing still.

I actually have a few words for fear...

“Dear Fear, I won’t stay hidden.

I will no longer whisper because of you. You try to intimidate me from living, but I’m not a person who takes intimidation lightly. I’m not going to hold back one ounce of the life within me.

I have things to say. I have things to do.

I have given you power in the past, but you will never control me again. I am here to be seen. I am here to be heard.

I am not sure where I am headed, but I know I am moving forward. With each day, I find myself growing stronger. With each attack, I’m getting smarter. With each obstacle, I’m gaining wisdom. Every single thing in my life that has come to tear me down has made me stronger. The obstacles I once feared are now on my list of gratitude.

You try to sell quitting as if it will make me free. Quitting will not make me free, it will keep me stuck.

I am no longer afraid of what lies ahead, but of not finding out. I am no longer afraid of you. I am only afraid of what my life will be if I listen to you.

Of course, I still hear you try to intimidate me, telling me that I don’t have it in me, telling me to simply quit now before I fail, taunting me that doomsday is right around the corner.

All of this time, you seemed so real and scary. You talked as if you knew the future and you were only preparing me for the doomsday to come. But now I get it. You are actually afraid of me. You are afraid of what I may become. And you should be.”

-Haley

Hear me now, anyone in the world who may be reading this, keep an eye on me.

Because I am blazing forward and if there is anything I have learned about me trying to run forward it is that I am inevitably going to fall flat on my face.

So if you are someone who likes to watch a good fall, keep a close watch on me.

Because I can guarantee you this, I am moving forward.

I will fail.

I will fall.

And then I will get myself up, brush myself off and blaze forward again.

All the while yelling, “Look at me go!”

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Five Things to Do When Your Life Is In the Dumps

Take it from a person who has quite literally had most of her stuff in a dumpster. Life can hand us a crappy hand every now and then.

Sometimes we look around and think, how did I get here? But most importantly, how do I get out of here?? Here are a few tips that I have learned for when life hands us lemons:

1.     Be disappointed.

Cry. It is ok to be disappointed. Grieve the things that you have lost. Grieve your expectations. Grieve your plans. Let it out.

It is so important to allow yourself time to be disappointed, but it is just as important not to stay here longer than necessary. 

2.     Connect.

Reach out. Find your peeps. Cling close to the people who help support you, distance yourself from the people who stress you out.

When you reach out to your friends be sure to be real with them. Be vulnerable. Tell them the truth of how you feel, even if you know it sounds crazy. Listen to what they have to say.

When we talk to other people, it allows us to hear a different perspective, which is vital when our own perspective is clouded.

I hope that you have at least two people that you can talk openly to about all the ups and downs of the past, and just as importantly, the steps to move forward.

3.      Disconnect.

When life brings struggle, take a break from Social Media. Social Media can be great, but when our lives feel like they are at rock bottom it can certainly cause us some unnecessary anxiety.

If you need a distraction from your situation, meet up with a friend, pick up an inspiring book, cook or create something, or even watch a your favorite movie.

For heaven’s sake, do not sit down and relish other people’s “amazing” lives. Talk about salt in an open wound.

Disconnect from things that are not beneficial to you, but not from your friends and family that are vital to move forward.

4.      Reflect.

It is important to look over your journey. What led you to this point? What choices did you make that could have prevented this? Not from a place of shame or fear, but from a place of humility and learning to grow from your experience.

Some situations cannot be avoided, but it is still important to take a step back and evaluate your circumstance.

5.      Look ahead.

Who are you now? Who do you want to be in the future? No matter what our circumstances are, we have the ability to grow into the person we want to be.

We must be sure that we do not compromise our long term goals and hopes for this momentary setback.

I hate bad days; however, there are so many beautiful things to experience when we are going through a struggle. 

We cannot control our circumstances, but we must take ownership of our journey. 

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Letting Life’s Problems Change Me… For the Better

Recently, I was talking to a friend and mentioned to her that I am always looking to change. I hope to be a very different person in a year than I am today.

I said it without thinking a thing about it until she stopped me and asked,

“You want to change?”

Do you ever say things and not think about them until someone calls you out for saying it? I do all of the time. I thought about it for a minute and realized that I whole-heartedly believed and agreed with the statement I made.

I want to change.

 I want to constantly be growing, learning and becoming something more amazing than I was before.

This is a far cry from the way I used to live. Actually, it is a complete 180. I used to feel so attached to who I was. I didn’t want to change. In fact, the mere thought of it made me feel insecure. Heaven forbid, someone suggest it.

I was so utterly afraid of needing improvement that it kept me from growing.

This mindset kept me stuck. But not anymore.

I am now dedicated to learning who I am and facing it. Brokenness and all.

Everything in my life is now an opportunity for me to grow. I am learning to maneuver through my perceptions that have kept me from growing in the past

I now view conflict as an opportunity to learn about my brokenness instead of merely accusing the other person of being all of the problem.

I have learned to listen to the things that I say about other people when I am frustrated. I have realized that often times what comes out of my mouth says more about me than it says about them.

I no longer blame my unhappiness or frustrations on anyone else. I have chosen to take ownership and responsibility for my life.

I have embraced the very real fact that sometimes I am just flat wrong.

I give more grace, not just to others, but to myself.

 I allow my circumstances to grow me. I am embracing the true journey of this life. Not just a journey to my next achievement, but the journey of discovering who I am capable of being.

I am finding redemption.

I understand that I am beautiful, but I’ve got a lot of mess on top, around and within this beauty. I am dedicated to the process of unraveling, unveiling and redeeming this whole beautiful mess.

I want freedom and I don't want anything in this life to keep me from finding it.

Including myself.

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Learning to Be a Bully

I have been working on my ability to be a bully. I know what you are thinking, “Haley, it is not good to be a bully.” And for the most part, I agree with you.

I don’t believe in bullying people. Ever. I don’t believe in demeaning people and I believe that all people deserve to be valued.

However, this is an exception to that rule. In my opinion, this guy is the biggest bully I know and he deserves to be bullied in return.

In fact, he has probably tried to bully you too.

Do you know him?

His name is Fear.

To be honest, we weren’t always enemies. There was a time in my life that I actually thought we were friends. I trusted him to help guide me in my life. He would tell me what I should and shouldn’t do and I would obey. 

I thought he was protecting me.

I thought he was watching out for me and my best interest. I heard his concerns and I obeyed his commands. He ruled me.

Fear was the god of my life that I never realized I had.

I thought we were partners making decisions together until I recognized that I was never allowed to disagree with him. It was always his way or the highway.

The partnership I thought we had was actually a dictatorship.

He controlled me and he began to turn me into someone I never wanted to be. My life began to feel like it was slipping from my fingers. I was losing myself.

I had to take a stand.

So I did.

I put him in his place and told him how I felt. I wasn’t going to take his crap anymore. When I started walking away, he got mean. He began to taunt me and tell me that I wouldn’t make it without him.

He began to bully me.

How could I have ever thought this jerk was my friend?

He was not my friend.

As I continued to defy him, I was able to see his true intentions. All this time, I thought he was holding me back from death and he was actually holding me back from life.

His intentions were to take everything from me without me even knowing he had.

I was done with his manipulation. However, it wasn’t that simple. I was unable to get his voice completely out of my life, so I had to learn how to make choices for my life without considering his input.

To this day, when he tries to invite himself back into my life, I put him right back where he belongs.

In the corner. Out of my way.

We have a mutual understanding. He taunts me and I taunt him right back. He belittles me and I belittle him. We bully one another, yet I have learned that I hold all of the cards.

Every time he attempts to interfere with my plans, I look him in the eye and remind him that he resides in the corner of my life.

He is allowed to talk, but only because I haven’t quite figured out how to muzzle him yet.

To tell you the truth, I don’t even mind him in the corner so much. I like to look him in the face, tell him what I am going to do and then make him watch.

Fear is no longer my dictator, but he is merely a spectator to all of my awesomeness.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Want to join? Sign-up through email! CLICK HERE!!! 

Learning to Fail

Recently, I was talking to Carter and was anxiously telling him about a failure. You know those moments that you are face to face with the inevitable fact that you have failed something or someone?

Ugh! I HATE those moments.

I do.

I was worked up and nervously talking away. When all of the sudden Carter stopped me, put his arms around me, looked me in the eyes and said two amazingly perfect words.

“Be Free.”

He continued to tell me that it was fine, that I was fine and that I had to learn to let these things go.

It was fine.

I was fine.

For the past decade of my life, I have been trying to learn how to fail and after ten plus years, I still don’t know exactly how to do it. Of course, I can fail. Failing is inevitable, but I am still learning how to fail well.

How can I still be here after so many years of believing in grace?

How is it possible that I am still so affected by my failure? Why are my limitations, mistakes, and misunderstandings so scary to me? I have come so far, but I still have a long ways to go.

In the past, when I have failed, I felt the need to cover up my failure and hide my mistakes. At the same time, I would defend my value as if it was something that needed defending. 

During my failure, there was always a little voice taunting me... What if my fears are true? What if my fail is a sign that I not only failed, but I am a failure?? But worse, what if I am a failure who is destined to fail forever?

What if I not only got it wrong but what if I am wrong?  What if I don't just make mistakes. What if I am the mistake? 

(insert tear.)

Several years ago, I became quite aware that my fear of failure could have the potential to steal my entire life from me. I rallied myself, gathered some peeps around me to help me stay on track, and I went forth into the world determined not to let my fear of failure steal from my life. 

I really don't enjoy failure. I am more of an enjoyer of success. Success is fun, but I don’t believe that we learn jack squat during our successes. Now our failures are a different story... our failures are full of opportunities.

Our failures show us our fears.

Our failures show us our weaknesses.

Our failures give us an opportunity to experience grace.

Do not get me wrong, I still do not enjoy failing, but I have learned to value the process. Learning to fail has taught me a lot about who I am and the fears that are within me. I have and will continue to fail. And that's ok.

We must embrace the role that failure will play in our lives.

Our goal should not be to not fail.

Our goal should be to learn how.

My fails still bother me at times, but no matter how hard I fall on my face I choose to be kind to myself. I evaluate my intentions and determine if they need any correction. If they do, I own it. When I struggle to have grace for myself, I ask someone to help me move forward without shame.

Perhaps the greatest change I have made is that I no longer act like it isn't happening. I face it so that I can learn from it. I choose to grow instead of choosing to remain the same. I own my issues. I own my mistakes. 

I own my failure.

I choose to heal and move forward fully knowing that I will fail again, but no longer allowing it to keep me from living the life I was meant to live.

Finding freedom in facing my brokenness. Do you want to join me?  CLICK HERE!!! 

Losing Myself in the Performance

I was in sixth grade the first time that an acquaintance told me that she didn’t like me. Nothing had happened between us. Just me being “me” was enough to arouse in her a very strong feeling of frustration and annoyance, and she needed me to be aware of it.

I was eleven years old.

So, I guess I could tell you that it was also in sixth grade that I began to perform for the world to accept me. I began to try to be what other people wanted me to be.

This was the first time that I was told that I rubbed people the wrong way, but this wouldn’t be the last. I have heard this statement repeated, in many various forms, since then. Not only whispered through the grapevine, but straight to my face.

Don’t be so loud.

Be friendlier.

Smile more, but don’t come off fake.

Don’t be so happy all of the time, it is annoying.

Don’t come off too ‘judgy’.

Wave at more people.

Don’t walk like you walk.

Talk more.

Talk less.

Don’t be so opinionated.

When I ask for advice, don’t act like you know everything. Just listen.

Sometimes you rub people the wrong way. Don’t.

You need to change because you being “you” is annoying.

I wasn’t exactly sure what everyone was wanting, but I tried to listen and make myself more of who they expected me to be. I began to live my life for them. Despite my best effort, it seemed that no one was even recognizing all of the “wonderful” changes I was making.

No one seemed to be noticing my modifications, except I was detecting something very scary. The more I tried to be who I thought everyone wanted, the more I compromised who I was. I could feel it inside of me. I was losing my passion for life and it started to scare me.

I was beginning to lose myself.

I had been told that being “me” was wrong, but it seemed impossible for me to be anyone else. So what is a girl to do? If I could only be myself or be what everyone wanted me to me? I was going to have to make a choice…

I chose to be me.

It is so easy to feel like we should be able to make everyone happy with who we are. For some reason, it feels important to listen to negative feedback and make changes. In some cases, it is important. When people I love and people who love me come to me with something, it is vitally important that I listen to them. I must hear what they are saying and where they are coming from. The people who love me, love me. They want the best for me and will speak to me in a way that allows me an opportunity to grow, but not to compromise the love I have for myself.

I no longer entertain the hateful comments casually said about who I am and I no longer listen to people who choose to shame me for being me.

And you should not listen to those who choose to shame you for being you.

You are a living, breathing, quirky, funny, awkward being who is different than every other living being on this earth. You have a distinctive way of expressing the things inside of you. The unique things inside of you are the very things that should be treasured and protected, not hid.

We are all under an immense pressure to perform to what others believe we should be.  Let’s not live our life trying to please the people who just want us to be their puppet.

We are not meant to be a puppet.

I have lost myself at times in the performance. I have put forth way too much effort and time into performing for people that were never going to be happy with my dance. 

When we try to do the dance that others expect of us, it exhausts us.

People will look at us and judge how we live. Let them look. Let them judge, but let’s not perform for them. Let’s not try to be anything. Let's just be us.  I guarantee that some people will tell us that we are too much and some people will tell us that we are not enough; however, I am here to tell you differently.

You are just right.

Let them do their dance.

You do yours.

The world needs more people that are willing to live the life that they have inside of them.

We are waiting for you.

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Shame Is the Name of the Game

Have you ever been overwhelmed with shame? Have you ever felt shame for a choice or a mistake that you made? Maybe you have felt shame for not being the same as someone else? Or felt ashamed for being “you”? Have you ever felt like you aren't enough?

Shame is interesting. When we are shaming someone else, we feel superior. We feel that we are better than them because “we would never do that” or “say that” or “be that”. When we experience shame within ourselves, it makes us feel inferior. “How can I struggle with this?” or “Why did I say that?” or “Why did I do that?”

Shame is woven into our culture. It is used in our marriages, friendships, parenting, religion, politics, workplaces… It is everywhere. I am particularly talking about how we use it to dishonor and disgrace people.

Shame has a strange way of connecting people together. Many people and cultures embrace the idea of shaming others. They value shame. Entire movements have been fueled by it. People love to join together and shame others for their choices.

Shame is one of the loudest voices in the world right now.

Why?

Because it works.

Shame is often used to manipulate people. It keeps people “in line” and is powerful enough to control behavior. When someone uses shame on us, it connects us to our deepest fear of being rejected.

 “If I am not good enough, they will leave me.”

 “If I don’t measure up, they will not love me.”

Shame is a mighty force, but shame can’t possibly compare to the power of love. Love gives grace and mercy to accept us in our current condition.

Love gives us security.

“I love you just as you are.”

Shame gives us a threat.

“If you don’t measure up, I will leave you.”

Shame is powerful, but let me warn you, it only has the power to put people in shackles. Shame loves to keep people enslaved with guilt. It keeps us afraid and confined. I wonder how many of us have been too afraid to be honest about our internal struggles because we are unsure if we will be loved once we are.  

Shame keeps us in bondage.

Love gives us freedom.

Even if we decide we don’t want to live a life of shame, other people will try to give it to us. Some people don’t want to live without it. We cannot control the choices they make, but we can control the ones we make.

We must stop allowing shame to dictate our lives.

I have yet to meet a person who has arrived to the destination of “Perfection”. We must stop believing that we only have value if we are perfect. We must find a way to love the fact that we are a work in progress. Our value must not come from our degree of perfection, but from the fact that we are a human being.

It is vital that we get rid of the sliding scale that we use to measure people’s worth… including our own.

We are all on a journey, and this journey should not be treated with shame, but with appreciation. We should be grateful for the continual opportunity to learn, grow and become even more beautiful than we were yesterday.

We must not let the shame of who we have been keep us from the glory of who we are becoming. 

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