The Worst Part about Love

I have always been a people person. I like friends. I like family. I can think of no better way to spend my life than investing in the people around me.

I love people.

I love the opportunity to experience new things. Laugh together. Cry together. Support one another. Cheer on one another. People. Love. Relationships. I love it all.

However, it is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

And people get hurt A LOT.

Have you ever been hurt by someone? (Insert sarcasm.) Of course, YOU HAVE! From the time we were young, we were getting hurt by people. Friends, family, peers on the playground, there are an endless amount of opportunities to get hurt in this life.

We all have people in our life that have disappointed us. Not just the acquaintance we work with, but people close to us. Times when we found out something hurtful a friend said about us or when we needed support but failed to receive it.

I have some of the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for, but that doesn’t mean my relationships come with no cost. There are so many opportunities for misunderstandings.

I believe this is something that should be talked about more. Don’t get me wrong, I am not cynical, but I do consider myself very practical.

Sometimes misunderstandings happen that seem completely innocent and then there are times when the pain seems deliberate. These experiences make us second guess having people in our life at all.

This is when the rubber meets the road and love can seem like one horrible idea.

We have done ourselves a disservice because we don’t have a good understanding of what love is or the power that it beholds. Somewhere along the way, we have told ourselves that if we love big, then we will be loved big.

Truth is, if we Love big, we will Hurt big.

So many of us expect our love to be returned to us at the measure it is given. Love is not given to the measure it is received. Love is given to the measure of capacity.

I can love big, but not because I have people in my life who don’t make mistakes, but because I have worked for years on growing my capacity to love.

Love isn’t about receiving what you give.

Love is about giving all that you have.

Love is about stretching you to become a beautiful person, no matter if someone else chooses to do the same.

Are You Being Taken Advantage Of? Here’s the Solution.

Have you ever felt taken advantage of? I’m not talking about being lied to or stolen from, I’m talking about situations when we helped someone out and felt they expected more than they should or they seemed ungrateful for how much we did for them.

Whether by a friend, family member, spouse, or coworker, most of us have felt like we have been taken advantage of at one point or another. These situations can be quite frustrating to experience, but I have discovered the solution.

Time and time again, I have realized being taken advantage of is simply a need for two things:

boundaries

and

communication.

It is an opportunity for us to use our words and set appropriate boundaries.

But let’s be clear, If we offer to help someone out, we should do so without the expectation they will pay you back for it. If we expect them to pay us back, we must be clear from the start of our expectations.

We should never expect payment for our kindness.

If we are expecting something in return we need to understand this is not a gift.

This is a debt.

Secondly, we need to understand how situations change. Maybe we offered to help someone out by babysitting, paying a bill, house sitting, helping them at work, assisting them financially, or any other assistance, and when we agreed, we were happy to help.

We offered our assistance with a pure heart, no strings attached, but then, at some point something changed. Our once kind offer changed into something we resent the person for.

We need to understand this does not necessarily mean this person has done anything wrong. It simply means that it is time for us to have a conversation about the agreement moving forward.

It is time to set a boundary.

Unfortunately, many people really suck at having conversations and setting new boundaries. This is a vital skill we all need to learn if we don’t want to feel taken advantage of.

You see, it is simple to never be taken advantage of again:

First, don’t expect payment for helping someone out.

Second, whenever someone is expecting you to give more than you are willing to give, reassess the agreement and have a conversation.

Lastly, don’t help if you aren’t actually wanting to help.

It really is as simple as that.

As humans, we like to blame people. We like for our problems to be other people’s fault. Sometimes our problems are caused by other people; however, when it comes to being taken advantage of this is not the problem of someone else. If we have been taken advantage of there is only one person to blame.

Ourselves.

Because we were unwilling to say “no” or “not anymore”.

I invite you to never feel taken advantage of again. I invite you to say these words,

“No, I will not do that for you.”

You see my friends, we hold the key to so many of our frustrations and annoyances in life, the question is will we do anything about it?

What Is Love?

Love is surprisingly exciting and exceptionally mundane. It is found in traveling around the world together, but also sitting on the couch.

Love is dreaming big plans, but living on a budget. Love is joining your hopes together and knowing the risk. Love is taking a chance.

Love is living in the moment, but sticking through the years.

Love is not having to wonder what they say when you’re not there. Love is being valued. Love is feeling safe.

Love is being chosen.

Love is being listened to even when they’re tired. Love is being encouraged, lifted up, and held high. Love is being heard.

Love is being told the truth. Love is forgiving.

Love is telling the truth. Love is being forgiven.

Love is laughing together, but also wiping one another’s tears. Love is being broken, but finding the path to wholeness, hand in hand.

Love is not only about saying the sweet things, but being willing to say the hard things, too.

Love is butterflies, hugs, and kisses. Love is special dinner dates and boring Tuesdays. Love is evening walks and late night talks. Love is dancing in the kitchen and dreaming on the porch.

Love is finding freedom. Love is having self-control.

Love is against all odds.

Love is you. Love is me. Love is us. Together Forever. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary.

-Your Gal

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Love Sucks

I made a choice long ago to be a person who loves. Over the years, I have slowly grown my capacity to love much like exercising a muscle to gain strength. Loving big is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life.

But let me let you in on something I have learned…

Love sucks.

Yep, there. I said it.

When I casually hear the word “love” I think about hugs and kisses, rainbows and butterflies, and people singing Kumbaya while holding hands. However, living a life of love is so far from roses and rainbows.

Living a life of love looks more like a warzone than a Hallmark card.

Unfortunately, love is filled with so many things that aren’t warm and fuzzy. Love is filled with misunderstandings and love is filled with disappointments.

Loving big means opening up and creating vulnerability within your life.

The more vulnerable you become, the more likely you are to experience pain.

Love also opens the door to experience one of the most painful things that exist, rejection.

Love hurts.

I am not talking about drama. I am talking about the inevitable experience of pain if you choose to be a person who loves big. No question. No doubt about it.

“Love”

It sounds really simple.

But it’s not.

It’s not easy to love people when they disappoint you. It is not easy to love people when they don’t show up for you. It’s not easy to love people who have hurt you. It is not easy to love people who have betrayed you. It is not easy to love people who have rejected you. It is not easy to love people who disagree with you.

To put it simply, it is not easy to love people.

It is complex and messy and all twisted up like a tangled necklace with a really small chain.

Do I really want to love people? What about the people who haven’t supported me as I expected? Do I love those people? Do I choose to love even the people who aren’t loving me?

Years ago, I settled something in myself. I decided to go down a path of love. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever go back. I was choosing love. The end.

I will choose to love despite the decision made by the person on the other side. I will bless. Period. Even for those who reject me, I will choose to value.

I will not sway from this belief.

I will not falter from this regard.

I have cried many tears over my choice to love, but what better way to spend my tears than experiencing the depth of something that always produces beauty in my life?

Love sucks, but love is worth it every time.

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How to Deal with Angry People

I used to think people were pretty simple. I thought we all wanted to get along and be happy, but sometimes life simply got in the way. As I have gotten older, I realize that may be true for me, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Not everyone feels the need to live peacefully.

I am now convinced, some people actually enjoy creating chaos particularly during times they feel chaos inside of themselves.

Some people crave the tension.

They relish the push back.

They enjoy the storm.

They aren’t scared for things to get messy.

Yelling can be fun.

Screaming, no problem.

They are great at making sense of their arguments and justifying everything they do or say… no matter how absurd. You might even find them switch sides or topics in the middle of an argument which can become quite confusing to engage with.

That is because the topic at hand is not the point.

The conflict is.

There is a sense of comfort found for them in the storm.

Even though they may look out of control, they feel powerful during these moments of chaos. It feels calming when the situations and people around them match the turmoil they feel within themselves.

If you are in relationship with someone who has anger issues, they will try to start fights with you when they are feeling stressed. If they can get you to explode, it validates they are not the only ones who can’t control themselves. If you choose not to, this will no doubt make them angry perhaps even angrier than if you engage.

Many people with anger issues have the ability to get over an argument quickly and expect others to as well.

They don’t understand why people hold on to the things that were said in anger because they no longer feel the tension within themselves.

They feel better after they explode, no matter the destruction that is left behind.

They find injustice in many places, including work, friends, and family and you will be expected to agree with them.

They want you to validate their experiences, their perceptions, their emotions, and ultimately their anger. They believe how they feel is very important, so if you do not support them in their feelings they will not feel loved and you will quickly find yourself as a target.

They don’t enjoy being viewed as a victim because that makes them feel weak. However, much of their mindset is based upon the belief they are often mistreated. After an argument, they will commonly convince people to feel sorry for them.

People do not choose behavior repeatedly unless it works for them on some level.

When someone has embraced anger as an outlet they essentially use it as a release to cope with frustrations in life.

If you have someone in your life that has anger tendencies, you cannot change them. You cannot talk them out of their anger or “manage” their emotions for them. You need to understand that ultimately, they are the only one who can change how they handle the chaos inside of themselves.

They get to make their choices. Just like you get to make yours.

Anyone can change.

Anyone can grow.

Anyone can heal.

But it is important to remember, the only people changing, growing, or healing, are the people acknowledging they need to.

Blessings,

Haley

Why Do People Lie?

Living an honest, genuine life comes at a cost and I have found not everyone is willing to pay the price.

It can feel so natural to tell a simple lie to avoid difficulty or awkwardness in our life. There are many reasons we choose to lie, here are six that I have come across…

1- To avoid conflict

One of the most common reasons people lie is to avoid conflict. Many of us view conflict as a negative experience and struggle to say difficult things. During times of conflict or disagreement, it can seem simpler to answer dishonestly while keeping our true feelings to ourselves.

Unfortunately, people who choose to avoid facing conflict are also people who will end up walking away from a lot of relationships.

You cannot have meaningful, long-lasting relationships without choosing to face conflict.

2- To avoid accountability

In my opinion, the second most common reason people lie is to avoid accountability. It is simple, we want to do what we want to do. We know if we share the truth people will try to stop us, so we don’t share.

3- Not ready to discuss a topic or don’t believe you have a right to the truth

There are times we are not ready to discuss a certain topic or someone asks us something that is, well frankly, none of their business. When we have this happen, many of us choose a simple lie to avoid the topic.

4- In the moment, we believe what we are saying

Some lies aren’t as much planned deceit but actually more of an inability to follow through.

Meaning, if I tell Carter today, “I love you and I want to be with you forever.” But, tomorrow, he makes me mad and I no longer want to be with him, so I tell him, “I don’t love you anymore. I want to leave you.”

Perhaps I believe both statements to be true when I say them, but I have an inability to follow through long-term. I have given my emotions too much control over my life.

As adults, we should be capable of following through with our words even when we don’t feel like it.

5- To create an alternate reality

I think when many of us hear the word “liar” we think of this type of lying. When people choose to live secret lives and lie to cover their tracks. This kind of lifestyle requires that we not only avoid topics, but we create “stories” to keep our secret life flourishing. The longer we do this, the more stories we will have to create to cover our tracks.

When it all comes crashing down (it always does… eventually) we will cause a lot of hurt to the people who trusted us.

6- For fun

There are people in this world that simply lie for the fun of it. They like to manipulate people and it makes them feel powerful to convince people that their lies are in fact truth. These people are master manipulators and are often difficult to detect.

Each and every one of us gets to choose the level of honesty we live in our life.

I believe it is powerful to own the truth and speak the truth even when it is difficult or awkward.

I believe the relationships in my life are worth confronting and I believe it is my job to follow through on what I say even when I no longer feel like following through.

I do not believe in living a life of pretend where I make up an alternate reality that doesn’t actually exist.

I believe in owning who I am and being honest about my intentions in life.

These are the things I believe…

What about you?

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The Truth about Unconditional Love

Growing up, I heard the term “unconditional love” a lot. Honestly, I had the mindset unconditional love was everywhere. I thought every friend and family member I had would love me, value me, and honor me without condition.

Of course, it didn’t take me long to learn the harsh reality that unconditional love wasn’t as common as I thought. In reality, there are a whole lot of conditions to the relationships we live, some spoken and some unspoken.

For years of my life, I tried really hard to “prove” my worthiness to my friends and family. I did this by trying to be the “perfect” daughter, sister, friend, and wife. Of course, I was nowhere near perfect and this left me exhausted.

I was constantly afraid I wasn’t going to measure up and in the end, they would figure out I wasn’t worthy of their love.

In my early twenties, I became a bit obsessed with trying to be “perfect”, had a minor life breakdown, and demanded I find a new way for myself to live.

I will never forget, standing in front of my bed, crying to my husband that I was exhausted, broken, and completely discouraged. I felt like I was failing at being who everyone wanted me to be.

I felt like a failure… and I was.

I was a failure at reading everyone’s mind. I was a failure at being perfect. I was a failure at being sure no one would ever reject me.

You see, I was extremely afraid my friends and family expected me to be perfect and I knew the truth.

I wasn’t.

I was so afraid once everyone figured it out they would leave me.

And I was afraid to be alone.

This breakdown led me to one of the best journeys of my life. I decided to stop trying to be perfect. I chose to stop trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I decided to stop trying to control everyone else and their choice to love me or not to.

I looked at my life and realized there were a few people I really did think loved me unconditionally. I chose to talk to them about what I was going through.

I had conversations with them and explained how much I had been afraid of failing them. I talked to them and owned it. This wasn’t their problem to fix. It was mine. I didn’t tell them so they could treat me with care. I told them so they could encourage me to find healing.

And they did.

Year by year, I learned I did have people in my life who loved me unconditionally.

I learned not everyone, but some people are willing to look at the worst parts of me and say,

“That’s ok, I love you”.

I learned it was ok to be the failure that I was.

I became obsessed with getting real with my crap. I didn’t tell everyone everything, but I made sure to at least tell someone everything.

I started feeling free for the very first time in my life.

No secrets.

Nothing left to be afraid of.

I began to understand not everyone in my life is even called to love me unconditionally and I don’t even need that anymore.

I have learned I have been given unconditional love from a few so I can now give unconditional love to many.

And maybe in the end, that’s what it has always been about.

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Do You Feel Alone?

Do you feel alone? It is so easy to feel alone in this world. We can be in the middle of a crowded room, yet still feel alone. We may have hundreds or even thousands of “friends” and “followers”, yet feel completely isolated. We can talk with people, work with people, and live with people, yet no one knows what we are going through.

Why do so many people feel alone right now? Why do people feel so much anxiety, fear, and depression? Why are we so isolated? We have more ways to connect than ever before so how are we more disconnected than any other time in history?

I have had years of my life that I felt very isolated. There was so much going on within me that no one knew about.

I never intended to keep so much of myself a secret, it just happened

Most of the time, I felt great. I felt like a normal, connected person. A person that wasn’t alone until I would hit a struggle zone.

Maybe something had happened and it triggered anxiety. Maybe nothing had happened, but I felt anxious none the less.

I lived a life surrounded with people, but at times, felt completely alone.

The people in my life didn’t know the struggles I was going through because I was too afraid to tell them I was struggling. I hid it until it went away. It always went away… eventually.

I had learned to just wait it out.

I knew that if I opened up to someone, I might get rejected. They might say that what I felt was stupid or wrong. They might think I was a failure.

I didn’t want to be a failure. I liked to be a success.

I liked when people talked to me and saw that I had my shit together. And to be honest, most of the time, I did. But then sometimes, I felt so broken. I felt so discouraged. I felt so lost. And because I hadn’t ever told anyone about that part of myself, I felt so alone.

I am thankful to tell you that I haven’t felt alone for years.

Sincerely.

Don’t get me wrong, I have felt stressed, sad, anxious, and discouraged, but I don’t feel alone anymore. How is that possible?

Simple, I started letting people in.

Not people on my social media, real-life people.

I started to talk to my husband, I started being honest with my mom, I started sharing real life with my sisters, and I started being open with my friends.

Simply put, I started being honest and vulnerable.

When I was doing well, I was doing well. But when I wasn’t, I wasn’t.

I no longer just said, “I’m fine” whenever people asked and I no longer waited for them to ask.

I didn’t open up to everyone, just my people. The people that God had given me to find healing with.

To this day, when I am not doing well my people know. I will reach out to my husband if he doesn’t answer, my mom. If she can’t talk, my sister. If she is busy, a friend.

I do not joke around because I have found the amazing power of connection.

When I am struggling my people encourage me. They speak truth to me when all I can hear are the lies. They remind me who I am when I can’t seem to remember. They give me a direction when I feel lost.

My people pray for me. My people catch me when I fall. My people remind me that failing is ok. They encourage me when I am discouraged. They remind me that I have value even when I don’t perform well. They give me grace in a world that seems to be losing it. I love my people.

I do whatever it takes to feel connected. I call. I text. I email. I reach out until I find peace.

And don’t let anyone fool you because there is peace to be found in this world.

How do I know?

Because I have it.

I have found peace and much of that journey has come from learning to be real. Learning to risk being hurt in exchange for experiencing real relationships.

You see, I have finally found the key. As long as I was hiding my insecurities and my failures the people in my life could never fully love me.

Turns out, I was afraid that I wasn’t worthy to love if I had issues so I hid them.

News flash.

We all have issues.

However, our issues should not keep us from experiencing love.

Our fear of being rejected should not have the power to keep us alone.

If we don’t want to feel alone anymore it is quite simple. Start being honest about who you are. Stop letting fear tell you that you must keep your failures and your shortcomings a secret. Face your brokenness and invite someone into it.

Funny enough, my brokenness wasn’t actually the problem in my life. My brokenness was a gift for me to finally experience what I wanted all along.

Love.

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I Am Dedicated to Dying Without Bitterness

I have a lot of goals in this life. One of my goals is to die without bitterness.

Maybe you think this is a silly goal, but as I have gotten older, it is becoming more and more apparent how difficult this is going to be.

There are so many disappointing things that happen in this life.

As a child many of us believed that the sky was the limit. We looked at adulthood with longing, because we thought it would be filled with freedom. It seemed clear that our adult life would be the place that all of our dreams would magically come true.

We couldn’t wait to grow up.

However, as we enter into adulthood our hopes can quickly be met with a harsh dose of reality.

Adult life can feel quite monotonous and disappointing.

Our timeline for things like promotions, marriage or children is often different than we hoped. Our career can feel suffocating or stagnant. The money doesn’t always pour in like we expected. Married life is not always the honeymoon we thought it would be and parenting can often be more exhausting than we imagined.

Friendships can be difficult to maintain through the years. Unfortunately, some of our relationships become lost altogether.

And then there are the seasons of life that utterly break our heart and almost break us completely.

It is easy to become cynical.

Without even realizing it, our disappointment can lead us to embrace bitterness. Not all at once, but a little bit at a time.

The way I see it, I have two options:

to own my bitterness or refuse it.

To be clear, I know that bitterness comes with many benefits.

When I am hurt, I can use bitterness as an “off” switch. It allows me to hold onto my expectations and resent the way that things turned out. I can then move forward without processing my disappointment, grieving or forgiving anyone.

Bitterness can be quite comforting when I don’t want to walk through the healing process.

Becoming bitter can happen quite naturally, but it comes at a high cost.

Yes, it gives me a free pass not to heal, but it also keeps me stuck in the pain of my experience. My disappointments will forever have a hold on me until I choose to process them.

I am dedicated to living a life without bitterness.

The way I see it, it is a priority for me to master being disappointed. Not because I enjoy disappointment, but because I want to live free.

Freedom.

The freedom I sought as a child is the very thing I am longing to protect.

My freedom to dream.

My freedom to hope.

The freedom to be me genuinely and not hardened by life.

I will not take responsibility for everything that happens to me in my life, I will take full responsibility for what I do with it.

Bitterness is not for me, that is for sure.

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A Letter to my {Not So} Romantic Husband on this Romantic Holiday

Babe,

Here we are again. This is our 17th Valentine’s Day together and I would say we have the swing of it at this point.

I love that I know there is a 99% chance there are no surprises coming. (Although those two times you surprised me were pretty fun!)

I love that we both laughed this morning when I asked if you had a surprise get-a-way to the Bahamas planned for today. I love that I asked you if I should pick up my own chocolate covered strawberries or if you had it covered.

I love that at some point I know I will probably receive a card from you that looks like it was painted by Bob Ross and I will roll my eyes and laugh at your card picking skills. I love that I won’t be surprised by anything you say in the card because I know exactly how you feel about me.

I love that I don’t need a card.

 I love that you helped get the kiddos ready this morning and gave each of us a hug and kiss before you left. And I love that it is no different than any other morning.

I love that we may do a romantic date night this weekend or we may stay home and make pizzas with the kids. I love that either way I know we will have a great time.

I love that I no longer need you to prove anything to me on this particular day. I love that I have zero expectations.

I don’t need you to prove your love for me today because you prove your love for me every day.

Of course, we have had holidays that I did have expectations and felt very disappointed. But through the years, I think I have learned what love is really about.

Love isn’t about celebrating on the big days. Love is about appreciating the normal days.

Love is not about big acts, but small ones.

Every time you come home and the house is a wreck and you don’t say a thing.

Every time you help me fold and put away the mountain of laundry that I have gotten behind on.

Every time you do the dishes at the end of a long day and don’t mind if I sit.

Every time you get up with the kids in the night without me asking you to do it.

Every time you answer a call or text from me and listen to me rant about something I am frustrated by.

Every time you encourage me to keep moving forward in my hopes. Every time you listen to me share my fears. Every time you give me grace when I fail.

Every time you accept me right where I am, but encourage me to keep moving forward.

Days like these make me sit back and think about how blessed I am that I no longer need you to prove your love for me because you really have done that well.

I love you, babe.

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My Major Misunderstanding of Love

I used to think that the words “relationship” and “love” could be defined as the same, but they are not the same at all. Understanding the difference between having a relationship and experiencing love has been life altering for me. 

Relationships are a mutual choice between two people to experience life together.

Love is the choice of one person to value another.

Relationships must be experienced by two.

Love is given by one.

I used to be a person of very conditional love. It was common for me to lower people’s value based on my perception of them and their choices. 

Which is quite interesting considering I have spent my entire life dedicated to a faith based on love.

For the past decade, I have been growing my capacity to love and I am quite pleased to say that I am now able to offer love to even the most frustrating of persons.

My ultimate goal?

Unconditional love.  

I have been through a lot with people through the years and I get it.

People suck.

They do.

People lie. People cheat. People steal. People can’t be trusted. People hurt us. People betray us.

I’m not here to tell you otherwise.

I’ve been there. Heck, I’m there today.

I get it.

But I am all in.

 I have two feet planted deep into the battle to love and I have the scars to prove it.

I am talking about loving bigger than feelings and experiencing something deeper than mere pleasantries.

I am talking about living in the trenches and fighting for a cause that I believe in.

I am talking about choosing to value those who have disappointed me, respecting those who disagree with me, blessing those who curse me, forgiving those who have betrayed me, and loving those people who have rejected me.

My decision to love has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. However, it is that very decision that has caused me the most pain and disappointment in my life. 

But no matter the cost, I will love. Period.

I love because I have been given love and it has changed my life.

Does that mean I have the same relationship with everyone? Absolutely not. Relationships require mutual admiration and respect. Love does not.

Despite popular belief, my ability or inability to value someone does not define them... but it does define me.

I now understand that love is not an easy way out.
Love is my only way free.

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If You Need to Judge Me Then Do What You Must

I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.

If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too.

You don’t know what I’ve been through. You do not understand why I am who I am. You don’t know what my journey has cost me. You don’t know the tears that I’ve cried or the fears that I’ve fought. You don’t understand all the times that I have chosen to grow and I have chosen to learn.

I used to feel so afraid of you and your disapproval.

It used to take my breath away and choke me as if it could kill me. I used to do things for you… so that you would approve of me… so that you would love me.

And then I stopped.

I had to.

I realized that even with the best of trying I couldn’t make you happy. I couldn’t be everything you wanted me to be.

I had to stop running after you and the disappearing vapors of your approval because I realized in the chase for your endorsement I was losing myself.

I believe you want the best for me and you feel you know what that is. Thank you, but it seems that you are incapable of loving me without very specific requirements of who I must be. Thanks for the offer, but I am gonna have to say “no thanks”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “no thanks” to you. I am saying “no thanks” to the burden of your expectations.

I would love for you to be a part of my journey, but I will not base my life choices on the critical words that I hear from you. I will not base my value on your sliding scale of interpretation.

I say that without hate or malice. I mean you no disrespect. I value you, but I can see clearly that you struggle to do the same for me.

So I release you.

I no longer need you to approve of me. I no longer need you to validate my worth.

Why?

Because I have found it for myself.

I know you feel it is your job to measure my performance and my worth, but I assure you, it is not. 

I release you from loving me in a way that you are unable to. I will no longer expect you to understand my heart.

I will no longer expect you to trust my intent.

 I will move forward with the understanding that at least for now, you are unable to love me without conditions. I will choose to love you right where you are despite your inability to do the same for me.

And that’s ok.

I have grace for you to be where you are. I give you grace not because of who you are, but because of who I am, because of the journey that I have taken…

the very journey that you fail to understand.

-Haley

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Ten Things to Know About Manipulators {From a Recovering, Insecure, Manipulative Control Freak}

 Many people do not realize that I am a recovering control freak who was born with a natural ability to manipulate people.

From the time I was little, I can remember watching people, listening, and learning how people reacted to certain things. From parents to teachers, to friends, I liked to read people and once I did, I learned how to give them what they wanted for one primary reason... so that I could get what I wanted. 

Being a manipulator means you are aware of how other people function and use it to your advantage.

 Here are a few ways to identify a manipulator
(from my experience of being one):

1- Manipulators are "givers". 

It is important to understand that a manipulative person is often a very giving person. Particularly in the beginning of a relationship. However, manipulators are very wise and thoughtful about what they give to others.

I don't mean only material gifts, although that certainly can be a way to manipulate. I mean things like time, attention, flattery and affection. Manipulators do not mind giving. They see it as tool to get what they want from you.

Remember this: They will only give you what you want as long as it doesn't compromise their primary goal... what they want.

2- Manipulators are selfish.

How can I make the blanket statement that ALL manipulators are selfish? Well, through the years, I have learned that manipulating someone I "love" without explaining to them what I am doing is not love.

When I choose to manipulate someone, I do so for only one person.

Myself.

Remember this: You will often hear manipulative people talk about how much they care about other people. 

3- Manipulators distance themselves from other manipulators.

Manipulative people will surround themselves with non-manipulative people. To be around other manipulators runs the risk of a power struggle and manipulators do not like to struggle for their power.

Remember this: Manipulators like to feel in control. They do NOT like it if someone else tries to manipulate them but hate it, even more, when someone tries to manipulate someone they felt they had control over.

4- Manipulators learn how to isolate people from one another.

If you begin a relationship with a manipulative person and they realize someone in your life who is not supportive of them, they will begin to cause tension between you and that person.

They will do this strategically. They will plant small seeds of frustration so that you believe it is actually your idea to distance yourself.

Remember this: They will often use ideas of "you deserve better". Of course, what they mean is that they are "better".

5- Manipulative people often present themselves as being "go with the flow" type people.

They will often say things like "I am really easygoing" or "I don't care". Manipulators use this tactic to keep targets off of their backs.

If a manipulator presents themselves as being easygoing, then it becomes very difficult for people to blame them for manipulation.

A "go with the flow" type of person doesn't care enough to try to control someone else. Right??

Remember this: Manipulative people can say they are laid back; however, manipulators have a very difficult time controlling themselves if their control begins to be challenged. Watch out for this.

6- Manipulators are always insecure.

This may seem like a reach, but let me tell you. It is true. The need to manipulate and the need to control people and circumstances comes from fear. They fear that if they aren't in control, then something may happen to them that they aren't prepared for. 

Remember this: The control gives them a false sense of security; however, it should never take controlling another person to make a person feel secure. 

7- Manipulators are master presenters. 

The best skill that a manipulator has is their presentation. A great manipulator has learned the *art* of presenting what they want people to know in a very specific manner.

Nothing is said without thought.

It is all part of the "presentation". Manipulators are very careful to not let people see ugly parts of themselves. 

Remember this: No one can be in *presenter* mode forever. The closer you get to a manipulator the more you will feel you need to be a part of the *show* that they present. You will find yourself defending them and even describing them in ways that aren't reality. 

8- Manipulators are afraid to be alone.

No one wants to be alone or rejected. Manipulators use their *gift* to ensure that they won't be. They will use their presentation skills to appear perfect so that people will love them. 

A manipulator will always have a response when someone rejects them. There most certainly will be a level of retaliation. They will use their skill to show others why that person is not worthy of love.

Remember this: When distancing yourself from a controlling relationship, be sure that you do so wisely and in a way that does not put you in harm. Reach out for help and support.

9- Manipulators Often seem very supportive of your choices. (But there is a catch.)

Surprisingly, one of the most common ways that manipulators manipulate is to convince people that a choice was their choice all along. 

A manipulator *masters* the ability to make decisions for other people before the other person even realizes there was a choice.

Manipulators can be some of the most supportive friends in the world... as long as you choose what they want you to choose.

A manipulator struggles when they feel out of control; even a simple change of course that they didn't see coming can cause them stress. 

Remember this: In a healthy relationship a true friend will support you to make your own choices. Even if they disagree with you, they should not try to control you..

10- The one thing that will GET a person to stop MANIPULATING

There is one thing and one thing only that can stop a person from manipulating other people.

They have to decide for THEMSELVES to stop.

No amount of vulnerability, begging, hoping, pleading can get a person to live an honest life. The only person who can choose to do so is them. It is hard to live an open and honest life and it is beyond scary to live vulnerably. Many people will never choose to do so. Many will forever use the buffer of presentation to protect themselves from rejection. 

And then, of course, there are those people who love the game of it all. They are not interested in experiencing real love, they just want control.

Remember this: Unfortunately, a manipulator has to be ready to do this for themselves. 

So what made me realize that manipulation was not how I wanted to live?

Simple.

I experienced love.

Real love.

With honesty, vulnerability, kindness, care, and respect. I slowly realized how incapable of love I was. I had used manipulation on some level in almost every relationship that I had. I began to take the journey of learning how to have healthy relationships. Relationships where I respect others’ right to make choices for themselves and I trust my friends enough to be honest about who I am.

I had to come face to face with the shame of my imperfections.

 I chose to embrace that other people’s choices were (or at least should be) out of my control, and I had to learn to confront the fear that people I love may leave me if/when I fail.

I had to learn to accept the broken, insecure, vulnerable, amazing person that I am.

Letting go of my skill to manipulate is maybe one of the proudest things I have done in my life. It has opened up my life to experiencing the kind of love that I have always longed for and always hoped to find. 

I can be me.

But most importantly I can support you to be you.

With no strings attached.

Much love and many blessings.

-Haley

I Betrayed Her... Now What?

What do you do when you fail someone that you love?

I could not turn back time.

I could not make it right.

I could not justify my actions or explain my failure.

It was what it was.

Betrayal.

I have a handful of moments that have shaped me as a person. This being one. I sat on my couch feeling quite defenseless and humble. I will never forget the moment that I was sitting in front of her.

I knew what I had to do.

I had to ask for forgiveness.

Why?

Because I had betrayed her.

My friend. That I loved.

I listened first. I agreed with everything she said. What had happened was wrong. To be honest, it was one of the only times of my life I had no justification and no explanation. No defense.

As she relived her experience it was as if her pain lived inside of each word.

I could feel her heartache within me.

And here I was.

Going to ask her for something.

Forgiveness.

It is a humbling experience to look someone in the eye and seek forgiveness. There was no reason that it should be given and no reason that it would be.

I hated that we were here, I wished that I could travel back into time and change what had happened, but I couldn’t. There was nothing left to do, but to seek mercy. This was not a mercy I had earned. No actions or words could take away the hurt.

As I listened, I understood the crossroads that we were at. She would decide if there would ever be an “us” again. The ball was in her court.

She had to decide if I was worth the risk.

I listened to her. She listened to me.

And through great sorrow, she said the words...

“I forgive you.”

She looked me in the eye and told me that she loved me. She was willing to offer me her love even though I had failed her. Even now, as I recall this experience I feel moved to tears. 

This moment changed me forever.

It quite literally changed who I was.

She gave me permission to move forward. Not without regret, but with mercy. Past the choice I had made and into growing from who I was into who I wanted to be.

I will always feel a certain amount of debt towards her. She gave me mercy that I am not sure I would have been able to offer myself without her permission. 

 The pain I caused her will forever be on my list of things I regret in my life.

I know my words of repentance did not nearly carry the power that her words of forgiveness carried. I understood that her choosing those words came at a high price for her. It cost her to release me from what I deserved.

The choice she made did not end that day. Her choice caused a ripple through my life.

 Relationships can suck because people fail us and people betray us, but I want to suggest that it is in these moments that we are given the opportunity to change the world. 

because I was forgiven.

And it changed my world.

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Learning to Value Those I Disagree With

I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.

I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.

I used to feel so proud of my opinions.

When I entered into an argument it felt personal. If you rejected my opinions, you rejected me, so I defended "us" with whatever it took. I had one goal and that was to come out as the “winner”. It was very important to me that I “win”.

I used to think that my opinions and I were like two peas in a sweet little pod of "right".

I became a different person during conflict. Arguments would reveal things within me that most of the time I could hide. I didn’t have the skills to remain respectful or kind during conflict. Honestly, I felt like if you were going to challenge me, you didn’t deserve my respect or my kindness… you should know better. (Yeah, I am aware of how horrible that sounds.)

I felt like if you disagreed with me, you didn’t value me. It was no longer about the disagreement.

It was about me and my worth.

I realize now that I used to be able to disregard people’s perceptions so easily because I had a lack of understanding what opinions really were. I used to think that opinions were simple. They were simply right or wrong, good or bad. Now I realize that opinions are as complex as the people that hold them.

Our opinions are wrapped up and filtered through every single experience we have ever had. They are more than just our knowledge. Our opinions give voice to our perception.

Our opinions give voice to our history.

All of us are on a tumultuous journey to try to make sense out of life. Our opinions place words to where we stand in the world today, but tomorrow we may be standing in a new place, with new opinions. Our views are ever changing, at least I hope so.

Our opinions are a product of how we have processed our experiences. For me to expect everyone to experience life the same is silly and for me to expect everyone to process life the same is just crazy.

I may disagree with you, but I should be able to value you regardless. If I cannot value a person, merely because I disagree with them, that is a problem. A big problem.

Now looking back it makes me blush to think about some of the things that I have said in my life, but worse is the attitude with which I would say them. By far, my greatest regrets are the hurtful words that have come out of my mouth. I have said horrible things to people I love over differing opinions. How is that for love?

It is so intriguing to me that I used to hold onto my idealistic ideas stronger than I would hold on to my love.

My opinions are not nearly as important as I used to believe. I no longer believe that every opinion I have is absolutely right or absolutely noble. And I no longer put that pressure on you.

I have now learned that my opinions don't make me special. They are not what make me a wonderful person. My choice to value your voice, even if it is saying something different than mine and my choice to listen to you, hear you and attempt to understand you, are what make me special.

My choice to place high worth on humanity is what makes me a wonderful person.

For me to say your opinions don’t matter is for me to say your experiences don’t matter, and if your experiences don’t matter than your life doesn’t matter. I’m no longer willing to say that. I will, with resolution, respect life.

Perhaps that is the key to why we all fight so hard for our opinions. We are not necessarily fighting for our views, we are fighting to say that our experiences matter, but ultimately we are fighting to say that our lives matter.

While I may not agree with your opinion. I can place value on the life that it has taken you to accumulate them.

Because your life matters… a lot.

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When Others "Cause" My Problems

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When I have frustrations in my life, my first instinct is to look around and find the source of my frustration. This usually ends in me finding the person responsible. Someone must be at fault, right? (And it isn’t me.) I then put my frustration on that person, whether in secret or to their face.

Only recently have I realized how truly unproductive this process actually is. This way of handling things is focused primarily on one thing and that is…

blame.

You see, I don’t like to be frustrated. I don’t like it if things don’t go the way that I thought they would or should. I don’t like it if someone is mean to me or rude to me. I don’t like it when people disappoint me. And I don’t like it when I feel that I have been “wronged”.

“They made me mad.”

“They hurt my feelings.”

“They made me frustrated.”

If only they would change, I wouldn’t have these problems because... well... 

they are the problem.

I’m sure some of you are thinking… "Gosh, this girl has issues." (Which is totally true.)

I naturally think I am right all the time. I understand myself and my opinions make sense to me. It is not natural for me to question my emotions.

But what if my frustration wasn’t all about them?

What if the reason I was mad had more to do with my history than our present? What if the reason that I was so hurt had more to do with my insecurities than their actions? What if I was so frustrated because somewhere within myself is a child that believes I should get everything I want when I want it?

When we are feeling upset, instead of placing blame on someone else, we should sit down in front of the mirror and look at the reflection in front of us. We should not avoid this person. We should try to understand this person.

This person matters.

Our most frustrated, broken moments often reveal the most precious, vulnerable, interesting, and difficult things about ourselves.

It is vital that we look at ourselves during the times that we feel upset. If we don't, we will miss out on so many opportunities to learn who we are.

Many times, my feelings have little to do with the current situation I am in, and I find myself surprised by what is really upsetting me. It is often my undealt with hurt from a situation in my past. I can be surprised by my hate, anger, hurts, emotions, opinions, and frustration. Instead of making it all about them, I now ask, “What does this say about me?”

I learn more about myself when I am upset than I ever could when I am not.

My life is no longer a battle to prove to anyone that I am right. Being right is no longer my goal. My goal now is to be in peace. I am now living my life to grow, to heal, and to change. I am living this life to learn.

I am no longer scared of my brokenness. I no longer run from it. I embrace it. I want to know who I am, I want to know why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I do. I am getting to know myself, in all of my strength and all of my weakness.

My frustrations in life are no longer a “problem”.

They are an opportunity.

Next time you find yourself upset, hurt or angry. I invite you to do something that feels really wrong. I invite you to pause. I invite you to resist the urge to blame others for your emotions. I invite you to get to know yourself in a new way. I invite you to learn.

I invite you, my friend, to heal.

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I Am Insecure: Part One {Find Your Person}

Most of us think of people as being secure or insecure. I don’t believe that some people are secure and some people are insecure. I believe that we are ALL, both, insecure and secure. It just depends on the moment.

I am insecure. I am unsure. I doubt who I am, what I do and what I say. I feel like I get it wrong too often. I fall short more than I would like.

I am insecure.

No, not at this moment. At this moment, I am fine. I am confident. At this moment, I am secure, but maybe not the next or the one after that.

Today, I want to tell you that it is ok to have areas within yourself that are insecure. We are not perfect and that’s ok. I am a work in progress and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

I don’t believe we should necessarily embrace our insecurities, and I don’t believe we should deny them either. I do believe we should accept them.

Only when we accept that we are a work in progress, will we begin to make progress.

For the next four weeks, I am going to challenge each one of us to look at ourselves and accept our insecurities. We will take risks and as we do, we will heal.

Week One

 “Find yOUR pERSON”

Our insecurities often keep us isolated.  We all have ugliness inside of us, and many of us spend our lives trying to hide it. Not because we are malicious or liars, but because we want to be loved.

Many of us fear that people will figure out that we have MAJOR shit and leave us, which is very scary.

How do we combat this fear? Simple. We tell people (not everyone, but “our people”) about our shit. You see, if we tell people about our shit, we don’t have to be scared that they will find out (because we have already told them).

Your challenge for this week is to find at least one person that you would be willing to share your “ugly” with. Over the next few weeks, you will be talking to this person about the things you are learning about yourself. This person will encourage you. They will not shame you for being a work in progress. (Don’t know what to say? No worries. Have them read this and then say, “Will you be my person?”)

This is a vital, most important, extremely essential step to growing in our security. As we discover things about ourselves, we will need support. Trust me.

You may have one person or maybe you have three. We are looking for quality, here, over quantity. This could be your mom, your boyfriend, your wife, your aunt, your dad, your husband, a sibling, your counselor or a friend.

Some of you instantly know who “your people” are, and for some of you this will be a challenge. Think it through, but I hope you can think of at least one person.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not choose someone just because they “should” be a safe place for you. Unfortunately, there are people that cannot be trusted with our insecurities. Who has shown that they are there for you? Think about it this way, if something horrible happened to you today, who would be the first person you would call? This will be someone who gives you comfort, peace and guidance.)

When we doubt who we are, we need someone there to remind us that we have great value, that even when we fail we are worthy of love. The people who love us can help guide us. They can show us love when we can’t show it to ourselves.

“Our people” are our team, our tribe, they are our warriors. They will fight with us, stand with us, lift us up and cheer us on. They will be with us and help us as we transform our “ugly” into beauty. They know we are awesome, believe in our potential and see that we are growing each day.

None of us want to fail, but we will. I know it sounds crazy, but I suggest that we invite “our people” into our failure. I am suggesting that we make ourselves vulnerable. It is scary to be vulnerable, but we must.

Let’s face our fears of rejection and failure and tell them they don’t control us. That’s right, over the next four weeks, we are going to face our fears, and all the while we are going to give our fears the middle finger. (Insert middle finger emoji.)

Let’s not live our life isolated merely because our fears intimidate us.  Let’s turn the tables, choose freedom and cause our fears to be intimidated by us.

Click here for week two of our challenge!

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My Husband Is Not the Enemy

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In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them.

“Marriage is hard,” they said and “it takes a lot of work”.

Ok?

 That seemed fairly straightforward.

Before I was married and someone told me this, I thought of marriage as a challenge. The odds were against us, but if we just stayed focused and worked hard, we would win.

Marriage is hard, yes, but I don’t think “hard” is the best description of marriage.

I think a better word for marriage is confusing.

Sure, during the difficult days, it can be hard to do the right thing. But, more often than that, I think the hard thing is figuring out what is the "right thing".

Do I stand up for myself? Do I need to let this go? Do I just lie and say that I am fine? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Am I over-reacting? Am I under-reacting? Is this normal? Do all spouses feel like this? Are we the only marriage going through this?

It can all be very unclear.

When we said our vows, we pledged to be on one another’s team, always and forever. It seemed so simple. I knew the world would bring difficulties, but I never thought I would question if Carter was for me or against me. We vowed to fight this fight together, but I didn’t anticipate how natural it would be to end up on opposite sides of the ring.

During difficult times, it is so easy to feel hurt and let down when our partner hasn’t stepped up in ways that we hoped they would. We thought they would be there to support us, protect us and care for us, but they weren’t. Most surprising, are the times when our spouse has not only disappointed us, but they have been the one’s to deliver the painful punch to our gut.

When we feel hurt by one another, it is natural to go on the defensive and start jabbing at one another. We know we shouldn’t, but it is easy not to care. We want to win and we want them to pay for hurting us. When we fight against one another, we both end up bloody and defeated. No one wins.

I wish someone would’ve told me that there would be moments that I wasn’t sure if Carter was for me or against me.

I wish someone would’ve told me that I would feel confused in my marriage.

I wish someone would’ve told me that I would doubt him and at times, I would doubt “us”.

There are an unlimited amount of things in this life that cause stress in a marriage, but I am convinced that nothing has the ability to tear us apart unless we begin to view one another as the enemy.  If we want to make it through life with our marriage intact, the greatest challenge and utmost priority is to continually choose to be on one another’s team.

Marriage isn’t just about experiencing love. Marriage is about experiencing life and experiencing it all with a partner by your side. Carter is my person. He is the one I chose almost fifteen years ago and have continued to do so repeatedly.

So yes, marriage is hard, but the hardest part of marriage is how exhausting it can feel to make the same choice over and over…the choice to choose one another.  

Some days that choice is easy, and some days that choice is hard, but every day that choice is worth it.

I Wasn't Lucky to Fall in Love

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I love Carter more today than ever before, this is our fifteenth Valentine’s Day together and I still get excited to spend it with him. Our life together has been an adventure. We have traveled the world, had three children and are planning more, we laugh often, value one another, we have accomplished many of our dreams and have many more on the list! Life together is exciting.

People sometimes say how lucky we are to have such a great relationship. In one sense I understand that they are saying we are fortunate and blessed (which we are), but luck has nothing to do with the relationship that we have.

Carter asked me to be his girlfriend at fourteen, FOURTEEN!

We dated all through high school, we got serious and began to make choices to invest in our relationship. We missed out on a lot of things in high school because of our relationship. We got married at nineteen. I shouldn’t have to tell anyone that getting married at nineteen comes with a lot of sacrifices. I worked full time, so that Carter could finish his Accounting degree, which he did. Most days we were doing boring, married things while our friends were living it up at their universities. After graduating, Carter had a very stressful job which was a difficult time for us both.  Five years after we got married we started having children, which was wonderful, but also required us to work harder on keeping our relationship connected. Later, we decided it would be a good time for him to take his CPA, which meant me handling the home more on my own as he studied and took tests over several months.

For the majority of moments in our relationship we do feel love for one another. Most moments are peaceful and joyous, but we also have moments where we feel anger, heartbreak, disappointment, betrayal, annoyance, inadequacy, frustration or a hundred other feelings that don’t feel like love.

The problem with believing that love is a feeling is that you will think that love has left you when the feeling leaves you.

Love isn’t a feeling. Love is a choice.

The last fifteen years have been filled with both of us sacrificing for and investing in one another. Fifteen years… and you know what?  I see no end in sight. We will never come to a place that our relationship doesn’t take effort and focus. Ever.

Tomorrow if I wake up and decide to stop investing in us, there probably wouldn’t be an “us” by next Valentine’s Day.

We must get it out of our head that perfection is on the other side of marriage. Perfection is not on the other side of marriage, but investment is.

Finding love is great, but finding love doesn’t equal staying in love.

Long lasting love is not found.

it is learned

and it is chosen, over and over.

Carter and I have had a lot of great, easy and fun times in our life together, but when I look back at our journey, some of the most precious moments are the ones that weren’t the most enjoyable. I am most proud of the moments that we have looked into one another’s eyes and worked through a disagreement. I value the times that we have swallowed our pride and chosen to prioritize the other. I cherish the times we have discussed our greatest fears or our greatest regrets. I treasure the times that we have chose to listen, even when it hurts and we have forgiven, even when we didn’t want to.

Don’t believe the lie that you fall under the spell of love.

love isn’t a magical force, it is a deliberate choice.