REDEMPTION UNVEILED
If You Need to Judge Me Then Do What You Must
I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.
If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too...
I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.
If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too.
You don’t know what I’ve been through. You do not understand why I am who I am. You don’t know what my journey has cost me. You don’t know the tears that I’ve cried or the fears that I’ve fought. You don’t understand all the times that I have chosen to grow and I have chosen to learn.
I used to feel so afraid of you and your disapproval.
It used to take my breath away and choke me as if it could kill me. I used to do things for you… so that you would approve of me… so that you would love me.
And then I stopped.
I had to.
I realized that even with the best of trying I couldn’t make you happy. I couldn’t be everything you wanted me to be.
I had to stop running after you and the disappearing vapors of your approval because I realized in the chase for your endorsement I was losing myself.
I believe you want the best for me and you feel you know what that is. Thank you, but it seems that you are incapable of loving me without very specific requirements of who I must be. Thanks for the offer, but I am gonna have to say “no thanks”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “no thanks” to you. I am saying “no thanks” to the burden of your expectations.
I would love for you to be a part of my journey, but I will not base my life choices on the critical words that I hear from you. I will not base my value on your sliding scale of interpretation.
I say that without hate or malice. I mean you no disrespect. I value you, but I can see clearly that you struggle to do the same for me.
So I release you.
I no longer need you to approve of me. I no longer need you to validate my worth.
Why?
Because I have found it for myself.
I know you feel it is your job to measure my performance and my worth, but I assure you, it is not.
I release you from loving me in a way that you are unable to. I will no longer expect you to understand my heart.
I will no longer expect you to trust my intent.
I will move forward with the understanding that at least for now, you are unable to love me without conditions. I will choose to love you right where you are despite your inability to do the same for me.
And that’s ok.
I have grace for you to be where you are. I give you grace not because of who you are, but because of who I am, because of the journey that I have taken…
the very journey that you fail to understand.
-Haley
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Learning to Value Those I Disagree With
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions. That was then...
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions.
When I entered into an argument it felt personal. If you rejected my opinions, you rejected me, so I defended "us" with whatever it took. I had one goal and that was to come out as the “winner”. It was very important to me that I “win”.
I used to think that my opinions and I were like two peas in a sweet little pod of "right".
I became a different person during conflict. Arguments would reveal things within me that most of the time I could hide. I didn’t have the skills to remain respectful or kind during conflict. Honestly, I felt like if you were going to challenge me, you didn’t deserve my respect or my kindness… you should know better. (Yeah, I am aware of how horrible that sounds.)
I felt like if you disagreed with me, you didn’t value me. It was no longer about the disagreement.
It was about me and my worth.
I realize now that I used to be able to disregard people’s perceptions so easily because I had a lack of understanding what opinions really were. I used to think that opinions were simple. They were simply right or wrong, good or bad. Now I realize that opinions are as complex as the people that hold them.
Our opinions are wrapped up and filtered through every single experience we have ever had. They are more than just our knowledge. Our opinions give voice to our perception.
Our opinions give voice to our history.
All of us are on a tumultuous journey to try to make sense out of life. Our opinions place words to where we stand in the world today, but tomorrow we may be standing in a new place, with new opinions. Our views are ever changing, at least I hope so.
Our opinions are a product of how we have processed our experiences. For me to expect everyone to experience life the same is silly and for me to expect everyone to process life the same is just crazy.
I may disagree with you, but I should be able to value you regardless. If I cannot value a person, merely because I disagree with them, that is a problem. A big problem.
Now looking back it makes me blush to think about some of the things that I have said in my life, but worse is the attitude with which I would say them. By far, my greatest regrets are the hurtful words that have come out of my mouth. I have said horrible things to people I love over differing opinions. How is that for love?
It is so intriguing to me that I used to hold onto my idealistic ideas stronger than I would hold on to my love.
My opinions are not nearly as important as I used to believe. I no longer believe that every opinion I have is absolutely right or absolutely noble. And I no longer put that pressure on you.
I have now learned that my opinions don't make me special. They are not what make me a wonderful person. My choice to value your voice, even if it is saying something different than mine and my choice to listen to you, hear you and attempt to understand you, are what make me special.
My choice to place high worth on humanity is what makes me a wonderful person.
For me to say your opinions don’t matter is for me to say your experiences don’t matter, and if your experiences don’t matter than your life doesn’t matter. I’m no longer willing to say that. I will, with resolution, respect life.
Perhaps that is the key to why we all fight so hard for our opinions. We are not necessarily fighting for our views, we are fighting to say that our experiences matter, but ultimately we are fighting to say that our lives matter.
While I may not agree with your opinion. I can place value on the life that it has taken you to accumulate them.
Because your life matters… a lot.
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When Being Me Feels Like It's Not Enough
From early on in life, we are compared to one another. It is amazing how we naturally begin to measure our value by the people around us.
Growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of very successful people, some of which were my sisters. I have four sisters and two sister-in-laws. They are all gorgeous and extremely talented. Through the years, my sisters have accomplished many wonderful things that I have not...
From early on in life, we are compared to one another. It is amazing how we naturally begin to measure our value by the people around us.
Growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of very successful people, some of which were my sisters. I have four sisters and two sister-in-laws. They are all gorgeous and extremely talented. Through the years, my sisters have accomplished many wonderful things that I have not.
My older sister, Hannah, was very good at track in high school. She even medaled at state. Both she and my sister, Ivy, were the student body presidents. Ivy ran track in college. She achieved a 4.0 GPA all the way through graduating and is now finishing up her masters. Chloe played basketball, received the 1,000 career point’s award, and made the All-District team. She made All-District, All-Conference, and All-Region for volleyball, and received a scholarship to play in college. My brother’s wife, Sara, high-jumped and placed nationally on the collegiate level. Carter’s sister, Kristina, is a breathtaking dancer. She started dancing at the age of four, completed a degree in Dance Performance, and continues to teach and choreograph. My youngest sister, Haven, is on the Paralympic emerging swim team and hopes to attend the 2020 Paralympics in Tokyo.
Having a bunch of ridiculously talented sisters gave me a lot of opportunities to feel insecure. I had to choose how I was going to view their success.
Was I going to measure my value based on my performance compared to theirs?
Truth is, it is all too easy to try to prove our worth by achieving more; however, measuring ourselves by other people’s accomplishments is problematic. We were never meant to be measured by the bar of their potential. The potential inside of them is completely different than the potential inside of me. It’s not greater or less than, just different.
When we aren’t confident in who we are, it can suck to watch other people succeed. It can make us feel ashamed and like we have failed to measure up. We may appear confident, but we are actually struggling with our value internally.
I decided to embrace the fact that my life was going to look different than all of my sisters. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have accomplished all the things they did because I realized that I wasn’t capable of doing what they could. I cannot do what everyone else can. I just can’t. I can do some things really well, but I suck at a whole lot of other things, and that’s ok.
Turns out I can’t be anyone else but me. But, I can be me pretty damn well.
We all have to make a choice in our lives to embrace who we are and what we have. We can spend our lives trying to prove to the world that we are just as good as everyone else, but any moment spent trying to prove our value is a moment wasted. If we are trying to prove our value, that means we, ourselves, don’t know our worth.
Our value doesn’t need to be proven, it just needs to be discovered.
It is ok if you have failed to accomplish the same things as those around you. It’s not just ok, it’s expected. You are you and they are them. Let’s realize the beauty of that. Our differences should not bring shame, but pride. It isn’t in the things we all have in common, but our uniqueness, that will bring change to this world.
If we cannot learn the beauty of our differences, we will spend our life trying to be something we aren’t. Let’s be determined to embrace ourselves, quirkiness and all.
