Are You Being Taken Advantage Of? Here’s the Solution.

Have you ever felt taken advantage of? I’m not talking about being lied to or stolen from, I’m talking about situations when we helped someone out and felt they expected more than they should or they seemed ungrateful for how much we did for them.

Whether by a friend, family member, spouse, or coworker, most of us have felt like we have been taken advantage of at one point or another. These situations can be quite frustrating to experience, but I have discovered the solution.

Time and time again, I have realized being taken advantage of is simply a need for two things:

boundaries

and

communication.

It is an opportunity for us to use our words and set appropriate boundaries.

But let’s be clear, If we offer to help someone out, we should do so without the expectation they will pay you back for it. If we expect them to pay us back, we must be clear from the start of our expectations.

We should never expect payment for our kindness.

If we are expecting something in return we need to understand this is not a gift.

This is a debt.

Secondly, we need to understand how situations change. Maybe we offered to help someone out by babysitting, paying a bill, house sitting, helping them at work, assisting them financially, or any other assistance, and when we agreed, we were happy to help.

We offered our assistance with a pure heart, no strings attached, but then, at some point something changed. Our once kind offer changed into something we resent the person for.

We need to understand this does not necessarily mean this person has done anything wrong. It simply means that it is time for us to have a conversation about the agreement moving forward.

It is time to set a boundary.

Unfortunately, many people really suck at having conversations and setting new boundaries. This is a vital skill we all need to learn if we don’t want to feel taken advantage of.

You see, it is simple to never be taken advantage of again:

First, don’t expect payment for helping someone out.

Second, whenever someone is expecting you to give more than you are willing to give, reassess the agreement and have a conversation.

Lastly, don’t help if you aren’t actually wanting to help.

It really is as simple as that.

As humans, we like to blame people. We like for our problems to be other people’s fault. Sometimes our problems are caused by other people; however, when it comes to being taken advantage of this is not the problem of someone else. If we have been taken advantage of there is only one person to blame.

Ourselves.

Because we were unwilling to say “no” or “not anymore”.

I invite you to never feel taken advantage of again. I invite you to say these words,

“No, I will not do that for you.”

You see my friends, we hold the key to so many of our frustrations and annoyances in life, the question is will we do anything about it?

How to Deal with Angry People

I used to think people were pretty simple. I thought we all wanted to get along and be happy, but sometimes life simply got in the way. As I have gotten older, I realize that may be true for me, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Not everyone feels the need to live peacefully.

I am now convinced, some people actually enjoy creating chaos particularly during times they feel chaos inside of themselves.

Some people crave the tension.

They relish the push back.

They enjoy the storm.

They aren’t scared for things to get messy.

Yelling can be fun.

Screaming, no problem.

They are great at making sense of their arguments and justifying everything they do or say… no matter how absurd. You might even find them switch sides or topics in the middle of an argument which can become quite confusing to engage with.

That is because the topic at hand is not the point.

The conflict is.

There is a sense of comfort found for them in the storm.

Even though they may look out of control, they feel powerful during these moments of chaos. It feels calming when the situations and people around them match the turmoil they feel within themselves.

If you are in relationship with someone who has anger issues, they will try to start fights with you when they are feeling stressed. If they can get you to explode, it validates they are not the only ones who can’t control themselves. If you choose not to, this will no doubt make them angry perhaps even angrier than if you engage.

Many people with anger issues have the ability to get over an argument quickly and expect others to as well.

They don’t understand why people hold on to the things that were said in anger because they no longer feel the tension within themselves.

They feel better after they explode, no matter the destruction that is left behind.

They find injustice in many places, including work, friends, and family and you will be expected to agree with them.

They want you to validate their experiences, their perceptions, their emotions, and ultimately their anger. They believe how they feel is very important, so if you do not support them in their feelings they will not feel loved and you will quickly find yourself as a target.

They don’t enjoy being viewed as a victim because that makes them feel weak. However, much of their mindset is based upon the belief they are often mistreated. After an argument, they will commonly convince people to feel sorry for them.

People do not choose behavior repeatedly unless it works for them on some level.

When someone has embraced anger as an outlet they essentially use it as a release to cope with frustrations in life.

If you have someone in your life that has anger tendencies, you cannot change them. You cannot talk them out of their anger or “manage” their emotions for them. You need to understand that ultimately, they are the only one who can change how they handle the chaos inside of themselves.

They get to make their choices. Just like you get to make yours.

Anyone can change.

Anyone can grow.

Anyone can heal.

But it is important to remember, the only people changing, growing, or healing, are the people acknowledging they need to.

Blessings,

Haley

Is This a Time for Rage?

I just finished reading a nationally circulated article that told me that “this is a time for rage”. It was speaking on some of the recent events of the political landscape and the current sexual investigations that are taking place.

I am no stranger to the current world we live in and it is no great surprise for me to see rage, but this was something new. This was the first time that I had actually seen a writer not just speak in a state of rage, but recommend it as the best option as we move through these difficult situations.

I could not believe it.

Really? That is the best that we have?

With all of the tools, emotions and communication styles we have access to we are going to select our rage?

Is that what people really think?

That rage is going to get us through?

Rage is our savior?

Not for me.

I don’t have faith in my rage.

Rage is an emotion, it is not a solution.

When we feel enraged, we feel like we have a purpose. We see the path ahead and we have no doubt that we can conquer it. It makes us feel brave and important.

Our rage makes us feel powerful.

Our rage is an understandable emotion that arises as we journey through some of these difficult experiences, it makes us feel like we are seeing crystal clear, but it actually blinds us. We are unable to see anything else but our emotion and our perception. When we feel rage we are often incapable of listening well and uninterested in learning because we demand to be heard.

I do understand that rage can be quite productive. It can be a great influencer, communicator and motivator to get people in action, but let’s be clear, the action that rage will spark is not one that will bring beauty to this world.

While rage is easy to grow, it is not easily controlled and the more it spreads the harder it is to keep in check.

Rage is loyal to itself and not even the cause at hand.

Rage is not a superhuman power to get things done. It is an ineffective strategy for creating positive change.

We have leaders instructing their followers to take up anger as a tool to solve our problems.

Umm… no thanks.

Rage can ignite fiery passion and can cause intimidation, but is this really going to give us what we want? Is this going to create the environment that we want our children to grow up in?

If encouraged, our rage will produce hate, intolerance, and violence.

Rage has no peace to offer us.

Rage has no answers for us.

Rage is not the solution.

Being unable to control our temper is not our strength, this my friends is actually part of the problem. Rage may have to be a part of all of this, but to credit it as our strength would be a mistake.

Our bitterness, our rage, and our anger will never heal us or create peace in this world. The healing that we find after our rage will.

We will heal this problem by sharing and listening to the experiences that have occurred. We will heal as the stories of darkness get brought to the light. We will heal as people who have found healing share the way. We will heal in our understanding. We will heal as we connect and support one another. We will heal as we become equipped. We will heal as we forgive.

We will heal as we speak to our youth and educate them on these things that have gone unspoken in generations past.

We will heal as we teach people to do better.

We will begin to heal as we better understand the mindsets that have let these actions take place repeatedly while staying in the dark generationally.

We will not heal because of our rage. We will heal despite it.

We need to do better.

Not just with our sexual misbehaviors, but with our response to them as well. We must find a different way to navigate these difficult experiences.

Rage may be a step along the journey, but should not be the destination. Make no mistake about it, we want to keep moving forward.

We want a better world for every woman and every man. We want a better world for our children.

If we want better, then we all must do better.

Our culture needs an answer to this problem and I am sure that rage is not that answer.

No matter how we feel, our rage is not actually effective for us to get what we want.

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Feeling Betrayed by God

I was twenty-two years old the first time that I felt betrayed by God. Up until that point, I had heard other people talk about being betrayed by Him, but not me. I had known and worshiped my God since the beginning of my life and I never knew him to be anything but kind, trustworthy, and reliable. I had no reason to doubt him, but that changed in the spring of 2009 when something very bad happened to someone I love.

During this time, I remember being at my parents’ house, listening to a Christian teacher that had come into town. She was teaching on the faithfulness and goodness of God. I will never forget sitting in the corner, tears in my eyes, unable to listen to her fully because I was completely entangled in my anger.  Sure, a couple of weeks before I would’ve wholeheartedly agreed with everything she said, but not now. I couldn’t.

God had always been my safe place of refuge and now he felt like my ultimate betrayer. I wasn’t sure what our future together would hold and I was in shock.

I felt like a fool.

I felt betrayed.

I was filled with questions and wanted answers. I began to have some pretty blunt words with God about what in the world He was doing up there on that throne of His.

Through the following weeks, months, and years, I have found answers to my questions. Surprisingly, as I sought to hold God accountable, I found that my beliefs turned out to be partially to blame for my feelings of being betrayed.

Here are five misunderstandings that led me to blame my heartache on God.

1- I had a misunderstanding of pain.

Pain used to be my enemy. I constantly tried to avoid it. I had actually dedicated pain as something evil because I hated it so much.

What if I had it all wrong? What if this life wasn’t about avoiding pain?

There can be such purpose in our pain.

Our pain allows us to grow. Our pain offers us an opportunity to change. Our pain allows us to fight for what we believe. Our pain allows us to see inaccurate beliefs that we have about our self, others, or our God. 

God does not mind pain. I do not believe that He enjoys watching people suffer, but He does understand that sometimes to experience great healing it will feel like great pain.

If we want to live our life to the fullest, we must understand that some pain has a purpose. We must not run from our pain. We must face it and process it until it doesn’t have power anymore.

2- I believed that God could/should control people.

God loves free will. Free will means that there will be situations where people make the wrong choice. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes mistakenly, and sometimes because they choose evil.

God does not control me. God doesn’t control you.

I am given the opportunity to have him a part of my life or I can choose not to. I am not forced onto the path that He desires me to take and no one else is either.

To give God credit for the bad things that people do is utterly unfair.

3- I didn’t think I should have to go through hardship.

Truth is, I trusted him to keep me safe. I trusted him to keep them safe. That was the deal, right? I worship God and He offers me some level of protection from the bad things in this life, right? That was the agreement?

Or not?

Simply put, I had a warped view that my faith would protect me from difficulty.

My faith was never designed to remove difficulty from my life. My faith was designed to equip me to flourish during difficulty.

If we believe that our faith is supposed to make us invisible to hardship, we will never enter into the battles that we were designed to conquer. Don’t avoid hardship. Avoiding hardship will steal so much from us because there is much hardship on the path to victory.

4- I didn’t understand God’s love.

This was the biggest lesson that I learned. God loves me and God loves each person that was involved in my betrayal. There is no exception to this. There is nothing that can be done to remove his love. 

God loves.

Period.

I know this sounds like a really great thing, but to be honest, this was hard for me. I was always taught that God loves us unconditionally; however, deep down, I felt like He loved those who obeyed him more. 

I had to learn how to respect the fact that God loves the people that hurt me and that God gives grace to the people who betray me. This was a long journey for me, but ultimately one of the best lessons of my life. 

5- I did not understand God’s ability to redeem.

Because I had never endured such betrayal, I didn’t understand God’s redemption. I did not know that God can heal all things. I didn’t understand that He can actually bring me and everyone involved to complete healing and NOT just as we were before, but even better!

Our God is the greatest writer of success stories. No matter what despair has come our way, God has a path to heal it all.

The greatest sorrow gives way for the best redemption.

It took some time to get answers to all of my questions, but after it was all over I had learned a lot.

Life is hard. Situations can be utterly disappointing and heartbreaking. People will fail us.

But through it all, God is good.



I’m Offended {And I’m Missing the Point}

In recent weeks, I have been obsessing over the experience of being offended. I’ve been studying it. Listening. Watching. Questioning.

Offense is beyond interesting.

Offense feels like passion.

It feels righteous.

It feels justified.

Being offended makes us feel powerful and productive. When we get offended, it feels very important. It almost feels as if we are getting something accomplished. Which is quite intriguing.

Offense happens when someone disrespects us, devalues us, or disagrees with us.

We also take offense when someone does not respect our pain or validate a loss that we have experienced.

When we are offended, we feel justified to say, feel, or do, whatever we want.

Free pass.

Perhaps we don’t say whatever we want to the person, but we will undoubtedly find someone to express our outrage.  We want to be told that we are right in everything that we feel and justified in everything that we said.

Our offense keeps us laser focused on them and their failure. It frees us of any responsibility to own our reactions, emotions or perceptions.

Being offended is centered on the priority to blame them for everything, including the emotions that have risen within us.

When we are offended, grace and compassion are not necessary. We are not looking for a different perspective. We are looking for validation. We want every emotion that we feel to be respected.

Being offended feels powerful, but it’s not. It is actually void of power. We are not valiant. We are emotional.

It is not hard to follow our emotions. It is hard to challenge them.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about changing viewpoints to what the opposing side is saying. I am talking about taking responsibility for the extreme passion, anger or hurt that we allow to go unchecked and unresolved.

We must take responsibility for ourselves.

Our emotions. Our words. Our actions.

We must own them. We should prioritize understanding them. We should be dedicated to maturing them.

Being offended feels productive, but it is only truly productive if we use the experience as an opportunity to grow.

There is so much to learn about ourselves when we are offended.

Why do we feel the way we feel? Why are we so upset? Why are we unable to disagree respectfully? Why did what they said bother or hurt us so much? Why is it important that they agree with us?

Next time we find ourselves offended let’s try to resist the urge to blame.

Next time, let’s embrace the opportunity to grow.

Surprising enough, our job in this life is not to change them.

It is to grow ourselves.

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It’s Ok to Make Mistakes {But Not Really}

“It’s ok to make mistakes.”

This is something I have heard since I was a kid. As I have gotten older, I have become increasingly aware of how untrue this statement is.

When is the last time that you made a mistake? A real mistake. How was it handled? Were you given grace for your mistake? Shame? Consequence? Punishment? Retribution?

More often than not, I have seen people pay for the mistakes they have made. We don’t act like it is just “ok” to make a mistake. Small or large we like people to be held accountable for their missteps.

We like things to make sense and people paying for their mistakes makes sense.

There was a time in my life I became a little bit obsessed with trying not to make a mistake. Let’s say this a bit differently…

There was a time in my life that I tried to be perfect.

And I failed.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be perfect. (Big surprise.)

The more I tried not to make a mistake, the more aware I became of my mistakes, and the more I obsessed over them. I had no ability to offer myself grace because I felt so aware of my inadequacy. I felt like a failure.

My life became quite miserable.

I just didn’t know how to make mistakes and be ok with it. I did not have the skill to fail well. To be honest, I am still learning how to fail appropriately.

It is hard for me to feel it is simply “ok” to make a mistake. It doesn’t feel ok.

I often replay the experience over and over in my head. Each time a fresh wave of shame is there to make my face feel warm and shoulders feel tight. I do not like to say things I shouldn’t have said and do things I shouldn’t have done.

 I do not like to get things wrong. I like to get things right.

However, it seems that my mistakes are a part of my life that I am unable to remove. Maybe that is the point?

Maybe this life should be less about trying to strive for perfection and more about living in grace.

Abundant grace made available for any mistake that has been and that is yet to come. Grace for the mistakes and grace for the failures. Grace for others and grace for ourselves.

Instead of attempting to live in a façade of perfection, I will choose to embrace the messy reality of who I am. I own the fact that I am not perfect and I never will be. I embrace it and I will choose to be kind to myself as I do my best in this life.

I can guarantee that I will not do it perfectly, but that’s ok because…

“It’s ok to make mistakes.”

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Letting Life’s Problems Change Me… For the Better

Recently, I was talking to a friend and mentioned to her that I am always looking to change. I hope to be a very different person in a year than I am today.

I said it without thinking a thing about it until she stopped me and asked,

“You want to change?”

Do you ever say things and not think about them until someone calls you out for saying it? I do all of the time. I thought about it for a minute and realized that I whole-heartedly believed and agreed with the statement I made.

I want to change.

 I want to constantly be growing, learning and becoming something more amazing than I was before.

This is a far cry from the way I used to live. Actually, it is a complete 180. I used to feel so attached to who I was. I didn’t want to change. In fact, the mere thought of it made me feel insecure. Heaven forbid, someone suggest it.

I was so utterly afraid of needing improvement that it kept me from growing.

This mindset kept me stuck. But not anymore.

I am now dedicated to learning who I am and facing it. Brokenness and all.

Everything in my life is now an opportunity for me to grow. I am learning to maneuver through my perceptions that have kept me from growing in the past

I now view conflict as an opportunity to learn about my brokenness instead of merely accusing the other person of being all of the problem.

I have learned to listen to the things that I say about other people when I am frustrated. I have realized that often times what comes out of my mouth says more about me than it says about them.

I no longer blame my unhappiness or frustrations on anyone else. I have chosen to take ownership and responsibility for my life.

I have embraced the very real fact that sometimes I am just flat wrong.

I give more grace, not just to others, but to myself.

 I allow my circumstances to grow me. I am embracing the true journey of this life. Not just a journey to my next achievement, but the journey of discovering who I am capable of being.

I am finding redemption.

I understand that I am beautiful, but I’ve got a lot of mess on top, around and within this beauty. I am dedicated to the process of unraveling, unveiling and redeeming this whole beautiful mess.

I want freedom and I don't want anything in this life to keep me from finding it.

Including myself.

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When Others "Cause" My Problems

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When I have frustrations in my life, my first instinct is to look around and find the source of my frustration. This usually ends in me finding the person responsible. Someone must be at fault, right? (And it isn’t me.) I then put my frustration on that person, whether in secret or to their face.

Only recently have I realized how truly unproductive this process actually is. This way of handling things is focused primarily on one thing and that is…

blame.

You see, I don’t like to be frustrated. I don’t like it if things don’t go the way that I thought they would or should. I don’t like it if someone is mean to me or rude to me. I don’t like it when people disappoint me. And I don’t like it when I feel that I have been “wronged”.

“They made me mad.”

“They hurt my feelings.”

“They made me frustrated.”

If only they would change, I wouldn’t have these problems because... well... 

they are the problem.

I’m sure some of you are thinking… "Gosh, this girl has issues." (Which is totally true.)

I naturally think I am right all the time. I understand myself and my opinions make sense to me. It is not natural for me to question my emotions.

But what if my frustration wasn’t all about them?

What if the reason I was mad had more to do with my history than our present? What if the reason that I was so hurt had more to do with my insecurities than their actions? What if I was so frustrated because somewhere within myself is a child that believes I should get everything I want when I want it?

When we are feeling upset, instead of placing blame on someone else, we should sit down in front of the mirror and look at the reflection in front of us. We should not avoid this person. We should try to understand this person.

This person matters.

Our most frustrated, broken moments often reveal the most precious, vulnerable, interesting, and difficult things about ourselves.

It is vital that we look at ourselves during the times that we feel upset. If we don't, we will miss out on so many opportunities to learn who we are.

Many times, my feelings have little to do with the current situation I am in, and I find myself surprised by what is really upsetting me. It is often my undealt with hurt from a situation in my past. I can be surprised by my hate, anger, hurts, emotions, opinions, and frustration. Instead of making it all about them, I now ask, “What does this say about me?”

I learn more about myself when I am upset than I ever could when I am not.

My life is no longer a battle to prove to anyone that I am right. Being right is no longer my goal. My goal now is to be in peace. I am now living my life to grow, to heal, and to change. I am living this life to learn.

I am no longer scared of my brokenness. I no longer run from it. I embrace it. I want to know who I am, I want to know why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I do. I am getting to know myself, in all of my strength and all of my weakness.

My frustrations in life are no longer a “problem”.

They are an opportunity.

Next time you find yourself upset, hurt or angry. I invite you to do something that feels really wrong. I invite you to pause. I invite you to resist the urge to blame others for your emotions. I invite you to get to know yourself in a new way. I invite you to learn.

I invite you, my friend, to heal.

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