Do You Feel Behind?

“I thought I would have accomplished more in my life by now.”

I’ve been there before. You feel like your life isn’t where it is supposed to be or like it is taking you longer to accomplish things than those around you.

God has a life that he created and promised to you. He has not forgotten you and He is ready for you to say yes to the adventures He has for you.

Our god is a god of redemption and promises

He will challenge us. We have to say yes to the hard things, the risky things, the scary things. Any time I have chased something that feels out of my reach when God has asked me to, I grow closer to Him.

Say yes to the hard things

say yes to the scary things

say yes to the risky things

God will be with you every step of the way!

Are You Too Busy?

Is it bad to be busy?

Anyone else catch themselves saying, “Uh, I’m just so busy.” Almost like being busy is automatically a bad thing? I know I can relate, but this past year, as I am looking towards our life for 2023, I have shifted my perspective on the busy life.

Are you living at full capacity that god has created you for?

Here is the thing. I believe that there is a healthy amount of busy and an unhealthy amount of busy, but we shouldn’t just assume that busy is always a bad thing.

When you are feeling busy and stretched thin, ask yourself a couple of questions to understand if you have taken on too much or you are living at the capacity that God created you for.

Do i feel fulfilled?

or

Do i feel like I am running ragged and accomplishing nothing?

What Can Separate You from the Love of God

Do you believe that nothing can separate you from God’s love?

For the most part, yes, I believe this. I do feel that there is one exception to this. The exception is ourselves. We can choose to not accept God’s love and destiny He has for us.

Nothing has the power to steal god’s destiny from you…except yourself

God is love. Because of love, we have the freedom to make our choices. We can choose to make choices that follow God’s destiny for us, or we can choose a different path.

Both paths will be filled with hardship, disappointment and unmet expectations. Only one of those paths will be filled with love, growth and fulfillment.

how do you feel about your life right now?

Do you wake up each morning feeling like you have purpose and fulfillment in your life? If not, now is a great time to choose to accept God’s love and destiny for your life.

Have You Stopped Saying Yes to God?

Are you waiting for the “perfect” time?

God invites us on adventures throughout our life. Some of these adventures we tend to think we aren’t ready for them. We wait for this false perfect opportunity, perfect timing, perfect situation before we say yes.

Are you using the fear of saying yes to god as a reason to not go on the adventure god is inviting you on?

We have to accept that things aren’t always going to be easy. We won’t always feel equipped or prepared. We will face obstacles and challenges. The beautiful thing is that the challenges and obstacles we face are what teach us more about who we are created to be.

Action brings clarity

God knows us better than we know ourselves. Let’s put action to our faith and trust that God knows what He is doing. He is inviting us on this adventure at the right time.

You Should Be Excited to Live Your Life

Do you think your life is exciting?

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you to live your life right now?

You wake up, you get ready, you go through the motions, come home and feel like it’s time to start all over again tomorrow. Life can almost feel like a broken record going around and around with no excitement. So how do we get there? How do we get off this repetitive pattern and feel excited about tomorrow?

We have to start saying YES! to God.

God is inviting us on adventures all the time. Adventures that we say no to because we are too tired, too busy, too whatever. This is our sign that we need to say yes.

We are given this one shot at life. It’s such a great gift that God created for us. Let’s stop chasing the simple, the easy, the “not so scary” life and dive into the adventure of the life that was truly created for us.

We miss the depth of our life by seeking simple and easy. God is saying, “I have more for you.”

When You Feel Hopeless in Your Marriage

Before I got married, I would often hear the phrase “marriage is hard work”. It was always said as a cautionary statement to those of us unmarried people to prepare for the difficulty that lay ahead. Whenever I heard people say this, I always assumed what they meant by the statement is that marriage is hard work because it is hard to continue to prioritize one another throughout life.

Now, I know the truth.

I have been married for 16 years and through the years, I have not only had my own experiences with marital disappointment, but I have had a front-row seat as I have walked with many women through theirs.

So, I’m here to tell you that “yes, marriage is hard work”, but it’s more than that.

Marriage is confusing work.

Marriage is defeating work.

Marriage can even be heartbreaking work.

When we get married, we believe we have picked someone who would always be there for us, would always be safe for us, and would always be honest with us. Sure, we know life is stressful and marriage is hard. But we also know who we married. We believe that while life is hard certain things won’t change.

We know them.

We can trust them.

However, through the years things can become different.

One day, we can wake up and be living in a struggling marriage. We remember people telling us how hard it would be and while what we are experiencing is difficult, “hard” doesn’t feel like the word that best describes it. A better word would be defeating.

Marriage can be defeating.

Many women find themselves in marriages with men they don’t even recognize.

Men who have lied to them (and continue to do so).

Men who are no longer willing to do the work it takes.

Men who are having sex with other women.

Men who aren’t honest about how they are spending their time or their money.

You see, when us women hear that “marriage is hard” we think that we can handle it because we are strong, capable women who are willing to do the work. But it isn’t that simple.

Sometimes, it isn’t “work” that needs to be done, but betrayal that has to be dealt with.

Because surprisingly, marriage is filled with betrayal. Both kinds, Blindside Betrayal and Lifestyle Betrayal. Blindside betrayal is when we have no idea something is going on and one day everything comes crashing down and our world is upside down. Lifestyle betrayal is much less dramatic but no less defeating. It is a lifestyle of small betrayals where the man we married is no longer the safe, supportive, sincere person we thought we had beside us.

So while marriage is hard, yes, and it takes a lot of work, yes. It is so much more than “hard work”.

Many women are faced with the very real reality that their marriage has become so utterly disappointing and they are beyond exhausted from the work they have put into it.

It’s not that they are no longer willing to do “the work” it is that they have done the “work” and don’t know what else to do. What else can be done?

If you are reading this and feel defeated in your marriage, I want to encourage you that there is hope. There is hope for you to move forward through this deep experience of betrayal.

You need to be encouraged and you need a plan. Good thing. I have both for you.

I am hosting a FREE, 40 minute Masterclass that covers HOW and WHY betrayal happens. This class covers all types of betrayal, but is perfect for anyone who feels disappointed by their husband!

I Couldn't Believe What She Posted about Me...

I’ll never forget the moment.

I had woken up and was lying in bed. During this time of my life, I was trying to be more disciplined with being on Social Media. I had recognized the many downsides and certainly didn’t love the habit of hopping onto Social Media before my feet even hit the floor.

Before I picked up my phone, I felt a gentle reminder from the Holy Spirit of my goals. Despite that, I opened my phone, checked the weather, read my daily scripture, and thought to myself, what could it hurt? Just a little peak.

To my surprise, it turned out to hurt a lot.

As I was participating in the mindless scroll of Facebook that we all know and love. (Not really, we all know and hate it, but we love it, but we hate it too. UGH!) I continued to scroll and paused to read a friend of mine’s post from the night before & I was stopped in my tracks.

Before my eyes, one of my Christian “friends” had made a post… about me.

It wasn’t just about me, but it was about my ministry. It was how I had chosen to speak. It was about the choices I had made. It didn’t name be by name, but it didn’t need to.

I knew.

After reading it quickly. I read over it again slowly, and again just for good measure. I closed my eyes. I put down my phone and could feel the tears coming. I felt panicked. The world felt like it was closing in. I had to do something. I had to stand.

Carter was in the bathroom getting ready for work and I thought, I need to tell him. Now.

I climbed out of bed and walked toward him. With each step I took, I felt more panicked. I felt hot, short-breathed, & lightheaded. I thought to myself, I might faint.

I walked toward my husband who doesn’t have social media and had started his day like we all used to… just getting ready with his own thoughts and not the opinions of everyone in the world.

As I finally reached him, he looked into my face and said, “What’s wrong?” with a mixture of surprise and confusion. What could be wrong? I had just woken up, hadn’t I? What could’ve happened?

Turns out, a lot.

A lot can happen when you open yourself up to the opinions of others.

You see, this was the first time someone I knew had publicly shamed me and disagreed with me online about my stance in life.

This wasn’t a comment on my post. This was a post on her own page. Back in the day when we all simply posted statuses. It had no photo. No video. No trending audio and no cute reel.

It was simply words.

But it was enough. It was enough to make me feel ashamed. Alone. Embarrassed. Misunderstood.

I couldn’t decide which one bothered me more. Her words or that the first person who liked the post was a woman who I deeply respected. I felt even more embarrassed by their joint attack.

It hurt.

I had been putting myself out of my comfort zone for several years. I felt alone at times. I felt embarrassed often. I doubted myself but constantly went back to trying to be obedient to what God had been asking me to do. Day by day, I was learning humility and walking in obedience.

I knew not everyone agreed. I knew many didn’t care.

I knew that the path I was walking was hard, yet I also knew that the path I was walking was changing the world, not because it was changing anyone else, but because it was changing me.

Yet, here it was. One of my fears.

Being misunderstood by a friend.

Not just any “friend”, but a Christian sister.

Being attacked. Being shamed. I knew there were people who didn’t agree, but I didn’t expect to be so blatantly called out and shamed.

Betrayal sucks.

In the Christian world, I believe it should be non-existent.

But it is.

It is just as prevalent in the Christian Culture as it is outside. Except, I think we can all agree that it is worse. It is worse because we expect love. We expect safety. We expect support.

This was years ago, looking back I know I was immature in my expectations for complete safety & support in the internet world. However, I am a firm believer that Christians should be better. We should be much better at relationships.

In fact, I actually think we should be the rock stars of Relationships. We should be rocking our ability to love amazing while having boundaries that work, and processing our betrayals in the best way.

Because we have the best God ever who loves us unconditionally, with a lot of instructions on how to live, and the complete ability to redeem all things. (He is the best!)

So today, I am here to tell you, if you have been shamed by a fellow Christian friend. I’m sorry.

It hurts. I know.

It sucks. For sure.

However, no matter what, I want you to know that how you process this betrayal matters. What you believe is important. What you do is vital.

---

If this conversation meant anything to you, then you need to do two things:

First, listen to this podcast episode with my friend Chrysten Ferrell. It is so good and it will help you.

Second, download my FREE, personalized betrayal guide at www.yourbetrayalguide.com. You can choose the relationship that has betrayed you and you will receive a personalized guide on what to do.

Time Doesn't Heal All wounds

This life is many things and fair isn’t one of them. There will always be tragedies that make no sense and losses that our brain is unable to reconcile.

When God designed the earth, loss wasn’t supposed to be a part of her story, but now we must endure the pain of it. There are moments that are hurtful, but then there are moments filled with the scenes of our worst nightmares.

Some moments are made up of only despair.

Heartbroken doesn’t even seem to describe it, as if the pain only affected one part of us. More accurately, we feel we have been ripped in two from our head to our toes. We don’t know how, but our very being feels unattached from itself.

When everything seems gray and we walk around like zombies feeling numb and empty inside. Even though we are sure we will feel joy again, it is hard to imagine how that’s possible.

When the first few moments of every day are spent waking up and once again realizing We are living in our worst nightmare.

Truth is, time doesn’t heal all wounds.

Saying time heals all wounds implies, given enough time, we will eventually return to who we were before. In some cases, this just isn’t possible. Sometimes, life betrays us in such a way the person we were before no longer exists. The event brought such devastation it seemed to alter our very DNA. Even with time, effort, and counseling, the experience will forever have its Impact.

from thIs point forward, our life will be known as “the before” and “the after”.

Of course, time changes the pain, but that doesn’t stop the waves of loss & heartache from taking us under whenever they please. Something was stolen from our life and it will forever have its impact on us. No amount of good things or time will ever make up for it.

There is nothing left to do but wait. Wait and see what our life will become. Not with joy, but with trust. Trust that God can heal us. Not to what we were, but to something new. Something we’ve never been before. Clinging tight to the truth that we have not been forsaken and their is redemption to be found somewhere in this darkness.

The journey ahead is long, but there is hope that one day we will be healed. not because time has passed, but because God has worked.

Am I Enough?

How many times in life have I felt like I wasn’t enough?

A lot.

I have often encountered feelings of inadequacies. Whether it was work, friendships, marriage, mothering, house tasks, or any other thing I have done in my life. I have fallen short. It’s easy to wonder if I am enough.

Am I a good enough mom?

Am I a good enough wife?

Am I good enough to write this?

Simply, Am I good enough?

Through the years, I have learned these fears must be addressed. When I hear the taunts, “You are not enough” or “You should be more than you are”. I now have an answer…

”You’re right.
I am not enough.”

(Didn’t see that coming, did ya?)

Truth is, I used to hate when I thought I had failed because I knew the answer, I had. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to be a failure, so I would try to justify it, blame someone, or avoid it altogether.

Now I know, I must make room for failure in my life. Failure is a part of me. Inadequacy is a part of me. I am unable to be perfect at all times because I am far from it.

I seem to pendulum between a confident capable person and an INCOMPETENT idiot.

I had to stop and accept the truth, sometimes, I wasn’t enough. Sometimes, I would be the major screw up I feared that I was. Sometimes, I would screw up at work. Sometimes, I would fail at motherhood. Sometimes, I would suck at being a wife. Sometimes, I would be a bad friend.

I had been expecting myself to be some kind of robot that would perform at peak performance at all times. Constantly, knowing the expectations of every human being around me. Never letting anyone down, including myself.

I had to stop expecting perfection from myself and I had to accept others would not always approve of me.

This was WAY harder than it sounds for me to learn. I experienced a lot of anxiety as I accepted my life as a failure but I’m so glad I continued to learn the truth.

It’s ok if I am not enough for everyone all the time, i will do my best and offer grace for my failures.

and that’s enough for me.

The Worst Part about Love

I have always been a people person. I like friends. I like family. I can think of no better way to spend my life than investing in the people around me.

I love people.

I love the opportunity to experience new things. Laugh together. Cry together. Support one another. Cheer on one another. People. Love. Relationships. I love it all.

However, it is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

And people get hurt A LOT.

Have you ever been hurt by someone? (Insert sarcasm.) Of course, YOU HAVE! From the time we were young, we were getting hurt by people. Friends, family, peers on the playground, there are an endless amount of opportunities to get hurt in this life.

We all have people in our life that have disappointed us. Not just the acquaintance we work with, but people close to us. Times when we found out something hurtful a friend said about us or when we needed support but failed to receive it.

I have some of the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for, but that doesn’t mean my relationships come with no cost. There are so many opportunities for misunderstandings.

I believe this is something that should be talked about more. Don’t get me wrong, I am not cynical, but I do consider myself very practical.

Sometimes misunderstandings happen that seem completely innocent and then there are times when the pain seems deliberate. These experiences make us second guess having people in our life at all.

This is when the rubber meets the road and love can seem like one horrible idea.

We have done ourselves a disservice because we don’t have a good understanding of what love is or the power that it beholds. Somewhere along the way, we have told ourselves that if we love big, then we will be loved big.

Truth is, if we Love big, we will Hurt big.

So many of us expect our love to be returned to us at the measure it is given. Love is not given to the measure it is received. Love is given to the measure of capacity.

I can love big, but not because I have people in my life who don’t make mistakes, but because I have worked for years on growing my capacity to love.

Love isn’t about receiving what you give.

Love is about giving all that you have.

Love is about stretching you to become a beautiful person, no matter if someone else chooses to do the same.

Why Doesn't God Care?

There I was with a long list of prayer requests, praying to a God who didn’t seem to be listening. I had made it very clear the things I needed him to do for me and they were all really good things. I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t work in my life.

Did He not care?

Of course, I had problems before this, but this was the first time I felt overwhelmingly surrounded by negative circumstances and could not see a way out.

During this time, I found myself getting back into my pajamas in the middle of the day, crawling into bed and crying, as I prayed to a God who seemed determined to stay silent.

I was full of anxiety and was deeply discouraged.

Until…

One day, I was reading my Bible and came across a scripture in Romans that stopped me in my tracks.

And changed everything.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.”

Wait.

These words hit me like a ton of bricks.

My present sufferings are somehow connected to my glory? But how? How in the world is suffering needed for glory? Isn’t suffering the opposite of glory?

The next sentence blew me away…

“For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.”

What in the world??

I was shocked to read suffering had any connection to glory and now this scripture was saying somehow creation itself was invested in this process? Creation was waiting… for me? What did all of this mean? I didn’t know, but I was determined to dive in deeper.

I realized I needed to figure out what the connection was between suffering and glory because this made no sense to me.

I decided I was all in.

“Luckily”, I found myself in a season of suffering and decided to use this time to learn. I dedicated myself and I promised to give it all the time it took. (Spoiler alert: It took years.)

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t trying to get out of my pain. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t looking to blame someone for my circumstances. For the first time in my life, I chose to be still in the darkness.

This process of discovery took me years to go through. There was no magic that made my life all come together. Many of my circumstances stayed the same and the things I prayed continually went unanswered. I experienced so much anxiety and exhaustion. I often felt like I was being squeezed and could hardly breathe.

I didn’t feel strong because I wasn’t. I was more weak and broken than I had ever been in my entire life.

And it was there, in my brokenness, I found my strength.

It was only in my suffering that I came face to face with my greatest fears and I was presented with my worst nightmares.

It was then that I finally saw myself for who I really was.

I learned I had been living with a deep need to feel in control of my life and keep things in order. I began to understand I had a lot of fear about my life not going how I expected it to go.

I never realized until this how much anxiety I had about my relationships.

I discovered I was leaning on my husband too much to give me confidence. I uncovered I had a fear of making a wrong financial decision and hurting my family. I realized I was afraid I was going to fail my friends and they would leave me. I recognized I loved to judge people who disappointed or hurt me and blame them for any of my unkind actions. I came to the realization that I had a deep fear of being misunderstood which was keeping me limited. I learned I was afraid I was going to make a mistake in raising my kids. Actually, I was afraid to make any mistakes at all.

I knew I was not perfect but to be honest I had no idea I was this broken. I had never seen these things within myself because I had never let myself see them.

It was very difficult to realize I wasn't the person I thought I was.

Before this, I was so determined to be the “best me” I had never learned to stop and look in the mirror to see the person I actually was. I kept thinking I simply needed to try harder so all of the bad parts of myself would go away.

When I first read those words they made no sense to me, now it seems so clear. It was only when I stopped avoiding from my problems I realized how helpful they could be for me.

Most of us spend our lives trying to avoid suffering and praying our way out of hard things.

We have no idea that this lifestyle is keeping us from becoming the great person we always hoped we would be. We only see our problems as a hinderance to our life, not the key to life itself.

many Of us feel betrayed by God because he won’t remove our suffering. I wonder if God ever feels betrayed by us because we won’t choose to Heal and become the person he created us to be.

After almost a decade on this journey, I am convinced, God wants us to be free. More than anything he wants to heal us, equip us, and launch us into our destiny. Unfortunately, we are obsessed with how we feel and our healing involves a lot of pain.

Creation is waiting for a group of people who have stood the test of their suffering and have risen out of the ashes stronger than before.

This group of people is no longer driven by their fears because they have faced them in the darkness. These people are no longer seeking to feel important because they know they are. These people are no longer slaves to their emotions and often choose to do things they don’t feel like doing. They are no longer looking to get out of hard situations because they know great things will come from it.

They know their God hasn’t betrayed them because He is the one who healed them.

You see, our suffering is not the problem, our suffering holds the keys to the solution. We must not run from it, we must experience it so we can heal.

Creation is waiting for you to be revealed.

Are you coming?

It Is Vital My Kids Learn This One Skill...

There are so many things I hope to teach my children. In many ways, teaching them all the things I hope to feels like an impossible task. However, there are a few skills that I focus heavily on to teach my kids. I believe one of the very best things I can do is teach my children…

Their choices matter.

A lot.

One way I teach them the power of their choices is to not remove all the possibilities to make wrong ones. I keep some temptation in reach so they get to choose for themselves.

For instance, when my daughter was three years old she got a makeup set. I put it in a drawer she could reach, but I told her she was only allowed to use the makeup when she asked and I approved. This proved to be a struggle for her. She loved her makeup and wanted to use it whenever she wanted. She didn’t want to ask and she didn’t want to have any rules with her makeup.

This provided her an opportunity to learn about choices and to practice self-control.

The first time she used it without asking, I told her she had lost the privilege of the makeup for a certain length of time but I kept it in the same drawer.

I didn’t remove the choice.

I gave her another opportunity to respect or disrespect the rule.

I explained if she used the makeup again without asking, I would put it in a place she couldn’t reach for a much longer time. Ultimately, if she wasn’t willing to respect the rules she wouldn’t get to keep the makeup and we could try again when she was older.

Through the years, she used restraint at times and other times not so much. She has lost the privilege of makeup for weeks at a time and kept it for months at a time.

The makeup has been up high and the makeup has been down low.

When she chose to ask BEFORE using it, I made a big deal out of how respectful SHE had chosen to be. I would always tell her I knew how hard it was for her to ask before using it. I always clarified that it was her choice and she had made a great, respectful choice.

I would celebrate her self-control because self-control is something to celebrate.

You may be asking yourself, why would I put myself through this? Why not put the makeup on the top shelf so I didn’t have to deal with the hassle?

Simple.

This has nothing to do with makeup.

This is about my job to prepare my children for the world. This is about raising human beings that can be around something they want and refrain from taking it. This is about learning they don’t always get to do whatever they want.

This is about learning respect. Both, respect for authority and respect for boundaries.

This is one example of hundreds of times I have given my children a choice to control themselves… or not to.

When I set a boundary, I hope they will respect it, but truthfully, when they don’t I am given a grand opportunity. I am given an opportunity to teach them I can be trusted when I speak and I will follow through on what I say. I am given the opportunity to teach them their choices matter and they will reap what they sow.

I am given the opportunity for them to fail and have to face it. I am given the opportunity to show them grace, speak truth to them, and forgive them. I am given the opportunity to give them another chance. Of course, after the consequence has been fulfilled.

I am not going to wait until my children are teenagers and I realize it is too late for me to teach them self-control and they have to learn it the hard way with much larger consequences.

I hope they can learn in these early years how much their choices matter. I hope they can understand how hard it can be to control themselves, but there is great pride in doing so.

My dream for my children is they can be adults who are capable of owning their choices and controlling themselves.

Even when it’s something as “tempting” as a brand new makeup set…

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Having One Child Was Harder than Having Four

Motherhood is hard. Period. Whether you have one, two, or twenty children you will feel stretched to the max. However, I recently had my fourth child and I have been surprised by how easily our life has transitioned with our most recent addition. I have been thinking back to what life was like as a new mom and I can’t help but feel it has been easier to have four children than it was to have one.

Let me explain…

I know how I like to parent.

When I had my first child I sought a lot of advice. I quickly learned what works great for someone else doesn’t necessarily work for me. It took a long time to find my groove, but in time, I did. Now, I understand all of us parent very differently. What works for you may or may not work for me and that is perfectly fine!

I understand none of it lasts forever… actually, it all goes fast.

Our first child was a happy baby, but she didn’t like to sleep. I will never forget living in a daze for months wondering if this was going to be the rest of my life. Is this motherhood? Feeling like a zombie?

How are all these other moms walking around looking like normal people?

I felt so overwhelmed. Now I know that no matter how hard a stage is, whether it is a sleepless baby or a tantrum throwing toddler, none of it lasts forever. Actually, looking back, it goes very quickly which helps me not get so overwhelmed by frustrating stages.

Zipper pajamas.

Pajamas that zip, gripe water for hiccups, and muslin blankets, these are just a few of the things that I rely heavily on for my life with a baby. Simply put, I know the products I like and the systems I use to take care of my babies.

My life has not been turned upside down.

My life before kids was free of the chaos that children bring. After we had our daughter, our world was turned upside down. Crying, sleepless nights, bath times, and so many other changes came roaring into my life. After one child, I had to learn how I wanted to deal with all of these things. Eight years later, our life is still crazy, but we are no longer surprised by it! Adding another baby doesn’t seem so different.

I’m not alone. I have three helpers.

With our most recent child, our older children have been so helpful! They all love to help take care of their little brother. If each of them help me with ten small things a day, like putting their brothers pacifier in or getting me a diaper, that is thirty things I DIDN’T have to do! My oldest daughter has even been getting her brother dressed before school. She loves it and it is such a blessing!

I’ve learned its ok to still do the things I like to do.

For months after we had our first child, I felt consumed by motherhood. I honestly felt like I lost myself for a while. I often felt bad if I did things outside of being a mom. Now, I don’t feel bad. I have learned that it is not only helpful, but necessary for me to be a good mom.

I have passions and while my children are one of my greatest passions, they are not my only one.

I’ve learned babies cry.

Spoiler alert: babies cry. When I was a new mom, I felt every time my baby fussed or cried something must be wrong. I’ve learned, sometimes babies just cry. We can do our best to soothe them and meet their needs, but even the happiest babies will have moments that are hard to comfort and this is ok. This doesn’t mean anything about my mothering or if I have a good baby or not. It simply means, babies cry.

I know I’m a good mom and I’m don’t have to prove it.

Becoming a mom is stressful. Of all the things to fail at, I really didn’t want to fail at raising humans. I felt like I had to prove I was a good mom. Now, I get it. I don’t have to prove anything. I now know I am the best mom for my kids and I am a great one. Do I fail? Absolutely! But at the end of the day, I am raising amazing human beings and I have a built a confidence through the years that I didn’t have at first.

I don’t need this kid to be anything for me.

When I was expecting my first child, I had so many hopes and dreams. I wanted to have the perfect nursery, the perfect outfits, and the perfect child. See anything that might prove to be a problem here? Yeah, all of it. (Actually, her nursery was pretty perfect.) Obviously, no matter how much I tried, perfection was not going to happen. With my first, I put so much pressure and expectation on the experience. Now, four kids later, I don’t feel pressure, I feel free to enjoy the experience without the expectation for it to be perfect. I have “been there done that” and carry so much less pressure for my fourth sweet baby.

I don’t feel the need to keep it all together.

Motherhood is hard. No matter how long I do it and no matter how many kids I have there are moments I simply need to have a breakdown. I have to reach out to other moms for advice and support. Motherhood isn’t meant to be conquered, it is meant to be experienced. And that experience includes a lot of tears.

Motherhood is a crazy ride. Each year, heck, each day is a brand new adventure! I am no longer surprised by the chaos of it all. I know that some nights go as planned and some don’t.

Having four kids has a lot of crazy moments, but so does having one…

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Are You Being Taken Advantage Of? Here’s the Solution.

Have you ever felt taken advantage of? I’m not talking about being lied to or stolen from, I’m talking about situations when we helped someone out and felt they expected more than they should or they seemed ungrateful for how much we did for them.

Whether by a friend, family member, spouse, or coworker, most of us have felt like we have been taken advantage of at one point or another. These situations can be quite frustrating to experience, but I have discovered the solution.

Time and time again, I have realized being taken advantage of is simply a need for two things:

boundaries

and

communication.

It is an opportunity for us to use our words and set appropriate boundaries.

But let’s be clear, If we offer to help someone out, we should do so without the expectation they will pay you back for it. If we expect them to pay us back, we must be clear from the start of our expectations.

We should never expect payment for our kindness.

If we are expecting something in return we need to understand this is not a gift.

This is a debt.

Secondly, we need to understand how situations change. Maybe we offered to help someone out by babysitting, paying a bill, house sitting, helping them at work, assisting them financially, or any other assistance, and when we agreed, we were happy to help.

We offered our assistance with a pure heart, no strings attached, but then, at some point something changed. Our once kind offer changed into something we resent the person for.

We need to understand this does not necessarily mean this person has done anything wrong. It simply means that it is time for us to have a conversation about the agreement moving forward.

It is time to set a boundary.

Unfortunately, many people really suck at having conversations and setting new boundaries. This is a vital skill we all need to learn if we don’t want to feel taken advantage of.

You see, it is simple to never be taken advantage of again:

First, don’t expect payment for helping someone out.

Second, whenever someone is expecting you to give more than you are willing to give, reassess the agreement and have a conversation.

Lastly, don’t help if you aren’t actually wanting to help.

It really is as simple as that.

As humans, we like to blame people. We like for our problems to be other people’s fault. Sometimes our problems are caused by other people; however, when it comes to being taken advantage of this is not the problem of someone else. If we have been taken advantage of there is only one person to blame.

Ourselves.

Because we were unwilling to say “no” or “not anymore”.

I invite you to never feel taken advantage of again. I invite you to say these words,

“No, I will not do that for you.”

You see my friends, we hold the key to so many of our frustrations and annoyances in life, the question is will we do anything about it?

What Is Love?

Love is surprisingly exciting and exceptionally mundane. It is found in traveling around the world together, but also sitting on the couch.

Love is dreaming big plans, but living on a budget. Love is joining your hopes together and knowing the risk. Love is taking a chance.

Love is living in the moment, but sticking through the years.

Love is not having to wonder what they say when you’re not there. Love is being valued. Love is feeling safe.

Love is being chosen.

Love is being listened to even when they’re tired. Love is being encouraged, lifted up, and held high. Love is being heard.

Love is being told the truth. Love is forgiving.

Love is telling the truth. Love is being forgiven.

Love is laughing together, but also wiping one another’s tears. Love is being broken, but finding the path to wholeness, hand in hand.

Love is not only about saying the sweet things, but being willing to say the hard things, too.

Love is butterflies, hugs, and kisses. Love is special dinner dates and boring Tuesdays. Love is evening walks and late night talks. Love is dancing in the kitchen and dreaming on the porch.

Love is finding freedom. Love is having self-control.

Love is against all odds.

Love is you. Love is me. Love is us. Together Forever. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary.

-Your Gal

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Love Sucks

I made a choice long ago to be a person who loves. Over the years, I have slowly grown my capacity to love much like exercising a muscle to gain strength. Loving big is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life.

But let me let you in on something I have learned…

Love sucks.

Yep, there. I said it.

When I casually hear the word “love” I think about hugs and kisses, rainbows and butterflies, and people singing Kumbaya while holding hands. However, living a life of love is so far from roses and rainbows.

Living a life of love looks more like a warzone than a Hallmark card.

Unfortunately, love is filled with so many things that aren’t warm and fuzzy. Love is filled with misunderstandings and love is filled with disappointments.

Loving big means opening up and creating vulnerability within your life.

The more vulnerable you become, the more likely you are to experience pain.

Love also opens the door to experience one of the most painful things that exist, rejection.

Love hurts.

I am not talking about drama. I am talking about the inevitable experience of pain if you choose to be a person who loves big. No question. No doubt about it.

“Love”

It sounds really simple.

But it’s not.

It’s not easy to love people when they disappoint you. It is not easy to love people when they don’t show up for you. It’s not easy to love people who have hurt you. It is not easy to love people who have betrayed you. It is not easy to love people who have rejected you. It is not easy to love people who disagree with you.

To put it simply, it is not easy to love people.

It is complex and messy and all twisted up like a tangled necklace with a really small chain.

Do I really want to love people? What about the people who haven’t supported me as I expected? Do I love those people? Do I choose to love even the people who aren’t loving me?

Years ago, I settled something in myself. I decided to go down a path of love. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever go back. I was choosing love. The end.

I will choose to love despite the decision made by the person on the other side. I will bless. Period. Even for those who reject me, I will choose to value.

I will not sway from this belief.

I will not falter from this regard.

I have cried many tears over my choice to love, but what better way to spend my tears than experiencing the depth of something that always produces beauty in my life?

Love sucks, but love is worth it every time.

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My Kids Don't Need a Perfect Mom

There I was, driving in my car, completely overwhelmed with mom guilt. I hadn’t handled everything perfectly and I felt bad.

I should have done it better. I should have been better.

I felt I should be a better mom and I began to devise a plan to never fail… ever again.

Because that’s what a good mom does, right?

Of all the things to be a failure at, we don’t want to fail at raising other human beings.

Motherhood is this big giant thing that none of us want to get wrong. There is so much that we handle, dinners, dressing our kids, school parties and activities, watching over their health, social interactions, friendship struggles, all the while trying to be sure we are raising kind, respectful, fun to be around human beings.

It’s kind of a lot of pressure.

And moms carry a lot of the load.

Sometimes as a mom it can all feel so heavy.

It is a huge undertaking to raise little humans. One big task that is built of a hundred small tasks in a day. We can easily begin to believe each of these small tasks is the breaking point to whether our children will succeed or not.

It can begin to feel like it all depends on us doing it right.

As I drove in the car that day, I had a realization. I was making a mistake, but not the one I thought I had made.

I was holding myself to an impossible standard.

Perfection.

Instead of allowing myself to be human, and simply give myself grace for the small failure. I was being too hard on myself.

As I thought about it, I realized this was a major problem.

First of all, I’m not perfect and never will be, so attempting to achieve perfection was always going to leave us all disappointed.

Second of all, even if I were, can you imagine how horrible that would be for my children?

I mean, really.

Can you imagine growing up and have a perfect person be your role model? As if, my children need an impossible bar they will never be able to reach?

My children don’t need me to be perfect. In fact, that’s the last thing they need.

They need me to fail, so they can see how I get back up. They need to see me get it wrong. They need to see me overreact, underreact, and react just right.

They don’t need me to be perfect. They need me to teach them how to be imperfect.

They need me to teach them how messy and imperfect life can be because that is the life they will have to face for themselves one day.

I do not want to raise my children in a bubble of perfection. Where nothing is ever out of place, ever forgotten, or ever mishandled.

I want to teach them about real life and lots of things to go imperfectly in life.

They don't needle to be a perfect mom. They need me to be the imperfect mom who falls on her face, owns it, gets back up, and tries again. All while giving myself grace and encouraging my kids to do the same.

What if failing is not the worst thing I could ever do as a mom, but one of the best?

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How to Deal with Angry People

I used to think people were pretty simple. I thought we all wanted to get along and be happy, but sometimes life simply got in the way. As I have gotten older, I realize that may be true for me, but it certainly isn’t true for everyone.

Not everyone feels the need to live peacefully.

I am now convinced, some people actually enjoy creating chaos particularly during times they feel chaos inside of themselves.

Some people crave the tension.

They relish the push back.

They enjoy the storm.

They aren’t scared for things to get messy.

Yelling can be fun.

Screaming, no problem.

They are great at making sense of their arguments and justifying everything they do or say… no matter how absurd. You might even find them switch sides or topics in the middle of an argument which can become quite confusing to engage with.

That is because the topic at hand is not the point.

The conflict is.

There is a sense of comfort found for them in the storm.

Even though they may look out of control, they feel powerful during these moments of chaos. It feels calming when the situations and people around them match the turmoil they feel within themselves.

If you are in relationship with someone who has anger issues, they will try to start fights with you when they are feeling stressed. If they can get you to explode, it validates they are not the only ones who can’t control themselves. If you choose not to, this will no doubt make them angry perhaps even angrier than if you engage.

Many people with anger issues have the ability to get over an argument quickly and expect others to as well.

They don’t understand why people hold on to the things that were said in anger because they no longer feel the tension within themselves.

They feel better after they explode, no matter the destruction that is left behind.

They find injustice in many places, including work, friends, and family and you will be expected to agree with them.

They want you to validate their experiences, their perceptions, their emotions, and ultimately their anger. They believe how they feel is very important, so if you do not support them in their feelings they will not feel loved and you will quickly find yourself as a target.

They don’t enjoy being viewed as a victim because that makes them feel weak. However, much of their mindset is based upon the belief they are often mistreated. After an argument, they will commonly convince people to feel sorry for them.

People do not choose behavior repeatedly unless it works for them on some level.

When someone has embraced anger as an outlet they essentially use it as a release to cope with frustrations in life.

If you have someone in your life that has anger tendencies, you cannot change them. You cannot talk them out of their anger or “manage” their emotions for them. You need to understand that ultimately, they are the only one who can change how they handle the chaos inside of themselves.

They get to make their choices. Just like you get to make yours.

Anyone can change.

Anyone can grow.

Anyone can heal.

But it is important to remember, the only people changing, growing, or healing, are the people acknowledging they need to.

Blessings,

Haley

Why Do People Lie?

Living an honest, genuine life comes at a cost and I have found not everyone is willing to pay the price.

It can feel so natural to tell a simple lie to avoid difficulty or awkwardness in our life. There are many reasons we choose to lie, here are six that I have come across…

1- To avoid conflict

One of the most common reasons people lie is to avoid conflict. Many of us view conflict as a negative experience and struggle to say difficult things. During times of conflict or disagreement, it can seem simpler to answer dishonestly while keeping our true feelings to ourselves.

Unfortunately, people who choose to avoid facing conflict are also people who will end up walking away from a lot of relationships.

You cannot have meaningful, long-lasting relationships without choosing to face conflict.

2- To avoid accountability

In my opinion, the second most common reason people lie is to avoid accountability. It is simple, we want to do what we want to do. We know if we share the truth people will try to stop us, so we don’t share.

3- Not ready to discuss a topic or don’t believe you have a right to the truth

There are times we are not ready to discuss a certain topic or someone asks us something that is, well frankly, none of their business. When we have this happen, many of us choose a simple lie to avoid the topic.

4- In the moment, we believe what we are saying

Some lies aren’t as much planned deceit but actually more of an inability to follow through.

Meaning, if I tell Carter today, “I love you and I want to be with you forever.” But, tomorrow, he makes me mad and I no longer want to be with him, so I tell him, “I don’t love you anymore. I want to leave you.”

Perhaps I believe both statements to be true when I say them, but I have an inability to follow through long-term. I have given my emotions too much control over my life.

As adults, we should be capable of following through with our words even when we don’t feel like it.

5- To create an alternate reality

I think when many of us hear the word “liar” we think of this type of lying. When people choose to live secret lives and lie to cover their tracks. This kind of lifestyle requires that we not only avoid topics, but we create “stories” to keep our secret life flourishing. The longer we do this, the more stories we will have to create to cover our tracks.

When it all comes crashing down (it always does… eventually) we will cause a lot of hurt to the people who trusted us.

6- For fun

There are people in this world that simply lie for the fun of it. They like to manipulate people and it makes them feel powerful to convince people that their lies are in fact truth. These people are master manipulators and are often difficult to detect.

Each and every one of us gets to choose the level of honesty we live in our life.

I believe it is powerful to own the truth and speak the truth even when it is difficult or awkward.

I believe the relationships in my life are worth confronting and I believe it is my job to follow through on what I say even when I no longer feel like following through.

I do not believe in living a life of pretend where I make up an alternate reality that doesn’t actually exist.

I believe in owning who I am and being honest about my intentions in life.

These are the things I believe…

What about you?

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Sorry, I Cannot Be What You Want

I am sorry I cannot be what you want me to be. You seem to have such specific requirements for me and I have disappointed you.

I didn’t want to let you down, but here we are.

I have been so focused on how you felt about me and my choices that I lost sight of who I am and the life I want to live. And sadly, I even started to blame you for my unhappiness. This isn’t fair and I promise to do better. My happiness is not in your hands and I free you from that burden you never asked to carry.

This has taken me some time to understand, but I see things differently now. I now see that I have to let go of your approval.

I have to let go of you.

I understand now that seeking your approval will be a chase that will never end. I will always need to do more.

I just can’t be what you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry.

I only have one life to live and I cannot spend it trying to read your mind.

I will no longer try to do the dance that you expect me to do, but I will do the dance that I have inside of me. I will not allow myself to be controlled by you or your disapproval.

I will no longer make decisions for my life based on the fear that you will not love me because I have finally learned that perfect love casts out fear.

I have to move forward in the life that I feel I am called to live and I free you to do the same. I bless you, even if you can’t return the blessing. This doesn’t mean I don’t value you because I do. It simply means I value the experience of finding freedom more than I need your approval.

I choose to love you, without condition and I will choose to love myself without the pressure to perform for you.

Please know, this isn’t about me rejecting you. Actually, it is the opposite.

This is about me accepting you.

And I know this may be hard for you to understand and you may never give me your blessing, but that’s ok.

I give you the grace to disapprove of me.

But I am loyal to my path.

And your disapproval is no longer enough to keep me from moving forward.

Blessings.

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