Am I Enough?

How many times in life have I felt like I wasn’t enough?

A lot.

I have often encountered feelings of inadequacies. Whether it was work, friendships, marriage, mothering, house tasks, or any other thing I have done in my life. I have fallen short. It’s easy to wonder if I am enough.

Am I a good enough mom?

Am I a good enough wife?

Am I good enough to write this?

Simply, Am I good enough?

Through the years, I have learned these fears must be addressed. When I hear the taunts, “You are not enough” or “You should be more than you are”. I now have an answer…

”You’re right.
I am not enough.”

(Didn’t see that coming, did ya?)

Truth is, I used to hate when I thought I had failed because I knew the answer, I had. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to be a failure, so I would try to justify it, blame someone, or avoid it altogether.

Now I know, I must make room for failure in my life. Failure is a part of me. Inadequacy is a part of me. I am unable to be perfect at all times because I am far from it.

I seem to pendulum between a confident capable person and an INCOMPETENT idiot.

I had to stop and accept the truth, sometimes, I wasn’t enough. Sometimes, I would be the major screw up I feared that I was. Sometimes, I would screw up at work. Sometimes, I would fail at motherhood. Sometimes, I would suck at being a wife. Sometimes, I would be a bad friend.

I had been expecting myself to be some kind of robot that would perform at peak performance at all times. Constantly, knowing the expectations of every human being around me. Never letting anyone down, including myself.

I had to stop expecting perfection from myself and I had to accept others would not always approve of me.

This was WAY harder than it sounds for me to learn. I experienced a lot of anxiety as I accepted my life as a failure but I’m so glad I continued to learn the truth.

It’s ok if I am not enough for everyone all the time, i will do my best and offer grace for my failures.

and that’s enough for me.

It Is Vital My Kids Learn This One Skill...

There are so many things I hope to teach my children. In many ways, teaching them all the things I hope to feels like an impossible task. However, there are a few skills that I focus heavily on to teach my kids. I believe one of the very best things I can do is teach my children…

Their choices matter.

A lot.

One way I teach them the power of their choices is to not remove all the possibilities to make wrong ones. I keep some temptation in reach so they get to choose for themselves.

For instance, when my daughter was three years old she got a makeup set. I put it in a drawer she could reach, but I told her she was only allowed to use the makeup when she asked and I approved. This proved to be a struggle for her. She loved her makeup and wanted to use it whenever she wanted. She didn’t want to ask and she didn’t want to have any rules with her makeup.

This provided her an opportunity to learn about choices and to practice self-control.

The first time she used it without asking, I told her she had lost the privilege of the makeup for a certain length of time but I kept it in the same drawer.

I didn’t remove the choice.

I gave her another opportunity to respect or disrespect the rule.

I explained if she used the makeup again without asking, I would put it in a place she couldn’t reach for a much longer time. Ultimately, if she wasn’t willing to respect the rules she wouldn’t get to keep the makeup and we could try again when she was older.

Through the years, she used restraint at times and other times not so much. She has lost the privilege of makeup for weeks at a time and kept it for months at a time.

The makeup has been up high and the makeup has been down low.

When she chose to ask BEFORE using it, I made a big deal out of how respectful SHE had chosen to be. I would always tell her I knew how hard it was for her to ask before using it. I always clarified that it was her choice and she had made a great, respectful choice.

I would celebrate her self-control because self-control is something to celebrate.

You may be asking yourself, why would I put myself through this? Why not put the makeup on the top shelf so I didn’t have to deal with the hassle?

Simple.

This has nothing to do with makeup.

This is about my job to prepare my children for the world. This is about raising human beings that can be around something they want and refrain from taking it. This is about learning they don’t always get to do whatever they want.

This is about learning respect. Both, respect for authority and respect for boundaries.

This is one example of hundreds of times I have given my children a choice to control themselves… or not to.

When I set a boundary, I hope they will respect it, but truthfully, when they don’t I am given a grand opportunity. I am given an opportunity to teach them I can be trusted when I speak and I will follow through on what I say. I am given the opportunity to teach them their choices matter and they will reap what they sow.

I am given the opportunity for them to fail and have to face it. I am given the opportunity to show them grace, speak truth to them, and forgive them. I am given the opportunity to give them another chance. Of course, after the consequence has been fulfilled.

I am not going to wait until my children are teenagers and I realize it is too late for me to teach them self-control and they have to learn it the hard way with much larger consequences.

I hope they can learn in these early years how much their choices matter. I hope they can understand how hard it can be to control themselves, but there is great pride in doing so.

My dream for my children is they can be adults who are capable of owning their choices and controlling themselves.

Even when it’s something as “tempting” as a brand new makeup set…

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What Is Love?

Love is surprisingly exciting and exceptionally mundane. It is found in traveling around the world together, but also sitting on the couch.

Love is dreaming big plans, but living on a budget. Love is joining your hopes together and knowing the risk. Love is taking a chance.

Love is living in the moment, but sticking through the years.

Love is not having to wonder what they say when you’re not there. Love is being valued. Love is feeling safe.

Love is being chosen.

Love is being listened to even when they’re tired. Love is being encouraged, lifted up, and held high. Love is being heard.

Love is being told the truth. Love is forgiving.

Love is telling the truth. Love is being forgiven.

Love is laughing together, but also wiping one another’s tears. Love is being broken, but finding the path to wholeness, hand in hand.

Love is not only about saying the sweet things, but being willing to say the hard things, too.

Love is butterflies, hugs, and kisses. Love is special dinner dates and boring Tuesdays. Love is evening walks and late night talks. Love is dancing in the kitchen and dreaming on the porch.

Love is finding freedom. Love is having self-control.

Love is against all odds.

Love is you. Love is me. Love is us. Together Forever. I love you, babe. Happy Anniversary.

-Your Gal

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Sorry, I Cannot Be What You Want

I am sorry I cannot be what you want me to be. You seem to have such specific requirements for me and I have disappointed you.

I didn’t want to let you down, but here we are.

I have been so focused on how you felt about me and my choices that I lost sight of who I am and the life I want to live. And sadly, I even started to blame you for my unhappiness. This isn’t fair and I promise to do better. My happiness is not in your hands and I free you from that burden you never asked to carry.

This has taken me some time to understand, but I see things differently now. I now see that I have to let go of your approval.

I have to let go of you.

I understand now that seeking your approval will be a chase that will never end. I will always need to do more.

I just can’t be what you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry.

I only have one life to live and I cannot spend it trying to read your mind.

I will no longer try to do the dance that you expect me to do, but I will do the dance that I have inside of me. I will not allow myself to be controlled by you or your disapproval.

I will no longer make decisions for my life based on the fear that you will not love me because I have finally learned that perfect love casts out fear.

I have to move forward in the life that I feel I am called to live and I free you to do the same. I bless you, even if you can’t return the blessing. This doesn’t mean I don’t value you because I do. It simply means I value the experience of finding freedom more than I need your approval.

I choose to love you, without condition and I will choose to love myself without the pressure to perform for you.

Please know, this isn’t about me rejecting you. Actually, it is the opposite.

This is about me accepting you.

And I know this may be hard for you to understand and you may never give me your blessing, but that’s ok.

I give you the grace to disapprove of me.

But I am loyal to my path.

And your disapproval is no longer enough to keep me from moving forward.

Blessings.

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Are You Measuring Up?

“Haley, I don’t think you see yourself very clearly,” a friend said to me.

I had just uttered a self-evaluation of my physical appearance. It wasn’t a particularly encouraging or positive utterance. This wasn’t the first time she told me she didn’t think I saw myself accurately.

She is the type of friend who will tell me when I am wrong but has always encouraged me in who I am.

This time her observation stuck with me.

Did I see myself clearly?

And if not, why?

I began to think back on times that I have struggled with who I am.

Whether it was something I was doing or the way I appeared. I have often felt negative about myself and been hard on myself for feeling like I should be more than I am.

At times, it felt so obvious that I was falling short of “the standard”.

What standard, you ask? I don’t even know. The unspoken standard of who I should be. The one that I have pressured on myself and the one that I have felt pressured by the world.

Why is it so hard to feel content with who we are and the choices we make?

Life is filled with a lot of intricate experiences that complicate our perception of who we are. We learn from a young age who we are “supposed” to be and the life we “should” live. We spend much of our early years learning rules and expectations to function in society. (Some of us embrace these expectations more than others.) We also learn quickly that if we perform “well” we get more praise and acceptance than when we fail.

We are taught a standard for social acceptance and these guidelines are easy to become our standard for self-acceptance.

It is easy to feel that when others accept us that means we are “good”, but when people disapprove of us than we are “bad”. Sadly, this is a very unreliable measuring tool of our value because everyone has such varying perceptions.

It is quite easy to lose ourselves while we try to meet everyone’s expectations.

It seems clear to me that most of us have inaccurate views of ourselves. We are often our own worst critic and spend too much time thinking about our failures. We hold on to the worst things that people have said to us and forget to remember the best.

For years, I have been on a journey of learning to live in grace for myself and release the expectations of how I thought everything would turn out… including myself.

I am learning how to look at my flaws and say, “Yep, that is not the most attractive feature I have, but that’s alright.”

I am not looking to create a mindset that says I am perfect.

I am looking to create a mindset that knows I am not perfect, but I am perfectly ok with it.

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Losing Myself in the Performance

I was in sixth grade the first time that an acquaintance told me that she didn’t like me. Nothing had happened between us. Just me being “me” was enough to arouse in her a very strong feeling of frustration and annoyance, and she needed me to be aware of it.

I was eleven years old.

So, I guess I could tell you that it was also in sixth grade that I began to perform for the world to accept me. I began to try to be what other people wanted me to be.

This was the first time that I was told that I rubbed people the wrong way, but this wouldn’t be the last. I have heard this statement repeated, in many various forms, since then. Not only whispered through the grapevine, but straight to my face.

Don’t be so loud.

Be friendlier.

Smile more, but don’t come off fake.

Don’t be so happy all of the time, it is annoying.

Don’t come off too ‘judgy’.

Wave at more people.

Don’t walk like you walk.

Talk more.

Talk less.

Don’t be so opinionated.

When I ask for advice, don’t act like you know everything. Just listen.

Sometimes you rub people the wrong way. Don’t.

You need to change because you being “you” is annoying.

I wasn’t exactly sure what everyone was wanting, but I tried to listen and make myself more of who they expected me to be. I began to live my life for them. Despite my best effort, it seemed that no one was even recognizing all of the “wonderful” changes I was making.

No one seemed to be noticing my modifications, except I was detecting something very scary. The more I tried to be who I thought everyone wanted, the more I compromised who I was. I could feel it inside of me. I was losing my passion for life and it started to scare me.

I was beginning to lose myself.

I had been told that being “me” was wrong, but it seemed impossible for me to be anyone else. So what is a girl to do? If I could only be myself or be what everyone wanted me to me? I was going to have to make a choice…

I chose to be me.

It is so easy to feel like we should be able to make everyone happy with who we are. For some reason, it feels important to listen to negative feedback and make changes. In some cases, it is important. When people I love and people who love me come to me with something, it is vitally important that I listen to them. I must hear what they are saying and where they are coming from. The people who love me, love me. They want the best for me and will speak to me in a way that allows me an opportunity to grow, but not to compromise the love I have for myself.

I no longer entertain the hateful comments casually said about who I am and I no longer listen to people who choose to shame me for being me.

And you should not listen to those who choose to shame you for being you.

You are a living, breathing, quirky, funny, awkward being who is different than every other living being on this earth. You have a distinctive way of expressing the things inside of you. The unique things inside of you are the very things that should be treasured and protected, not hid.

We are all under an immense pressure to perform to what others believe we should be.  Let’s not live our life trying to please the people who just want us to be their puppet.

We are not meant to be a puppet.

I have lost myself at times in the performance. I have put forth way too much effort and time into performing for people that were never going to be happy with my dance. 

When we try to do the dance that others expect of us, it exhausts us.

People will look at us and judge how we live. Let them look. Let them judge, but let’s not perform for them. Let’s not try to be anything. Let's just be us.  I guarantee that some people will tell us that we are too much and some people will tell us that we are not enough; however, I am here to tell you differently.

You are just right.

Let them do their dance.

You do yours.

The world needs more people that are willing to live the life that they have inside of them.

We are waiting for you.

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When Others "Cause" My Problems

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When I have frustrations in my life, my first instinct is to look around and find the source of my frustration. This usually ends in me finding the person responsible. Someone must be at fault, right? (And it isn’t me.) I then put my frustration on that person, whether in secret or to their face.

Only recently have I realized how truly unproductive this process actually is. This way of handling things is focused primarily on one thing and that is…

blame.

You see, I don’t like to be frustrated. I don’t like it if things don’t go the way that I thought they would or should. I don’t like it if someone is mean to me or rude to me. I don’t like it when people disappoint me. And I don’t like it when I feel that I have been “wronged”.

“They made me mad.”

“They hurt my feelings.”

“They made me frustrated.”

If only they would change, I wouldn’t have these problems because... well... 

they are the problem.

I’m sure some of you are thinking… "Gosh, this girl has issues." (Which is totally true.)

I naturally think I am right all the time. I understand myself and my opinions make sense to me. It is not natural for me to question my emotions.

But what if my frustration wasn’t all about them?

What if the reason I was mad had more to do with my history than our present? What if the reason that I was so hurt had more to do with my insecurities than their actions? What if I was so frustrated because somewhere within myself is a child that believes I should get everything I want when I want it?

When we are feeling upset, instead of placing blame on someone else, we should sit down in front of the mirror and look at the reflection in front of us. We should not avoid this person. We should try to understand this person.

This person matters.

Our most frustrated, broken moments often reveal the most precious, vulnerable, interesting, and difficult things about ourselves.

It is vital that we look at ourselves during the times that we feel upset. If we don't, we will miss out on so many opportunities to learn who we are.

Many times, my feelings have little to do with the current situation I am in, and I find myself surprised by what is really upsetting me. It is often my undealt with hurt from a situation in my past. I can be surprised by my hate, anger, hurts, emotions, opinions, and frustration. Instead of making it all about them, I now ask, “What does this say about me?”

I learn more about myself when I am upset than I ever could when I am not.

My life is no longer a battle to prove to anyone that I am right. Being right is no longer my goal. My goal now is to be in peace. I am now living my life to grow, to heal, and to change. I am living this life to learn.

I am no longer scared of my brokenness. I no longer run from it. I embrace it. I want to know who I am, I want to know why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I do. I am getting to know myself, in all of my strength and all of my weakness.

My frustrations in life are no longer a “problem”.

They are an opportunity.

Next time you find yourself upset, hurt or angry. I invite you to do something that feels really wrong. I invite you to pause. I invite you to resist the urge to blame others for your emotions. I invite you to get to know yourself in a new way. I invite you to learn.

I invite you, my friend, to heal.

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My Search for Approval

Taken by Studio 951

After Carter and I got married, I remember being a tad disappointed. I thought that once we got married, it would be my final step in my journey of feeling love, acceptance and approval. But even after we got married, I still had plenty of days that I felt like I wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t pretty enough, funny enough, sexy enough… so on and so forth.

I remember talking to him and telling him that I needed him to tell me more often how beautiful I was or how great of a wife I was. Funny thing about Carter, he just doesn’t think like that. Don’t get me wrong. My husband is a wonderfully kind man, but he isn’t super “talkative” about how he feels all of the time.

He would try, but I began to have the realization that it was never going to be enough.

If he told me that I looked beautiful, I thought “why didn’t he say sexy?” If he told me in the morning, by the evening I wondered why he hadn’t said it again. If he told me twice, I needed to hear it three times.

The point is that no matter how many times he affirmed his love and attraction for me, I still questioned it.

I felt like I needed more from him.

One day I woke up and decided I was not going to depend on my husband (or anyone else) to give me my confidence. It wasn’t good for my marriage, and it wasn’t working anyway.

Since that day, I have been on a journey of realizing that no one else can give me love for myself. We, alone, hold the keys to appreciating who we are and what we look like. No one can give us self-confidence. We must choose to take that journey for ourselves.

Have you ever noticed that if someone tells you “great job” or “you are looking great today”, it feels so great? In that moment, you feel confident and happy with yourself. But then the next day comes and you feel like crap because no one has said anything positive about you? (OR, heaven forbid, they have said something NEGATIVE!)

No matter how wonderful our husband is, or our girlfriend, or our parents, or our friends, or our children, their words will never be enough to make us confident. Of course, it is wonderful to hear kind words spoken about who we are. But no matter how many kind words are spoken to us, it is never enough to give us lasting confidence.

I am a firm believer that this is because we are searching for outward words to cure an inward condition.

I am still on this journey of fully understanding and appreciating myself, but I am not where I once was and for that I am thankful. It has been so good for ALL of my relationships since I have released them from the responsibility of making me a confident person.

 It is not anyone else’s job to walk me on the journey to appreciating who I am. It is not fair (to any of us) to put my confidence in others’ hands. That’s not how it is supposed to work.

If you are still relying on others to give you confidence, I invite you to begin your own journey to confidence. We must choose to embrace who we are and move forward regardless of what others say, positive or negative.

We are not born with an unconditional love for our personality or our looks.

We must choose it.

Maybe you will be surprised to find that the love and appreciation you have been searching for begins with the person who has been there all along… yourself.

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I Am Insecure: Part Four {Embracing Who I Am}

Through my life, I have had different seasons that I have struggled with who I am. I will never forget a few years into our marriage, I got into a funk.

Carter and I were meeting monthly with a small group of married friends. It just so happened, that each of these couples was made up of quieter wives and more outspoken husbands.

I began to compare myself to the other women and I made the observation that I was much more outspoken than they were. At first, I didn’t think much of it. But, eventually, it started to really bother me. They seemed so sweet and beautifully humble.

A voice in my head began to tell me that they were “right” and I was “wrong”.

Not in our opinions, just in our existence.

This feeling continued to grow. I began to feel this way, not only when I was with this group, but all of the time. So, I decided within myself that I would change. I would learn to be someone else. I became determined to be more like them.

This was a really sad time of my life. I felt lonely. I felt like something was wrong with who I was. I felt ashamed.  Everyone around me seemed to have it all together. Why couldn’t I be like them?

I tried my hardest to change who I was, but after several months of failing miserably, I came to the realization that I couldn’t be “them”.

During this period, I learned a very real truth.

Who I am is who I am.

I cannot learn to be someone else.

I can either be me, or I will become absolutely nobody at all.

I made a promise to myself that I would never do this again.

I will not live in shame for being who I am.

I believe the ultimate journey to security begins with embracing who we are, today. We must embrace our brokenness, embrace our personality, embrace our experiences, embrace our failures, and embrace our strengths.

We must embrace who we are.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in personal growth. I believe in learning from our life experiences and becoming the best “me” that I can be.

But “me” is all there is.

I am never going to wake up and be one of those amazingly sweet, quiet, meek women. It’s just not gonna happen!

BUT, I have learned how to celebrate “them” while still celebrating “me”. There is a need for all of us in the world.

The funny thing is that now I would never choose to be anyone else but me. I appreciate who I am. I am quirky and I am unique. I see the world like no one sees it and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

I wouldn’t change any of my friends either. I absolutely love the differences that we all have. One of the greatest parts of living on this earth is experiencing all of our differences.

How boring would this life be if we were all the same?

Our differences are not something that should bring shame, but celebration.

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I Am Insecure: Part Two {Avoid It and It Goes Away, Right?}

Welcome back to our “I Am Insecure” series! We are happy to have you here! If you are just now joining us, please be sure to check-out week one of our series, Find Your Person, before you read this! You will be glad that you did!

Week Two

 how do we react to our insecurities?

Once upon a time, I had a small leak under my faucet. I didn’t know how to fix it, so I decided to close the cabinet doors and not mess with it. Out of sight, out of mind. Later, I realized the water was beginning to leak out of the cabinet. So I found a rug and placed it in front of the cabinet to absorb the water. It instantly seemed better. Weeks later, I thought the floor might be becoming soft, but I figured it was fine. Months went by and one day, while standing at the sink, I fell through the floor completely. So what did I do? I found a bigger, thicker rug to lay over the hole. Then I stood in front of the sink to make sure that no one would ever come close enough to see the hole.

Growing up, this is how I handled my insecurities...

I avoided them.

If something inside of me made me feel uncomfortable, I tried to hide it. I pushed it down, and it would eventually go away… for a while. When it came back, I would find a new way to cover it.

I viewed my insecurities as a bad thing, because they made me feel vulnerable, and my vulnerability made me feel uncomfortable.

When I felt insecure, I handled it in a variety of ways… At times, I would ignore the feelings and just “wait it out” until I eventually stopped feeling upset. Or sometimes, I would try to convince people that I didn’t care. Other times, I would try to divert attention by getting angry and placing the blame on someone else. “If they would’ve just… I would not have…”  

Now I realize I was looking at it all wrong. I was spending all of my energy covering up my areas of imperfection, and nothing was actually being changed within me.

I have learned that the longer I ignore my insecurities, the larger they become.

I no longer try to hide my insecurities... instead, I challenge myself to deal with them. Whether we deal with them or not, our insecurities are a part of us. When we avoid them, we are missing out on opportunities to grow. It feels unnatural to look at the areas of ourselves that need work, but we must.

I believe that discovering my potential is worth the awkward experience of facing my imperfections. We must learn who we actually are, in all of our glory and in all of our mess.

It is difficult to face our insecurities but funny enough, our choice to accept and confront our insecurity is the very thing that will bring us to security.

WEEK TWO CHALLENGE:

Think about how you view your insecurities. Do you view your insecurities as failures? When you feel insecure, do you address it or deny it? In the past, how have you dealt with situations that have made you feel insecure? Who have you talked to about it?

If you happen to have a moment of insecurity this week, be sure to pay close attention to how you instinctually want to deal with the situation. Don’t forget to touch base with “your person” and discuss all of the things you are learning about yourself!

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The Reason I No Longer Value My Fear

I experienced a lot of fear during the first couple years of my marriage. Getting married made me think of the future ahead and I found myself overwhelmed with all the unknowns that life could bring.

It felt like my responsibility to think of all the possibilities and prepare for them.

Honestly, at first, my fear seemed like a good thing. It felt like my friend. My fear told me to be smart and get prepared for the inevitable doom ahead. It seemed to be protecting me from the bad things to come, but it all became too much, I started to become lost in it.

One night, I had a nightmare that I was going to die the next day, I spent the evening planning my funeral. The following day came and I wasn’t dead, but I knew I was going to die, so I decided to go ahead and have my funeral. I laid in my coffin as people came and I said goodbye to everyone I loved. I will never forget how heavy this dream was. I was absolutely filled with despair. My grief had gripped me.

When I first woke up, I was convinced it was a “sign” that I was going to die soon and I needed to start saying my goodbyes. After processing my dream I had a revelation…

I never died.

I spent the entire dream planning my death, but I never actually died.

*Epiphany*

This was happening in my actual life.

I was worrying, planning and fearing things that were not actually happening. I was losing out on my life while I was imagining my fears. This moment forever changed the way I view my fear. Suddenly, it all seemed clear...

Fear is not my friend.

Fear is not my guide.

Fear is not my protector.

I do not want my fear.

I will not allow fear to rule me.

I will not allow fear to be my god.

I will not baby my fear.

I will not value my fear.

I realize that it is impossible to just stop feeling fear. I know it is so much more complicated than that. But I believe it is vitally important to define our relationship with it. Fear does not protect us, fear steals from us, yet somehow many of us still see it as our friend. Fear is not our friend.

Fear is the thief in our life that keeps us worrying about the “what-if’s” and steals from the “right now’s”.

The “what-if’s” in this life are limitless. If we entertain them, we will have no shortage of horrible things to imagine. When we give respect to our fears, we just get more fear. Fear breeds fear. It will confuse us and eventually consume us.

To say that fear doesn’t affect me anymore would be untrue. Fear still seeks me out, but I no longer respect it. I see fear as the bully it is, always trying to intimidate me from living. Fear wants me to live my life from my coffin. But you know what? I refuse to be taunted out of living this life. I absolutely will not lay in that coffin, until I am forced to.

Do I expect my life to bring me difficulties? Absolutely! When those difficulties come, I will face them… and I will get through them.

I am not suggesting that we live in a fantasy world where no bad things exist, I’m stating that our fear is creating a fantasy land of its own.

We shouldn’t deny the struggle of our reality, we should face the reality in which we live, without adding more difficulty than is actually there.

Our fears are not our reality.

We must stop viewing them as definite predictions of our future and start viewing them for the scare tactic that they are.

Instead of relying on our fears, let’s rely on our hope. The hope that great things are ahead and the hope that we are strong enough to get through the “not so great” things.

Our fears will keep us from loving fully and our fears will keep us from living fully.

if there is one thing that is worth facing my fears for, it is the reward of getting to live and love to my fullest potential. 

How Dare You Offend Me

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In our world today, we have many outlets to share our views. With that comes many opportunities to feel offended by the opinions that we hear. When we are offended, it is easy to make the choice to treat others poorly.

How do we react when we find ourselves offended by the opinions and actions of others?

Have you ever sat back and watched an offended person speak their mind? An offended voice draws in two types of people, the people that strongly agree and strongly disagree. No one is looking to change their own opinion or learn from one another. It’s just two sides, looking to prove their points and for people to agree with them.

When we are offended, we aren’t concerned with finding a resolution. We only care about being right. Interestingly, it feels like we have accomplished something after we go on a rant, but what have we really accomplished? Being offended gives us a false sense of being productive.

We need to clear something up. Merely being offended does not make us right. Being offended simply makes us opinionated. Also, contrary to popular behavior, being offended does not justify us to say whatever we want. It is not noble to have opinions, it is quite easy actually. It is not hard to get defensive. It is not challenging to be angry.

When we are offended, we look down on others who don’t agree with us. May I ask, what makes us right all the time? Being offended isn’t a matter of opinion. Being offended is a matter of pride.

An offended heart says,
“How dare you have a different opinion than me and share it in my presence.”

An offended voice doesn’t bring peace, it brings chaos. Each voice is louder than the next, because that’s what offense does, it escalates emotions and situations.

When disagreeing, some people express themselves more effectively than others. Many people have great things to say but use a horrible delivery system. Some of the most beautiful causes are being lost because of an offended voice. May I suggest that when expressing ourselves, we use our words with kindness, hope, and love? May I suggest that using a tone of intolerance, frustration and annoyance will not bring the change that we are hoping for?

The way we treat people that we disagree with says a lot about our character, I would suggest that it says more about us than our opinions themselves.

The response of an offended man says more about the offended man than the offense.

Over and over, I am told that I should not value a company, a faith, a person, or an opinion because it is different than mine. I’m not suggesting that we stop having opinions. Actually, I believe we should embrace our opinions while respecting theirs.

There are many dividing lines that are being made in the world right now, and everyone is demanding that we pick a side. This is perfectly fine, but I will not stand on a side and call everyone else stupid. I refuse. We all have topics that we are very passionate about, but I believe that how we treat the people on the other side of that line matters.  

We must choose to respect people, even if we cannot relate to them.

Our opinions tell a story of the life that we have lived. They tell of our relationships, our hopes, our hurts, our disappointments and our hardships. Our views are a product of our experiences. We all see the world differently, and that is a beautiful thing.

I want to be able to live alongside people who don’t agree with me. I want to choose to show kindness, even when it’s hard. I will show you respect not because you agree with me, but because I value you.

I have great friends that I completely disagree with on faith, politics, parenting, family, work and many other things in life.

You know what? I don’t care.

I don’t need them to agree with me.

I believe they are living what they think is best for them and their family. Even though I see things differently, I respect their experiences and views. I am not trying to manipulate them to believe the things I believe.

I value them for being them.

I am enjoying them, today, with all of our differences in the way we see the world. Giving them the grace to be where they are, as I hope they are giving to me.

Perhaps the greatest change we can bring to this world is not our opinions, but our love.

Defining My Relationship with Self-Pity

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Taken by Crush Photography by Hannah Brown

For a multitude of reasons, I found myself discouraged this week. I had a sick baby, some disappointments, a touch of rejection and other routine life “stuff”. All week I had a nagging, unwelcome visit from a long-time frenemy, Self-Pity.

{Merriam-Webster defines a frenemy as one who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy.}

Self-Pity and I grew up together and became friends at a young age. I thought we had a true friendship, but the more time I spent with her, the more I realized that she wasn’t my friend.  

She has a way of masking her true intentions. 

Self-Pity always takes my side (which, of course, I love). She constantly says that she only has my interest in mind and that she cares for me and understands me more than anyone else. 

The more time I spend with her, the harder it is for me to be content with anything in my life. I am beyond blessed, but she tells me that I deserve more. What I have, is never enough. In this life, things often don’t go my way and when they don’t, Self-Pity tells me that it is unacceptable. She keeps track of every time that I am wronged and demands that everything in my life should be fair. She tells me that I deserve what I want when I want it. Her goal is to make me a self-centered person who throws a fit if I don’t get my way… every time.

Self-Pity is determined to make me a victim far more often than I actually am one.

She loves to whisper in my ear...

“Poor me, I didn’t get what I wanted.”

“Poor me, I don’t deserve this.”

“Poor me…”

I now respond right back to her…

“I refuse to live my life as a victim.

I am strong.

I am blessed.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for and I will choose to move forward and be appreciative.”

All of us have some level of relationship with Self-Pity. We must take a firm stand against her or she will isolate us. We will end up living in a world that revolves around one person, ourselves. Self-Pity’s ultimate goal is to produce a selfish perception of the world where everything is happening “to us”, even when the situation isn’t about “us” at all. We become blind to the needs of anyone else and lose our ability to love others well. 

This is the only life I get and I refuse to live it as a spoiled brat who is never happy with what I have. No matter how often she tries to tell me differently, Self-pity is not my friend. She is a thief who will take my joy, twist my perceptions and steal from my relationships. 

When she knocks on my door, I tell her to leave, but that doesn’t keep her from knocking again. 

She is relentless, but as am I. 

I take this life seriously and anything that tries to steal from it is not welcome. I will choose gratitude and tell her that I don’t have time for her shit. 

When Being Me Feels Like It's Not Enough

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My sisters from left to right. Sara (my bothers wife, 32), Ivy (24), Haven (12), Me, Hannah (30) and Chloe' (21). This picture is missing Carter's sister, Kristina (27)

From early on in life, we are compared to one another. It is amazing how we naturally begin to measure our value by the people around us.

Growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of very successful people, some of which were my sisters. I have four sisters and two sister-in-laws. They are all gorgeous and extremely talented. Through the years, my sisters have accomplished many wonderful things that I have not.

My older sister, Hannah, was very good at track in high school. She even medaled at state. Both she and my sister, Ivy, were the student body presidents. Ivy ran track in college. She achieved a 4.0 GPA all the way through graduating and is now finishing up her masters.  Chloe played basketball, received the 1,000 career point’s award, and made the All-District team. She made All-District, All-Conference, and All-Region for volleyball, and received a scholarship to play in college. My brother’s wife, Sara, high-jumped and placed nationally on the collegiate level. Carter’s sister, Kristina, is a breathtaking dancer. She started dancing at the age of four, completed a degree in Dance Performance, and continues to teach and choreograph. My youngest sister, Haven, is on the Paralympic emerging swim team and hopes to attend the 2020 Paralympics in Tokyo. 

Having a bunch of ridiculously talented sisters gave me a lot of opportunities to feel insecure. I had to choose how I was going to view their success. 

Was I going to measure my value based on my performance compared to theirs?

Truth is, it is all too easy to try to prove our worth by achieving more; however, measuring ourselves by other people’s accomplishments is problematic. We were never meant to be measured by the bar of their potential. The potential inside of them is completely different than the potential inside of me. It’s not greater or less than, just different. 

When we aren’t confident in who we are, it can suck to watch other people succeed. It can make us feel ashamed and like we have failed to measure up. We may appear confident, but we are actually struggling with our value internally. 

I decided to embrace the fact that my life was going to look different than all of my sisters. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have accomplished all the things they did because I realized that I wasn’t capable of doing what they could. I cannot do what everyone else can. I just can’t. I can do some things really well, but I suck at a whole lot of other things, and that’s ok.

Turns out I can’t be anyone else but me. But, I can be me pretty damn well. 

We all have to make a choice in our lives to embrace who we are and what we have. We can spend our lives trying to prove to the world that we are just as good as everyone else, but any moment spent trying to prove our value is a moment wasted. If we are trying to prove our value, that means we, ourselves, don’t know our worth. 

Our value doesn’t need to be proven, it just needs to be discovered.

It is ok if you have failed to accomplish the same things as those around you. It’s not just ok, it’s expected. You are you and they are them.  Let’s realize the beauty of that. Our differences should not bring shame, but pride. It isn’t in the things we all have in common, but our uniqueness, that will bring change to this world. 

If we cannot learn the beauty of our differences, we will spend our life trying to be something we aren’t. Let’s be determined to embrace ourselves, quirkiness and all.

When My Plans Became My Enemy

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Taken by Crush Photography by Hannah Brown

There is something you need to know about me. I am a recovering list maker, plan constructor, control freak. For most of my life, I have LOVED to have a plan and I did not like it if the plan didn’t go as I expected. The first ten years of Carter’s and my relationship were commonly filled with times that I was angry because circumstances didn’t go as I had hoped.

He told me he would be home at 5:00, but it was actually 5:30. I wanted to have the house COMPLETELY cleaned before the party, but I didn’t have time to get it all done. I was excited for our date, but he didn’t even tell me I looked beautiful. He went to the store, but he forgot to get milk, the one thing I needed him to get. I wanted to be in great shape before the event, yet I never started working out. We were trying to be on time, but we were late, again. I thought he had planned a surprise for our anniversary, but he hadn’t planned anything. I wanted to get everything on my list done, but I couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a complete bitch all of the time, but I would really struggle when things didn’t turn out as I expected. For the past five years, I have experienced a complete transformation in this area of my life.

So how did I ever let go of my tight hold on the plans I had?

First, I found myself in a difficult season of life that I hadn’t planned and I didn’t see coming. Carter had lost his job. I began working more because we had lost our health insurance. We were in the adoption process to adopt our second child, Shepherd, from the DR Congo. (Anyone who has adopted knows that it does not go according to “plan”.) We were experiencing difficulties in several of our close relationships. During this all, we were trying to become adjusted to having our first daughter, Epsie, and staying connected in our marriage.

 Life had handed me situations that I wasn’t expecting, it hadn’t asked for my permission and I didn’t have a plan on how to “handle” it.

Knock. Knock.

Who’s there?

Life and it doesn’t always consider your “plans”.

Another major thing that has taught me to be more adaptable is having children. Kids don’t care about your plans. They don’t care if you’re late, if your house is messy or if you had one more errand to do before they are “done”. Kids have their own plans.  I have realized that my plans of having a “perfect house” with a “perfect family” in a “perfect world” are unrealistic. I was finding myself discontent and when it comes to my kids, I am unwilling to miss out merely because it has turned out to be a different experience than I was expecting.

Now looking back, I realize that I was struggling with feeling disappointed. Once I felt disappointed, I would shut down and push Carter (or anyone else) away because I felt he didn’t care. I slowly began to realize how spoiled I had been acting.

I had a picture of how things should go.

It was my vision and it revolved around one person, me.  

I realize now that I was behaving like a two year old who would throw a fit if I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.

When is the last time your day/night/vacation/date/morning was ruined because it didn’t go the way you were expecting? No matter how hard you try, no matter how well you plan. Life will happen. Time will pass faster than expected. Not everything will get done. People will not behave exactly as you want (nor should they). Your expectations will go unmet and all you will be left with is a choice.

Yes, you have a choice.

I used to tell myself I didn’t have a choice. I was mad and I couldn’t help it, but that wasn’t true. I had a choice and you have a choice, the choice to make the best of our circumstances. As I often tell my kids, “We can’t choose how we feel, but we can choose how we act”. We need to take responsibility for our attitudes and recognize our power to choose.

You have every right to feel disappointed. You can even feel angry. You may very well need to have a conversation with someone about how you are feeling, but then choose to let it go and move on. Choose to make the best of your new circumstances.

A little secret I’ll let you in on…

A beautiful thing happens when we release our anger after not getting our way, we have the opportunity to realize that maybe our plan wasn’t the best all along. If we allow ourselves a moment to be disappointed and then look around, we might see that we have a whole lot to be thankful for and perhaps the only thing keeping us from having the best life is actually ourselves.

Your Life Is Now. Live It Today.

I would like you to do something right now, forget about your present circumstance and forget about your stress. Forget about the past few years that have not gone the way you expected. (Don’t worry we will come back to reality, just go with me for a minute.) Now, let’s go back to a simpler time, a time when you had your whole future ahead of you. You were filled with hope and excitement of the many possibilities ahead.

Stay here for a moment.

Who is this person? What dreams did they have? What kind of person were they to become? What kind of life would they live?

Ok, now come back.

This is it, this is your life.

Welcome to your future.

Are you the person that you always hoped to be? If so, CONGRATULATIONS! That is wonderful and I wish you the best! If not, why? What has kept you from being that person? Are you carrying the hurt from your past? Are you stuck in your history? Perhaps you keep planning to be that person "tomorrow"? Are you distracted? Are you waiting for others to make it happen?

I would like to formally invite you back into your life. I would like to give you the opportunity today to start fresh. It is simple enough to say, but how do we implement a new beginning?

I will leave you with three suggestions:

Forgive.

Nothing will steal your life from you like living in the past. The choice is yours, but I will always recommend forgiveness. Choose healing. Choose to move forward without the hurts of yesterday. At times, the person that is hardest to forgive is ourself. Today is a great day to begin the process.

Hope.

 Hope is costly, but hope is worth it. The moment we stop hoping is the moment that we stop dreaming. Please, don’t stop dreaming. This world needs what you have inside of you.

Be determined.

Be determined to get “unstuck”. Be determined to dream again. Be determined to live again. Stand up and decide that today is the day that you will no longer sit on the sidelines of your life, you are getting back in the game and you will never leave it again. Whether you become tired, sweaty or bloody you are determined to live every minute of this experience fully.

I speak not of a life without difficulty and disappointment. pain and struggling will be present, yet we let it rule us not. Having the life you want will cost you, but it is worth it. If you are expecting it to be easy, it isn’t.  If you are waiting for it to be given to you, you will wait forever because that gift is never coming. Don’t look to live a life without problems, but choose to live life despite them.

Today is the day you can choose to live again.

Make a change.

Decide to heal.

Decide to hope.

Welcome back my friend, how you’ve been missed.

Look in the Mirror and Clearly See

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Have you ever felt discontent with who you are?

Several years ago, I found myself frustrated with my life. Don’t get me wrong, my circumstances were great. I had a wonderful family, great friends, I was a new mom, I was blessed with a job that I enjoyed and I was in a flourishing marriage, yet I felt disappointed with myself.

I wanted to find a way to live content.

I wanted to learn to be ok with who I was.

I wanted to learn how to love me.

I set off on a journey to discover and learn to appreciate who I am. Now, after several years, I have a suggestion for anyone who is longing to become more secure in who you are:

Look in the mirror,

see yourself

and own what you see.

This is harder than it sounds. As I look back, I realize that I have spent a lot of time either running from the mirror or lying about what I saw. Why would I do this? I was filled with pride and fear. Pride kept me blind to the truth of my brokenness and fear kept me ashamed of my imperfections.

It can be so easy to get caught up in lying to ourselves about who we are, but in order to be completely free we must see it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Only after we acknowledge that we have flaws can we begin to attend to them. I didn’t even realize that I had been hiding or denying complete parts of myself.

If we want to truly begin transforming our lives, we must stop thinking that it is unacceptable to have problems, insecurities and brokenness. It is not bad to have “issues”, it is human. The sad thing is that we are all walking around trying to be “perfect”, when in reality, we all have major shit we are working through.

Embrace the real you.

Embrace the truth of who you are, in all its beauty and in all of its ugliness. Embrace that you are a person filled with many aspects: wonderful things, embarrassing things, strengths, weaknesses and brokenness. Embrace your current self, embrace who you have been and embrace who you will be.

I was struggling with being secure because I wasn’t acknowledging who I was. My instincts told me that if I wasn’t perfect then I would lose my value; instead, I found the opposite to be true. Only in being genuine and embracing who I truly am, have I been able to find security.

Once we learn how to accept who we are, flaws and all, we learn something extremely powerful, to love without the premise of perfection.  I have learned the life changing ability to love something that is a work in progress, myself. Even better, I no longer expect others to be perfect. I have thrown away the bar of “performance & expectations” in which I used to measure people’s value. I have finally tapped into the truth that value is not in having a perfect reflection, but being a person, which is of great value.

Don’t let the fear of imperfections keep you from growing. Own your brokenness and own your beauty, they are both very present within you and that is more than ok, that is human. This life just goes by too fast for not knowing yourself.

Embrace right where you are today, give yourself grace to be broken and then become determined to begin the journey to healing.