REDEMPTION UNVEILED
I Am Insecure: Part Four {Embracing Who I Am}
Through my life, I have had different seasons that I have struggled with who I am. I will never forget a few years into our marriage, I got into a funk...
Through my life, I have had different seasons that I have struggled with who I am. I will never forget a few years into our marriage, I got into a funk.
Carter and I were meeting monthly with a small group of married friends. It just so happened, that each of these couples was made up of quieter wives and more outspoken husbands.
I began to compare myself to the other women and I made the observation that I was much more outspoken than they were. At first, I didn’t think much of it. But, eventually, it started to really bother me. They seemed so sweet and beautifully humble.
A voice in my head began to tell me that they were “right” and I was “wrong”.
Not in our opinions, just in our existence.
This feeling continued to grow. I began to feel this way, not only when I was with this group, but all of the time. So, I decided within myself that I would change. I would learn to be someone else. I became determined to be more like them.
This was a really sad time of my life. I felt lonely. I felt like something was wrong with who I was. I felt ashamed. Everyone around me seemed to have it all together. Why couldn’t I be like them?
I tried my hardest to change who I was, but after several months of failing miserably, I came to the realization that I couldn’t be “them”.
During this period, I learned a very real truth.
Who I am is who I am.
I cannot learn to be someone else.
I can either be me, or I will become absolutely nobody at all.
I made a promise to myself that I would never do this again.
I will not live in shame for being who I am.
I believe the ultimate journey to security begins with embracing who we are, today. We must embrace our brokenness, embrace our personality, embrace our experiences, embrace our failures, and embrace our strengths.
We must embrace who we are.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in personal growth. I believe in learning from our life experiences and becoming the best “me” that I can be.
But “me” is all there is.
I am never going to wake up and be one of those amazingly sweet, quiet, meek women. It’s just not gonna happen!
BUT, I have learned how to celebrate “them” while still celebrating “me”. There is a need for all of us in the world.
The funny thing is that now I would never choose to be anyone else but me. I appreciate who I am. I am quirky and I am unique. I see the world like no one sees it and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
I wouldn’t change any of my friends either. I absolutely love the differences that we all have. One of the greatest parts of living on this earth is experiencing all of our differences.
How boring would this life be if we were all the same?
Our differences are not something that should bring shame, but celebration.
DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!
I Am Insecure: Part Three {Rejection Sucks}
Welcome back to our series on insecurity! Part One, we talked about finding “our person” and Part Two, we discussed not avoiding our insecurity. We touched on it in Part One, but this week, we are going to further discuss the fear and risk of rejection when we are honest about our insecurities.
Rejection sucks.I hate it.
This is where all of this “talk” about insecurities becomes very difficult. In a perfect world, I would simply say…
Like my shirt? Order yours at heart2heart.king@gmail.com
Welcome back to our series on insecurity! Part One, we talked about finding “our person” and Part Two, we discussed facing our insecurity. We touched on it in Part One, but this week, we are going to further discuss the fear and risk of rejection when we are honest about our insecurities.
Rejection sucks.
I hate it.
This is where all of this “talk” about insecurities becomes very difficult. In a perfect world, I would simply say…
“Let’s choose to confront our insecurities and talk them out with someone in our life. Let’s talk with our dad… wife… sister… or friend… and tell them everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don’t worry, they will love us because that is what love does. Love loves despite imperfection and regardless of failure.”
However, we all know that it is not that simple.
Being rejected by someone we trust is heart wrenching. These are the moments that we expected unconditional love, but we didn’t receive it. They told us they would never leave us... but they did. We opened up to them only to have them tell us that we weren’t worth loving.
The times that we long to be chosen, but aren’t, can be some of the most powerful experiences in our lives.
I am convinced that our experiences with rejection greatly shape how we live. Rejection alters the way we see ourselves and our imperfections.
Rejection tries to define us as "unworthy to love" in our current condition.
If you struggle being honest about your internal struggles, start small. Find someone you trust and risk rejection. It is not necessary to tell everyone in your life every insecurity you have. Start by telling just one person and then see if you feel the need to talk to anyone else. Keeping it more private allows you to be able focus on healing and not on everyone’s differing perceptions and opinions.
If you have had repeated rejection by those who are close to you, I might recommend reaching out to a counselor to help you take wise & personalized steps as you open yourself back up to vulnerability.
Rejection sucks, but there is something that I believe sucks greater than rejection.
Loneliness.
I have learned through the years that keeping up the appearance of perfection is quite exhausting and lonely. I fail to see the point in living a life that isn’t lived to the fullest, honestly and authentically. We either learn to let people into our vulnerable places, or we live a life of pretending to be something we aren't.
I want to be chosen, but I want to be chosen for who I really am.
I wish, with all of my heart and soul that I could tell you that you will be loved in this life no matter what, but I can’t. Unfortunately, in this world, love is often very conditional. Things would be so much simpler if love never failed, but it often does fail, because love is only as foolproof as the people giving it… and people fail.
Rejection sucks, but experiencing unconditional love is more than worth the risk. Some of the most meaningful experiences of my life thus far are the moments that someone has chosen to love me in my imperfections and failure.
I will never forget the times that I have sat down, defeated, broken-hearted and ashamed, looked into the eyes across from me and heard the words,
“I love you still”.
DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!
I Am Insecure: Part Two {Avoid It and It Goes Away, Right?}
Welcome back to our “I Am Insecure” series! We are happy to have you here! If you are just now joining us, please be sure to check-out week one of our series, Find Your Person, before you read this! You will be glad that you did!
Week Two how do we react to our insecurities?...
Welcome back to our “I Am Insecure” series! We are happy to have you here! If you are just now joining us, please be sure to check-out week one of our series, Find Your Person, before you read this! You will be glad that you did!
Week Two
how do we react to our insecurities?
Once upon a time, I had a small leak under my faucet. I didn’t know how to fix it, so I decided to close the cabinet doors and not mess with it. Out of sight, out of mind. Later, I realized the water was beginning to leak out of the cabinet. So I found a rug and placed it in front of the cabinet to absorb the water. It instantly seemed better. Weeks later, I thought the floor might be becoming soft, but I figured it was fine. Months went by and one day, while standing at the sink, I fell through the floor completely. So what did I do? I found a bigger, thicker rug to lay over the hole. Then I stood in front of the sink to make sure that no one would ever come close enough to see the hole.
Growing up, this is how I handled my insecurities...
I avoided them.
If something inside of me made me feel uncomfortable, I tried to hide it. I pushed it down, and it would eventually go away… for a while. When it came back, I would find a new way to cover it.
I viewed my insecurities as a bad thing, because they made me feel vulnerable, and my vulnerability made me feel uncomfortable.
When I felt insecure, I handled it in a variety of ways… At times, I would ignore the feelings and just “wait it out” until I eventually stopped feeling upset. Or sometimes, I would try to convince people that I didn’t care. Other times, I would try to divert attention by getting angry and placing the blame on someone else. “If they would’ve just… I would not have…”
Now I realize I was looking at it all wrong. I was spending all of my energy covering up my areas of imperfection, and nothing was actually being changed within me.
I have learned that the longer I ignore my insecurities, the larger they become.
I no longer try to hide my insecurities... instead, I challenge myself to deal with them. Whether we deal with them or not, our insecurities are a part of us. When we avoid them, we are missing out on opportunities to grow. It feels unnatural to look at the areas of ourselves that need work, but we must.
I believe that discovering my potential is worth the awkward experience of facing my imperfections. We must learn who we actually are, in all of our glory and in all of our mess.
It is difficult to face our insecurities but funny enough, our choice to accept and confront our insecurity is the very thing that will bring us to security.
WEEK TWO CHALLENGE:
Think about how you view your insecurities. Do you view your insecurities as failures? When you feel insecure, do you address it or deny it? In the past, how have you dealt with situations that have made you feel insecure? Who have you talked to about it?
If you happen to have a moment of insecurity this week, be sure to pay close attention to how you instinctually want to deal with the situation. Don’t forget to touch base with “your person” and discuss all of the things you are learning about yourself!
PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!
DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!
I Am Insecure: Part One {Find Your Person}
Most of us think of people as being secure or insecure. I don’t believe that some people are secure and some people are insecure. I believe that we are ALL, both, insecure and secure. It just depends on the moment.
I am insecure. I am unsure. I doubt who I am, what I do and what I say. I feel like I get it wrong too often. I fall short more than I would like.
I am insecure.
No, not at this moment. At this moment, I am fine. I am confident. At this moment, I am secure, but maybe not the next or the one after that....
Most of us think of people as being secure or insecure. I don’t believe that some people are secure and some people are insecure. I believe that we are ALL, both, insecure and secure. It just depends on the moment.
I am insecure. I am unsure. I doubt who I am, what I do and what I say. I feel like I get it wrong too often. I fall short more than I would like.
I am insecure.
No, not at this moment. At this moment, I am fine. I am confident. At this moment, I am secure, but maybe not the next or the one after that.
Today, I want to tell you that it is ok to have areas within yourself that are insecure. We are not perfect and that’s ok. I am a work in progress and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
I don’t believe we should necessarily embrace our insecurities, and I don’t believe we should deny them either. I do believe we should accept them.
Only when we accept that we are a work in progress, will we begin to make progress.
For the next four weeks, I am going to challenge each one of us to look at ourselves and accept our insecurities. We will take risks and as we do, we will heal.
Week One
“Find yOUR pERSON”
Our insecurities often keep us isolated. We all have ugliness inside of us, and many of us spend our lives trying to hide it. Not because we are malicious or liars, but because we want to be loved.
Many of us fear that people will figure out that we have MAJOR shit and leave us, which is very scary.
How do we combat this fear? Simple. We tell people (not everyone, but “our people”) about our shit. You see, if we tell people about our shit, we don’t have to be scared that they will find out (because we have already told them).
Your challenge for this week is to find at least one person that you would be willing to share your “ugly” with. Over the next few weeks, you will be talking to this person about the things you are learning about yourself. This person will encourage you. They will not shame you for being a work in progress. (Don’t know what to say? No worries. Have them read this and then say, “Will you be my person?”)
This is a vital, most important, extremely essential step to growing in our security. As we discover things about ourselves, we will need support. Trust me.
You may have one person or maybe you have three. We are looking for quality, here, over quantity. This could be your mom, your boyfriend, your wife, your aunt, your dad, your husband, a sibling, your counselor or a friend.
Some of you instantly know who “your people” are, and for some of you this will be a challenge. Think it through, but I hope you can think of at least one person.
(IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not choose someone just because they “should” be a safe place for you. Unfortunately, there are people that cannot be trusted with our insecurities. Who has shown that they are there for you? Think about it this way, if something horrible happened to you today, who would be the first person you would call? This will be someone who gives you comfort, peace and guidance.)
When we doubt who we are, we need someone there to remind us that we have great value, that even when we fail we are worthy of love. The people who love us can help guide us. They can show us love when we can’t show it to ourselves.
“Our people” are our team, our tribe, they are our warriors. They will fight with us, stand with us, lift us up and cheer us on. They will be with us and help us as we transform our “ugly” into beauty. They know we are awesome, believe in our potential and see that we are growing each day.
None of us want to fail, but we will. I know it sounds crazy, but I suggest that we invite “our people” into our failure. I am suggesting that we make ourselves vulnerable. It is scary to be vulnerable, but we must.
Let’s face our fears of rejection and failure and tell them they don’t control us. That’s right, over the next four weeks, we are going to face our fears, and all the while we are going to give our fears the middle finger. (Insert middle finger emoji.)
Let’s not live our life isolated merely because our fears intimidate us. Let’s turn the tables, choose freedom and cause our fears to be intimidated by us.
Click here for week two of our challenge!
DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!
The Reason I No Longer Value My Fear
I experienced a lot of fear during the first couple years of my marriage. Getting married made me think of the future ahead and I found myself overwhelmed with all the unknowns that life could bring. It felt like my responsibility to think of all the possibilities and prepare for them. Honestly, at first, my fear seemed like a good thing. It felt like my friend. My fear told me to be smart and get prepared for the inevitable doom ahead. It seemed to be protecting me from the bad things to come, but it all became too much, I started to become lost in it...
I experienced a lot of fear during the first couple years of my marriage. Getting married made me think of the future ahead and I found myself overwhelmed with all the unknowns that life could bring.
It felt like my responsibility to think of all the possibilities and prepare for them.
Honestly, at first, my fear seemed like a good thing. It felt like my friend. My fear told me to be smart and get prepared for the inevitable doom ahead. It seemed to be protecting me from the bad things to come, but it all became too much, I started to become lost in it.
One night, I had a nightmare that I was going to die the next day, I spent the evening planning my funeral. The following day came and I wasn’t dead, but I knew I was going to die, so I decided to go ahead and have my funeral. I laid in my coffin as people came and I said goodbye to everyone I loved. I will never forget how heavy this dream was. I was absolutely filled with despair. My grief had gripped me.
When I first woke up, I was convinced it was a “sign” that I was going to die soon and I needed to start saying my goodbyes. After processing my dream I had a revelation…
I never died.
I spent the entire dream planning my death, but I never actually died.
*Epiphany*
This was happening in my actual life.
I was worrying, planning and fearing things that were not actually happening. I was losing out on my life while I was imagining my fears. This moment forever changed the way I view my fear. Suddenly, it all seemed clear...
Fear is not my friend.
Fear is not my guide.
Fear is not my protector.
I do not want my fear.
I will not allow fear to rule me.
I will not allow fear to be my god.
I will not baby my fear.
I will not value my fear.
I realize that it is impossible to just stop feeling fear. I know it is so much more complicated than that. But I believe it is vitally important to define our relationship with it. Fear does not protect us, fear steals from us, yet somehow many of us still see it as our friend. Fear is not our friend.
Fear is the thief in our life that keeps us worrying about the “what-if’s” and steals from the “right now’s”.
The “what-if’s” in this life are limitless. If we entertain them, we will have no shortage of horrible things to imagine. When we give respect to our fears, we just get more fear. Fear breeds fear. It will confuse us and eventually consume us.
To say that fear doesn’t affect me anymore would be untrue. Fear still seeks me out, but I no longer respect it. I see fear as the bully it is, always trying to intimidate me from living. Fear wants me to live my life from my coffin. But you know what? I refuse to be taunted out of living this life. I absolutely will not lay in that coffin, until I am forced to.
Do I expect my life to bring me difficulties? Absolutely! When those difficulties come, I will face them… and I will get through them.
I am not suggesting that we live in a fantasy world where no bad things exist, I’m stating that our fear is creating a fantasy land of its own.
We shouldn’t deny the struggle of our reality, we should face the reality in which we live, without adding more difficulty than is actually there.
Our fears are not our reality.
We must stop viewing them as definite predictions of our future and start viewing them for the scare tactic that they are.
Instead of relying on our fears, let’s rely on our hope. The hope that great things are ahead and the hope that we are strong enough to get through the “not so great” things.
Our fears will keep us from loving fully and our fears will keep us from living fully.
if there is one thing that is worth facing my fears for, it is the reward of getting to live and love to my fullest potential.
My Husband Is Not the Enemy
In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them...
In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them.
“Marriage is hard,” they said and “it takes a lot of work”.
Ok?
That seemed fairly straightforward.
Before I was married and someone told me this, I thought of marriage as a challenge. The odds were against us, but if we just stayed focused and worked hard, we would win.
Marriage is hard, yes, but I don’t think “hard” is the best description of marriage.
I think a better word for marriage is confusing.
Sure, during the difficult days, it can be hard to do the right thing. But, more often than that, I think the hard thing is figuring out what is the "right thing".
Do I stand up for myself? Do I need to let this go? Do I just lie and say that I am fine? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Am I over-reacting? Am I under-reacting? Is this normal? Do all spouses feel like this? Are we the only marriage going through this?
It can all be very unclear.
When we said our vows, we pledged to be on one another’s team, always and forever. It seemed so simple. I knew the world would bring difficulties, but I never thought I would question if Carter was for me or against me. We vowed to fight this fight together, but I didn’t anticipate how natural it would be to end up on opposite sides of the ring.
During difficult times, it is so easy to feel hurt and let down when our partner hasn’t stepped up in ways that we hoped they would. We thought they would be there to support us, protect us and care for us, but they weren’t. Most surprising, are the times when our spouse has not only disappointed us, but they have been the one’s to deliver the painful punch to our gut.
When we feel hurt by one another, it is natural to go on the defensive and start jabbing at one another. We know we shouldn’t, but it is easy not to care. We want to win and we want them to pay for hurting us. When we fight against one another, we both end up bloody and defeated. No one wins.
I wish someone would’ve told me that there would be moments that I wasn’t sure if Carter was for me or against me.
I wish someone would’ve told me that I would feel confused in my marriage.
I wish someone would’ve told me that I would doubt him and at times, I would doubt “us”.
There are an unlimited amount of things in this life that cause stress in a marriage, but I am convinced that nothing has the ability to tear us apart unless we begin to view one another as the enemy. If we want to make it through life with our marriage intact, the greatest challenge and utmost priority is to continually choose to be on one another’s team.
Marriage isn’t just about experiencing love. Marriage is about experiencing life and experiencing it all with a partner by your side. Carter is my person. He is the one I chose almost fifteen years ago and have continued to do so repeatedly.
So yes, marriage is hard, but the hardest part of marriage is how exhausting it can feel to make the same choice over and over…the choice to choose one another.
Some days that choice is easy, and some days that choice is hard, but every day that choice is worth it.
Own Your Hate and Bitterness. They Are Yours.
This world can be a very difficult place to live. No matter how hard we try to keep ourselves from pain, it seems there is no way to escape getting hurt in this life. There are times that it can seem simpler to overlook situations that cause us pain, but I believe it is essential that we understand our hurts and our brokenness. In every situation, we are offered time to be wounded. It is essential that we allow ourselves this time and the grace to be hurt and broken. However, our hurts won’t stay “hurts” forever, they change. Our brokenness that is left unattended will become bitterness, and our hurt that is left unaddressed will become hate...
This world can be a very difficult place to live. No matter how hard we try to keep ourselves from pain, it seems there is no way to escape from getting hurt in this life. There are times that it can seem simpler to overlook situations that cause us pain, but we must face them. It is essential that we understand our hurts and our brokenness.
In every situation, we are offered time to be wounded. It is necessary that we allow ourselves this time and the grace to be hurt and broken. However, our hurts won’t stay “hurts” forever, they change.
Our brokenness that is left unattended will become bitterness.
Our hurt that is left unaddressed will become hate.
One day, we will wake up and the opportunity to begin the healing process will present itself. At that moment, we will have a choice. If we choose not to begin the journey to be healed, we will begin the journey to hate.
None of us can escape the pain of this life. Sometimes pain comes as a huge defining moment of betrayal, and at other times, it is small repeated rejections. The principal is the same whether small or large. We have the choice to release and heal, or hold on and hate.
We do not choose our pain, but we do choose what we do with it. Once we are no longer hurting, but hating and no longer broken, but bitter we must own our current condition. This is the choice we make when we choose not to let go, but to hold on. This is the choice we make when we choose not to forgive. Hate and Bitterness are our consequence for not choosing to be healed from our pain.
When we choose to heal we aren’t saying that we are ok with how we were treated. We are saying that we are unwilling to let what happened to us define who we are.
Sometimes it can feel like we have a right to our hate. That we have earned it because of what we have been through. But do we really want our hate and everything it will give us? You see, hate is not content to stay stagnate. Hate demands control. Our hate will change us. It will make us people we never intended to be.
Sometimes this life just sucks. We as people have the capacity to make both, horrible mistakes and horrible choices. We hurt one another both, unintentionally and intentionally.
People can hurt us and cause us pain, but no one has the ability to make us hateful or bitter. We hold the keys to our souls. What we do with the hurt, pain and brokenness is up to us. We get the final say. The days of blaming our hate on other people need to be over. We must own who we are.
I beg you, my friend, not because they deserve your forgiveness,
but because you deserve your healing.
Let it go.
Seek counsel, forgive and find healing.
How Dare You Offend Me
In our world today, we have many outlets to share our views. With that comes many opportunities to feel offended by the opinions that we hear. When we are offended, it is easy to make the choice to treat others poorly.
How do we react when we find ourselves offended by the opinions and actions of others?...
In our world today, we have many outlets to share our views. With that comes many opportunities to feel offended by the opinions that we hear. When we are offended, it is easy to make the choice to treat others poorly.
How do we react when we find ourselves offended by the opinions and actions of others?
Have you ever sat back and watched an offended person speak their mind? An offended voice draws in two types of people, the people that strongly agree and strongly disagree. No one is looking to change their own opinion or learn from one another. It’s just two sides, looking to prove their points and for people to agree with them.
When we are offended, we aren’t concerned with finding a resolution. We only care about being right. Interestingly, it feels like we have accomplished something after we go on a rant, but what have we really accomplished? Being offended gives us a false sense of being productive.
We need to clear something up. Merely being offended does not make us right. Being offended simply makes us opinionated. Also, contrary to popular behavior, being offended does not justify us to say whatever we want. It is not noble to have opinions, it is quite easy actually. It is not hard to get defensive. It is not challenging to be angry.
When we are offended, we look down on others who don’t agree with us. May I ask, what makes us right all the time? Being offended isn’t a matter of opinion. Being offended is a matter of pride.
An offended heart says,
“How dare you have a different opinion than me and share it in my presence.”
An offended voice doesn’t bring peace, it brings chaos. Each voice is louder than the next, because that’s what offense does, it escalates emotions and situations.
When disagreeing, some people express themselves more effectively than others. Many people have great things to say but use a horrible delivery system. Some of the most beautiful causes are being lost because of an offended voice. May I suggest that when expressing ourselves, we use our words with kindness, hope, and love? May I suggest that using a tone of intolerance, frustration and annoyance will not bring the change that we are hoping for?
The way we treat people that we disagree with says a lot about our character, I would suggest that it says more about us than our opinions themselves.
The response of an offended man says more about the offended man than the offense.
Over and over, I am told that I should not value a company, a faith, a person, or an opinion because it is different than mine. I’m not suggesting that we stop having opinions. Actually, I believe we should embrace our opinions while respecting theirs.
There are many dividing lines that are being made in the world right now, and everyone is demanding that we pick a side. This is perfectly fine, but I will not stand on a side and call everyone else stupid. I refuse. We all have topics that we are very passionate about, but I believe that how we treat the people on the other side of that line matters.
We must choose to respect people, even if we cannot relate to them.
Our opinions tell a story of the life that we have lived. They tell of our relationships, our hopes, our hurts, our disappointments and our hardships. Our views are a product of our experiences. We all see the world differently, and that is a beautiful thing.
I want to be able to live alongside people who don’t agree with me. I want to choose to show kindness, even when it’s hard. I will show you respect not because you agree with me, but because I value you.
I have great friends that I completely disagree with on faith, politics, parenting, family, work and many other things in life.
You know what? I don’t care.
I don’t need them to agree with me.
I believe they are living what they think is best for them and their family. Even though I see things differently, I respect their experiences and views. I am not trying to manipulate them to believe the things I believe.
I value them for being them.
I am enjoying them, today, with all of our differences in the way we see the world. Giving them the grace to be where they are, as I hope they are giving to me.
Perhaps the greatest change we can bring to this world is not our opinions, but our love.
Defining My Relationship with Self-Pity
For a multitude of reasons, I found myself discouraged this week. I had a sick baby, some disappointments, a touch of rejection and other routine life “stuff”. All week I had a nagging, unwelcome visit from a long-time frenemy, Self-Pity.
Self-Pity and I grew up together and became friends at a young age. I thought we had a true friendship, but the more time I spent with her, the more I realized that she wasn’t my friend.
She has a way of masking her true intentions...
For a multitude of reasons, I found myself discouraged this week. I had a sick baby, some disappointments, a touch of rejection and other routine life “stuff”. All week I had a nagging, unwelcome visit from a long-time frenemy, Self-Pity.
{Merriam-Webster defines a frenemy as one who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy.}
Self-Pity and I grew up together and became friends at a young age. I thought we had a true friendship, but the more time I spent with her, the more I realized that she wasn’t my friend.
She has a way of masking her true intentions.
Self-Pity always takes my side (which, of course, I love). She constantly says that she only has my interest in mind and that she cares for me and understands me more than anyone else.
The more time I spend with her, the harder it is for me to be content with anything in my life. I am beyond blessed, but she tells me that I deserve more. What I have, is never enough. In this life, things often don’t go my way and when they don’t, Self-Pity tells me that it is unacceptable. She keeps track of every time that I am wronged and demands that everything in my life should be fair. She tells me that I deserve what I want when I want it. Her goal is to make me a self-centered person who throws a fit if I don’t get my way… every time.
Self-Pity is determined to make me a victim far more often than I actually am one.
She loves to whisper in my ear...
“Poor me, I didn’t get what I wanted.”
“Poor me, I don’t deserve this.”
“Poor me…”
I now respond right back to her…
“I refuse to live my life as a victim.
I am strong.
I am blessed.
I have a lot of things to be thankful for and I will choose to move forward and be appreciative.”
All of us have some level of relationship with Self-Pity. We must take a firm stand against her or she will isolate us. We will end up living in a world that revolves around one person, ourselves. Self-Pity’s ultimate goal is to produce a selfish perception of the world where everything is happening “to us”, even when the situation isn’t about “us” at all. We become blind to the needs of anyone else and lose our ability to love others well.
This is the only life I get and I refuse to live it as a spoiled brat who is never happy with what I have. No matter how often she tries to tell me differently, Self-pity is not my friend. She is a thief who will take my joy, twist my perceptions and steal from my relationships.
When she knocks on my door, I tell her to leave, but that doesn’t keep her from knocking again.
She is relentless, but as am I.
I take this life seriously and anything that tries to steal from it is not welcome. I will choose gratitude and tell her that I don’t have time for her shit.
When Being Me Feels Like It's Not Enough
From early on in life, we are compared to one another. It is amazing how we naturally begin to measure our value by the people around us.
Growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of very successful people, some of which were my sisters. I have four sisters and two sister-in-laws. They are all gorgeous and extremely talented. Through the years, my sisters have accomplished many wonderful things that I have not...
From early on in life, we are compared to one another. It is amazing how we naturally begin to measure our value by the people around us.
Growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of very successful people, some of which were my sisters. I have four sisters and two sister-in-laws. They are all gorgeous and extremely talented. Through the years, my sisters have accomplished many wonderful things that I have not.
My older sister, Hannah, was very good at track in high school. She even medaled at state. Both she and my sister, Ivy, were the student body presidents. Ivy ran track in college. She achieved a 4.0 GPA all the way through graduating and is now finishing up her masters. Chloe played basketball, received the 1,000 career point’s award, and made the All-District team. She made All-District, All-Conference, and All-Region for volleyball, and received a scholarship to play in college. My brother’s wife, Sara, high-jumped and placed nationally on the collegiate level. Carter’s sister, Kristina, is a breathtaking dancer. She started dancing at the age of four, completed a degree in Dance Performance, and continues to teach and choreograph. My youngest sister, Haven, is on the Paralympic emerging swim team and hopes to attend the 2020 Paralympics in Tokyo.
Having a bunch of ridiculously talented sisters gave me a lot of opportunities to feel insecure. I had to choose how I was going to view their success.
Was I going to measure my value based on my performance compared to theirs?
Truth is, it is all too easy to try to prove our worth by achieving more; however, measuring ourselves by other people’s accomplishments is problematic. We were never meant to be measured by the bar of their potential. The potential inside of them is completely different than the potential inside of me. It’s not greater or less than, just different.
When we aren’t confident in who we are, it can suck to watch other people succeed. It can make us feel ashamed and like we have failed to measure up. We may appear confident, but we are actually struggling with our value internally.
I decided to embrace the fact that my life was going to look different than all of my sisters. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have accomplished all the things they did because I realized that I wasn’t capable of doing what they could. I cannot do what everyone else can. I just can’t. I can do some things really well, but I suck at a whole lot of other things, and that’s ok.
Turns out I can’t be anyone else but me. But, I can be me pretty damn well.
We all have to make a choice in our lives to embrace who we are and what we have. We can spend our lives trying to prove to the world that we are just as good as everyone else, but any moment spent trying to prove our value is a moment wasted. If we are trying to prove our value, that means we, ourselves, don’t know our worth.
Our value doesn’t need to be proven, it just needs to be discovered.
It is ok if you have failed to accomplish the same things as those around you. It’s not just ok, it’s expected. You are you and they are them. Let’s realize the beauty of that. Our differences should not bring shame, but pride. It isn’t in the things we all have in common, but our uniqueness, that will bring change to this world.
If we cannot learn the beauty of our differences, we will spend our life trying to be something we aren’t. Let’s be determined to embrace ourselves, quirkiness and all.
I Wasn't Lucky to Fall in Love
I love Carter more today than ever before, this is our fifteenth Valentine’s Day together and I still get excited to spend it with him. Our life together has been an adventure. We have traveled the world, had three children and are planning more, we laugh often, value one another, we have accomplished many of our dreams and have many more on the list! Life together is exciting.
People sometimes say how lucky we are to have such a great relationship. In one sense I understand that they are saying we are fortunate and blessed (which we are), but luck has nothing to do with the relationship that we have...
I love Carter more today than ever before, this is our fifteenth Valentine’s Day together and I still get excited to spend it with him. Our life together has been an adventure. We have traveled the world, had three children and are planning more, we laugh often, value one another, we have accomplished many of our dreams and have many more on the list! Life together is exciting.
People sometimes say how lucky we are to have such a great relationship. In one sense I understand that they are saying we are fortunate and blessed (which we are), but luck has nothing to do with the relationship that we have.
Carter asked me to be his girlfriend at fourteen, FOURTEEN!
We dated all through high school, we got serious and began to make choices to invest in our relationship. We missed out on a lot of things in high school because of our relationship. We got married at nineteen. I shouldn’t have to tell anyone that getting married at nineteen comes with a lot of sacrifices. I worked full time, so that Carter could finish his Accounting degree, which he did. Most days we were doing boring, married things while our friends were living it up at their universities. After graduating, Carter had a very stressful job which was a difficult time for us both. Five years after we got married we started having children, which was wonderful, but also required us to work harder on keeping our relationship connected. Later, we decided it would be a good time for him to take his CPA, which meant me handling the home more on my own as he studied and took tests over several months.
For the majority of moments in our relationship we do feel love for one another. Most moments are peaceful and joyous, but we also have moments where we feel anger, heartbreak, disappointment, betrayal, annoyance, inadequacy, frustration or a hundred other feelings that don’t feel like love.
The problem with believing that love is a feeling is that you will think that love has left you when the feeling leaves you.
Love isn’t a feeling. Love is a choice.
The last fifteen years have been filled with both of us sacrificing for and investing in one another. Fifteen years… and you know what? I see no end in sight. We will never come to a place that our relationship doesn’t take effort and focus. Ever.
Tomorrow if I wake up and decide to stop investing in us, there probably wouldn’t be an “us” by next Valentine’s Day.
We must get it out of our head that perfection is on the other side of marriage. Perfection is not on the other side of marriage, but investment is.
Finding love is great, but finding love doesn’t equal staying in love.
Long lasting love is not found.
it is learned
and it is chosen, over and over.
Carter and I have had a lot of great, easy and fun times in our life together, but when I look back at our journey, some of the most precious moments are the ones that weren’t the most enjoyable. I am most proud of the moments that we have looked into one another’s eyes and worked through a disagreement. I value the times that we have swallowed our pride and chosen to prioritize the other. I cherish the times we have discussed our greatest fears or our greatest regrets. I treasure the times that we have chose to listen, even when it hurts and we have forgiven, even when we didn’t want to.
Don’t believe the lie that you fall under the spell of love.
love isn’t a magical force, it is a deliberate choice.
Are We Handling the Internet or Is It Handling Us?
The internet has completely changed the world that we live in. It has given us a place that we can be completely free and unrestricted. It comes with unlimited choices and I wonder how we are handling this freedom. Can any of us possibly comprehend how the internet and social media are affecting our society?...
The internet has completely changed the world that we live in. It has given us a place that we can be completely free and unrestricted. It comes with unlimited choices and I wonder how we are handling this freedom. Can any of us possibly comprehend how the internet and social media are affecting our society?
I wonder if we realize a beautiful Instagram account, profile picture or blog post is not what makes our life beautiful. Have we become consumed with how our life appears and not so concerned with the reality of who we are? Perhaps we are measuring our self-worth by how many “likes” and “followers” we have. Could it be possible that we know how to present a perfect selfie, but don’t know how to love ourselves?
I wonder how many of us struggle with loving who we are without a filter.
I wonder how often we feel disappointed with our lives after seeing how great our “friends” have it. Do we feel that we don’t measure up to everyone else? How often do we feel like we are missing out? We are exposed to so much on social media, it is impossible not to have feelings about what we see. I wonder how many afternoons we have spent upset or mad because of something we have seen on our Facebook or Instagram. How much drama are we adding to our life by being so engaged online?
Social media is crazy because we can instantly share information with our closest friends and our most distant acquaintances. There are times that we choose to confide in our Facebook family before our actual family. How often do we share a status to the world, when perhaps we should be calling a friend?
What about the internet makes us believe that we can say whatever we think? So many people have been affected by bullying online, and it seems too easy to pour out hate. It would be wise to think twice before we type out our entitled opinions.
Social media, texting and sexting is changing our relationships. Do we realize that love is not merely about a romantic text, a cute picture or a sweet Facebook post? I wonder how many people can write the romantic words, but struggle to actually live in love. It would be interesting to know how many secret texts and messages have been sent, because our culture says it isn’t cheating until its sex. It is growing more common for women to send nude pictures to interested men; unfortunately, she often finds that she is only another model for his collection.
I wonder how our kids are being affected by growing up in this world of constant performance and comparison. So many are struggling with anxiety and depression. Perhaps they don’t feel they measure up to the standard that has been set. It is growing more and more common for nude pictures to be traded amongst our youth. Great kids, making big choices, because they can. I wonder how many parents recognize that our kids know their way around a phone and have downloaded apps to cover their tracks. The kids that don’t take part are often pressured or bullied. We have wonderful kids that are being bombarded with pressures and many of them are drowning in them.
Do we expect our children to possess a discipline that most adults don’t have?
Many men, young and old, are trapped in the obsession of the images they can access online. Crazy enough, many men would rather look at a picture on a screen instead of touching the living, breathing woman in his bed.
I wonder how many secret lives are being lived, because society says that “if no one knows, it’s not happening.”
Could the time we are spending in our virtual world be stealing from our actual life? I wonder how many of us realize the life we are living and the life we are losing.
It does not surprise me at all that we are struggling to handle the freedom we have been given. What does surprise me is what seems to be a lack of desire to bring forth change. It surprises me that we don’t have more women speaking out about the pressures of feeling inadequate and that men haven’t begun to stand up and speak truthfully about how the world of unlimited imagery is affecting them. It surprises me that more parents are not getting educated with the world their children are growing up in.
Social media and the internet are not going anywhere. Let’s take charge. Let’s use all the technology we have to connect us better, equip us more and embrace life wholly. Let’s find a way to be the same wonderful person in our virtual world as we are in our actual lives. If we find ourselves struggling to be a kind, confident, honest, wholesome person on the internet, I might suggest that the internet is not the creator of our struggles. The internet; however, can be a revealer of them.
What would happen if we used the internet to stand more confident in who we are and launch us further into our purpose instead of distracting us from it? I wonder…
Who Are You? Only Conflict Will Tell.
My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.
Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….
My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.
Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….
I acted like it didn’t bother me.
At times, I have tried to push down my hurt and wait for my feelings to disappear. It seems like I should be able to “will” myself not to care, but I can’t because I do. We must understand that not dealing with conflict doesn’t mean we aren’t having any, it just means that we are living in denial. Don’t deny your pain, understand it. Hurt and pain that is left unaddressed will eventually change into bitterness, don’t let that happen.
Trying to avoid conflict will lead us to a very lonely place. Relationships with people come with conflict, if we can’t learn to navigate through it, we will find ourselves leaving a lot relationships.
I found someone who agreed with me.
I used to call a friend/s who would tell me that I was completely right in the situation and the other person was completely wrong. This conversation was always full of emotion and would always focus on the other person’s problems. Ultimately, I stopped dealing with conflict in this way because I realized it was not productive. I was avoiding the real issue, avoiding the person, talking behind their back and not getting anything resolved.
I confronted the conflict in my anger.
Unfortunately, there was a time in my life I confronted people in anger. I would pride myself that I had the balls to say what was “needed” and “I wasn’t scared.” I viewed this as a strength. The truth is that I wasn’t some valiant warrior fighting for truth and justice. I was an angry person, who was prideful and unable to control my emotions. Thank God, seriously, thank God that I no longer handle conflict in this way. This type of behavior is extremely selfish and self-centered. It comes from extreme insecurity masked by extreme confidence.
I used to be driven by the belief that there was right and there was wrong and my job was to stand for what was “right”; of course, I put myself as the judge. Interestingly, my opinion always seemed to be “right” and their opinion always seemed to be “wrong”.
So how do I handle conflict now?
First, I acknowledge that I am feeling hurt. I allow myself to be vulnerable. Some people run from vulnerability. My friends, I beg you, don’t run from your vulnerability, run to it. From my view, we need more vulnerability in this world.
Second, I decide if I even have the right to be angry. It is so easy for me to get pissed at things that are none of my business. I often have to tell myself to “just stop it”. I am not the boss of everyone and I do not always know best.
Thirdly, I talk it out with someone that will help ME work through MY emotions. Typically this person is Carter (poor guy, haha), but at times it is someone else. It is always someone who loves me and someone who I can trust with my heart. I tell them everything… I tell them what I am thinking and feeling. I talk about ME. My goal here is to find my peace again. My goal is not to be told that I am right. Actually, the people I go to rarely tell me that I am “right” or that I am “wrong”, most of the time they just listen and offer suggestions of why I may be experiencing these emotions.
Once I have found peace again, I go to the person and I talk, if I need to. Surprisingly, after working through my emotions I often find that I am fine with the situation and don’t need to.
Conflict is complicated. I understand that some of us have experienced extreme betrayal by those we love and for that, I am so sorry. I don’t want to oversimplify it, but I do want us to reflect on how we handle conflict overall. Make no mistake, we are all choosing to address conflict in some way. How are you handling it?
How you are handling conflict is drastically shaping your life.
Next time you get into a conflict with someone, instead of focusing on their flaws, take a moment to look at yourself. See yourself. You are worth seeing and You are worth understanding. Allow yourself the opportunity to be honest about why you are in pain so you can be healed from it. It is a journey worth taking my friend and you are worth getting to know.
When My Plans Became My Enemy
There is something you need to know about me. I am a recovering list maker, plan constructor, control freak. For most of my life, I have LOVED to have a plan and I did not like it if the plan didn’t go as I expected. The first ten years of Carter’s and my relationship were commonly filled with times that I was angry because circumstances didn’t go as I had hoped...
There is something you need to know about me. I am a recovering list maker, plan constructor, control freak. For most of my life, I have LOVED to have a plan and I did not like it if the plan didn’t go as I expected. The first ten years of Carter’s and my relationship were commonly filled with times that I was angry because circumstances didn’t go as I had hoped.
He told me he would be home at 5:00, but it was actually 5:30. I wanted to have the house COMPLETELY cleaned before the party, but I didn’t have time to get it all done. I was excited for our date, but he didn’t even tell me I looked beautiful. He went to the store, but he forgot to get milk, the one thing I needed him to get. I wanted to be in great shape before the event, yet I never started working out. We were trying to be on time, but we were late, again. I thought he had planned a surprise for our anniversary, but he hadn’t planned anything. I wanted to get everything on my list done, but I couldn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a complete bitch all of the time, but I would really struggle when things didn’t turn out as I expected. For the past five years, I have experienced a complete transformation in this area of my life.
So how did I ever let go of my tight hold on the plans I had?
First, I found myself in a difficult season of life that I hadn’t planned and I didn’t see coming. Carter had lost his job. I began working more because we had lost our health insurance. We were in the adoption process to adopt our second child, Shepherd, from the DR Congo. (Anyone who has adopted knows that it does not go according to “plan”.) We were experiencing difficulties in several of our close relationships. During this all, we were trying to become adjusted to having our first daughter, Epsie, and staying connected in our marriage.
Life had handed me situations that I wasn’t expecting, it hadn’t asked for my permission and I didn’t have a plan on how to “handle” it.
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Life and it doesn’t always consider your “plans”.
Another major thing that has taught me to be more adaptable is having children. Kids don’t care about your plans. They don’t care if you’re late, if your house is messy or if you had one more errand to do before they are “done”. Kids have their own plans. I have realized that my plans of having a “perfect house” with a “perfect family” in a “perfect world” are unrealistic. I was finding myself discontent and when it comes to my kids, I am unwilling to miss out merely because it has turned out to be a different experience than I was expecting.
Now looking back, I realize that I was struggling with feeling disappointed. Once I felt disappointed, I would shut down and push Carter (or anyone else) away because I felt he didn’t care. I slowly began to realize how spoiled I had been acting.
I had a picture of how things should go.
It was my vision and it revolved around one person, me.
I realize now that I was behaving like a two year old who would throw a fit if I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.
When is the last time your day/night/vacation/date/morning was ruined because it didn’t go the way you were expecting? No matter how hard you try, no matter how well you plan. Life will happen. Time will pass faster than expected. Not everything will get done. People will not behave exactly as you want (nor should they). Your expectations will go unmet and all you will be left with is a choice.
Yes, you have a choice.
I used to tell myself I didn’t have a choice. I was mad and I couldn’t help it, but that wasn’t true. I had a choice and you have a choice, the choice to make the best of our circumstances. As I often tell my kids, “We can’t choose how we feel, but we can choose how we act”. We need to take responsibility for our attitudes and recognize our power to choose.
You have every right to feel disappointed. You can even feel angry. You may very well need to have a conversation with someone about how you are feeling, but then choose to let it go and move on. Choose to make the best of your new circumstances.
A little secret I’ll let you in on…
A beautiful thing happens when we release our anger after not getting our way, we have the opportunity to realize that maybe our plan wasn’t the best all along. If we allow ourselves a moment to be disappointed and then look around, we might see that we have a whole lot to be thankful for and perhaps the only thing keeping us from having the best life is actually ourselves.
Your Life Is Now. Live It Today.
I would like you to do something for me right now, forget about your present circumstance and forget about your stress. Forget about the past few years that have not gone the way you expected. (Don’t worry we will come back to reality, just go with me for a minute.) Now, let’s go back to a simpler time, a time when you had your whole future ahead of you. You were filled with hope and excitement of the many possibilities ahead.
Stay here for a moment.
Who is this person? What dreams did they have? What kind of person were they to become? What kind of life would they live?
Ok, now come back.
This is it, this is your life.
Welcome to your future...
I would like you to do something right now, forget about your present circumstance and forget about your stress. Forget about the past few years that have not gone the way you expected. (Don’t worry we will come back to reality, just go with me for a minute.) Now, let’s go back to a simpler time, a time when you had your whole future ahead of you. You were filled with hope and excitement of the many possibilities ahead.
Stay here for a moment.
Who is this person? What dreams did they have? What kind of person were they to become? What kind of life would they live?
Ok, now come back.
This is it, this is your life.
Welcome to your future.
Are you the person that you always hoped to be? If so, CONGRATULATIONS! That is wonderful and I wish you the best! If not, why? What has kept you from being that person? Are you carrying the hurt from your past? Are you stuck in your history? Perhaps you keep planning to be that person "tomorrow"? Are you distracted? Are you waiting for others to make it happen?
I would like to formally invite you back into your life. I would like to give you the opportunity today to start fresh. It is simple enough to say, but how do we implement a new beginning?
I will leave you with three suggestions:
Forgive.
Nothing will steal your life from you like living in the past. The choice is yours, but I will always recommend forgiveness. Choose healing. Choose to move forward without the hurts of yesterday. At times, the person that is hardest to forgive is ourself. Today is a great day to begin the process.
Hope.
Hope is costly, but hope is worth it. The moment we stop hoping is the moment that we stop dreaming. Please, don’t stop dreaming. This world needs what you have inside of you.
Be determined.
Be determined to get “unstuck”. Be determined to dream again. Be determined to live again. Stand up and decide that today is the day that you will no longer sit on the sidelines of your life, you are getting back in the game and you will never leave it again. Whether you become tired, sweaty or bloody you are determined to live every minute of this experience fully.
I speak not of a life without difficulty and disappointment. pain and struggling will be present, yet we let it rule us not. Having the life you want will cost you, but it is worth it. If you are expecting it to be easy, it isn’t. If you are waiting for it to be given to you, you will wait forever because that gift is never coming. Don’t look to live a life without problems, but choose to live life despite them.
Today is the day you can choose to live again.
Make a change.
Decide to heal.
Decide to hope.
Welcome back my friend, how you’ve been missed.
Look in the Mirror and Clearly See
Have you ever felt discontent with who you are?
Several years ago, I found myself frustrated with my life. Don’t get me wrong, my circumstances were great. I had a wonderful family, great friends, I was a new mom, I was blessed with a job that I enjoyed and I was in a flourishing marriage, yet I felt disappointed with myself.
I wanted to find a way to live content.
I wanted to learn to be ok with who I was.
I wanted to learn how to love me...
Have you ever felt discontent with who you are?
Several years ago, I found myself frustrated with my life. Don’t get me wrong, my circumstances were great. I had a wonderful family, great friends, I was a new mom, I was blessed with a job that I enjoyed and I was in a flourishing marriage, yet I felt disappointed with myself.
I wanted to find a way to live content.
I wanted to learn to be ok with who I was.
I wanted to learn how to love me.
I set off on a journey to discover and learn to appreciate who I am. Now, after several years, I have a suggestion for anyone who is longing to become more secure in who you are:
Look in the mirror,
see yourself
and own what you see.
This is harder than it sounds. As I look back, I realize that I have spent a lot of time either running from the mirror or lying about what I saw. Why would I do this? I was filled with pride and fear. Pride kept me blind to the truth of my brokenness and fear kept me ashamed of my imperfections.
It can be so easy to get caught up in lying to ourselves about who we are, but in order to be completely free we must see it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Only after we acknowledge that we have flaws can we begin to attend to them. I didn’t even realize that I had been hiding or denying complete parts of myself.
If we want to truly begin transforming our lives, we must stop thinking that it is unacceptable to have problems, insecurities and brokenness. It is not bad to have “issues”, it is human. The sad thing is that we are all walking around trying to be “perfect”, when in reality, we all have major shit we are working through.
Embrace the real you.
Embrace the truth of who you are, in all its beauty and in all of its ugliness. Embrace that you are a person filled with many aspects: wonderful things, embarrassing things, strengths, weaknesses and brokenness. Embrace your current self, embrace who you have been and embrace who you will be.
I was struggling with being secure because I wasn’t acknowledging who I was. My instincts told me that if I wasn’t perfect then I would lose my value; instead, I found the opposite to be true. Only in being genuine and embracing who I truly am, have I been able to find security.
Once we learn how to accept who we are, flaws and all, we learn something extremely powerful, to love without the premise of perfection. I have learned the life changing ability to love something that is a work in progress, myself. Even better, I no longer expect others to be perfect. I have thrown away the bar of “performance & expectations” in which I used to measure people’s value. I have finally tapped into the truth that value is not in having a perfect reflection, but being a person, which is of great value.