Is This a Time for Rage?

I just finished reading a nationally circulated article that told me that “this is a time for rage”. It was speaking on some of the recent events of the political landscape and the current sexual investigations that are taking place.

I am no stranger to the current world we live in and it is no great surprise for me to see rage, but this was something new. This was the first time that I had actually seen a writer not just speak in a state of rage, but recommend it as the best option as we move through these difficult situations.

I could not believe it.

Really? That is the best that we have?

With all of the tools, emotions and communication styles we have access to we are going to select our rage?

Is that what people really think?

That rage is going to get us through?

Rage is our savior?

Not for me.

I don’t have faith in my rage.

Rage is an emotion, it is not a solution.

When we feel enraged, we feel like we have a purpose. We see the path ahead and we have no doubt that we can conquer it. It makes us feel brave and important.

Our rage makes us feel powerful.

Our rage is an understandable emotion that arises as we journey through some of these difficult experiences, it makes us feel like we are seeing crystal clear, but it actually blinds us. We are unable to see anything else but our emotion and our perception. When we feel rage we are often incapable of listening well and uninterested in learning because we demand to be heard.

I do understand that rage can be quite productive. It can be a great influencer, communicator and motivator to get people in action, but let’s be clear, the action that rage will spark is not one that will bring beauty to this world.

While rage is easy to grow, it is not easily controlled and the more it spreads the harder it is to keep in check.

Rage is loyal to itself and not even the cause at hand.

Rage is not a superhuman power to get things done. It is an ineffective strategy for creating positive change.

We have leaders instructing their followers to take up anger as a tool to solve our problems.

Umm… no thanks.

Rage can ignite fiery passion and can cause intimidation, but is this really going to give us what we want? Is this going to create the environment that we want our children to grow up in?

If encouraged, our rage will produce hate, intolerance, and violence.

Rage has no peace to offer us.

Rage has no answers for us.

Rage is not the solution.

Being unable to control our temper is not our strength, this my friends is actually part of the problem. Rage may have to be a part of all of this, but to credit it as our strength would be a mistake.

Our bitterness, our rage, and our anger will never heal us or create peace in this world. The healing that we find after our rage will.

We will heal this problem by sharing and listening to the experiences that have occurred. We will heal as the stories of darkness get brought to the light. We will heal as people who have found healing share the way. We will heal in our understanding. We will heal as we connect and support one another. We will heal as we become equipped. We will heal as we forgive.

We will heal as we speak to our youth and educate them on these things that have gone unspoken in generations past.

We will heal as we teach people to do better.

We will begin to heal as we better understand the mindsets that have let these actions take place repeatedly while staying in the dark generationally.

We will not heal because of our rage. We will heal despite it.

We need to do better.

Not just with our sexual misbehaviors, but with our response to them as well. We must find a different way to navigate these difficult experiences.

Rage may be a step along the journey, but should not be the destination. Make no mistake about it, we want to keep moving forward.

We want a better world for every woman and every man. We want a better world for our children.

If we want better, then we all must do better.

Our culture needs an answer to this problem and I am sure that rage is not that answer.

No matter how we feel, our rage is not actually effective for us to get what we want.

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It’s Ok to Make Mistakes {But Not Really}

“It’s ok to make mistakes.”

This is something I have heard since I was a kid. As I have gotten older, I have become increasingly aware of how untrue this statement is.

When is the last time that you made a mistake? A real mistake. How was it handled? Were you given grace for your mistake? Shame? Consequence? Punishment? Retribution?

More often than not, I have seen people pay for the mistakes they have made. We don’t act like it is just “ok” to make a mistake. Small or large we like people to be held accountable for their missteps.

We like things to make sense and people paying for their mistakes makes sense.

There was a time in my life I became a little bit obsessed with trying not to make a mistake. Let’s say this a bit differently…

There was a time in my life that I tried to be perfect.

And I failed.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be perfect. (Big surprise.)

The more I tried not to make a mistake, the more aware I became of my mistakes, and the more I obsessed over them. I had no ability to offer myself grace because I felt so aware of my inadequacy. I felt like a failure.

My life became quite miserable.

I just didn’t know how to make mistakes and be ok with it. I did not have the skill to fail well. To be honest, I am still learning how to fail appropriately.

It is hard for me to feel it is simply “ok” to make a mistake. It doesn’t feel ok.

I often replay the experience over and over in my head. Each time a fresh wave of shame is there to make my face feel warm and shoulders feel tight. I do not like to say things I shouldn’t have said and do things I shouldn’t have done.

 I do not like to get things wrong. I like to get things right.

However, it seems that my mistakes are a part of my life that I am unable to remove. Maybe that is the point?

Maybe this life should be less about trying to strive for perfection and more about living in grace.

Abundant grace made available for any mistake that has been and that is yet to come. Grace for the mistakes and grace for the failures. Grace for others and grace for ourselves.

Instead of attempting to live in a façade of perfection, I will choose to embrace the messy reality of who I am. I own the fact that I am not perfect and I never will be. I embrace it and I will choose to be kind to myself as I do my best in this life.

I can guarantee that I will not do it perfectly, but that’s ok because…

“It’s ok to make mistakes.”

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Our Intentions Matter... A Lot

Have you ever done the right thing for the wrong reason?

I have.

Growing up, I was taught that my intentions were just as important, if not more, than my actions.  However, I did not fully embrace this teaching.

It was easy for me to convince people, including myself, that my motivations in life were pure. However, my intentions were often fueled by more than I was willing to admit.

I was filled with the need to prove something to the world, but ultimately, I wanted to prove something to myself.

I was scared. I was scared of making a mistake. I was scared of failure. I was scared of rejection. I was scared of losing control. And to top it all off, I was ashamed of all of these things.

I felt like I should be more than I was.

And I was afraid that someone would find out.

It was not natural for me to question my own intentions. That is until one day, I decided to walk away from the façade and reconcile my internal motivations with the outward perception I had created.

The last several years, I have been on a journey to purify my intentions. I now live in a constant place of evaluating my motivations daily.

Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I saying what I am saying?Am I feeling ashamed? Am I feeling hurt? Am I being dishonest? Am I being hurtful?

Am I looking for people to accept me? Am I looking for someone to validate my worth? Am I looking for people to approve of my choices?

Am I afraid of possible conflict? Am I afraid I may disappoint someone?

I am no longer trying to prove anything, but trying to understand myself.

I am dedicated to understanding who I am and what motivates me in this life. 

The reason why we do the things we do is of utmost importance. Our intentions are the very thing that is fueling our choices. What would happen if we were all honest about our intentions?

Perhaps we should start with being honest with ourselves.

Our why matters. It matters a lot.

Are we being fueled by jealousy, insecurity, fear, anger, hate, comparison, or shame? What is our motivation? What is our intent?

Doing good things in this life is wonderful, but better than doing good things is doing them for the right reason. If we want to truly find freedom, we will have to come face to face with our real intentions.

 It is our responsibility to own our intentions.

No one can choose this journey for us. We have to demand ourselves to be honest with who we are, motivations and all. Not to feel ashamed, but to grow.

Whether we want to change them or not, we must face our intentions and own them. Make no mistake about it, if we do not own them, they will, in fact, own us.

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It Is Not Hard to Have Opinions

It is not hard to have opinions. It is not hard to be opinionated. It really isn't.

It is not hard to tell other people how they need to change. It is not hard to see the faults in other people. It is actually quite easy.

It is not hard to shame people for their failures. It is not hard to demean people for their beliefs.
It is not hard to sit back on our keypad and type from a place of superiority about how other people are getting life wrong.

These things are NOT hard.

What is hard, however, is to get out of our chairs, to look in the mirror and ask ourselves what we are REALLY bringing to the world... outside of our Facebook opinions.

Make no mistake that we are not taking a noble stand by voicing hateful thoughts.

It is not hard to stand in hate.
It is, however, hard to serve in love. 

It is not hard to judge someone based on their beliefs that we don't understand.

It is hard however to try to understand someone who believes differently than we do and it is even harder to choose to love someone that we don't understand. It is hard, but we should be able to do this. This is a skill vitally necessary in this world.

I understand that “their” politics, religion or other beliefs in life may be completely "wrong". I am sorry that they do not believe as you do. They will have to own the consequences of their beliefs, but we must own the consequences of ours.

It is so intriguing to me that we hold onto our idealistic ideas stronger than we hold on to our love.

It is really fascinating how we can say we are standing for love while spewing hate.

Let's stop thinking about "them" and let's start realizing that we have the ability to change the world.

Words have power.

We need to understand that power and own what we are producing with our words.

Our opinions do matter. They do. But what matters greater is how we use them and how we treat those with differing opinions than our own.

We have freedom of speech, but let's not get that confused with believing our words don't come at a cost.

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Learning to Fail

Recently, I was talking to Carter and was anxiously telling him about a failure. You know those moments that you are face to face with the inevitable fact that you have failed something or someone?

Ugh! I HATE those moments.

I do.

I was worked up and nervously talking away. When all of the sudden Carter stopped me, put his arms around me, looked me in the eyes and said two amazingly perfect words.

“Be Free.”

He continued to tell me that it was fine, that I was fine and that I had to learn to let these things go.

It was fine.

I was fine.

For the past decade of my life, I have been trying to learn how to fail and after ten plus years, I still don’t know exactly how to do it. Of course, I can fail. Failing is inevitable, but I am still learning how to fail well.

How can I still be here after so many years of believing in grace?

How is it possible that I am still so affected by my failure? Why are my limitations, mistakes, and misunderstandings so scary to me? I have come so far, but I still have a long ways to go.

In the past, when I have failed, I felt the need to cover up my failure and hide my mistakes. At the same time, I would defend my value as if it was something that needed defending. 

During my failure, there was always a little voice taunting me... What if my fears are true? What if my fail is a sign that I not only failed, but I am a failure?? But worse, what if I am a failure who is destined to fail forever?

What if I not only got it wrong but what if I am wrong?  What if I don't just make mistakes. What if I am the mistake? 

(insert tear.)

Several years ago, I became quite aware that my fear of failure could have the potential to steal my entire life from me. I rallied myself, gathered some peeps around me to help me stay on track, and I went forth into the world determined not to let my fear of failure steal from my life. 

I really don't enjoy failure. I am more of an enjoyer of success. Success is fun, but I don’t believe that we learn jack squat during our successes. Now our failures are a different story... our failures are full of opportunities.

Our failures show us our fears.

Our failures show us our weaknesses.

Our failures give us an opportunity to experience grace.

Do not get me wrong, I still do not enjoy failing, but I have learned to value the process. Learning to fail has taught me a lot about who I am and the fears that are within me. I have and will continue to fail. And that's ok.

We must embrace the role that failure will play in our lives.

Our goal should not be to not fail.

Our goal should be to learn how.

My fails still bother me at times, but no matter how hard I fall on my face I choose to be kind to myself. I evaluate my intentions and determine if they need any correction. If they do, I own it. When I struggle to have grace for myself, I ask someone to help me move forward without shame.

Perhaps the greatest change I have made is that I no longer act like it isn't happening. I face it so that I can learn from it. I choose to grow instead of choosing to remain the same. I own my issues. I own my mistakes. 

I own my failure.

I choose to heal and move forward fully knowing that I will fail again, but no longer allowing it to keep me from living the life I was meant to live.

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If You Need to Judge Me Then Do What You Must

I hear the things that you have said and I understand that you would like me to be different. I hear you, but it seems that you are incapable of hearing me because you are too busy judging me.

If you need to judge me then do what you must. Not that long ago, I would’ve judged me too.

You don’t know what I’ve been through. You do not understand why I am who I am. You don’t know what my journey has cost me. You don’t know the tears that I’ve cried or the fears that I’ve fought. You don’t understand all the times that I have chosen to grow and I have chosen to learn.

I used to feel so afraid of you and your disapproval.

It used to take my breath away and choke me as if it could kill me. I used to do things for you… so that you would approve of me… so that you would love me.

And then I stopped.

I had to.

I realized that even with the best of trying I couldn’t make you happy. I couldn’t be everything you wanted me to be.

I had to stop running after you and the disappearing vapors of your approval because I realized in the chase for your endorsement I was losing myself.

I believe you want the best for me and you feel you know what that is. Thank you, but it seems that you are incapable of loving me without very specific requirements of who I must be. Thanks for the offer, but I am gonna have to say “no thanks”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “no thanks” to you. I am saying “no thanks” to the burden of your expectations.

I would love for you to be a part of my journey, but I will not base my life choices on the critical words that I hear from you. I will not base my value on your sliding scale of interpretation.

I say that without hate or malice. I mean you no disrespect. I value you, but I can see clearly that you struggle to do the same for me.

So I release you.

I no longer need you to approve of me. I no longer need you to validate my worth.

Why?

Because I have found it for myself.

I know you feel it is your job to measure my performance and my worth, but I assure you, it is not. 

I release you from loving me in a way that you are unable to. I will no longer expect you to understand my heart.

I will no longer expect you to trust my intent.

 I will move forward with the understanding that at least for now, you are unable to love me without conditions. I will choose to love you right where you are despite your inability to do the same for me.

And that’s ok.

I have grace for you to be where you are. I give you grace not because of who you are, but because of who I am, because of the journey that I have taken…

the very journey that you fail to understand.

-Haley

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Without Love...

Love is hard. 

Sure, there are times that love is easy.

Falling in love is easy. It is easy to love our children. And puppies. Puppies are easy to love. (If you aren't trying to train them! Haha.)

So, love isn't always hard. But, often times, it is. It can be hard to love our spouses, our friends, our families, our homes, our jobs... or our lives.

I have yet to meet a "lover" who has not also experienced the painful kiss of disappointment, betrayal, and heartache.

When we love, we will inevitably experience disappointment and feel pain. We can slowly determine that the cost of love is too high because it hurts so much. Through the many disappointments that we experience it is easy to choose to love less. 

Despite all of my experiences that have taught me that love is quite costly, I have determined that the cost of not loving is far greater.   

To lose my love is to lose my life.  

Love is hard, but we must continue to choose love no matter how difficult it may be. 

We can discover all of the mysteries on this earth, but if we don’t’ find love, we will still be lost.

We could find a family for every child in need of one, but if they are not shown love, there is no point.

We can possess all of the intellect of this world, but without love, it will lead us to isolation.

We can teach our children all of the lessons of life, but if they never learn that they are loved, then we have failed.

We could feed every starving person on this earth, but if they have not been treated with love, they will still be in need.

We can be on the “right” side of every argument, but if we can’t love the person on the other side, what does that say about us?

We can possess all of the power in the world, but without love, we cannot be trusted with it.

We can be married for the rest of our lives, but if it is void of love, it will be far from a fairy tale.

We can earn freedom for the entire world, but if there is no love, we will be enslaved by our hate.

We can have everything that money can buy, but without love, we will still be poor.

We can speak with beautifully eloquent words, but if they are not followed with love, our words will produce hate.

It is vital that we find a way to put love at the center of our cause, no matter what that may be.

Because without love my friends, we have nothing.

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