REDEMPTION UNVEILED
Learning to Value Those I Disagree With
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions. That was then...
I have always been a very opinionated person. I never had to be taught how to have strong convictions and to speak up for what I believed. I just did. These strong convictions left me with a very narrow path of what I believed was right.
I wouldn't chase after confrontation, but I sure didn't shy away from it when someone challenged me. I had my opinions, for good reason, and I stood by my beliefs. This caused me to enter into many arguments and I did so with confidence because I was sure that my opinion was correct. Absolutely positive.
I used to feel so proud of my opinions.
When I entered into an argument it felt personal. If you rejected my opinions, you rejected me, so I defended "us" with whatever it took. I had one goal and that was to come out as the “winner”. It was very important to me that I “win”.
I used to think that my opinions and I were like two peas in a sweet little pod of "right".
I became a different person during conflict. Arguments would reveal things within me that most of the time I could hide. I didn’t have the skills to remain respectful or kind during conflict. Honestly, I felt like if you were going to challenge me, you didn’t deserve my respect or my kindness… you should know better. (Yeah, I am aware of how horrible that sounds.)
I felt like if you disagreed with me, you didn’t value me. It was no longer about the disagreement.
It was about me and my worth.
I realize now that I used to be able to disregard people’s perceptions so easily because I had a lack of understanding what opinions really were. I used to think that opinions were simple. They were simply right or wrong, good or bad. Now I realize that opinions are as complex as the people that hold them.
Our opinions are wrapped up and filtered through every single experience we have ever had. They are more than just our knowledge. Our opinions give voice to our perception.
Our opinions give voice to our history.
All of us are on a tumultuous journey to try to make sense out of life. Our opinions place words to where we stand in the world today, but tomorrow we may be standing in a new place, with new opinions. Our views are ever changing, at least I hope so.
Our opinions are a product of how we have processed our experiences. For me to expect everyone to experience life the same is silly and for me to expect everyone to process life the same is just crazy.
I may disagree with you, but I should be able to value you regardless. If I cannot value a person, merely because I disagree with them, that is a problem. A big problem.
Now looking back it makes me blush to think about some of the things that I have said in my life, but worse is the attitude with which I would say them. By far, my greatest regrets are the hurtful words that have come out of my mouth. I have said horrible things to people I love over differing opinions. How is that for love?
It is so intriguing to me that I used to hold onto my idealistic ideas stronger than I would hold on to my love.
My opinions are not nearly as important as I used to believe. I no longer believe that every opinion I have is absolutely right or absolutely noble. And I no longer put that pressure on you.
I have now learned that my opinions don't make me special. They are not what make me a wonderful person. My choice to value your voice, even if it is saying something different than mine and my choice to listen to you, hear you and attempt to understand you, are what make me special.
My choice to place high worth on humanity is what makes me a wonderful person.
For me to say your opinions don’t matter is for me to say your experiences don’t matter, and if your experiences don’t matter than your life doesn’t matter. I’m no longer willing to say that. I will, with resolution, respect life.
Perhaps that is the key to why we all fight so hard for our opinions. We are not necessarily fighting for our views, we are fighting to say that our experiences matter, but ultimately we are fighting to say that our lives matter.
While I may not agree with your opinion. I can place value on the life that it has taken you to accumulate them.
Because your life matters… a lot.
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Losing Myself in the Performance
I was in sixth grade the first time that an acquaintance told me that she didn’t like me. Nothing had happened between us. Just me being “me” was enough to arouse in her a very strong feeling of frustration and annoyance, and she needed me to be aware of it.
I was eleven years old.
So, I guess I could tell you that it was also in sixth grade that I began to perform for the world to accept me. I began to try to be what other people wanted me to be...
I was in sixth grade the first time that an acquaintance told me that she didn’t like me. Nothing had happened between us. Just me being “me” was enough to arouse in her a very strong feeling of frustration and annoyance, and she needed me to be aware of it.
I was eleven years old.
So, I guess I could tell you that it was also in sixth grade that I began to perform for the world to accept me. I began to try to be what other people wanted me to be.
This was the first time that I was told that I rubbed people the wrong way, but this wouldn’t be the last. I have heard this statement repeated, in many various forms, since then. Not only whispered through the grapevine, but straight to my face.
Don’t be so loud.
Be friendlier.
Smile more, but don’t come off fake.
Don’t be so happy all of the time, it is annoying.
Don’t come off too ‘judgy’.
Wave at more people.
Don’t walk like you walk.
Talk more.
Talk less.
Don’t be so opinionated.
When I ask for advice, don’t act like you know everything. Just listen.
Sometimes you rub people the wrong way. Don’t.
You need to change because you being “you” is annoying.
I wasn’t exactly sure what everyone was wanting, but I tried to listen and make myself more of who they expected me to be. I began to live my life for them. Despite my best effort, it seemed that no one was even recognizing all of the “wonderful” changes I was making.
No one seemed to be noticing my modifications, except I was detecting something very scary. The more I tried to be who I thought everyone wanted, the more I compromised who I was. I could feel it inside of me. I was losing my passion for life and it started to scare me.
I was beginning to lose myself.
I had been told that being “me” was wrong, but it seemed impossible for me to be anyone else. So what is a girl to do? If I could only be myself or be what everyone wanted me to me? I was going to have to make a choice…
I chose to be me.
It is so easy to feel like we should be able to make everyone happy with who we are. For some reason, it feels important to listen to negative feedback and make changes. In some cases, it is important. When people I love and people who love me come to me with something, it is vitally important that I listen to them. I must hear what they are saying and where they are coming from. The people who love me, love me. They want the best for me and will speak to me in a way that allows me an opportunity to grow, but not to compromise the love I have for myself.
I no longer entertain the hateful comments casually said about who I am and I no longer listen to people who choose to shame me for being me.
And you should not listen to those who choose to shame you for being you.
You are a living, breathing, quirky, funny, awkward being who is different than every other living being on this earth. You have a distinctive way of expressing the things inside of you. The unique things inside of you are the very things that should be treasured and protected, not hid.
We are all under an immense pressure to perform to what others believe we should be. Let’s not live our life trying to please the people who just want us to be their puppet.
We are not meant to be a puppet.
I have lost myself at times in the performance. I have put forth way too much effort and time into performing for people that were never going to be happy with my dance.
When we try to do the dance that others expect of us, it exhausts us.
People will look at us and judge how we live. Let them look. Let them judge, but let’s not perform for them. Let’s not try to be anything. Let's just be us. I guarantee that some people will tell us that we are too much and some people will tell us that we are not enough; however, I am here to tell you differently.
You are just right.
Let them do their dance.
You do yours.
The world needs more people that are willing to live the life that they have inside of them.
We are waiting for you.
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The Real Reason They Lied to Us
We have all been lied to. It is never fun, but it is devastating whenever someone we trust betrays us. When we find out that someone we are in a relationship with has lied to us, it leaves us feeling dazed and confused. Many of us look back and think, “Where did I go wrong?”...
We have all been lied to. It is never fun, but it is devastating whenever someone we trust betrays us. When we find out that someone we are in a relationship with has lied to us, it leaves us feeling dazed and confused. Many of us look back and think, “Where did I go wrong?”
No matter what happened in our relationship, there is no reason for us to take responsibility for them choosing to be dishonest. (Although, often times they will try to make it our fault.)
They didn’t lie to us because of who we are. They lied to us because of who they are.
They didn’t lie to us because we did things wrong. They lied to us because they did things wrong.
They didn’t lie because of us at all. They lied because in that moment it seemed easier than facing the truth.
People who lie do not see the necessity in filtering their words through truth. They view their words as a tool that can be molded to fit the moment. They have not learned how to navigate through confrontation, so they have chosen to avoid uncomfortable conversations or circumstances by using “versions” of the “truth”.
The problem with this is that truth has no versions.
However, lying is not simply about valuing truth. Lying is a direct result of the ability (or inability) to withstand pressure. Lying is used as a fleeing tactic that allows for a quick exit during intense situations. People lie to avoid. People lie when they are scared.
People who lie also have a tendency to leave relationships. They don’t know how to face difficulty, so they run. They run from the confrontation they face in this world and they even run from the conflict within themselves. During these moments, they aren’t thinking about us. They aren’t even thinking about truth. They are thinking about how they don’t want to face the situation… so they don’t.
The interesting thing about people who live dishonest lives is that I don’t believe many of them see themselves as dishonest. They actually see themselves more as peace lovers. They believe it is simpler to keep peace if they simply adjust truth. They don’t seem to realize the grave consequence of not living in truth.
Dishonest people are not peace keepers they are conflict avoiders. Big difference.
When a person lies, they must then live in the multiple realities they have created. It is as if these multiple lives divide their soul. A soul was not meant to be divided. We were meant to be a whole, unified person living one life.
A life lived dishonestly is only a mere reflection of a life.
It is very difficult to be in a relationship with people who view lying as an option for communication. It is difficult to know who they actually are.
They are like shapeshifters that form into whoever is convenient to be at the time.
Who are they really? There is no way to answer this question because they themselves do not even know. They fail to realize that when they choose not to face adversity, they are sadly denying themselves the opportunity to learn who they are.
If you have ever been betrayed by someone you trust, I am sorry. It wasn’t you. It was them. I am sorry for every single time someone has chosen convenience over reality. I hope that they have since chosen to live in truth, but if they haven’t, there is nothing you can do.
They are not dishonest because you are not worthy of truth. They are dishonest because they do not understand that they are worthy of truth.
You are worth real. You are worth honest.
No matter how much they say otherwise, never again make the mistake of taking someone else’s choices as your responsibility. They must own their choices, just as you must own yours. Own your life and live in truth.
For a life lived without truth, is no life at all.
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Shame Is the Name of the Game
Have you ever been overwhelmed with shame? Have you ever felt shame for a choice or a mistake that you made? Maybe you have felt shame for not being the same as someone else? Or felt ashamed for being “you”? Have you ever felt like you aren't enough?...
Have you ever been overwhelmed with shame? Have you ever felt shame for a choice or a mistake that you made? Maybe you have felt shame for not being the same as someone else? Or felt ashamed for being “you”? Have you ever felt like you aren't enough?
Shame is interesting. When we are shaming someone else, we feel superior. We feel that we are better than them because “we would never do that” or “say that” or “be that”. When we experience shame within ourselves, it makes us feel inferior. “How can I struggle with this?” or “Why did I say that?” or “Why did I do that?”
Shame is woven into our culture. It is used in our marriages, friendships, parenting, religion, politics, workplaces… It is everywhere. I am particularly talking about how we use it to dishonor and disgrace people.
Shame has a strange way of connecting people together. Many people and cultures embrace the idea of shaming others. They value shame. Entire movements have been fueled by it. People love to join together and shame others for their choices.
Shame is one of the loudest voices in the world right now.
Why?
Because it works.
Shame is often used to manipulate people. It keeps people “in line” and is powerful enough to control behavior. When someone uses shame on us, it connects us to our deepest fear of being rejected.
“If I am not good enough, they will leave me.”
“If I don’t measure up, they will not love me.”
Shame is a mighty force, but shame can’t possibly compare to the power of love. Love gives grace and mercy to accept us in our current condition.
Love gives us security.
“I love you just as you are.”
Shame gives us a threat.
“If you don’t measure up, I will leave you.”
Shame is powerful, but let me warn you, it only has the power to put people in shackles. Shame loves to keep people enslaved with guilt. It keeps us afraid and confined. I wonder how many of us have been too afraid to be honest about our internal struggles because we are unsure if we will be loved once we are.
Shame keeps us in bondage.
Love gives us freedom.
Even if we decide we don’t want to live a life of shame, other people will try to give it to us. Some people don’t want to live without it. We cannot control the choices they make, but we can control the ones we make.
We must stop allowing shame to dictate our lives.
I have yet to meet a person who has arrived to the destination of “Perfection”. We must stop believing that we only have value if we are perfect. We must find a way to love the fact that we are a work in progress. Our value must not come from our degree of perfection, but from the fact that we are a human being.
It is vital that we get rid of the sliding scale that we use to measure people’s worth… including our own.
We are all on a journey, and this journey should not be treated with shame, but with appreciation. We should be grateful for the continual opportunity to learn, grow and become even more beautiful than we were yesterday.
We must not let the shame of who we have been keep us from the glory of who we are becoming.
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The Words That Echo
I believe that words have great power, but unfortunately, people don’t always use this power wisely… or kindly. It is shocking how much pain can be caused by words. When is the last time that someone said something hurtful to you?
I am amazed at how well I can remember some of the hurtful things that have been said to me. I can play them on repeat, word for word… for years.
I believe that words have great power, but unfortunately, people don’t always use this power wisely… or kindly. It is shocking how much pain can be caused by words. When is the last time that someone said something hurtful to you?
I am amazed at how well I can remember some of the hurtful things that have been said to me. I can play them on repeat, word for word… for years.
We have all had hurtful things said to us. Painful words can echo in our lives for quite some time. It seems natural to remember the worst things that have been said to us while the kind things are all too easily forgotten. We often focus on the negative and hold onto the hurt.
In this life, it is inevitable that people will try to define us. Some people will define us kindly, while others will define us cruelly. Sadly, we often give too much thought to the harshest definitions.
People will define us, but we have the final say on who we believe ourselves to be.
We must not give too much focus to other people’s opinions. Merely because someone says something about who we are, does not make it right. Opinions change by the day. They are filtered through moods, personalities, experiences and perceptions. Someone may fully believe what they say is true, but that doesn’t make it truth.
Unkind things are said in this life. Sometimes they are said with the intention to hurt us and sometimes hurt is not the intent. Either way, we must learn how to process painful words.
We can’t change how people speak to us, but we can change how much we allow their words to dictate our life. It can be hard for us to move past the cutting words, but we should not live with the open wound of hurt for too long.
We need to quit entertaining the words that came into our life to tear us down. At some point, we must know who we are and not worry about who others believe us to be.
We must move on.
There will be people in this life who love us and people who hate us. Some people will agree with us and others will disagree. We will have people who will support us and people who won’t. This is not always fair, but this is life.
I am sorry for the words that have haunted you, but it is time to let them go.
Let’s decide together to no longer relive the hate and let's move forward. Let’s draw a line in the sand, forgive and move on. Let’s release them. Let’s release ourselves.
stop QUESTIONING HOW OTHERS PERCEIVE YOU AND JUST YOU. because you are enough.
When Others "Cause" My Problems
When I have frustrations in my life, my first instinct is to look around and find the source of my frustration. This usually ends in me finding the person responsible. Someone must be at fault, right? And it isn’t me. I then put my frustration on that person, whether in secret or to their face.
Only recently have I realized how truly unproductive this process actually is. This way of handling things is focused primarily on one thing and that is…
blame.
When I have frustrations in my life, my first instinct is to look around and find the source of my frustration. This usually ends in me finding the person responsible. Someone must be at fault, right? (And it isn’t me.) I then put my frustration on that person, whether in secret or to their face.
Only recently have I realized how truly unproductive this process actually is. This way of handling things is focused primarily on one thing and that is…
blame.
You see, I don’t like to be frustrated. I don’t like it if things don’t go the way that I thought they would or should. I don’t like it if someone is mean to me or rude to me. I don’t like it when people disappoint me. And I don’t like it when I feel that I have been “wronged”.
“They made me mad.”
“They hurt my feelings.”
“They made me frustrated.”
If only they would change, I wouldn’t have these problems because... well...
they are the problem.
I’m sure some of you are thinking… "Gosh, this girl has issues." (Which is totally true.)
I naturally think I am right all the time. I understand myself and my opinions make sense to me. It is not natural for me to question my emotions.
But what if my frustration wasn’t all about them?
What if the reason I was mad had more to do with my history than our present? What if the reason that I was so hurt had more to do with my insecurities than their actions? What if I was so frustrated because somewhere within myself is a child that believes I should get everything I want when I want it?
When we are feeling upset, instead of placing blame on someone else, we should sit down in front of the mirror and look at the reflection in front of us. We should not avoid this person. We should try to understand this person.
This person matters.
Our most frustrated, broken moments often reveal the most precious, vulnerable, interesting, and difficult things about ourselves.
It is vital that we look at ourselves during the times that we feel upset. If we don't, we will miss out on so many opportunities to learn who we are.
Many times, my feelings have little to do with the current situation I am in, and I find myself surprised by what is really upsetting me. It is often my undealt with hurt from a situation in my past. I can be surprised by my hate, anger, hurts, emotions, opinions, and frustration. Instead of making it all about them, I now ask, “What does this say about me?”
I learn more about myself when I am upset than I ever could when I am not.
My life is no longer a battle to prove to anyone that I am right. Being right is no longer my goal. My goal now is to be in peace. I am now living my life to grow, to heal, and to change. I am living this life to learn.
I am no longer scared of my brokenness. I no longer run from it. I embrace it. I want to know who I am, I want to know why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I do. I am getting to know myself, in all of my strength and all of my weakness.
My frustrations in life are no longer a “problem”.
They are an opportunity.
Next time you find yourself upset, hurt or angry. I invite you to do something that feels really wrong. I invite you to pause. I invite you to resist the urge to blame others for your emotions. I invite you to get to know yourself in a new way. I invite you to learn.
I invite you, my friend, to heal.
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I Am Insecure: Part Three {Rejection Sucks}
Welcome back to our series on insecurity! Part One, we talked about finding “our person” and Part Two, we discussed not avoiding our insecurity. We touched on it in Part One, but this week, we are going to further discuss the fear and risk of rejection when we are honest about our insecurities.
Rejection sucks.I hate it.
This is where all of this “talk” about insecurities becomes very difficult. In a perfect world, I would simply say…
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Welcome back to our series on insecurity! Part One, we talked about finding “our person” and Part Two, we discussed facing our insecurity. We touched on it in Part One, but this week, we are going to further discuss the fear and risk of rejection when we are honest about our insecurities.
Rejection sucks.
I hate it.
This is where all of this “talk” about insecurities becomes very difficult. In a perfect world, I would simply say…
“Let’s choose to confront our insecurities and talk them out with someone in our life. Let’s talk with our dad… wife… sister… or friend… and tell them everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don’t worry, they will love us because that is what love does. Love loves despite imperfection and regardless of failure.”
However, we all know that it is not that simple.
Being rejected by someone we trust is heart wrenching. These are the moments that we expected unconditional love, but we didn’t receive it. They told us they would never leave us... but they did. We opened up to them only to have them tell us that we weren’t worth loving.
The times that we long to be chosen, but aren’t, can be some of the most powerful experiences in our lives.
I am convinced that our experiences with rejection greatly shape how we live. Rejection alters the way we see ourselves and our imperfections.
Rejection tries to define us as "unworthy to love" in our current condition.
If you struggle being honest about your internal struggles, start small. Find someone you trust and risk rejection. It is not necessary to tell everyone in your life every insecurity you have. Start by telling just one person and then see if you feel the need to talk to anyone else. Keeping it more private allows you to be able focus on healing and not on everyone’s differing perceptions and opinions.
If you have had repeated rejection by those who are close to you, I might recommend reaching out to a counselor to help you take wise & personalized steps as you open yourself back up to vulnerability.
Rejection sucks, but there is something that I believe sucks greater than rejection.
Loneliness.
I have learned through the years that keeping up the appearance of perfection is quite exhausting and lonely. I fail to see the point in living a life that isn’t lived to the fullest, honestly and authentically. We either learn to let people into our vulnerable places, or we live a life of pretending to be something we aren't.
I want to be chosen, but I want to be chosen for who I really am.
I wish, with all of my heart and soul that I could tell you that you will be loved in this life no matter what, but I can’t. Unfortunately, in this world, love is often very conditional. Things would be so much simpler if love never failed, but it often does fail, because love is only as foolproof as the people giving it… and people fail.
Rejection sucks, but experiencing unconditional love is more than worth the risk. Some of the most meaningful experiences of my life thus far are the moments that someone has chosen to love me in my imperfections and failure.
I will never forget the times that I have sat down, defeated, broken-hearted and ashamed, looked into the eyes across from me and heard the words,
“I love you still”.
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I Am Insecure: Part One {Find Your Person}
Most of us think of people as being secure or insecure. I don’t believe that some people are secure and some people are insecure. I believe that we are ALL, both, insecure and secure. It just depends on the moment.
I am insecure. I am unsure. I doubt who I am, what I do and what I say. I feel like I get it wrong too often. I fall short more than I would like.
I am insecure.
No, not at this moment. At this moment, I am fine. I am confident. At this moment, I am secure, but maybe not the next or the one after that....
Most of us think of people as being secure or insecure. I don’t believe that some people are secure and some people are insecure. I believe that we are ALL, both, insecure and secure. It just depends on the moment.
I am insecure. I am unsure. I doubt who I am, what I do and what I say. I feel like I get it wrong too often. I fall short more than I would like.
I am insecure.
No, not at this moment. At this moment, I am fine. I am confident. At this moment, I am secure, but maybe not the next or the one after that.
Today, I want to tell you that it is ok to have areas within yourself that are insecure. We are not perfect and that’s ok. I am a work in progress and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
I don’t believe we should necessarily embrace our insecurities, and I don’t believe we should deny them either. I do believe we should accept them.
Only when we accept that we are a work in progress, will we begin to make progress.
For the next four weeks, I am going to challenge each one of us to look at ourselves and accept our insecurities. We will take risks and as we do, we will heal.
Week One
“Find yOUR pERSON”
Our insecurities often keep us isolated. We all have ugliness inside of us, and many of us spend our lives trying to hide it. Not because we are malicious or liars, but because we want to be loved.
Many of us fear that people will figure out that we have MAJOR shit and leave us, which is very scary.
How do we combat this fear? Simple. We tell people (not everyone, but “our people”) about our shit. You see, if we tell people about our shit, we don’t have to be scared that they will find out (because we have already told them).
Your challenge for this week is to find at least one person that you would be willing to share your “ugly” with. Over the next few weeks, you will be talking to this person about the things you are learning about yourself. This person will encourage you. They will not shame you for being a work in progress. (Don’t know what to say? No worries. Have them read this and then say, “Will you be my person?”)
This is a vital, most important, extremely essential step to growing in our security. As we discover things about ourselves, we will need support. Trust me.
You may have one person or maybe you have three. We are looking for quality, here, over quantity. This could be your mom, your boyfriend, your wife, your aunt, your dad, your husband, a sibling, your counselor or a friend.
Some of you instantly know who “your people” are, and for some of you this will be a challenge. Think it through, but I hope you can think of at least one person.
(IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not choose someone just because they “should” be a safe place for you. Unfortunately, there are people that cannot be trusted with our insecurities. Who has shown that they are there for you? Think about it this way, if something horrible happened to you today, who would be the first person you would call? This will be someone who gives you comfort, peace and guidance.)
When we doubt who we are, we need someone there to remind us that we have great value, that even when we fail we are worthy of love. The people who love us can help guide us. They can show us love when we can’t show it to ourselves.
“Our people” are our team, our tribe, they are our warriors. They will fight with us, stand with us, lift us up and cheer us on. They will be with us and help us as we transform our “ugly” into beauty. They know we are awesome, believe in our potential and see that we are growing each day.
None of us want to fail, but we will. I know it sounds crazy, but I suggest that we invite “our people” into our failure. I am suggesting that we make ourselves vulnerable. It is scary to be vulnerable, but we must.
Let’s face our fears of rejection and failure and tell them they don’t control us. That’s right, over the next four weeks, we are going to face our fears, and all the while we are going to give our fears the middle finger. (Insert middle finger emoji.)
Let’s not live our life isolated merely because our fears intimidate us. Let’s turn the tables, choose freedom and cause our fears to be intimidated by us.
Click here for week two of our challenge!
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Who Are You? Only Conflict Will Tell.
My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.
Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….
My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.
Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….
I acted like it didn’t bother me.
At times, I have tried to push down my hurt and wait for my feelings to disappear. It seems like I should be able to “will” myself not to care, but I can’t because I do. We must understand that not dealing with conflict doesn’t mean we aren’t having any, it just means that we are living in denial. Don’t deny your pain, understand it. Hurt and pain that is left unaddressed will eventually change into bitterness, don’t let that happen.
Trying to avoid conflict will lead us to a very lonely place. Relationships with people come with conflict, if we can’t learn to navigate through it, we will find ourselves leaving a lot relationships.
I found someone who agreed with me.
I used to call a friend/s who would tell me that I was completely right in the situation and the other person was completely wrong. This conversation was always full of emotion and would always focus on the other person’s problems. Ultimately, I stopped dealing with conflict in this way because I realized it was not productive. I was avoiding the real issue, avoiding the person, talking behind their back and not getting anything resolved.
I confronted the conflict in my anger.
Unfortunately, there was a time in my life I confronted people in anger. I would pride myself that I had the balls to say what was “needed” and “I wasn’t scared.” I viewed this as a strength. The truth is that I wasn’t some valiant warrior fighting for truth and justice. I was an angry person, who was prideful and unable to control my emotions. Thank God, seriously, thank God that I no longer handle conflict in this way. This type of behavior is extremely selfish and self-centered. It comes from extreme insecurity masked by extreme confidence.
I used to be driven by the belief that there was right and there was wrong and my job was to stand for what was “right”; of course, I put myself as the judge. Interestingly, my opinion always seemed to be “right” and their opinion always seemed to be “wrong”.
So how do I handle conflict now?
First, I acknowledge that I am feeling hurt. I allow myself to be vulnerable. Some people run from vulnerability. My friends, I beg you, don’t run from your vulnerability, run to it. From my view, we need more vulnerability in this world.
Second, I decide if I even have the right to be angry. It is so easy for me to get pissed at things that are none of my business. I often have to tell myself to “just stop it”. I am not the boss of everyone and I do not always know best.
Thirdly, I talk it out with someone that will help ME work through MY emotions. Typically this person is Carter (poor guy, haha), but at times it is someone else. It is always someone who loves me and someone who I can trust with my heart. I tell them everything… I tell them what I am thinking and feeling. I talk about ME. My goal here is to find my peace again. My goal is not to be told that I am right. Actually, the people I go to rarely tell me that I am “right” or that I am “wrong”, most of the time they just listen and offer suggestions of why I may be experiencing these emotions.
Once I have found peace again, I go to the person and I talk, if I need to. Surprisingly, after working through my emotions I often find that I am fine with the situation and don’t need to.