Sorry, I Cannot Be What You Want

I am sorry I cannot be what you want me to be. You seem to have such specific requirements for me and I have disappointed you.

I didn’t want to let you down, but here we are.

I have been so focused on how you felt about me and my choices that I lost sight of who I am and the life I want to live. And sadly, I even started to blame you for my unhappiness. This isn’t fair and I promise to do better. My happiness is not in your hands and I free you from that burden you never asked to carry.

This has taken me some time to understand, but I see things differently now. I now see that I have to let go of your approval.

I have to let go of you.

I understand now that seeking your approval will be a chase that will never end. I will always need to do more.

I just can’t be what you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry.

I only have one life to live and I cannot spend it trying to read your mind.

I will no longer try to do the dance that you expect me to do, but I will do the dance that I have inside of me. I will not allow myself to be controlled by you or your disapproval.

I will no longer make decisions for my life based on the fear that you will not love me because I have finally learned that perfect love casts out fear.

I have to move forward in the life that I feel I am called to live and I free you to do the same. I bless you, even if you can’t return the blessing. This doesn’t mean I don’t value you because I do. It simply means I value the experience of finding freedom more than I need your approval.

I choose to love you, without condition and I will choose to love myself without the pressure to perform for you.

Please know, this isn’t about me rejecting you. Actually, it is the opposite.

This is about me accepting you.

And I know this may be hard for you to understand and you may never give me your blessing, but that’s ok.

I give you the grace to disapprove of me.

But I am loyal to my path.

And your disapproval is no longer enough to keep me from moving forward.

Blessings.

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The Truth about Unconditional Love

Growing up, I heard the term “unconditional love” a lot. Honestly, I had the mindset unconditional love was everywhere. I thought every friend and family member I had would love me, value me, and honor me without condition.

Of course, it didn’t take me long to learn the harsh reality that unconditional love wasn’t as common as I thought. In reality, there are a whole lot of conditions to the relationships we live, some spoken and some unspoken.

For years of my life, I tried really hard to “prove” my worthiness to my friends and family. I did this by trying to be the “perfect” daughter, sister, friend, and wife. Of course, I was nowhere near perfect and this left me exhausted.

I was constantly afraid I wasn’t going to measure up and in the end, they would figure out I wasn’t worthy of their love.

In my early twenties, I became a bit obsessed with trying to be “perfect”, had a minor life breakdown, and demanded I find a new way for myself to live.

I will never forget, standing in front of my bed, crying to my husband that I was exhausted, broken, and completely discouraged. I felt like I was failing at being who everyone wanted me to be.

I felt like a failure… and I was.

I was a failure at reading everyone’s mind. I was a failure at being perfect. I was a failure at being sure no one would ever reject me.

You see, I was extremely afraid my friends and family expected me to be perfect and I knew the truth.

I wasn’t.

I was so afraid once everyone figured it out they would leave me.

And I was afraid to be alone.

This breakdown led me to one of the best journeys of my life. I decided to stop trying to be perfect. I chose to stop trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I decided to stop trying to control everyone else and their choice to love me or not to.

I looked at my life and realized there were a few people I really did think loved me unconditionally. I chose to talk to them about what I was going through.

I had conversations with them and explained how much I had been afraid of failing them. I talked to them and owned it. This wasn’t their problem to fix. It was mine. I didn’t tell them so they could treat me with care. I told them so they could encourage me to find healing.

And they did.

Year by year, I learned I did have people in my life who loved me unconditionally.

I learned not everyone, but some people are willing to look at the worst parts of me and say,

“That’s ok, I love you”.

I learned it was ok to be the failure that I was.

I became obsessed with getting real with my crap. I didn’t tell everyone everything, but I made sure to at least tell someone everything.

I started feeling free for the very first time in my life.

No secrets.

Nothing left to be afraid of.

I began to understand not everyone in my life is even called to love me unconditionally and I don’t even need that anymore.

I have learned I have been given unconditional love from a few so I can now give unconditional love to many.

And maybe in the end, that’s what it has always been about.

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7 Things Holding Us Back in Life

What if there is more to my life than what I am living? With all of my heart, I want to live the life that I am supposed to live while I am on this earth, but what if I miss it? What if I get to the end of my life, look back and think,

“My God, what did I do?”

This thought haunts me at times, never enough to leave me paralyzed, but enough to keep me moving. I want this life to matter. I want my life to matter. I want to challenge myself. I want to challenge others to keep moving forward. This life does have a purpose and that purpose is unique for each of us. It is vital that we get our head in the game. We get no second chances. We only get today, we only get right now.

What is holding us back from living our fullest life?

Fear

Fear keeps us living in the future. Fear tells us that our present moment is for preparing for, or worrying about, our next one. We need to have a strong stance against our fear.

 Fear will keep us stuck in a future that often never comes.

Fear keeps us fixated on our nightmares titled “what-if”. Make no mistake about it, our fear will steal our lives from us if we let it.

To live in the most dreaded fantasies of our future is to forget to live our present moment and to forget to live our present moment is to not live at all…

Shame

  Fear keeps us stuck in the future, but our shame keeps us stuck in the past. We all have a relationship with shame, some more than others. Our shame keeps a close eye on us. It is always there to remind us that we have failed and that we most likely will again.

Our shame keeps us tiptoeing through life and intimidated to live free.

We all have moments that we fail and then we all have those moments that we fear we may be a failure. During our moments of failing, we must hold fast to the belief that despite our falling short, we are not a failure. We must learn to offer ourselves grace.

Secrets

 Our secrets keep us isolated. No matter how many people we have living around us we will always be alone if we can’t find a way to live openly and honestly. Our secrets stay in the darkness whispering to us that we should always keep them protected.

Of course, we don’t want to tell the people that we love that we have ugly things within ourselves, but we must. It is imperative that we find a way to invite people into our darkness. Not everyone, but someone.

If we truly want to live free, we must find a way to live an honest life, no matter how much it scares us.

Lack of Self-Awareness

I am a full believer in self-evaluation. We need to understand ourselves. We need to understand our strengths, our weakness, and our brokenness. We need to own that we are made up of both beauty and ugly and that it is our job to sort through it all and own it all. It is our job to grow, it is our job to heal.

Blaming our life on our circumstances

This is perhaps one of the most common, yet most unacknowledged thing that is holding us back from our life. We believe that our problems in life are caused by our circumstances. We think that our work, our marriage, our friends, or our parents are the problem. NO. They are not our problem. Our circumstances are not the problem.

Our problem is that we do not know how to thrive through our difficulty.

We want someone to blame so that we don’t have to take responsibility. Even when life or people disappoint us, it is ultimately our responsibility to decide how it will affect our life moving forward.

Distractions

Wow. Right now in life, this is a big one. Our technology gives us an endless supply of distractions. In a life that seems to constantly be bustling around me, I often turn to my phone for an escape. I am fully aware that I have missed precious moments while I was looking for a distraction that never seems to satisfy.

We must seek to live present. Have time on social media, sure, but do so on purpose and not accidentally wasting large amounts of our lives in little chunks of time.

Seeking Validation

We are living in such an interesting time because we are constantly able to receive instant validation. Feeling down? Post a cute pic and instantly start receiving likes to remind yourself that you are awesome… or not.

At some point, we have to own our worth for ourselves. We cannot rely on other people, online or in real life, to give us our self-confidence.

If you want to live confident there are steps you will have to take and none of those steps involve someone else doing it for you.

There are many things that can keep us from living our best life, but my advice is to get real, live present, and push forward.

Don’t ever give up on the life that you want to live and the person that you want to be.

Besides, what else do you have to do?

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I Am Dedicated to Dying Without Bitterness

I have a lot of goals in this life. One of my goals is to die without bitterness.

Maybe you think this is a silly goal, but as I have gotten older, it is becoming more and more apparent how difficult this is going to be.

There are so many disappointing things that happen in this life.

As a child many of us believed that the sky was the limit. We looked at adulthood with longing, because we thought it would be filled with freedom. It seemed clear that our adult life would be the place that all of our dreams would magically come true.

We couldn’t wait to grow up.

However, as we enter into adulthood our hopes can quickly be met with a harsh dose of reality.

Adult life can feel quite monotonous and disappointing.

Our timeline for things like promotions, marriage or children is often different than we hoped. Our career can feel suffocating or stagnant. The money doesn’t always pour in like we expected. Married life is not always the honeymoon we thought it would be and parenting can often be more exhausting than we imagined.

Friendships can be difficult to maintain through the years. Unfortunately, some of our relationships become lost altogether.

And then there are the seasons of life that utterly break our heart and almost break us completely.

It is easy to become cynical.

Without even realizing it, our disappointment can lead us to embrace bitterness. Not all at once, but a little bit at a time.

The way I see it, I have two options:

to own my bitterness or refuse it.

To be clear, I know that bitterness comes with many benefits.

When I am hurt, I can use bitterness as an “off” switch. It allows me to hold onto my expectations and resent the way that things turned out. I can then move forward without processing my disappointment, grieving or forgiving anyone.

Bitterness can be quite comforting when I don’t want to walk through the healing process.

Becoming bitter can happen quite naturally, but it comes at a high cost.

Yes, it gives me a free pass not to heal, but it also keeps me stuck in the pain of my experience. My disappointments will forever have a hold on me until I choose to process them.

I am dedicated to living a life without bitterness.

The way I see it, it is a priority for me to master being disappointed. Not because I enjoy disappointment, but because I want to live free.

Freedom.

The freedom I sought as a child is the very thing I am longing to protect.

My freedom to dream.

My freedom to hope.

The freedom to be me genuinely and not hardened by life.

I will not take responsibility for everything that happens to me in my life, I will take full responsibility for what I do with it.

Bitterness is not for me, that is for sure.

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Five Things to Do When Your Life Is In the Dumps

Take it from a person who has quite literally had most of her stuff in a dumpster. Life can hand us a crappy hand every now and then.

Sometimes we look around and think, how did I get here? But most importantly, how do I get out of here?? Here are a few tips that I have learned for when life hands us lemons:

1.     Be disappointed.

Cry. It is ok to be disappointed. Grieve the things that you have lost. Grieve your expectations. Grieve your plans. Let it out.

It is so important to allow yourself time to be disappointed, but it is just as important not to stay here longer than necessary. 

2.     Connect.

Reach out. Find your peeps. Cling close to the people who help support you, distance yourself from the people who stress you out.

When you reach out to your friends be sure to be real with them. Be vulnerable. Tell them the truth of how you feel, even if you know it sounds crazy. Listen to what they have to say.

When we talk to other people, it allows us to hear a different perspective, which is vital when our own perspective is clouded.

I hope that you have at least two people that you can talk openly to about all the ups and downs of the past, and just as importantly, the steps to move forward.

3.      Disconnect.

When life brings struggle, take a break from Social Media. Social Media can be great, but when our lives feel like they are at rock bottom it can certainly cause us some unnecessary anxiety.

If you need a distraction from your situation, meet up with a friend, pick up an inspiring book, cook or create something, or even watch a your favorite movie.

For heaven’s sake, do not sit down and relish other people’s “amazing” lives. Talk about salt in an open wound.

Disconnect from things that are not beneficial to you, but not from your friends and family that are vital to move forward.

4.      Reflect.

It is important to look over your journey. What led you to this point? What choices did you make that could have prevented this? Not from a place of shame or fear, but from a place of humility and learning to grow from your experience.

Some situations cannot be avoided, but it is still important to take a step back and evaluate your circumstance.

5.      Look ahead.

Who are you now? Who do you want to be in the future? No matter what our circumstances are, we have the ability to grow into the person we want to be.

We must be sure that we do not compromise our long term goals and hopes for this momentary setback.

I hate bad days; however, there are so many beautiful things to experience when we are going through a struggle. 

We cannot control our circumstances, but we must take ownership of our journey. 

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Learning to Let Go and Live Free

I used to have a hard time letting go of things.  I would hold on to my bitterness, hurt, anger, and disappointments.  I carried them around with me long after they had happened and I prided myself with my ability to do so.

I felt like if someone told me to let go of these things, it meant they didn’t value how hard the experience was for me. I actually felt it was almost offensive for them to suggest.

“How dare you tell me to forgive someone who hurt me so deeply. You obviously don’t care about the pain that they caused me.”

“How dare you tell me that I should just let something go.”

It wasn’t just my disappointment of others that I held onto. I would hold on to my own mistakes. I feared that if I let them go, then I might make that same one again. This scared me, because I was afraid of failure.

I didn't only carry my past with me. I also carried my future. You may be wondering, how could I hold on to something that hasn’t even happened yet?

Simple.

My expectations.

I used to hold on to my expectations and my plans as if they were glued to me. I had no plans of letting go.

Carrying all of these things made me feel powerful. Honestly, I used to think that letting go was for weak people. It was for those people who just couldn’t handle the stresses of life.

I loved control.

It made me feel safe. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I felt as if I simply controlled enough things that I would never be disappointed. That makes sense, right?

Except for one little problem.

I was so impressed with how much I was carrying that I never realized how much it was holding me back.

My past was turning me bitter and my future was filling me with fear.

All the time that I thought I was in control over it all, my past, my present and my future, I was actually not in control at all. Everything I was carrying had me trapped. It weighed me down.

I was a slave to it.

The past several years, I have dedicated my life to letting go. Letting go is not something that has come naturally for me in the slightest. It is a learned behavior.

Some things in life are simple and this is one of them.

Hold on or let go.

If we choose to hold onto our disappointments and fears in life, it will hold us back. Make no mistake about it, the very thing we think we are controlling will end up controlling us.

If we choose to own our brokenness and choose to forgive, release, and heal then we get to walk free.

There is no way around it. It is simple. Not easy, but simple. And beyond worth it.

I challenge you today to release the heavy load that you are carrying around. Only in letting go have I been able to find myself.

You may just find the same to be true.

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Learning to Be a Bully

I have been working on my ability to be a bully. I know what you are thinking, “Haley, it is not good to be a bully.” And for the most part, I agree with you.

I don’t believe in bullying people. Ever. I don’t believe in demeaning people and I believe that all people deserve to be valued.

However, this is an exception to that rule. In my opinion, this guy is the biggest bully I know and he deserves to be bullied in return.

In fact, he has probably tried to bully you too.

Do you know him?

His name is Fear.

To be honest, we weren’t always enemies. There was a time in my life that I actually thought we were friends. I trusted him to help guide me in my life. He would tell me what I should and shouldn’t do and I would obey. 

I thought he was protecting me.

I thought he was watching out for me and my best interest. I heard his concerns and I obeyed his commands. He ruled me.

Fear was the god of my life that I never realized I had.

I thought we were partners making decisions together until I recognized that I was never allowed to disagree with him. It was always his way or the highway.

The partnership I thought we had was actually a dictatorship.

He controlled me and he began to turn me into someone I never wanted to be. My life began to feel like it was slipping from my fingers. I was losing myself.

I had to take a stand.

So I did.

I put him in his place and told him how I felt. I wasn’t going to take his crap anymore. When I started walking away, he got mean. He began to taunt me and tell me that I wouldn’t make it without him.

He began to bully me.

How could I have ever thought this jerk was my friend?

He was not my friend.

As I continued to defy him, I was able to see his true intentions. All this time, I thought he was holding me back from death and he was actually holding me back from life.

His intentions were to take everything from me without me even knowing he had.

I was done with his manipulation. However, it wasn’t that simple. I was unable to get his voice completely out of my life, so I had to learn how to make choices for my life without considering his input.

To this day, when he tries to invite himself back into my life, I put him right back where he belongs.

In the corner. Out of my way.

We have a mutual understanding. He taunts me and I taunt him right back. He belittles me and I belittle him. We bully one another, yet I have learned that I hold all of the cards.

Every time he attempts to interfere with my plans, I look him in the eye and remind him that he resides in the corner of my life.

He is allowed to talk, but only because I haven’t quite figured out how to muzzle him yet.

To tell you the truth, I don’t even mind him in the corner so much. I like to look him in the face, tell him what I am going to do and then make him watch.

Fear is no longer my dictator, but he is merely a spectator to all of my awesomeness.

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Shame Is the Name of the Game

Have you ever been overwhelmed with shame? Have you ever felt shame for a choice or a mistake that you made? Maybe you have felt shame for not being the same as someone else? Or felt ashamed for being “you”? Have you ever felt like you aren't enough?

Shame is interesting. When we are shaming someone else, we feel superior. We feel that we are better than them because “we would never do that” or “say that” or “be that”. When we experience shame within ourselves, it makes us feel inferior. “How can I struggle with this?” or “Why did I say that?” or “Why did I do that?”

Shame is woven into our culture. It is used in our marriages, friendships, parenting, religion, politics, workplaces… It is everywhere. I am particularly talking about how we use it to dishonor and disgrace people.

Shame has a strange way of connecting people together. Many people and cultures embrace the idea of shaming others. They value shame. Entire movements have been fueled by it. People love to join together and shame others for their choices.

Shame is one of the loudest voices in the world right now.

Why?

Because it works.

Shame is often used to manipulate people. It keeps people “in line” and is powerful enough to control behavior. When someone uses shame on us, it connects us to our deepest fear of being rejected.

 “If I am not good enough, they will leave me.”

 “If I don’t measure up, they will not love me.”

Shame is a mighty force, but shame can’t possibly compare to the power of love. Love gives grace and mercy to accept us in our current condition.

Love gives us security.

“I love you just as you are.”

Shame gives us a threat.

“If you don’t measure up, I will leave you.”

Shame is powerful, but let me warn you, it only has the power to put people in shackles. Shame loves to keep people enslaved with guilt. It keeps us afraid and confined. I wonder how many of us have been too afraid to be honest about our internal struggles because we are unsure if we will be loved once we are.  

Shame keeps us in bondage.

Love gives us freedom.

Even if we decide we don’t want to live a life of shame, other people will try to give it to us. Some people don’t want to live without it. We cannot control the choices they make, but we can control the ones we make.

We must stop allowing shame to dictate our lives.

I have yet to meet a person who has arrived to the destination of “Perfection”. We must stop believing that we only have value if we are perfect. We must find a way to love the fact that we are a work in progress. Our value must not come from our degree of perfection, but from the fact that we are a human being.

It is vital that we get rid of the sliding scale that we use to measure people’s worth… including our own.

We are all on a journey, and this journey should not be treated with shame, but with appreciation. We should be grateful for the continual opportunity to learn, grow and become even more beautiful than we were yesterday.

We must not let the shame of who we have been keep us from the glory of who we are becoming. 

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