My Kids Don't Need a Perfect Mom

There I was, driving in my car, completely overwhelmed with mom guilt. I hadn’t handled everything perfectly and I felt bad.

I should have done it better. I should have been better.

I felt I should be a better mom and I began to devise a plan to never fail… ever again.

Because that’s what a good mom does, right?

Of all the things to be a failure at, we don’t want to fail at raising other human beings.

Motherhood is this big giant thing that none of us want to get wrong. There is so much that we handle, dinners, dressing our kids, school parties and activities, watching over their health, social interactions, friendship struggles, all the while trying to be sure we are raising kind, respectful, fun to be around human beings.

It’s kind of a lot of pressure.

And moms carry a lot of the load.

Sometimes as a mom it can all feel so heavy.

It is a huge undertaking to raise little humans. One big task that is built of a hundred small tasks in a day. We can easily begin to believe each of these small tasks is the breaking point to whether our children will succeed or not.

It can begin to feel like it all depends on us doing it right.

As I drove in the car that day, I had a realization. I was making a mistake, but not the one I thought I had made.

I was holding myself to an impossible standard.

Perfection.

Instead of allowing myself to be human, and simply give myself grace for the small failure. I was being too hard on myself.

As I thought about it, I realized this was a major problem.

First of all, I’m not perfect and never will be, so attempting to achieve perfection was always going to leave us all disappointed.

Second of all, even if I were, can you imagine how horrible that would be for my children?

I mean, really.

Can you imagine growing up and have a perfect person be your role model? As if, my children need an impossible bar they will never be able to reach?

My children don’t need me to be perfect. In fact, that’s the last thing they need.

They need me to fail, so they can see how I get back up. They need to see me get it wrong. They need to see me overreact, underreact, and react just right.

They don’t need me to be perfect. They need me to teach them how to be imperfect.

They need me to teach them how messy and imperfect life can be because that is the life they will have to face for themselves one day.

I do not want to raise my children in a bubble of perfection. Where nothing is ever out of place, ever forgotten, or ever mishandled.

I want to teach them about real life and lots of things to go imperfectly in life.

They don't needle to be a perfect mom. They need me to be the imperfect mom who falls on her face, owns it, gets back up, and tries again. All while giving myself grace and encouraging my kids to do the same.

What if failing is not the worst thing I could ever do as a mom, but one of the best?

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The Place Where Healing Resides

Healing has been a theme of my life for many years now. I have learned so much about the process and the journey it truly takes to experience freedom in our life.

I am now convinced we miss out on so many moments to heal because we don't understand the cost and uncomfortable experience healing entails.

We have embraced the lie that healing looks like reading a good book or making a new habit.

That's not true. Those things are great and they can certainly lead to growth, but healing itself consists of facing our brokenness and finding the courage to own it as our responsibility.

Healing occurs when we start recognizing and owning our imperfections.

It involves us going into the darkest parts of ourselves with a small light and seeking answers to why we react the way we do, why we feel what we feel, and believe what we believe. It means no longer taking the “free pass” of blaming our frustrations, anger, bitterness, fear, and other emotions on everyone else.

As much as I hate to say this, the key to our healing is actually found in our failures, brokenness, and shortcomings. Which, unfortunately, most of us spend our lives trying to avoid.

We believe it is important not to make mistakes, so we spend more time trying to prove we don’t make them at all than learning why we do.

We all fall short. We all fail. We all get it wrong sometimes.

All of us.

Don't avoid your failure. Face it. Seek to understand who you are... Really.

And when you do find yourself in a situation of failure try this instead...

Let it Simmer.

Accept the failure.

Do not run from it. Don't act on your emotions. Do not pretend it isn't happening.

Be still.

See it. Own it.

Acknowledge your vulnerability. Share your failure with someone in your life.

Choose to find worth in yourself even though you failed, not despite it.

Embrace the process.

Choose to trust.

Seek truth, not validation. Seek to understand why you did what you did and why it seemed like the best choice at the time.

This is not about proving you didn't fail. This is about understanding why you did and understanding that it’s ok.

You are not perfect and you will never be.

Rest in grace.

This experience feels bad, but it is not bad. It is uncomfortable and necessary.

This is the place healing resides.

This is where you find redemption.

Don't run from this. Rest in it.

It is not bad to fail. It is not a bad thing to be vulnerable. This, in fact, is the very thing that makes you human.

Your redemption is not found in your perfection, but in how you handle your imperfection.

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It’s Ok to Make Mistakes {But Not Really}

“It’s ok to make mistakes.”

This is something I have heard since I was a kid. As I have gotten older, I have become increasingly aware of how untrue this statement is.

When is the last time that you made a mistake? A real mistake. How was it handled? Were you given grace for your mistake? Shame? Consequence? Punishment? Retribution?

More often than not, I have seen people pay for the mistakes they have made. We don’t act like it is just “ok” to make a mistake. Small or large we like people to be held accountable for their missteps.

We like things to make sense and people paying for their mistakes makes sense.

There was a time in my life I became a little bit obsessed with trying not to make a mistake. Let’s say this a bit differently…

There was a time in my life that I tried to be perfect.

And I failed.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be perfect. (Big surprise.)

The more I tried not to make a mistake, the more aware I became of my mistakes, and the more I obsessed over them. I had no ability to offer myself grace because I felt so aware of my inadequacy. I felt like a failure.

My life became quite miserable.

I just didn’t know how to make mistakes and be ok with it. I did not have the skill to fail well. To be honest, I am still learning how to fail appropriately.

It is hard for me to feel it is simply “ok” to make a mistake. It doesn’t feel ok.

I often replay the experience over and over in my head. Each time a fresh wave of shame is there to make my face feel warm and shoulders feel tight. I do not like to say things I shouldn’t have said and do things I shouldn’t have done.

 I do not like to get things wrong. I like to get things right.

However, it seems that my mistakes are a part of my life that I am unable to remove. Maybe that is the point?

Maybe this life should be less about trying to strive for perfection and more about living in grace.

Abundant grace made available for any mistake that has been and that is yet to come. Grace for the mistakes and grace for the failures. Grace for others and grace for ourselves.

Instead of attempting to live in a façade of perfection, I will choose to embrace the messy reality of who I am. I own the fact that I am not perfect and I never will be. I embrace it and I will choose to be kind to myself as I do my best in this life.

I can guarantee that I will not do it perfectly, but that’s ok because…

“It’s ok to make mistakes.”

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Learning to Fail

Recently, I was talking to Carter and was anxiously telling him about a failure. You know those moments that you are face to face with the inevitable fact that you have failed something or someone?

Ugh! I HATE those moments.

I do.

I was worked up and nervously talking away. When all of the sudden Carter stopped me, put his arms around me, looked me in the eyes and said two amazingly perfect words.

“Be Free.”

He continued to tell me that it was fine, that I was fine and that I had to learn to let these things go.

It was fine.

I was fine.

For the past decade of my life, I have been trying to learn how to fail and after ten plus years, I still don’t know exactly how to do it. Of course, I can fail. Failing is inevitable, but I am still learning how to fail well.

How can I still be here after so many years of believing in grace?

How is it possible that I am still so affected by my failure? Why are my limitations, mistakes, and misunderstandings so scary to me? I have come so far, but I still have a long ways to go.

In the past, when I have failed, I felt the need to cover up my failure and hide my mistakes. At the same time, I would defend my value as if it was something that needed defending. 

During my failure, there was always a little voice taunting me... What if my fears are true? What if my fail is a sign that I not only failed, but I am a failure?? But worse, what if I am a failure who is destined to fail forever?

What if I not only got it wrong but what if I am wrong?  What if I don't just make mistakes. What if I am the mistake? 

(insert tear.)

Several years ago, I became quite aware that my fear of failure could have the potential to steal my entire life from me. I rallied myself, gathered some peeps around me to help me stay on track, and I went forth into the world determined not to let my fear of failure steal from my life. 

I really don't enjoy failure. I am more of an enjoyer of success. Success is fun, but I don’t believe that we learn jack squat during our successes. Now our failures are a different story... our failures are full of opportunities.

Our failures show us our fears.

Our failures show us our weaknesses.

Our failures give us an opportunity to experience grace.

Do not get me wrong, I still do not enjoy failing, but I have learned to value the process. Learning to fail has taught me a lot about who I am and the fears that are within me. I have and will continue to fail. And that's ok.

We must embrace the role that failure will play in our lives.

Our goal should not be to not fail.

Our goal should be to learn how.

My fails still bother me at times, but no matter how hard I fall on my face I choose to be kind to myself. I evaluate my intentions and determine if they need any correction. If they do, I own it. When I struggle to have grace for myself, I ask someone to help me move forward without shame.

Perhaps the greatest change I have made is that I no longer act like it isn't happening. I face it so that I can learn from it. I choose to grow instead of choosing to remain the same. I own my issues. I own my mistakes. 

I own my failure.

I choose to heal and move forward fully knowing that I will fail again, but no longer allowing it to keep me from living the life I was meant to live.

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I Am Insecure: Part Three {Rejection Sucks}

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Welcome back to our series on insecurity! Part One, we talked about finding “our person” and Part Two, we discussed facing our insecurity. We touched on it in Part One, but this week, we are going to further discuss the fear and risk of rejection when we are honest about our insecurities.  

Rejection sucks.

I hate it.

  This is where all of this “talk” about insecurities becomes very difficult. In a perfect world, I would simply say…

“Let’s choose to confront our insecurities and talk them out with someone in our life.  Let’s talk with our dad… wife… sister… or friend… and tell them everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don’t worry, they will love us because that is what love does. Love loves despite imperfection and regardless of failure.”

However, we all know that it is not that simple.

Being rejected by someone we trust is heart wrenching. These are the moments that we expected unconditional love, but we didn’t receive it. They told us they would never leave us... but they did. We opened up to them only to have them tell us that we weren’t worth loving.

 The times that we long to be chosen, but aren’t, can be some of the most powerful experiences in our lives.

I am convinced that our experiences with rejection greatly shape how we live. Rejection alters the way we see ourselves and our imperfections.

Rejection tries to define us as "unworthy to love" in our current condition.

If you struggle being honest about your internal struggles, start small. Find someone you trust and risk rejection. It is not necessary to tell everyone in your life every insecurity you have. Start by telling just one person and then see if you feel the need to talk to anyone else. Keeping it more private allows you to be able focus on healing and not on everyone’s differing perceptions and opinions.

If you have had repeated rejection by those who are close to you, I might recommend reaching out to a counselor to help you take wise & personalized steps as you open yourself back up to vulnerability.

Rejection sucks, but there is something that I believe sucks greater than rejection.

 Loneliness.

I have learned through the years that keeping up the appearance of perfection is quite exhausting and lonely. I fail to see the point in living a life that isn’t lived to the fullest, honestly and authentically. We either learn to let people into our vulnerable places, or we live a life of pretending to be something we aren't.

I want to be chosen, but I want to be chosen for who I really am.

I wish, with all of my heart and soul that I could tell you that you will be loved in this life no matter what, but I can’t. Unfortunately,  in this world, love is often very conditional. Things would be so much simpler if love never failed, but it often does fail, because love is only as foolproof as the people giving it… and people fail.

Rejection sucks, but experiencing unconditional love is more than worth the risk. Some of the most meaningful experiences of my life thus far are the moments that someone has chosen to love me in my imperfections and failure.

I will never forget the times that I have sat down, defeated, broken-hearted and ashamed, looked into the eyes across from me and heard the words,

“I love you still”.

 

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