It Is Vital My Kids Learn This One Skill...

There are so many things I hope to teach my children. In many ways, teaching them all the things I hope to feels like an impossible task. However, there are a few skills that I focus heavily on to teach my kids. I believe one of the very best things I can do is teach my children…

Their choices matter.

A lot.

One way I teach them the power of their choices is to not remove all the possibilities to make wrong ones. I keep some temptation in reach so they get to choose for themselves.

For instance, when my daughter was three years old she got a makeup set. I put it in a drawer she could reach, but I told her she was only allowed to use the makeup when she asked and I approved. This proved to be a struggle for her. She loved her makeup and wanted to use it whenever she wanted. She didn’t want to ask and she didn’t want to have any rules with her makeup.

This provided her an opportunity to learn about choices and to practice self-control.

The first time she used it without asking, I told her she had lost the privilege of the makeup for a certain length of time but I kept it in the same drawer.

I didn’t remove the choice.

I gave her another opportunity to respect or disrespect the rule.

I explained if she used the makeup again without asking, I would put it in a place she couldn’t reach for a much longer time. Ultimately, if she wasn’t willing to respect the rules she wouldn’t get to keep the makeup and we could try again when she was older.

Through the years, she used restraint at times and other times not so much. She has lost the privilege of makeup for weeks at a time and kept it for months at a time.

The makeup has been up high and the makeup has been down low.

When she chose to ask BEFORE using it, I made a big deal out of how respectful SHE had chosen to be. I would always tell her I knew how hard it was for her to ask before using it. I always clarified that it was her choice and she had made a great, respectful choice.

I would celebrate her self-control because self-control is something to celebrate.

You may be asking yourself, why would I put myself through this? Why not put the makeup on the top shelf so I didn’t have to deal with the hassle?

Simple.

This has nothing to do with makeup.

This is about my job to prepare my children for the world. This is about raising human beings that can be around something they want and refrain from taking it. This is about learning they don’t always get to do whatever they want.

This is about learning respect. Both, respect for authority and respect for boundaries.

This is one example of hundreds of times I have given my children a choice to control themselves… or not to.

When I set a boundary, I hope they will respect it, but truthfully, when they don’t I am given a grand opportunity. I am given an opportunity to teach them I can be trusted when I speak and I will follow through on what I say. I am given the opportunity to teach them their choices matter and they will reap what they sow.

I am given the opportunity for them to fail and have to face it. I am given the opportunity to show them grace, speak truth to them, and forgive them. I am given the opportunity to give them another chance. Of course, after the consequence has been fulfilled.

I am not going to wait until my children are teenagers and I realize it is too late for me to teach them self-control and they have to learn it the hard way with much larger consequences.

I hope they can learn in these early years how much their choices matter. I hope they can understand how hard it can be to control themselves, but there is great pride in doing so.

My dream for my children is they can be adults who are capable of owning their choices and controlling themselves.

Even when it’s something as “tempting” as a brand new makeup set…

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Having One Child Was Harder than Having Four

Motherhood is hard. Period. Whether you have one, two, or twenty children you will feel stretched to the max. However, I recently had my fourth child and I have been surprised by how easily our life has transitioned with our most recent addition. I have been thinking back to what life was like as a new mom and I can’t help but feel it has been easier to have four children than it was to have one.

Let me explain…

I know how I like to parent.

When I had my first child I sought a lot of advice. I quickly learned what works great for someone else doesn’t necessarily work for me. It took a long time to find my groove, but in time, I did. Now, I understand all of us parent very differently. What works for you may or may not work for me and that is perfectly fine!

I understand none of it lasts forever… actually, it all goes fast.

Our first child was a happy baby, but she didn’t like to sleep. I will never forget living in a daze for months wondering if this was going to be the rest of my life. Is this motherhood? Feeling like a zombie?

How are all these other moms walking around looking like normal people?

I felt so overwhelmed. Now I know that no matter how hard a stage is, whether it is a sleepless baby or a tantrum throwing toddler, none of it lasts forever. Actually, looking back, it goes very quickly which helps me not get so overwhelmed by frustrating stages.

Zipper pajamas.

Pajamas that zip, gripe water for hiccups, and muslin blankets, these are just a few of the things that I rely heavily on for my life with a baby. Simply put, I know the products I like and the systems I use to take care of my babies.

My life has not been turned upside down.

My life before kids was free of the chaos that children bring. After we had our daughter, our world was turned upside down. Crying, sleepless nights, bath times, and so many other changes came roaring into my life. After one child, I had to learn how I wanted to deal with all of these things. Eight years later, our life is still crazy, but we are no longer surprised by it! Adding another baby doesn’t seem so different.

I’m not alone. I have three helpers.

With our most recent child, our older children have been so helpful! They all love to help take care of their little brother. If each of them help me with ten small things a day, like putting their brothers pacifier in or getting me a diaper, that is thirty things I DIDN’T have to do! My oldest daughter has even been getting her brother dressed before school. She loves it and it is such a blessing!

I’ve learned its ok to still do the things I like to do.

For months after we had our first child, I felt consumed by motherhood. I honestly felt like I lost myself for a while. I often felt bad if I did things outside of being a mom. Now, I don’t feel bad. I have learned that it is not only helpful, but necessary for me to be a good mom.

I have passions and while my children are one of my greatest passions, they are not my only one.

I’ve learned babies cry.

Spoiler alert: babies cry. When I was a new mom, I felt every time my baby fussed or cried something must be wrong. I’ve learned, sometimes babies just cry. We can do our best to soothe them and meet their needs, but even the happiest babies will have moments that are hard to comfort and this is ok. This doesn’t mean anything about my mothering or if I have a good baby or not. It simply means, babies cry.

I know I’m a good mom and I’m don’t have to prove it.

Becoming a mom is stressful. Of all the things to fail at, I really didn’t want to fail at raising humans. I felt like I had to prove I was a good mom. Now, I get it. I don’t have to prove anything. I now know I am the best mom for my kids and I am a great one. Do I fail? Absolutely! But at the end of the day, I am raising amazing human beings and I have a built a confidence through the years that I didn’t have at first.

I don’t need this kid to be anything for me.

When I was expecting my first child, I had so many hopes and dreams. I wanted to have the perfect nursery, the perfect outfits, and the perfect child. See anything that might prove to be a problem here? Yeah, all of it. (Actually, her nursery was pretty perfect.) Obviously, no matter how much I tried, perfection was not going to happen. With my first, I put so much pressure and expectation on the experience. Now, four kids later, I don’t feel pressure, I feel free to enjoy the experience without the expectation for it to be perfect. I have “been there done that” and carry so much less pressure for my fourth sweet baby.

I don’t feel the need to keep it all together.

Motherhood is hard. No matter how long I do it and no matter how many kids I have there are moments I simply need to have a breakdown. I have to reach out to other moms for advice and support. Motherhood isn’t meant to be conquered, it is meant to be experienced. And that experience includes a lot of tears.

Motherhood is a crazy ride. Each year, heck, each day is a brand new adventure! I am no longer surprised by the chaos of it all. I know that some nights go as planned and some don’t.

Having four kids has a lot of crazy moments, but so does having one…

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My Kids Don't Need a Perfect Mom

There I was, driving in my car, completely overwhelmed with mom guilt. I hadn’t handled everything perfectly and I felt bad.

I should have done it better. I should have been better.

I felt I should be a better mom and I began to devise a plan to never fail… ever again.

Because that’s what a good mom does, right?

Of all the things to be a failure at, we don’t want to fail at raising other human beings.

Motherhood is this big giant thing that none of us want to get wrong. There is so much that we handle, dinners, dressing our kids, school parties and activities, watching over their health, social interactions, friendship struggles, all the while trying to be sure we are raising kind, respectful, fun to be around human beings.

It’s kind of a lot of pressure.

And moms carry a lot of the load.

Sometimes as a mom it can all feel so heavy.

It is a huge undertaking to raise little humans. One big task that is built of a hundred small tasks in a day. We can easily begin to believe each of these small tasks is the breaking point to whether our children will succeed or not.

It can begin to feel like it all depends on us doing it right.

As I drove in the car that day, I had a realization. I was making a mistake, but not the one I thought I had made.

I was holding myself to an impossible standard.

Perfection.

Instead of allowing myself to be human, and simply give myself grace for the small failure. I was being too hard on myself.

As I thought about it, I realized this was a major problem.

First of all, I’m not perfect and never will be, so attempting to achieve perfection was always going to leave us all disappointed.

Second of all, even if I were, can you imagine how horrible that would be for my children?

I mean, really.

Can you imagine growing up and have a perfect person be your role model? As if, my children need an impossible bar they will never be able to reach?

My children don’t need me to be perfect. In fact, that’s the last thing they need.

They need me to fail, so they can see how I get back up. They need to see me get it wrong. They need to see me overreact, underreact, and react just right.

They don’t need me to be perfect. They need me to teach them how to be imperfect.

They need me to teach them how messy and imperfect life can be because that is the life they will have to face for themselves one day.

I do not want to raise my children in a bubble of perfection. Where nothing is ever out of place, ever forgotten, or ever mishandled.

I want to teach them about real life and lots of things to go imperfectly in life.

They don't needle to be a perfect mom. They need me to be the imperfect mom who falls on her face, owns it, gets back up, and tries again. All while giving myself grace and encouraging my kids to do the same.

What if failing is not the worst thing I could ever do as a mom, but one of the best?

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Five Crazy Things That I Learned From Mom

Most of us are blessed with amazing women as moms. I am no exception. I am one of seven children and each of us will tell you that our mom had a major role in shaping who we are today.

My mom is a straight shooter who tells it as she sees it. She goes against a lot of what the world says today is “good parenting” and let me tell you that I am forever grateful for that. She was very involved in each of our lives but challenged us each step of the way. She never viewed it as her job to make life easy for us, but to equip us for this life.

Without my mom, I would not be who I am today, here are a few of the lessons she has taught me through the years.

We are not what we do

My mom constantly told us that our achievements did not define us. She actually warned us that finding great success can confuse us to where our real value should be found. For instance, my older brother played sports from the time he was three through college. I heard her say his entire life. “You are not what you do.” She even encouraged my sister who got amazing grades not to put her value in it.

My mom firmly believes that our value will never be safe if we base it on our achievements. She constantly encouraged all of us not to take our achievements to our heart, but to find our value in who we are, not what we do.

The World doesn’t revolve around me

I am one of seven kids. My parents were often unable to make it to every activity or achievement of mine because my siblings had conflicting activities. I, of course, had moments that I wished they were there, but over time I really embraced the reality that the world did not revolve around me.

I learned to value the things that other people had going on in their lives.

All of us kids understood there were only two of our parents and seven of us. If any of us ever complained about my parents not being there, we received very little sympathy. My mom expected us to know that we were important even if they were unable to make it to each event we had. Many people may feel this is sad, but to be honest, it is one of the things I value most about growing up with many siblings.

Intentions Matter

When we were growing up, my mom constantly challenged our “why”. Why were we doing what we are doing? We were constantly confronted about our intentions, not our actions.

Good grades, behaving, and doing well in sports, didn’t cut it for my mom. Whenever my mom felt suspicious, she called us out on it. Even for our “good” behaviors, she asked us about our motives.

I often felt she was blowing things out of proportion. But as I have gotten older, I realized that she wasn’t blowing things out of proportion. She was hitting the nail on the head. I hated it at the time, but only because she was usually right.

Differences should be celebrated

My family is filled with strong, opinionated, talented people. We are all different heights, with different looks, different strengths, and different weaknesses. This gave each of us plenty of opportunities to feel inadequate. My parents were not shy about celebrating our strengths and being honest about our weaknesses.

My mom loved that we were all different and encouraged us to embrace it. She still often talks about how much she loves our differences.

Embrace truth

My mom has zero desire to live in a La La Land and tends to highly offend people who value that lifestyle. As I have gotten older, it is one of the things I absolutely love most about her.  She calls it like she sees it and she sees it differently than most.

Even when I disagree with her, I appreciate her perspective. She sees the world in a unique way and I have learned a lot from her view.

I love you, mom. Thank you so much for who you are and all of the things that you were determined to teach us. I hope to do just as good as you in my attempt to raise a handful of human beings.

Wish me luck.

 

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My Life As a Mom is Slowly Flying By

I was 38 weeks pregnant when a scheduled C-section made me a mom. It was a beautiful Thursday morning in the Ozarks. Although I had not quite carried her full term, I felt more than overdue. I was ready to be a mom. It seemed that my entire life had led up to this point. I was ready to hold my baby. Up to that moment, she had only resided within me, but with a quick spinal block and a full surgical team, they pulled her from my womb.

And just like *that* she changed my world.

I remember being surprised that the doctor held my child up like a baby kitten by the back of the neck. I looked at her and instantly fell in love with the screaming baby being held like Simba.

They wrapped her up and brought her close to my face. Although I could hardly see her through my tears, I knew she was perfect. We took our pictures and fully celebrated. When it was time for her to go they wheeled her out of the room with her daddy by her side.

I’m sure it took more than a few minutes for them to finish up my procedure, but I don’t remember being separated for long. They took me into the post-op room and quickly brought Epsie to me. I cried and cried as I held her for the first time. She was the most beautiful being I had ever laid eyes on.

After longing for years to be a mom, this child had quite literally made my dreams come true.

The drugs started kicking in, my words began to slur together, and it was time for her bath, so she went off again and I stayed to rest after the morning’s exciting events.

This day was over six years ago now and so much has happened since.

These years as a mom have changed me. Not only do I feel like I have aged, but I am such a different person than I was on that day six years ago when I held her for the first time.

I have heard stories of how fast time goes by with children, but to tell you the truth, it hasn’t always felt like time was flying by. In many ways, it kind of feels like the last six years of my life have been filled with the time of thirty years. I have lived days that have felt like months and weeks that have felt like years. Some days the last fifteen minutes before Carter gets home from work have felt like an eternity that I might not survive.

There have been plenty of days when I felt like I was quite possibly losing my mind.

When I look at my life, the days seem to have slowed since having kids; however, when I look at my children, I can’t believe how quickly it has went. I am continually shocked by how old my Epsie Marie is looking. With each passing year it seems to grow more surreal to look at pictures of her past. Where is my baby? Where is that little girl who came out of me so tiny, yet fierce? Ready to tell the world that she had arrived.

How can her little life seem to have started just yesterday, but I struggle to remember what my life was before she was in it? 

How can time seem to tick forward so slowly and speed by all at once?

This year, I sent my sweet Epsie marie to kindergarten.

How is that possible? As I prepared to send her to school for her first year, I spent some time thinking about my mothering journey up to this point. 

Life as a mom is hard. It is a daily struggle that can often feel like we are ten steps behind where we should be. The mundane events bring with it many small and large defeats that leave us feeling unsure if we are doing things right. Our days are filled with many tasks that are left undone and moments that didn’t turn out as we expected.

But our years… our years are a different story. As we look back at our years, we are filled with gratitude. Suddenly, the dishes that were left in the sink and the child that threw more tantrums than acceptable isn’t that important.

It is then that we realize that those big things weren’t so big and the small things were more important than we realized.

As we look back, it is so much easier to see the beauty in the journey. We see our growing children and realize we have obviously been doing something right. It is so much easier to feel pride in it all and suddenly those long days don’t seem so long. Somehow those horrible moments that left us feeling defeated and overwhelmed are the very moments that make us feel proud now.

We did it.

We survived. And somehow through all the difficult moments, we learned how to thrive. This whole parenting gig is quite the experience but one that is absolutely a privilege to have.  

Much love and many blessings.

-Haley

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