Finding Confidence in a Surprising Place

I have a very outgoing personality. Most of the time, I naturally feel confident.

But through the years, I have learned that having an outgoing personality is not the same thing as being confident with who you are.

When life was going well, I felt confident. However, when I encountered circumstances that made me feel inadequate or insecure, I felt extremely aware of my negative qualities. In those moments, I felt ashamed and I lost my confidence.

How real is my confidence if it can be taken away by mere circumstance?

I wanted more.

For a long time, I thought the reason I struggled with confidence was because I possessed too many negative qualities. I tried hard to get rid of my “bad” qualities by working to grow my “good” qualities.

I thought that in time the good would eventually take out the bad, right?

Even after lots of effort, something would happen and my bad qualities would come and smack me in the face.

UGH!

I hated my faults. I viewed difficult circumstances as my enemy. I also became very defensive if anyone hinted that I was inadequate.

When my whole goal was to be perfect, it felt very personal when someone pinpointed my imperfection.

However, there was a major problem. I am far from perfect.

FAR.

In my life, I have been lazy, inconsiderate, selfish and self-centered. I have been rigid and defensive. I have been manipulative.

I have had many times of being flat “wrong”. I have projected blame on others when the blame lied with me. I have been quite blind to myself and have had an entitled attitude.

I have not always been a good friend. I have forgotten things I shouldn’t have and held on to things that I should’ve let go.

I have had many awkward moments where I find myself doing quite idiotic things. I am easily distracted and I can be weirdly paranoid. I am disheveled and forgetful. I often run late.

I can be a little “much” for some people.

It is common for me to speak before thinking and I often say stupid things. At the same time, I can overthink simple things.

I used to be utterly ashamed of these qualities.  I hated each and every one of them for making me feel so unlovable. I thought if I worked hard my "bad" qualities would eventually go away..

Makes sense, right?

Wrong.

I wasn't becoming confident. I was learning to hide. This was not my goal.

 I had to stop acting like I wasn’t broken. Whether I liked it or not, I was. It was time to face myself. The real me. It was time to decide if I really wanted to grow confident.

I was never going to find confidence until I embraced my brokenness.

I did not embrace these qualities to defend them. I embraced them so that I could accept them, I accepted them so that I could sort through them, then I sorted through them so that I could find healing.

Through years of learning to embrace my brokenness, I have experienced so much healing. I am more honest and authentic than I ever have been.

Who would’ve guessed that the key to finding confidence would not be in my perfection but my imperfection?

Not me.

DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED! Click Here.

I Am Insecure: Part Three {Rejection Sucks}

Like my shirt? Order yours at heart2heart.king@gmail.com

Welcome back to our series on insecurity! Part One, we talked about finding “our person” and Part Two, we discussed facing our insecurity. We touched on it in Part One, but this week, we are going to further discuss the fear and risk of rejection when we are honest about our insecurities.  

Rejection sucks.

I hate it.

  This is where all of this “talk” about insecurities becomes very difficult. In a perfect world, I would simply say…

“Let’s choose to confront our insecurities and talk them out with someone in our life.  Let’s talk with our dad… wife… sister… or friend… and tell them everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don’t worry, they will love us because that is what love does. Love loves despite imperfection and regardless of failure.”

However, we all know that it is not that simple.

Being rejected by someone we trust is heart wrenching. These are the moments that we expected unconditional love, but we didn’t receive it. They told us they would never leave us... but they did. We opened up to them only to have them tell us that we weren’t worth loving.

 The times that we long to be chosen, but aren’t, can be some of the most powerful experiences in our lives.

I am convinced that our experiences with rejection greatly shape how we live. Rejection alters the way we see ourselves and our imperfections.

Rejection tries to define us as "unworthy to love" in our current condition.

If you struggle being honest about your internal struggles, start small. Find someone you trust and risk rejection. It is not necessary to tell everyone in your life every insecurity you have. Start by telling just one person and then see if you feel the need to talk to anyone else. Keeping it more private allows you to be able focus on healing and not on everyone’s differing perceptions and opinions.

If you have had repeated rejection by those who are close to you, I might recommend reaching out to a counselor to help you take wise & personalized steps as you open yourself back up to vulnerability.

Rejection sucks, but there is something that I believe sucks greater than rejection.

 Loneliness.

I have learned through the years that keeping up the appearance of perfection is quite exhausting and lonely. I fail to see the point in living a life that isn’t lived to the fullest, honestly and authentically. We either learn to let people into our vulnerable places, or we live a life of pretending to be something we aren't.

I want to be chosen, but I want to be chosen for who I really am.

I wish, with all of my heart and soul that I could tell you that you will be loved in this life no matter what, but I can’t. Unfortunately,  in this world, love is often very conditional. Things would be so much simpler if love never failed, but it often does fail, because love is only as foolproof as the people giving it… and people fail.

Rejection sucks, but experiencing unconditional love is more than worth the risk. Some of the most meaningful experiences of my life thus far are the moments that someone has chosen to love me in my imperfections and failure.

I will never forget the times that I have sat down, defeated, broken-hearted and ashamed, looked into the eyes across from me and heard the words,

“I love you still”.

 

DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!

I Am Insecure: Part Two {Avoid It and It Goes Away, Right?}

Welcome back to our “I Am Insecure” series! We are happy to have you here! If you are just now joining us, please be sure to check-out week one of our series, Find Your Person, before you read this! You will be glad that you did!

Week Two

 how do we react to our insecurities?

Once upon a time, I had a small leak under my faucet. I didn’t know how to fix it, so I decided to close the cabinet doors and not mess with it. Out of sight, out of mind. Later, I realized the water was beginning to leak out of the cabinet. So I found a rug and placed it in front of the cabinet to absorb the water. It instantly seemed better. Weeks later, I thought the floor might be becoming soft, but I figured it was fine. Months went by and one day, while standing at the sink, I fell through the floor completely. So what did I do? I found a bigger, thicker rug to lay over the hole. Then I stood in front of the sink to make sure that no one would ever come close enough to see the hole.

Growing up, this is how I handled my insecurities...

I avoided them.

If something inside of me made me feel uncomfortable, I tried to hide it. I pushed it down, and it would eventually go away… for a while. When it came back, I would find a new way to cover it.

I viewed my insecurities as a bad thing, because they made me feel vulnerable, and my vulnerability made me feel uncomfortable.

When I felt insecure, I handled it in a variety of ways… At times, I would ignore the feelings and just “wait it out” until I eventually stopped feeling upset. Or sometimes, I would try to convince people that I didn’t care. Other times, I would try to divert attention by getting angry and placing the blame on someone else. “If they would’ve just… I would not have…”  

Now I realize I was looking at it all wrong. I was spending all of my energy covering up my areas of imperfection, and nothing was actually being changed within me.

I have learned that the longer I ignore my insecurities, the larger they become.

I no longer try to hide my insecurities... instead, I challenge myself to deal with them. Whether we deal with them or not, our insecurities are a part of us. When we avoid them, we are missing out on opportunities to grow. It feels unnatural to look at the areas of ourselves that need work, but we must.

I believe that discovering my potential is worth the awkward experience of facing my imperfections. We must learn who we actually are, in all of our glory and in all of our mess.

It is difficult to face our insecurities but funny enough, our choice to accept and confront our insecurity is the very thing that will bring us to security.

WEEK TWO CHALLENGE:

Think about how you view your insecurities. Do you view your insecurities as failures? When you feel insecure, do you address it or deny it? In the past, how have you dealt with situations that have made you feel insecure? Who have you talked to about it?

If you happen to have a moment of insecurity this week, be sure to pay close attention to how you instinctually want to deal with the situation. Don’t forget to touch base with “your person” and discuss all of the things you are learning about yourself!

PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!

DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!

I Am Insecure: Part One {Find Your Person}

Most of us think of people as being secure or insecure. I don’t believe that some people are secure and some people are insecure. I believe that we are ALL, both, insecure and secure. It just depends on the moment.

I am insecure. I am unsure. I doubt who I am, what I do and what I say. I feel like I get it wrong too often. I fall short more than I would like.

I am insecure.

No, not at this moment. At this moment, I am fine. I am confident. At this moment, I am secure, but maybe not the next or the one after that.

Today, I want to tell you that it is ok to have areas within yourself that are insecure. We are not perfect and that’s ok. I am a work in progress and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

I don’t believe we should necessarily embrace our insecurities, and I don’t believe we should deny them either. I do believe we should accept them.

Only when we accept that we are a work in progress, will we begin to make progress.

For the next four weeks, I am going to challenge each one of us to look at ourselves and accept our insecurities. We will take risks and as we do, we will heal.

Week One

 “Find yOUR pERSON”

Our insecurities often keep us isolated.  We all have ugliness inside of us, and many of us spend our lives trying to hide it. Not because we are malicious or liars, but because we want to be loved.

Many of us fear that people will figure out that we have MAJOR shit and leave us, which is very scary.

How do we combat this fear? Simple. We tell people (not everyone, but “our people”) about our shit. You see, if we tell people about our shit, we don’t have to be scared that they will find out (because we have already told them).

Your challenge for this week is to find at least one person that you would be willing to share your “ugly” with. Over the next few weeks, you will be talking to this person about the things you are learning about yourself. This person will encourage you. They will not shame you for being a work in progress. (Don’t know what to say? No worries. Have them read this and then say, “Will you be my person?”)

This is a vital, most important, extremely essential step to growing in our security. As we discover things about ourselves, we will need support. Trust me.

You may have one person or maybe you have three. We are looking for quality, here, over quantity. This could be your mom, your boyfriend, your wife, your aunt, your dad, your husband, a sibling, your counselor or a friend.

Some of you instantly know who “your people” are, and for some of you this will be a challenge. Think it through, but I hope you can think of at least one person.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not choose someone just because they “should” be a safe place for you. Unfortunately, there are people that cannot be trusted with our insecurities. Who has shown that they are there for you? Think about it this way, if something horrible happened to you today, who would be the first person you would call? This will be someone who gives you comfort, peace and guidance.)

When we doubt who we are, we need someone there to remind us that we have great value, that even when we fail we are worthy of love. The people who love us can help guide us. They can show us love when we can’t show it to ourselves.

“Our people” are our team, our tribe, they are our warriors. They will fight with us, stand with us, lift us up and cheer us on. They will be with us and help us as we transform our “ugly” into beauty. They know we are awesome, believe in our potential and see that we are growing each day.

None of us want to fail, but we will. I know it sounds crazy, but I suggest that we invite “our people” into our failure. I am suggesting that we make ourselves vulnerable. It is scary to be vulnerable, but we must.

Let’s face our fears of rejection and failure and tell them they don’t control us. That’s right, over the next four weeks, we are going to face our fears, and all the while we are going to give our fears the middle finger. (Insert middle finger emoji.)

Let’s not live our life isolated merely because our fears intimidate us.  Let’s turn the tables, choose freedom and cause our fears to be intimidated by us.

Click here for week two of our challenge!

DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR E-MAIL LIST, SO YOU NEVER MISS A POST FROM REDEMPTION UNVEILED!