Finding Confidence in a Surprising Place

I have a very outgoing personality. Most of the time, I naturally feel confident.

But through the years, I have learned that having an outgoing personality is not the same thing as being confident with who you are.

When life was going well, I felt confident. However, when I encountered circumstances that made me feel inadequate or insecure, I felt extremely aware of my negative qualities. In those moments, I felt ashamed and I lost my confidence.

How real is my confidence if it can be taken away by mere circumstance?

I wanted more.

For a long time, I thought the reason I struggled with confidence was because I possessed too many negative qualities. I tried hard to get rid of my “bad” qualities by working to grow my “good” qualities.

I thought that in time the good would eventually take out the bad, right?

Even after lots of effort, something would happen and my bad qualities would come and smack me in the face.

UGH!

I hated my faults. I viewed difficult circumstances as my enemy. I also became very defensive if anyone hinted that I was inadequate.

When my whole goal was to be perfect, it felt very personal when someone pinpointed my imperfection.

However, there was a major problem. I am far from perfect.

FAR.

In my life, I have been lazy, inconsiderate, selfish and self-centered. I have been rigid and defensive. I have been manipulative.

I have had many times of being flat “wrong”. I have projected blame on others when the blame lied with me. I have been quite blind to myself and have had an entitled attitude.

I have not always been a good friend. I have forgotten things I shouldn’t have and held on to things that I should’ve let go.

I have had many awkward moments where I find myself doing quite idiotic things. I am easily distracted and I can be weirdly paranoid. I am disheveled and forgetful. I often run late.

I can be a little “much” for some people.

It is common for me to speak before thinking and I often say stupid things. At the same time, I can overthink simple things.

I used to be utterly ashamed of these qualities.  I hated each and every one of them for making me feel so unlovable. I thought if I worked hard my "bad" qualities would eventually go away..

Makes sense, right?

Wrong.

I wasn't becoming confident. I was learning to hide. This was not my goal.

 I had to stop acting like I wasn’t broken. Whether I liked it or not, I was. It was time to face myself. The real me. It was time to decide if I really wanted to grow confident.

I was never going to find confidence until I embraced my brokenness.

I did not embrace these qualities to defend them. I embraced them so that I could accept them, I accepted them so that I could sort through them, then I sorted through them so that I could find healing.

Through years of learning to embrace my brokenness, I have experienced so much healing. I am more honest and authentic than I ever have been.

Who would’ve guessed that the key to finding confidence would not be in my perfection but my imperfection?

Not me.

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