Ten Keys to Experiencing Long-Lasting Love

There is nothing simple or easy about love. If you want to find love that lasts through the years, you will need to be ready to experience a lot of ups and downs.

I have been in a
relationship with the same man for 17 years.

No breaks.

No separations.

Let me tell you
some of the things that I have learned about love after being with the same man
for over half of my life.

Love doesn’t
always feel passionate.

I will never
forget the first time I looked at Carter and felt nothing. No passion. No
excitement. We were dating, and I almost broke up with him. By the next week my
feelings were back and felt stronger than ever.

Moral of the
story, it happens.

If you want to
be with someone long-term, understand that at times, it can feel quite mundane
and BORING!

To this day, if we are in a season that feels a tad dull, I almost get excited because I know with a little effort I can turn dull back into exciting passion. It’s like falling in love all over again, and I love it!

Make an effort.

In relationships
it is SO easy to be aware of everything your partner is NOT doing. But what are
you doing? Never stop making an effort to show them you love them.

Let’s be clear,
there is no magic formula that makes love fun. Your relationship will be what
you both decide it to be. It should not be any surprise that if you choose not
to prioritize your relationship it will show.

Your love will
be what you both choose to make it.

Find adventure
together.

What adventures
do you want to have in this life? Do you want to travel? Would you like to
start your own company? Do you want to have children? Do you want to adopt?

Talk about what
you want out of this life and then talk about it some more.

No matter what
adventures you choose, laugh and have fun as you live it.

Before you
commit to someone, be sure that you are on the same page on what you want out
of this adventurous life!

Don’t settle.

I never settled.
From the very beginning I knew what I wanted from a partner. I wouldn’t have
accepted anything less. I knew what my goals were for my life, and I
continually asked Carter if those would work for him.

Before you
commit to someone, it is very important to talk and talk A LOT. Do not
compromise too much because you may find that you resent them later for keeping
you from what you really wanted out of life.

Be honest.

In my opinion,
honesty is an absolute necessity for a relationship. Don’t want to live honest?
Not fair. Being in a relationship with a person who is not honest is like being
in a relationship with a shadow.

Choose to be
real. Be seen. Experience love.

Give them what
they need. Not what you need.

Find out what
makes your partner feel valued. Do that for them. Don’t love them how you want
to be loved, love them how they want to be loved.

Long lasting
love will involve heartbreak. Don’t be surprised, but don’t give up.

If you choose to
live life with another human for an extended amount of time, it will include
disappointment and heartbreak. We all have our issues and unfortunately, it is
not all that rare to find yourself feeling betrayed by someone you love.

You will never
find someone perfect. Choose to be with the person that is worth the hassle.

Believe in
Redemption. Believe in Restoration.

Value one
another.

Does this seem
like a stupid thing to put on the list?

Well, let me
tell you, it can be harder than you think to value someone after years
together. It is easy to get discouraged with the way your partner lives.

Honor your
partner.

Sure, they’ve
got their issues. I know. We all do. Find things that you love, respect and
admire and honor them for being who they are. Quirks and all.

Never stop
choosing one another.

Don’t stop
experiencing life together. Don’t stop talking about your hopes, goals and
fears.

Continue to
learn about yourself and continue to learn about one another.

Find enough
things to keep you connected. This doesn’t mean you do everything together, but
find a way that makes you both feel like you are on the same page and working
toward the same overall goals.

It take two to
tango.

Now this is
possibly the hardest part of a relationship. No matter what, it takes two.

Don’t get me
wrong, there will be times because of health, stress, or situations that one of
you may feel like you are putting in more effort than the other and that is
part of it.

However, no
matter the effort or desire of one person to make a relationship work, it truly
does take two. It doesn’t always have to be exactly equal or always fair, but
it does have to at least be two people who choose one another and choose to put
an effort into the relationship.

Love.

It is not what I
expected, but is way better than I ever could’ve hoped.

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When Choices Get You Down

The following is a guest post by my younger sister Chloe'. Chloe' is an amazing woman with an amazing perspective on life. Enjoy!

When Choices Get You Down

In life we will have many doors to walk through. We will make many decisions regarding the ones we open and the ones we close. We have the choice. This is where our free will comes in.

Oh, choices. These things have always been difficult for me.

Funny enough, choosing where to eat is one of the hardest decisions for me to make. Simple, yet so complex. My friends are always saying they're going to make me choose because I never do. Partially, because at times I genuinely just do not care. But to be honest, the main reason resonates within the fear of someone not liking the decision I make.

For whatever reason… Choices get me.

Have you ever had to make a choice and the fear of making the wrong one almost becomes crippling? Or perhaps others opinions of you "making the wrong choice" is enough to keep you from making any decision at all.

"What will they think of me if...?"

A question we all have asked ourselves, and a question that is dangerous to live by. We have given this question a position in our lives that it does not deserve. We have allowed it to be our filter, and direct our decision making, when we should never be asking for its two cents in the first place.

We must release others expectations of us. They are not ours to carry and they most definitely are not ours to use in order to operate our lives.

But it is not just others that I fear disappointing. I have also struggled with being afraid that I may disappoint my God. What if I make a choice different than the one He has planned for me?

Which job to pursue? Which boy to marry? Where to live? To have a kid or not have a kid? Quit the job or keep the job? We can see the doors opening yet we're hesitant to walk through them.

To be honest, the doors can seem more like an obstacle than an opportunity.

We start to think if we walk through Door 1 when we were supposed to walk through Door 2… The Lord is going to penalize us. Maybe He will be mad, maybe He will be disappointed in some way, maybe He will hold on to the blessings He was going to give us, or worse, He may punish us. Our thought process becomes skewed and we begin to make a decision (or not make a decision) out of fear. We pray and ask the Lord to give us a sign -- preferably a billboard with flashing lights or having something fall from the sky would suffice. Even if that sign must hit us in the head, as long as He lets us know if we're making the right decision. It's quite comical actually… In these moments we almost wish He would just make the decision for us, as if free will were not a thing at all.

We must not allow the weight of our choices to distract us from the faithfulness of our God.

What if it is not as much about the choice we make (destination), but the journey and what we learn in the process?

I do not believe my God turns his back on me when I might choose "wrong". I simply believe the Lord will meet me wherever I am! Praise God for his grace, am I right?

I firmly believe that the Lord has a plan for me, but I also firmly believe in the power of prayer. I do not want to disregard the significance of prayer and making decisions to align with God's will for my life. But what I do want to hit on is that my God is beside me through it all. And I most definitely don't think he is sitting around waiting to punish me the moment I walk through the "wrong" door. In the midst of my mistakes, in the midst of my wrong decisions, and in the midst of the highs and the lows... He holds me by his righteous right hand and He directs me with His peace.

I have walked through what some may consider "wrong doors" in my lifetime...

BUT THE LORD ALREADY KNEW I WAS GOING TO WALK THROUGH THOSE DOORs BEFORE I EVEN KNEW they were AN OPTION.

I can rest in the fact that His plan for my life is redemption and the journey is filled with grace, life lessons, and growth. It's up to me to accept His grace, make the effort to learn the lessons, and be willing to do whatever He asks of me to grow. Even when (not if-- but when) it's hard. 

It's our CHOICE and I pray that we decide to say "Yes, Lord" every single time.

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Finding Happiness in Our Lives

Most of us have things that we want to happen in our lives. We have our plans. We have our goals. We have our hopes.

What about right now? Are you enjoying your life? Are you content? Are you happy? If not, why? At times, it can feel like the reason we aren’t happy is because we don’t have everything we want.

“If I only had this or that, I would be content.”

“If only this would happen, I would be happy.”

Once I finish school… or get a better job… or get married… or have kids… or get a bigger house… or a different spouse… or get more vacation time… or a new boss… or a nicer car… or more money… or… Once ____ happens I will finally be happy.

So is that how it works? Is happiness found in us getting everything that we want?

I don’t think so.

How often have we thought something would make us happy, but then it came and it didn’t satisfy us? Or, it made us happy for a while, but then we found ourselves no longer content and needing more. I wonder how many moments of our life we have missed because we were waiting for the next thing… the “better” thing.

Happiness is not found in getting what we want.

Happiness is found in being appreciative for what we have.

We must find a way to be content with what we have today. If we never find a way to be content in our “today’s” we will never be able to be content with our “tomorrow’s”.

I am afraid that too many of us have an idea in our mind that we will one day *arrive* to our happy place and then life will be wonderful.

We don’t *arrive* to our happiness.

We choose it.

We must stop believing the lie that our circumstances must change for us to be happy. True happiness comes when we can find a way to be appreciative, despite the fact that our circumstances are not perfect.

I have come to realize that perfection in life is a fleeting condition.

I am all for having goals and dreams, but these are things that should give us hope, not discouragement. We must find a way to live peacefully with both, our desires for the future and the reality of our present life.

We can't always get what we want, but we can choose to be appreciative for what we have.

Our discontentment is in our perception, but thankfully, we hold the keys to changing that.

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My Husband Is Not the Enemy

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In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them.

“Marriage is hard,” they said and “it takes a lot of work”.

Ok?

 That seemed fairly straightforward.

Before I was married and someone told me this, I thought of marriage as a challenge. The odds were against us, but if we just stayed focused and worked hard, we would win.

Marriage is hard, yes, but I don’t think “hard” is the best description of marriage.

I think a better word for marriage is confusing.

Sure, during the difficult days, it can be hard to do the right thing. But, more often than that, I think the hard thing is figuring out what is the "right thing".

Do I stand up for myself? Do I need to let this go? Do I just lie and say that I am fine? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Am I over-reacting? Am I under-reacting? Is this normal? Do all spouses feel like this? Are we the only marriage going through this?

It can all be very unclear.

When we said our vows, we pledged to be on one another’s team, always and forever. It seemed so simple. I knew the world would bring difficulties, but I never thought I would question if Carter was for me or against me. We vowed to fight this fight together, but I didn’t anticipate how natural it would be to end up on opposite sides of the ring.

During difficult times, it is so easy to feel hurt and let down when our partner hasn’t stepped up in ways that we hoped they would. We thought they would be there to support us, protect us and care for us, but they weren’t. Most surprising, are the times when our spouse has not only disappointed us, but they have been the one’s to deliver the painful punch to our gut.

When we feel hurt by one another, it is natural to go on the defensive and start jabbing at one another. We know we shouldn’t, but it is easy not to care. We want to win and we want them to pay for hurting us. When we fight against one another, we both end up bloody and defeated. No one wins.

I wish someone would’ve told me that there would be moments that I wasn’t sure if Carter was for me or against me.

I wish someone would’ve told me that I would feel confused in my marriage.

I wish someone would’ve told me that I would doubt him and at times, I would doubt “us”.

There are an unlimited amount of things in this life that cause stress in a marriage, but I am convinced that nothing has the ability to tear us apart unless we begin to view one another as the enemy.  If we want to make it through life with our marriage intact, the greatest challenge and utmost priority is to continually choose to be on one another’s team.

Marriage isn’t just about experiencing love. Marriage is about experiencing life and experiencing it all with a partner by your side. Carter is my person. He is the one I chose almost fifteen years ago and have continued to do so repeatedly.

So yes, marriage is hard, but the hardest part of marriage is how exhausting it can feel to make the same choice over and over…the choice to choose one another.  

Some days that choice is easy, and some days that choice is hard, but every day that choice is worth it.