I Betrayed Her... Now What?

What do you do when you fail someone that you love?

I could not turn back time.

I could not make it right.

I could not justify my actions or explain my failure.

It was what it was.

Betrayal.

I have a handful of moments that have shaped me as a person. This being one. I sat on my couch feeling quite defenseless and humble. I will never forget the moment that I was sitting in front of her.

I knew what I had to do.

I had to ask for forgiveness.

Why?

Because I had betrayed her.

My friend. That I loved.

I listened first. I agreed with everything she said. What had happened was wrong. To be honest, it was one of the only times of my life I had no justification and no explanation. No defense.

As she relived her experience it was as if her pain lived inside of each word.

I could feel her heartache within me.

And here I was.

Going to ask her for something.

Forgiveness.

It is a humbling experience to look someone in the eye and seek forgiveness. There was no reason that it should be given and no reason that it would be.

I hated that we were here, I wished that I could travel back into time and change what had happened, but I couldn’t. There was nothing left to do, but to seek mercy. This was not a mercy I had earned. No actions or words could take away the hurt.

As I listened, I understood the crossroads that we were at. She would decide if there would ever be an “us” again. The ball was in her court.

She had to decide if I was worth the risk.

I listened to her. She listened to me.

And through great sorrow, she said the words...

“I forgive you.”

She looked me in the eye and told me that she loved me. She was willing to offer me her love even though I had failed her. Even now, as I recall this experience I feel moved to tears. 

This moment changed me forever.

It quite literally changed who I was.

She gave me permission to move forward. Not without regret, but with mercy. Past the choice I had made and into growing from who I was into who I wanted to be.

I will always feel a certain amount of debt towards her. She gave me mercy that I am not sure I would have been able to offer myself without her permission. 

 The pain I caused her will forever be on my list of things I regret in my life.

I know my words of repentance did not nearly carry the power that her words of forgiveness carried. I understood that her choosing those words came at a high price for her. It cost her to release me from what I deserved.

The choice she made did not end that day. Her choice caused a ripple through my life.

 Relationships can suck because people fail us and people betray us, but I want to suggest that it is in these moments that we are given the opportunity to change the world. 

because I was forgiven.

And it changed my world.

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