Who Are You? Only Conflict Will Tell.

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Taken by Crush Photography by Hannah Brown

My feelings about conflict have changed through the years. I used to hate it. I saw conflict as an unenjoyable experience that I had to endure until it was over. Only in recent years, I see conflict for what it truly is, an opportunity to see who I am. For the most part, I am quite blind to myself. I view myself as doing well and making good choices, well… because I always agree with myself. When I am in conflict, I am always surprised by who I am, how I feel and how I want to react.  

Here are some of the ways I have handled conflict in the past….

I acted like it didn’t bother me.

At times, I have tried to push down my hurt and wait for my feelings to disappear. It seems like I should be able to “will” myself not to care, but I can’t because I do. We must understand that not dealing with conflict doesn’t mean we aren’t having any, it just means that we are living in denial. Don’t deny your pain, understand it. Hurt and pain that is left unaddressed will eventually change into bitterness, don’t let that happen.

Trying to avoid conflict will lead us to a very lonely place. Relationships with people come with conflict, if we can’t learn to navigate through it, we will find ourselves leaving a lot relationships.

I found someone who agreed with me.

I used to call a friend/s who would tell me that I was completely right in the situation and the other person was completely wrong. This conversation was always full of emotion and would always focus on the other person’s problems. Ultimately, I stopped dealing with conflict in this way because I realized it was not productive. I was avoiding the real issue, avoiding the person, talking behind their back and not getting anything resolved.

I confronted the conflict in my anger.

 Unfortunately, there was a time in my life I confronted people in anger. I would pride myself that I had the balls to say what was “needed” and “I wasn’t scared.” I viewed this as a strength. The truth is that I wasn’t some valiant warrior fighting for truth and justice. I was an angry person, who was prideful and unable to control my emotions. Thank God, seriously, thank God that I no longer handle conflict in this way. This type of behavior is extremely selfish and self-centered. It comes from extreme insecurity masked by extreme confidence.

I used to be driven by the belief that there was right and there was wrong and my job was to stand for what was “right”; of course, I put myself as the judge. Interestingly, my opinion always seemed to be “right” and their opinion always seemed to be “wrong”.

So how do I handle conflict now?

First, I acknowledge that I am feeling hurt. I allow myself to be vulnerable. Some people run from vulnerability. My friends, I beg you, don’t run from your vulnerability, run to it. From my view, we need more vulnerability in this world.

Second, I decide if I even have the right to be angry. It is so easy for me to get pissed at things that are none of my business. I often have to tell myself to “just stop it”. I am not the boss of everyone and I do not always know best.

Thirdly, I talk it out with someone that will help ME work through MY emotions. Typically this person is Carter (poor guy, haha), but at times it is someone else. It is always someone who loves me and someone who I can trust with my heart. I tell them everything… I tell them what I am thinking and feeling. I talk about ME. My goal here is to find my peace again. My goal is not to be told that I am right. Actually, the people I go to rarely tell me that I am “right” or that I am “wrong”, most of the time they just listen and offer suggestions of why I may be experiencing these emotions.

Once I have found peace again, I go to the person and I talk, if I need to. Surprisingly, after working through my emotions I often find that I am fine with the situation and don’t need to.

Conflict is complicated. I understand that some of us have experienced extreme betrayal by those we love and for that, I am so sorry. I don’t want to oversimplify it, but I do want us to reflect on how we handle conflict overall. Make no mistake, we are all choosing to address conflict in some way. How are you handling it?

How you are handling conflict is drastically shaping your life.

Next time you get into a conflict with someone, instead of focusing on their flaws, take a moment to look at yourself. See yourself. You are worth seeing and You are worth understanding. Allow yourself the opportunity to be honest about why you are in pain so you can be healed from it. It is a journey worth taking my friend and you are worth getting to know.