My Husband Is Not the Enemy

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In many ways, our first ten years of marriage have gone as I expected they would. My husband is a wonderfully, kind man who has loved me well. We have chased our dreams and seen many of them come true. Most of our days have been beautiful, but not all of them.

“Marriage is hard,” they said and “it takes a lot of work”.

Ok?

 That seemed fairly straightforward.

Before I was married and someone told me this, I thought of marriage as a challenge. The odds were against us, but if we just stayed focused and worked hard, we would win.

Marriage is hard, yes, but I don’t think “hard” is the best description of marriage.

I think a better word for marriage is confusing.

Sure, during the difficult days, it can be hard to do the right thing. But, more often than that, I think the hard thing is figuring out what is the "right thing".

Do I stand up for myself? Do I need to let this go? Do I just lie and say that I am fine? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Am I over-reacting? Am I under-reacting? Is this normal? Do all spouses feel like this? Are we the only marriage going through this?

It can all be very unclear.

When we said our vows, we pledged to be on one another’s team, always and forever. It seemed so simple. I knew the world would bring difficulties, but I never thought I would question if Carter was for me or against me. We vowed to fight this fight together, but I didn’t anticipate how natural it would be to end up on opposite sides of the ring.

During difficult times, it is so easy to feel hurt and let down when our partner hasn’t stepped up in ways that we hoped they would. We thought they would be there to support us, protect us and care for us, but they weren’t. Most surprising, are the times when our spouse has not only disappointed us, but they have been the one’s to deliver the painful punch to our gut.

When we feel hurt by one another, it is natural to go on the defensive and start jabbing at one another. We know we shouldn’t, but it is easy not to care. We want to win and we want them to pay for hurting us. When we fight against one another, we both end up bloody and defeated. No one wins.

I wish someone would’ve told me that there would be moments that I wasn’t sure if Carter was for me or against me.

I wish someone would’ve told me that I would feel confused in my marriage.

I wish someone would’ve told me that I would doubt him and at times, I would doubt “us”.

There are an unlimited amount of things in this life that cause stress in a marriage, but I am convinced that nothing has the ability to tear us apart unless we begin to view one another as the enemy.  If we want to make it through life with our marriage intact, the greatest challenge and utmost priority is to continually choose to be on one another’s team.

Marriage isn’t just about experiencing love. Marriage is about experiencing life and experiencing it all with a partner by your side. Carter is my person. He is the one I chose almost fifteen years ago and have continued to do so repeatedly.

So yes, marriage is hard, but the hardest part of marriage is how exhausting it can feel to make the same choice over and over…the choice to choose one another.  

Some days that choice is easy, and some days that choice is hard, but every day that choice is worth it.