Why Doesn't God Care?

There I was with a long list of prayer requests, praying to a God who didn’t seem to be listening. I had made it very clear the things I needed him to do for me and they were all really good things. I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t work in my life.

Did He not care?

Of course, I had problems before this, but this was the first time I felt overwhelmingly surrounded by negative circumstances and could not see a way out.

During this time, I found myself getting back into my pajamas in the middle of the day, crawling into bed and crying, as I prayed to a God who seemed determined to stay silent.

I was full of anxiety and was deeply discouraged.

Until…

One day, I was reading my Bible and came across a scripture in Romans that stopped me in my tracks.

And changed everything.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.”

Wait.

These words hit me like a ton of bricks.

My present sufferings are somehow connected to my glory? But how? How in the world is suffering needed for glory? Isn’t suffering the opposite of glory?

The next sentence blew me away…

“For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.”

What in the world??

I was shocked to read suffering had any connection to glory and now this scripture was saying somehow creation itself was invested in this process? Creation was waiting… for me? What did all of this mean? I didn’t know, but I was determined to dive in deeper.

I realized I needed to figure out what the connection was between suffering and glory because this made no sense to me.

I decided I was all in.

“Luckily”, I found myself in a season of suffering and decided to use this time to learn. I dedicated myself and I promised to give it all the time it took. (Spoiler alert: It took years.)

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t trying to get out of my pain. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t looking to blame someone for my circumstances. For the first time in my life, I chose to be still in the darkness.

This process of discovery took me years to go through. There was no magic that made my life all come together. Many of my circumstances stayed the same and the things I prayed continually went unanswered. I experienced so much anxiety and exhaustion. I often felt like I was being squeezed and could hardly breathe.

I didn’t feel strong because I wasn’t. I was more weak and broken than I had ever been in my entire life.

And it was there, in my brokenness, I found my strength.

It was only in my suffering that I came face to face with my greatest fears and I was presented with my worst nightmares.

It was then that I finally saw myself for who I really was.

I learned I had been living with a deep need to feel in control of my life and keep things in order. I began to understand I had a lot of fear about my life not going how I expected it to go.

I never realized until this how much anxiety I had about my relationships.

I discovered I was leaning on my husband too much to give me confidence. I uncovered I had a fear of making a wrong financial decision and hurting my family. I realized I was afraid I was going to fail my friends and they would leave me. I recognized I loved to judge people who disappointed or hurt me and blame them for any of my unkind actions. I came to the realization that I had a deep fear of being misunderstood which was keeping me limited. I learned I was afraid I was going to make a mistake in raising my kids. Actually, I was afraid to make any mistakes at all.

I knew I was not perfect but to be honest I had no idea I was this broken. I had never seen these things within myself because I had never let myself see them.

It was very difficult to realize I wasn't the person I thought I was.

Before this, I was so determined to be the “best me” I had never learned to stop and look in the mirror to see the person I actually was. I kept thinking I simply needed to try harder so all of the bad parts of myself would go away.

When I first read those words they made no sense to me, now it seems so clear. It was only when I stopped avoiding from my problems I realized how helpful they could be for me.

Most of us spend our lives trying to avoid suffering and praying our way out of hard things.

We have no idea that this lifestyle is keeping us from becoming the great person we always hoped we would be. We only see our problems as a hinderance to our life, not the key to life itself.

many Of us feel betrayed by God because he won’t remove our suffering. I wonder if God ever feels betrayed by us because we won’t choose to Heal and become the person he created us to be.

After almost a decade on this journey, I am convinced, God wants us to be free. More than anything he wants to heal us, equip us, and launch us into our destiny. Unfortunately, we are obsessed with how we feel and our healing involves a lot of pain.

Creation is waiting for a group of people who have stood the test of their suffering and have risen out of the ashes stronger than before.

This group of people is no longer driven by their fears because they have faced them in the darkness. These people are no longer seeking to feel important because they know they are. These people are no longer slaves to their emotions and often choose to do things they don’t feel like doing. They are no longer looking to get out of hard situations because they know great things will come from it.

They know their God hasn’t betrayed them because He is the one who healed them.

You see, our suffering is not the problem, our suffering holds the keys to the solution. We must not run from it, we must experience it so we can heal.

Creation is waiting for you to be revealed.

Are you coming?

Do You Feel Alone?

Do you feel alone? It is so easy to feel alone in this world. We can be in the middle of a crowded room, yet still feel alone. We may have hundreds or even thousands of “friends” and “followers”, yet feel completely isolated. We can talk with people, work with people, and live with people, yet no one knows what we are going through.

Why do so many people feel alone right now? Why do people feel so much anxiety, fear, and depression? Why are we so isolated? We have more ways to connect than ever before so how are we more disconnected than any other time in history?

I have had years of my life that I felt very isolated. There was so much going on within me that no one knew about.

I never intended to keep so much of myself a secret, it just happened

Most of the time, I felt great. I felt like a normal, connected person. A person that wasn’t alone until I would hit a struggle zone.

Maybe something had happened and it triggered anxiety. Maybe nothing had happened, but I felt anxious none the less.

I lived a life surrounded with people, but at times, felt completely alone.

The people in my life didn’t know the struggles I was going through because I was too afraid to tell them I was struggling. I hid it until it went away. It always went away… eventually.

I had learned to just wait it out.

I knew that if I opened up to someone, I might get rejected. They might say that what I felt was stupid or wrong. They might think I was a failure.

I didn’t want to be a failure. I liked to be a success.

I liked when people talked to me and saw that I had my shit together. And to be honest, most of the time, I did. But then sometimes, I felt so broken. I felt so discouraged. I felt so lost. And because I hadn’t ever told anyone about that part of myself, I felt so alone.

I am thankful to tell you that I haven’t felt alone for years.

Sincerely.

Don’t get me wrong, I have felt stressed, sad, anxious, and discouraged, but I don’t feel alone anymore. How is that possible?

Simple, I started letting people in.

Not people on my social media, real-life people.

I started to talk to my husband, I started being honest with my mom, I started sharing real life with my sisters, and I started being open with my friends.

Simply put, I started being honest and vulnerable.

When I was doing well, I was doing well. But when I wasn’t, I wasn’t.

I no longer just said, “I’m fine” whenever people asked and I no longer waited for them to ask.

I didn’t open up to everyone, just my people. The people that God had given me to find healing with.

To this day, when I am not doing well my people know. I will reach out to my husband if he doesn’t answer, my mom. If she can’t talk, my sister. If she is busy, a friend.

I do not joke around because I have found the amazing power of connection.

When I am struggling my people encourage me. They speak truth to me when all I can hear are the lies. They remind me who I am when I can’t seem to remember. They give me a direction when I feel lost.

My people pray for me. My people catch me when I fall. My people remind me that failing is ok. They encourage me when I am discouraged. They remind me that I have value even when I don’t perform well. They give me grace in a world that seems to be losing it. I love my people.

I do whatever it takes to feel connected. I call. I text. I email. I reach out until I find peace.

And don’t let anyone fool you because there is peace to be found in this world.

How do I know?

Because I have it.

I have found peace and much of that journey has come from learning to be real. Learning to risk being hurt in exchange for experiencing real relationships.

You see, I have finally found the key. As long as I was hiding my insecurities and my failures the people in my life could never fully love me.

Turns out, I was afraid that I wasn’t worthy to love if I had issues so I hid them.

News flash.

We all have issues.

However, our issues should not keep us from experiencing love.

Our fear of being rejected should not have the power to keep us alone.

If we don’t want to feel alone anymore it is quite simple. Start being honest about who you are. Stop letting fear tell you that you must keep your failures and your shortcomings a secret. Face your brokenness and invite someone into it.

Funny enough, my brokenness wasn’t actually the problem in my life. My brokenness was a gift for me to finally experience what I wanted all along.

Love.

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