When My Plans Became My Enemy

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Taken by Crush Photography by Hannah Brown

There is something you need to know about me. I am a recovering list maker, plan constructor, control freak. For most of my life, I have LOVED to have a plan and I did not like it if the plan didn’t go as I expected. The first ten years of Carter’s and my relationship were commonly filled with times that I was angry because circumstances didn’t go as I had hoped.

He told me he would be home at 5:00, but it was actually 5:30. I wanted to have the house COMPLETELY cleaned before the party, but I didn’t have time to get it all done. I was excited for our date, but he didn’t even tell me I looked beautiful. He went to the store, but he forgot to get milk, the one thing I needed him to get. I wanted to be in great shape before the event, yet I never started working out. We were trying to be on time, but we were late, again. I thought he had planned a surprise for our anniversary, but he hadn’t planned anything. I wanted to get everything on my list done, but I couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a complete bitch all of the time, but I would really struggle when things didn’t turn out as I expected. For the past five years, I have experienced a complete transformation in this area of my life.

So how did I ever let go of my tight hold on the plans I had?

First, I found myself in a difficult season of life that I hadn’t planned and I didn’t see coming. Carter had lost his job. I began working more because we had lost our health insurance. We were in the adoption process to adopt our second child, Shepherd, from the DR Congo. (Anyone who has adopted knows that it does not go according to “plan”.) We were experiencing difficulties in several of our close relationships. During this all, we were trying to become adjusted to having our first daughter, Epsie, and staying connected in our marriage.

 Life had handed me situations that I wasn’t expecting, it hadn’t asked for my permission and I didn’t have a plan on how to “handle” it.

Knock. Knock.

Who’s there?

Life and it doesn’t always consider your “plans”.

Another major thing that has taught me to be more adaptable is having children. Kids don’t care about your plans. They don’t care if you’re late, if your house is messy or if you had one more errand to do before they are “done”. Kids have their own plans.  I have realized that my plans of having a “perfect house” with a “perfect family” in a “perfect world” are unrealistic. I was finding myself discontent and when it comes to my kids, I am unwilling to miss out merely because it has turned out to be a different experience than I was expecting.

Now looking back, I realize that I was struggling with feeling disappointed. Once I felt disappointed, I would shut down and push Carter (or anyone else) away because I felt he didn’t care. I slowly began to realize how spoiled I had been acting.

I had a picture of how things should go.

It was my vision and it revolved around one person, me.  

I realize now that I was behaving like a two year old who would throw a fit if I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.

When is the last time your day/night/vacation/date/morning was ruined because it didn’t go the way you were expecting? No matter how hard you try, no matter how well you plan. Life will happen. Time will pass faster than expected. Not everything will get done. People will not behave exactly as you want (nor should they). Your expectations will go unmet and all you will be left with is a choice.

Yes, you have a choice.

I used to tell myself I didn’t have a choice. I was mad and I couldn’t help it, but that wasn’t true. I had a choice and you have a choice, the choice to make the best of our circumstances. As I often tell my kids, “We can’t choose how we feel, but we can choose how we act”. We need to take responsibility for our attitudes and recognize our power to choose.

You have every right to feel disappointed. You can even feel angry. You may very well need to have a conversation with someone about how you are feeling, but then choose to let it go and move on. Choose to make the best of your new circumstances.

A little secret I’ll let you in on…

A beautiful thing happens when we release our anger after not getting our way, we have the opportunity to realize that maybe our plan wasn’t the best all along. If we allow ourselves a moment to be disappointed and then look around, we might see that we have a whole lot to be thankful for and perhaps the only thing keeping us from having the best life is actually ourselves.